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TKIBUNE ESSAYS. 



TRIBUNE ESSAYS 



<T;f^ 



LEADING ARTICLES 



CONTRIBUTED TO 



THE NEW YORK TRIBUNE 



FROM 1857 TO 1863 



By CHARLES T. C0NGD0N 






"WITH AN INTRODUCTION 



By HORACE GREELEY 



11 The shop of war hath not more anvils and hammers working to fashion out 
the plates and instruments of armed justice in defence of beleaguered truth, 
than there be pens and heads there, sitting by their studious lamps musing, 
searching, revolving new notions and ideas wherewith to present, as with 
homage and fealty, the approaching reformation." — John Milton's Speech for 
the Liberty of Unlicensed Printing. 



NEW YORK 
J. 8. REDFIELD, PUBLISHER 
140 FULTON STREET 
1869. 



^ A^? 




Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1869, by 

J. S. REDFIELD, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States 
for the Eastern District of New York. 



E. 0. JENKINS, 
STEREOTYPER AND PRINTER 
20 N. WILLIAM ST., N. Y. 



CONTENTS. 



■* — •- 



PAGE 

Prefatory Notice xi 

Introduction xix 

Perils and Besetting Snares 1 

Inaugural Glories 6 

Mr. Benjamin Screws 8 

Mr. Mason's Manners 13 

The Great Rogersville Flogging 16 

Mr. Mitchell's Desires 20 

Mr. Mason's Manners Once More „ 24 

Presidential Politeness 29 

William the Conqueror 33 

Benjamin's Second Notice 38 

The Reveries of Reverdy 42 

The Foresight of Mr. Fielder 46 

Mr. Mitchel's Commercial Views 50 

Father Ludovico's Fancy 54 

Mr. Choate on Dr. Adams's Sermons 58 

University Wanted 61 

Mr. Pollard's " Mammy " 63 

A Church Going into Business 68 

A New Laughing - Stock 73 

A Cumberland Presbyterian Newspaper, 79 

Nil Nisi Bonum 84 

Two Tombstones 88 

The Perils of Pedagogy 92 

Josiah's Jaunt 97 

A Biographical Battle 102 

Mr. Bancroft on the Declaration of Independence 106 

(vii) 



viii CONTENTS. 

Modern Chivalry — A Manifesto 110 

Mr. Fillmore takes a View 116 

A Banner with, a Strange Device 121 

A Southern Diarist 124 

Dr. Tyler's Diagnosis 128 

The Montgomery Muddle — A Specimen Day 131 

Eeady made Unity and the Society for its Promotion 136 

A Private Battery 141 

Southern Notions of the North 144 

Alexander the Bouncer 148 

Roundheads and Cavaliers 151 

Wise Convalescent 155 

Slaveholder's Honor 158 

No Question before the House. . . . < 163 

BellaMollita— Soft War 168 

The Humanities South 172 

The Charge of Precipitancy 177 

The Assassination 181 

Striking an Average , 183 

The Coming Despotism 187 

Abolition and Secession 192 

A Bacchanal of Beaufort 197 

Concerning Shirts 201 

Fair but Fierce 204 

Bobbing Around 208 

Niobe and Latona 213 

Secession Squabbles 219 

" Biblius " 224 

Cold Comfort 226 

Extemporizing Production 230 

Very Particular 234 

Prudent Fugacity 238 

Extemporizing Parties 242 

Platform Novelties 247 

Prophecies and Probabilities , , 251 

" Drawing it Mild " in Memphis \ 256 

Loyalty and Light 260 

Hedging 265 



CONTENTS. ix 

The Trial of Toombs 289 

The Council of Thirty-Five 273 

Davis a Despot 279 

All Means to Crush ! .- 284 

Northern Independence 288 

The Constitution — Not Conquest 292 

Train's Troubles 297 

The Slaveholding Utopia 300 

Twelve Little Dirty Questions 304 

Democracy in London 308 

Laughter in New Hampshire 312 

Slaveholding Virtues 316 

Roland for an Oliver 321 

Historical Scarecrows 325 

The Other Way. . . 329 

Saulsbury's Sentiments 334 

Jefferson the Gentleman 338 

The Contagion of Secession 341 

Davis to Mankind 346 

Union for the Union 351 

The Necessity of Servility 355 

What shall we do with Them ? 360 

Pocket Morality 366 

Waiting for a Partner 370 

At Home and Abroad 374 

Mr. Davis Proposes to Fast 377 

Mr. B. Wood's Utopia 379 

Mr. Buxton Scared 384 

Charleston Cozy 387 

The Twin xibominations 391 

Victory and Victuals 395 

Sus. Per Coll 399 



PREFATORY NOTICE. 



In making this compilation, I have trusted that the 
memory of the reader would be sufficient for the 
explanation of most allusions; and commentary 
would not only have cumbered these pages, but 
would hardly have 'been fair. IsTor have I ventured 
upon any corrections or alterations of importance. 
These articles are precisely what they profess to be ; 
they were, from day to day, hastily written to serve 
an immediate purpose ; and they are, therefore, en- 
titled, I hope, to a lenient and charitable judgment. 

A book like this would be of little value if it did 
not, in some respects, illustrate one of the most ex- 
traordinary changes in the opinions of a great people 
which history records. The election of Mr. Buchanan 
seemed definitely to indicate not merely the perpe- 
tuity of Human Slavery in this Republic, but the 
acquiescence of the people of the Free States, or of a 
majority of them, in the extension of that unhappy 
institution. Its opponents, if not silenced, were 

(xi) 



x ii PBEFA TOE T NOTICE. 

decidedly defeated, and the Democratic Party, after 
a hundred previous audacities, continued to hold the 
Government with something of a feeling of invinci- 
bility. There remained, it is true, throughout the 
North and West, an Anti-Slavery sentiment which 
no misfortunes could overcome ; but a considerable 
measure of its activity was to be found among those 
who abstained from political methods ; while two 
classes of men, the one religious, and the other polit- 
ical, still vehemently insisted that agitation of the 
Slavery Question was in itself an immorality deserv- 
ing rebuke, and requiring vigorous suppression. Of 
these remarkable apostles of an untimely conserva- 
tism, I may be permitted briefly to speak. 

One who is outside the pale of ecclesiastical 
organizations, and who is not an assistant in the 
manoeuvering of their machinery, finds it difficult to 
comprehend how any confessor, in the possession of 
his natural mental faculties, should ever have 
thought it possible to reconcile Slavery with the pre- 
cepts of Christianity ; yet many unquestionably were 
left to believe that the Institution was Divine in its 
origin, and that it was still authorized by the Divine 
sanction. The hearts of men we may not be permit- 
ted to judge, but surely there is no law which forbids 
us to make a conscientious estimate of their heads ; 



PBEFATOB Y NOTICE. xiii 

and lie who, upon the strength of two or three little 
texts — upon the fact of the existence oi Slavery 
among the Jews and in the Roman Empire — upon 
that small portion of history which records the curse 
upon Canaan, could assert, and in pulpit, newspaper, 
review, and volume, persist in the assertion that 
the Slavery of Four Millions of Men, in the Republic 
of the United States, in the year of Christianity One 
Thousand Eight Hundred and Fifty, — that such 
Slavery, utterly modern in its theory and practice, 
was a thing to be not merely justified, but applauded 
and defended in the pulpit — he, I say, who could 
make this large demand upon the faith of his neigh- 
bors, must have had one of those narrow and monk- 
ish natures which may be capable of a certain degree 
of usefulness in drilling battalions of neophytes, but 
which are equally incapable of lofty views or elevated 
aims. If such an one happened to mix a little ethnol- 
ogy with his theology, he gave to the world an irre- 
sistible amalgam, which in his opinion precluded 
argument and paralyzed retort. I suspect if all the 
literature of this kind, printed in defence of Slavery, 
could be gathered together, that against all natural 
rules, a peculiar and disagreeable smell would be 
noticed in the atmosphere, and that it would even be 
perceptible in Heaven. 



X1Y PBEFA TOE Y NOTICE. 

I do not know that the Pro-Slavery Politician was 
a whit less absurd ; but he had the advantage of con- 
fining his argumentation to matters of earth and 
sense, and of uttering low things from a lower stand- 
point. He did not " pass the flaming bounds of time 
and space ;" but restricting himself to the somewhat 
different atmosphere of Washington, he was content 
to limit human progress by existing enactments, and 
to plead precedent against the piteous appeals of 
those who. sued for redress in forma pauperis. He 
had more than the respect of the proverb for " what- 
ever is" He not only believed it to be " right," but 
he proclaimed it, at the top of his voice, to be im- 
mutable. Whatever the Slaveholder asked for, he 
was ready to accord ; and naturally the Slaveholder 
soon learned that he could not ask for too much. 

The position of the Pro-Slavery Politician was, 
although the Institution might be hard, cruel, a 
breaker of hearts, a bender of bodies, and a destroyer 
of souls, that all this wretchedness must be carried to 
a sort of political profit and loss ; and although Slav- 
ery had its evils, yet that it was better to endure them 
than to fly to others — the endurance being unfortu- 
nately the pious and patriotic perquisite of the Slave ! 
The matter finally settled itself down into one hard, 
unflinching formula — The Union must be preserved. 



PREFA TOR Y NOTICE. xv 

This was the end of controversy. This was the limit 
of discussion. This was the Alpha and Omega of 
our political gospel. This was the touchstone of 
legislation. 

Of course, political science being thus reduced to 
its simplest elements, the Slaveholder having any 
measure at heart, needed only to cry out that, if 
denied, he intended to secede, to carry his point 
with marvelous and triumphant celerity. Mr. 
Buchanan was a Northern man, but although he is 
dead, the sad and mortifying truth must be spoken : 
he had so disciplined himself in this school of what 
may be called "unconditional surrender," that he 
no more dreamed of resistance than he dreamed of 
resigning. Pie was no better and no worse perhaps 
than his friends ; but he had the misfortune to be 
their representative. To the last moment of his ad- 
ministration, Mr. Buchanan was faithful to the tra- 
ditions of his party; and while the bugle call of 
sedition was sounding through half the Republic — 
while its flag was defended by a handful of beleag- 
uered and starving men — while the country stood 
aghast at the unchecked rapidity with which Treason 
was stalking over the land, this last, it may be hoped, 
of all such Democratic Presidents, surrendered a Gov- 
ernment which he had done nothing to save into the 



xvi PBEFA TOE Y NOTICE. 

Lands of a Republican successor. The times of trial 
and endurance, of the waste and the glory of war, of 
painful vicissitude and final victory followed. As the 
result of that extraordinary struggle, we have now, for 
the first time in our history, a Government which, 
being consistent with its avowed principles, may truly 
be designated as "Democratic." As I write these 
pages, I cannot sufficiently express the gratification 
which I feel at the enormous mass of nonsense which 
events have eliminated from our future political dis- 
cussions. When I began to write for The Tribune, 
there was hardly a political virtue, hardly a funda- 
mental social truth, hardly a time-honored maxim of 
humanity, hardly an elementary principle of justice, 
which we did not have to fight for as if they had been 
discoveries. There was the ethnologist proving four 
millions of men to be monkeys. There was the 
"statesman" demonstrating that the Constitution 
was framed expressly to sustain Slavery. There was 
the clergyman showing Human Bondage to be as 
necessary as Original Sin. There was the simpering 
novelist depicting the pastoral pleasures of the plan- 
tation, and the patriarchal felicities of the Blacks. 
There was the lawyer pleading that, in certain 
cases, the Habeas Corpus is good for nothing. And 
under all there were crowds of prejudiced and un- 



PREFATORY NOTICE. XY ii 

reasoning men of every social grade, from the highest 
to the lowest, who denounced every objector to this 
condition of affairs as a destructive and a radical, 
and who thought a flourishing trade with the South 
worth all the morality ever propounded, from Plu- 
tarch to Dr. Palev. 

It would, doubtless, have been easier — I know it 
would often have been thought in better taste — to 
have taken a low and despairing view of public 
affairs, and sadly to have predicted the second com- 
ing of chaos. But, partly perhaps from a constitu- 
tional habit, I was led to consider serious subjects 
cheerfully ; although I hardly ever made a jest upon 
the subject of Slavery without a feeling of self-rebuke. 
But it must be remembered that the gentlemen upon 
the other side were already in the field as mourners, 
and had pretty much monopolized the business of 
groaning. Nestor was with them, and so was Herac- 
litus ; and if the country was to be saved by crying, 
they were clearly designed to be the saviours. They 
were angry often enough at finding serious subjects 
lightly treated, and they did not relish a style which 
sometimes made havoc of their dignity ; but, upon 
the other hand, it may be said that there were those 
who did not at all relish their mournful methods, and 
who could not see that they were taking any very 



xviii PREFATORY NOTICE. 

promising way to avert the calamities which they 
predicted. But I am sure that there was not a mor- 
sel of ill-nature in the criticisms to which they were 
subjected. 

"With these considerations, this little volume is pre- 
sented to the reader, with a hope also, which may be 
justly expressed, that he will remember the original 
and temporary purpose of its contents. 



INTRODUCTION. 



■^^y ^y* 



Whenever the history of Journalism shall be truly 
written, one of its most interesting chapters will be 
that which traces the infancy and growth of that 
potent creation of our century, the Leader — that is, 
of the most important and conspicuous Editorial or 
Editorials, printed in the largest type, and occupy- 
ing the most prominent position. I say occupying, 
though the axiom that "Where Macdonald sits is 
the head of the table," applies here as well as else- 
where. Since the Electric Telegraph obtained its 
full development, the more prominent and interest- 
ing dispatches, or the Editorial summary thereof, 
will probably attract the first glance of a majority 
of readers ; but the Leader soon commands and fixes 
the attention of all. 

The Editor is he whose fiat decides what shall and 

what shall not appear, and in what garb, with what 

(xix) 



xx INTROD TJCTION. 

sanction, complete or qualified, that which does ap- 
pear shall be presented : he, in many cases, writes 
but sparingly — in some, it is said, not at all. Proba- 
bly, no person likely to be intrusted with the conduct 
of an influential journal ever supposed himself quali- 
fied, even if he had time, to discuss all the topics 
which require elucidation in its columns ; hence, the 
engagement of able, intelligent writers to treat of the 
various themes which, from time to time, invite dis- 
cussion, aside from those who, in the various depart- 
ments — Literary, Commercial, Legal, Dramatic, Mu- 
sical, etc., etc. — hold a more responsible and semi- 
independent position. The writer of a leading article 
is often a statesman of wide experience, or a scholar 
of ripe culture, who volunteers, or, on solicitation, 
consents, to elucidate a subject of which he is mas- 
ter ; sometimes accepting, at others declining, com- 
pensation therefor. More commonly, however, lead- 
ing Editorials are written by those who have given 
their youth to study and their earlier prime to ser- 
vice in the humbler walks of the profession, in which 
they have developed and perfected the capacities 
which they now exemplify. They are scarcely a 
tithe of the number who aspired to the position they 
have achieved — the vast majority having failed in the 
attempt. Liberally compensated and accorded a just 



INTBOB UGTION. xxi 

and wide consideration, they are raised above ser- 
vility or unworthy complaisance by the consciousness 
that their widely-recognized talents ensure them em- 
ployment elsewhere, if that now accorded them 
should ever be withdrawn. The Eepublic of Letters 
has few citizens more eligibly placed or more honor- 
ably regarded than they. 

Some members of this class are men of all work — 
ready, at the word of command, to review the most 
ponderous tome that embodies the latest and least 
intelligible speculations in German theology or 
Scotch metaphysics — to report a masquerade-ball, or 
to chronicle the latest Paris fashions ; but the better, 
if not more numerous, class do that work only (or 
mainly) for which they are specially qualified, and 
to which they are attracted by their studies, or their 
tastes — often by both. 

In the protracted, arduous struggle which resulted 
in the overthrow and extinction of American Slavery, 
many were honorably conspicuous : some by elo- 
quence; more by diligence; others by fearless, ab- 
sorbing, single-eyed devotion to the great end ; but 
he who most skillfully, effectively, persistently wielded 
the trenchant blade of Satire was the writer of the fol- 
lowing essays . Lowell's " Hosea Biglow " and " Bird- 



xxii INTROB UGTION. 

ofreduui Sawin," were admirable in their way, and 
did good service to the anti-Slavery cause ; but the 
essays herewith presented, appearing at intervals 
throughout the later acts of the great drama, and 
holding up to scorn and ridicule the current phases 
of pro-Slavery unreason and absurdity, being widely 
circulated and eagerly read, exerted a vast, resistless 
influence on the side of Freedom and Humanity. 
There are reprobates so hardened in iniquity as to 
defy exposure, scout reproof, and meet malediction 
with contempt ; but there was never yet a wrong- 
doer so callous as to feel indifferent to being laughed 
at. ISTo tyranny, no outrage, was ever yet panoplied 
in mail so strong or so close, that the shafts of Satire 
would not pierce it, and leave their barbs fixed in 
the quivering flesh beneath. 

The papers which follow are a part of the political 
and social history of the last twelve eventful years 
which ought to be preserved in a convenient, accessi- 
ble form — a part which will be found livelier read- 
ing than most History, and hardly less instructive 
and profitable. It has been widely asserted that the 
Editorials of The Tribune were among the chief 
incitements to the late Civil War. It is well, there- 
fore, that many of the most pungent and exasperat- 
ing of those Editorials should be collected and pub- 



INTROD UCTION. xxiii 

lished in this volume, so that our children may judge 
of the provocation they afforded to Secession, and 
the consequent desperate, bloody struggle for the 
lasting dismemberment of our Union. 

Wit has oftener sped its arrows in the service of 
Despotism and Oppression than in that of Liberty 
and Humanity. The Negro has long been its favorite 
target ; his repulsive color, his uncouth features, his 
shambling gait, his idiotic merriment, and his gro- 
tesque politeness, have all been portrayed and exag- 
gerated in defense of his enslavement, or in ridicule 
of any attempt to excite sympathy for his sufferings 
and invoke effort for his deliverance. " How can you 
feel, or even affect, interest in such a caricature of the 
human form ?" was the burden of pro-Slavery logic 
throughout the last generation. 

Our author met the traducers of the Black race on 
their own ground, and vanquished them with their 
own chosen weapon. Never compromising a princi- 
ple nor truckling to a prejudice, he turned the laugh 
on the jesters and set the public to mocking the mock- 
ers. While others demonstrated the injustice of man- 
selling, he portrayed its intense meanness, its un- 
speakable baseness, its monstrous unreason, in colors 
that even the blind must perceive. He drew two 
figures which no one could help abhorring, and, when 



xxiv 1NTR0D TJGTION. 

all had. evinced their irrepressible loathing, he show- 
ed the less repulsive to be the Slaveholder, and the 
other his Northern ally, apologist and champion. 

Snch was the work to which he devoted his time 
and talents ; to what purpose the following pages will 
axxeSu. 

H. Gr» 

New York, Feb. 1, 1S69. 



TRIBUNE ESSAYS. 



PERILS AND BESETTING* SNAKES. 

An institution morally bad seldom deludes the world 
into the belief that it is practically a good one. 
Wrong and injustice are not only insufferable, theo- 
retically, but they have a hard way of rendering 
nations, societies and individuals exceedingly uncom- 
fortable. By the indulgence of petty vices, we may 
sometimes lapse into a dreamy slumber, and thence 
into decided decomposition ; but a continuous and 
absorbing mistake, like that of Slavery, gives us no 
peace, and makes our mornings and our evenings 
full of disquietude and contention. 

The Slaveholder, so far from securing for himself 
and his family that soft and lassitudinous enjoyment, 
the desire for which is his moving principle, is sur- 
rounded by unseen perils, and is the constant victim 
of nameless apprehensions. His retainers cannot 
meet for prayer or for pleasure, without alarming 
him ; a poor half-fed, half-clothed, half-sheltered and 
hard-worked toiler cannot look sulky but his master 
1 (1) 



2 DOMESTIC DANGERS. 

sees in that black face a general insurrection ; a 
Northern newspaper arriving at the post-office is 
savagely squinted at as if it were an infernal ma- 
chine ; and the very chit-chat of the market and the 
tavern is scrupulously sifted in search of abolition 
sentiments. The great house is tremulous with 
alarms, and stands always in dread of the humbler 
quarter-houses. There is a revolution on foot in the 
garret. There is a gunpowder plot in the cellar. 
Betty is putting arsenic into the soup in the kitchen, 
and Sam is secreting a rusty musket in the stable. 
All this reconciles us to blundering Irish servants, to 
half cooked breakfasts, and to half-blackened boots, 
to the innumerable inconveniences attending free ser- 
vice on which our Southern friends are perpetually 
descanting. There is a pleasure in feeling compara- 
tively safe. There is rapture in the conviction that 
your throat is decently assured from the knife of the 
assassin. 

How easily the slaveholder is frightened, and how 
thoroughly, helplessly and hopelessly he is frightened, 
is proved by the astonishing willingness which he 
exhibits to hang his two-legged chattels. His public 
spirit in this regard is remarkable ; and the recent 
alarms of insurrection have furnished us with many 
notable instances of such magnanimity. To kill a 
dog that has worried sheep is not uncommon ; but 
then no dog is worth one thousand hard federal dol- 
lars, nor has Governor Wise made any enraptured 
prophecy of a rise in the canine market. The truth 
is that all the fuss and flurry, the public palpitation 



DISCOMFORTS OF THE SYSTEM. 3 

and panic, tlie excitement and executions which we 
have witnessed, prove with a rigidity of logic of which 
statistics would be incapable, the pitiable weakness 
of the Slave System. Such events as those which 
we have been obliged to record, render all apologies, 
excuses, extenuations and sophistries of no avail. 
They knock our twaddling friend, Mr. Richard 
Yeadon, as flat as his own style; they make ludi- 
crous the elegant simplicities of Mr. Simms, and 
they demolish the card-castle theories of Mr. Cal- 
houn, reared with so much patience, and at such an 
expense of time, of thought, and of ingenuity. And 
most especially do they dissipate the Abrahamic fan- 
cies of good President Lord, who, with a great deal 
of theology and an infinitesimal infusion of Chris- 
tianity, has proved black to be white, to the satisfac- 
tion of himself, of six other doctors of divinity, and 
of The Journal of Commerce. In the multitude of 
his bondmen the patriarch found strength, but the 
bigger the gangs of the plantation, the greater the 
weakness of the whole establishment. In South 
Carolina, this species of property has reached a 
point beyond which accumulation seems to be im- 
possible ; yet the State is in the last stages of con- 
structive pauperism, and would not have a doit to 
cross itself withal, did it not keep watch and ward 
with blade and blunderbuss. Abraham walking 
through his fields with a revolver in one hand, a 
cowhide in the other, and a bowie-knife between his 
reverend teeth — who can imagine such a preposter- 
ous figure ? 



4 THE DANGERS OF INVASION. 

We have said that these insurrections as they are 
called, or rather the fears of them, demonstrate the 
weakness of the whole system of Slavery — a weakness 
that ramifies in everv direction, and is felt in finance 
and in faith ; in personal character and in the public 
character ; in manners, habits, and all the phenomena 
of social life. This is true of it in a time of peace, 
when there is no pressure from without, and no ex- 
traordinary demand upon the resources of the State. 
Comparatively, at such a time, an indulgence in cow- 
ardly stupidities may be harmless. But a war is by 
no means impossible. We have vapored and swag- 
gered and played Pistol ; we have indulged in the 
pleasing luxury of Ostend manifestoes ; and, in theory 
at least, we have demolished most of the reigning 
dynasties of Europe, just as effectually as we have 
demolished Greytown. 

But suppose the dogs of war should become too 
strong for the Marcy of the future, or should grow 
restive in their leashes, with no Palmerston to restrain 
them. In the event of war, have our readers con- 
sidered how frightful would be the results of an inva- 
sion of the Southern country ? That there would be 
invasion nobody can doubt ; nor can any one sup- 
pose that a sagacious enemy would strike at us in 
the strongest places. Then, indeed, the noblest natu- 
ral resources of the country would only prove its bit- 
terest curse. It would be better to be without great 
gulfs, if they only invited the menacing fleets of the 
enemy ; without mighty rivers, if they merely served 
for the transportation of hostile flotillas ; and, with 



THE INTERESTS OF THE NORTH 5 

the threatened country in no better situation socially 
for defence than the South would be, the invitation 
would be inevitable, and the chances eagerly im- 
proved. 

With a sparse white population extending over an 
immense territory, a repulsion of military and naval 
forces would be, under any circumstances, difficult ; 
but how would those difficulties be increased and 
complicated by the presence of masses of irritated 
and despairing men, hopeless of happiness save from 
the ruin of a country which had proved to them only a 
stony-hearted stepmother ! The imagination shrinks 
from the contemplation of scenes in which the cus- 
tomary horrors of war are aggravated by those of a 
servile insurrection — conflagration, massacre, and 
wide-spread ruin! It is not enough to say that in 
such a contest we should be victorious, for victory 
would be obtained at a cost frightful to estimate — 
at the expense of a depleted treasury and a dimin- 
ished population. Those who sneeringiy ask us what 
the North has to do with Slavery, had better devote 
a few moments of leisure to a contemplation of those 
contingencies ; and should they have any difficulty 
in coming to a conclusion, we have only to refer them 
to the condition of South Carolina during the "War 
of the Revolution. 

January 8, 1857. 



Q THE PRESIDENT BESIEGED. 

INAUGURAL GLORIES. 

The gentlemen who do the didactic and the reflect- 
ive for the picture-newspapers, have enlarged in sen- 
tences, more or less leaden, upon the moral grandeur 
of the inauguration spectacle ; and have with patriotic 
pride speculated upon the wonder, not to say envy, w r ith 
which the bedizened Embassadors must have gazed 
upon the fire-companies and the Pennsylvania militia. 
Admitting that we had a fine melodrama on the 
fourth instant, we have now come naturally to the 
farce. We certainly do not think that the Diplo- 
matic Corps ever witnessed at home anything like this 
scramble for place, this contest for collectorships and 
clerkships, this pother about post-offices : in short, 
if we may use a coarse word, this grand grab for 
provender. The Malakoff was not more closely in- 
vested than the White House is now ; and we verily 
believe that no Russian soldier in that stronghold was 
ever in half so much danger of his life as Mr. Bu- 
chanan is at the present time. We can easily imagine, 
without personal observation, (for we have only asked 
for the appointment of our friend Cass,) how the poor 
President is baited and bullied and beset ; how the 
hungry beggars do invade the privacy of bed-cham- 
ber, of library and of parlor; how the perpetual 
knocking at the portals sounds in his ears like the 
unmentionable gentleman's tattoo — a reveille of con- 
tinuallv-recurrins; wTetchedness. We all know what 
a chronic bother are the little boys and girls who 
come into our areas for broken victuals; but what 



THE PERILS OF OFFICE. 7 

are they to swarms of adult mendicants, swarming 
from all quarters and bawling for more cold pieces of 
patronage than any President ever had or ever will 
have to bestow ? We never before fully appreciated 
the nursery line which bade our childhood " Pity the 
sorrows of a poor old man." 

We do not know that the quadrennial mania is any 
higher now than upon previous outbursts ; but as the 
republic expands, there are more offices to bestow, 
and, of course, a great many more people to fill them. 
We only refer to the matter now, to ask these tor- 
menters of the President if it be really their desire to 
kill him ? — if they are bent upon moral murder ? — 
upon an assassination by worrying ? Is Mr. Buchanan 
to be drawn like a badger ? — to be hunted like a fox ? 
to be pestered, perplexed, harassed into his sepulchre ? 
Are they in league with Mr. Breckinridge to take 
off the President ? If not, let them raise the siege 
and withdraw their eager forces ? His Excellency is 
an old man. He may bear his years bravely, but we 
should remember the proverbial ounce which breaks 
the camel's spine at last. We hear from Washington 
that the President is showing marks of senility, and 
that his friends are really uneasy about his health. 
If this be so, it should require no Hippocrates to in- 
form them that the best treatment of the illustrious 
patient will be found in their immediate departure 
for the rural districts. They can leave behind them 
their petitions — the certificates of their virtues, the 
affidavits of their capacities, the evidence of the gross 
incompetency of their rivals ; and Mr. Buchanan with 



8 A MERCHANT OF MEN. 

such aid can make up his mind without a personal in- 
spection of their lean and hungry faces. The double 
distilled extract of rats which they gave to the Presi- 
dent at the National Hotel, was sanative in compari- 
son with this procession of spectres around his official 
chair ! 

The nation has twice felt the death of a president 
to be an extraordinary misfortune. In both instances 
it lost a good executive officer, and in both found the 
Constitutional compensation for the loss to be but a 
dubious solace. The two Vices have turned out badly, 
and we do not want a Third Accidency. 

March 17, 1857. 



MR. BENJAMIN SCREWS. 

A friend has sent us the business card of a gentle- 
man in New Orleans. It is not the custom of this 
newspaper to advertise gratuitously, but in this case 
we so far depart from our rule as to give this pleas- 
ing announcement without expense to Mr. Benjamin 
Screws. It is as follows : 



BENJAMIN SCREWS, 

WILL KEEP CONSTANTLY ON HAND 

FIELD-HANDS, HOUSE-SERVANTS, CARPENTERS AND 

BLACKSMITHS, 

OFFICE— No. 159 GRAVIER STREET, 



A WORD FOE SCREWS. 9 

Now we do not intend to speak harshly of the en- 
terprising Screws, as some of our more ardent breth- 
ren might do. "We know it to be the custom of negro- 
owners to snub and to cut the negro-broker ; but for 
our own part, if human beings must be purchased, 
and if this two-legged locomotive merchandize be 
absolutely necessary in social economy, and if without 
it this blessed Union cannot possibly be preserved, 
we do not see but that somebody must deal in it, and 
why should not that somebody be Mr. Benjamin 
Screws as well as another ? 

Our Southern friends are really too hard upon the 
Slatters and the Screws. As well might we at the 
North turn up our noses at our butchers and sneer 
at our bakers. As well might a Wall street gentle- 
man, in a tight place, flout the accommodating philan- 
thropist who lets him have money to pay his note 
withal. You are in New Orleans and you want to 
buy a carpenter. Screws has first-rate ones con- 
stantly on hand. Your wife tells you that Yenus, 
the cook, is really getting too old, and you take this 
superannuated piece of goods to Screws and exchange 
her for a more youthful article, paying such boot as 
Screws and equity may demand. "Who will say that 
Screws is not a public benefactor ? — a most useful and 
worthy member of society ? We shall defend Screws. 
We see him in his office constantly striving to keep 
up a full assortment; we see him endeavoring to 
strengthen himself in the department of " house serv- 
ants ;" we see him laying in a fresh stock of black- 
smiths, or adding to his already large and well-selected 

1* 



10 JbCREWS DOES HIS DUTY. 

collection of field-hands : we see him inditing an ad- 
vertisement of large and late importations from Vir- 
ginia, calculated, he trusts, to please the most fastid- 
ious taste, both as to quality and price. This can be 
no light labor. 

Screws does not get his little profits for nothing. 
He has to keep his eye out when the coffle-gang comes 
in ; he must watch the market ; he must buy to please 
the preferences of his customers; he must select 
healthy parcels ; he must be artistic in picking out 
the pretty packages. In addition to this, Screws, be- 
ing naturally a man of tender feelings, is exceedingly 
harrowed and rasped in the gentler departments of 
his soul by witnessing painful partings between the 
goods — the shrieks of the prime mother ; the sobs of 
the warranted housemaid ; the agonies of the Al 
carpenters and the griefs of the superior blacksmiths. 
This renders the business of Screws peculiar; for 
nobody ever saw two cotton-bales distressed at the 
idea of parting, and the emotion of separated sugar- 
boxes is yet to be observed. 

Screws is in precisely the condition of the soft- 
hearted fish-wife, who is obliged to flay the eels alive, 
or in that of the good-natured butcher, whose custom- 
ers must have lamb in the season. But Screws has 
a public duty to perforin, and he performs it. It is a 
discredit to human nature that, after all these services, 
Screws should be so shamefully treated. He receives 
no vote of thanks, no service of ponderous plate, no 
canes with inscribed heads, no pistols with the grati- 
tude of the donors. The customers of Screws pay him 



A FASHIONABLE ASSORTMENT. H 

Lis money, and then instead of asking him to dinner, 
or to partake of the friendly drink, instead of tenderly 
squeezing his hand upon parting, they shim him as 
if he were fever-stricken. A hard time of it has 
Screws ; and if we could do anything to alleviate his 
woe, and bring negro-brokerage into good repute, 
perhaps we would. Unfortunately for Screws, we 
can not. Society has prejudices which are impreg- 
nable. 

We must, however, try to correct a notion 
which is totally unfounded. The prevailing impres- 
sion is that Screws deals altogether in black goods ; 
and these being considered of a low and degraded, 
although useful kind, the reputation of the business 
among the genteel has suffered accordingly. This is 
all very unjust. A gentleman in New Orleans, in 
writing to his correspondent in New York, says : "If 
you have any prejudices against buying black car- 
penters or smiths, Screws can furnish you with white 
ones, or those who are nearly so." Our readers will 
see that Screws deals in white folks. He is no mere 
" nigger' '-broker, although with commendable mod- 
esty he so writes himself upon his business card. 

In still another department, Screws might be use- 
ful. The New Orleans gentleman to whom we have 
referred, wants a wife. He had commissioned his 
New York friend to find him one, but Screws almost 
tempted him to withdraw the order. " From some 
samples," he writes, " which Screws showed me this 
morning, I am half inclined to recall my commission 
to your firm to furnish mo with a wife, as I saw one 



12 A PUFF WITHOUT PRICE. 

or two almost agreeable enough to satisfy even my 
fastidious taste. Price, $2,000 each. But I will not 
withdraw my commission, as yon may supply me 
without the outlay of so much ready money. Besides, 
the two ladies I saw were from Yirginia, and I do 
not much like the F. F. V.' 3 Here now is an open- 
ing for Screws. He can go into the wife-selling busi- 
ness. But, alas ! upon further reflection, we remem- 
ber that he is in it already ; nor has it enhanced his 
respectability a morsel. 

Well, Screws must struggle on as well as he can ; 
and since he cannot be respectable, must content 
himself with getting rich, which, no doubt, he will 
do, unless several of his most valuable parcels should 
abscond, or a few of his choice samples die of grief or 
fever. Meanwhile, we have endeavored to give him 
a hoist in the world, for which we have no doubt he 
will be duly grateful. But he need not trouble him- 
self to write us a letter of thanks. It always gives 
us pleasure to assist the meritorious. We believe 
that very few of our subscribers deal in the staple 
commodity of Screws, but if any of them want to buy 
a man or a woman, we advise them to call at " 'No. 
159 Gravier street, New Orleans," before purchasing 
elsew T here. 

April 14, 1857. 



MB. MASON'S MANNERS. 13 

MR. MASON'S MANNERS. 

What are good manners ? What is politeness as 
distinguished from rusticity ? Miss Leslie has writ- 
ten a little elementary book intended to teach our 
Yankee girls how to behave themselves everywhere 
— in the church, in the drawing-room, in the railway- 
car, and at the table d'hote. Mons. de Meilhauval has 
also compiled a Manuel du Scavoir, which is said to 
be a great polisher, but we have never seen it, and 
therefore, for all the good Monsieur might have done 
for us, we remain in our original ursine condition. 

But if we have books for brides and bridegrooms, 
with treatises upon every manner of incoming and 
outgoing, incident to human life ; if we have com- 
plete letter- writers and vade-mecums for ail kinds of 
persons, why should not our ministers plenipotentiary 
and our embassadors extraordinary have a manual of 
as much authority as that of General Scott is with 
infantry ? Why should they not be taught to go 
through their paces, their genuflexions, their advances 
and their retreats ? How must we have suffered in 
the estimation of polite Europe for the want of such 
a work, to the compilation of which we do respect- 
fully entreat Mr. Peter Parley to devote his declin- 
ing years ! Might not such a volume, however ele- 
mentary in its inculcations, have shown to John 
Randolph, of Roanoke, (clarum et veneroMle no- 
men /) the impropriety of approaching in a pair of 
buckskin breeches the enthroned Majesty of Mus- 
covy ? or of falling before Royalty upon his knees ? 



14 A MINISTERS MANUAL WANTED. 

For performing these two feats, the Lord of Roa- 
noke drew eighteen thousand dollars from the treas- 
ury of his country, and did that country no conceiva- 
ble service whatever. Might not a little previous 
study have saved Minister Hannegan from devoting 
himself more to Bacchus than to Vatel, Puffendorf 
and Wheaton, and from being kicked out of the prin- 
cipal taverns near the court to which he was accred- 
ited ? Might not such a volume have saved James 
Buchanan (with due reverence his name is here men- 
tioned) from the gross impropriety of the Ostend Con- 
ference ? Might not such a volume have persuaded 
a certain Secretary of Legation not to desecrate the 
sacred seal of Columbia ? Might it not have whee- 
dled and coaxed another Secretary of Legation into 
paying his debts before leaving Paris, so that shop- 
men would not then have inquired of every Ameri- 
can purchaser, when the American Diplomatist in- 
tended to return ? Pray let us have " The Diploma- 
tist's Own Book !" 

"We have been betrayed into these suggestions by 
seeing mentioned in the newspapers a painful error, 
into which the Honorable John Y. Mason, the august 
representative of this country near the Court of Louis 
Bonaparte, recently fell. We wish to speak with 
tenderness of Mr. Mason, because, notwithstanding 
his innocence of the vernacular of Gaul, he has shown 
a great desire to acquit himself creditably, by array- 
ing himself upon court-days in the small-clothes and 
cocked-hat proscribed by the late Mr. Marcy. It is 
also understood that he would rather stay in Paris 



ME. MASON'S ABSENCE OF MIND. 15 

than come home, for a reason that he has ; that he is 
not personally a devotee of the principle of rotation, 
and that as for resigning he will see Mr. Buchanan 

■ first. 

But this is a weakness, if it be a weakness, with 
the whole diplomatic body. In fact, we think we 
can hear Mr. Buchanan chanting to our friend Cass : 

Why do n't the men resign, my Cass — 

Why do n't the men resign ? 
Each one seems coming to the point, 

But never sends a line. 

Mr. Buchanan ought not to be so impatient. Sup- 
pose that he were abroad, and did not want to come 
home ; how would he like to be pricked in the 
tender parts of his constitution ? 

But the reader may fancy that we are never com- 
ing to the point. It is not a point at all. It is the 
back of a chair. Of a chair, we believe, at the Tuil- 
eries. And of a chair with an empress in it — an em- 
press descended from a Scotch merchant and an Hi- 
dalgo of the bluest blood of Spain. Near that chair 
thus imperially occupied, sits the Representative of 
the United States of America. Perhaps he is stand- 
ing ; but that makes no difference, for the back of 
the chair might have been a high one. He might 
also have been masticating the weed of his beloved 
Virginia ; but details, however important, are denied 
us. Suddenly he throws his arm about the back of 
the chair of H. S. M. ! Oh, heavens ! what next ? 
"Will not that arm descend upon that snowy and 



16 THE BOGERSVILLE FLOGGING. 

s wan-like neck, which we have all so much admired 
in engravings ? Goodness gracious ! what might have 
followed ? From the chair-back to that other back, 
and so on ! Depend upon it we were only saved by 
good luck from a war which all the cunning of diplo- 
macy could not have averted ! 
tj 

" Oh, Diamond ! Diamond ! thou little knowest the 
mischief thou hast done !" cried Newton when an ill- 
conditioned cur- overthrew a candle, and burned all 
the crooked mathematical computations of years. 
" Oh, John T, Mason I" say we, " thou little knowest 
what mischief thou wert in danger of doing !" The 
venerable Benton once said of Embassador John : 
" If the man has a belly-full of oysters and a hand- 
ful of trumps, he will thank God for nothing more !" 
If that hand had been " going it better " or " nary 
pair " on that fatal night, we should have been saved 
from this national discredit. 

August 13, 1S57. 



THE GREAT ROGERSVILLE FLOGGING. 

We gave the other day the First Chapter in the 
History of the Great Flogging behind the Second 
Presbyterian Church in the town of Rogersville, 
Tenn. — a flagellatory event which will hereafter se- 
cure for that edifice, heretofore humble and unknown, 
honorable mention in ecclesiastical annals. We 
showed how the " boy " of Netkerland — Deacon of 
the church aforesaid, and colonel of some regiment, 



AN IMPENITENT BOY. 17 

the number and arms of which are to ns unknown — 
was properly chastised beneath the shadow of the 
sacred eaves. The object of this whipping was to 
produce in the " boy " a penitent frame of mind ; to 
extract from him a confession of the name of tl\e evil- 
minded and Bad Samaritan who had helped him to 
run away. 

Now we propose — this being one of those cases 
which demand profuse details — to give the Second 
Chapter. The tongue of the " boy " remained dumb. 
He groaned and bellowed in the most pusillanimous 
manner at his stripes, in such a sonorous way, in 
fact, that the soft-hearted neighbors had serious 
thoughts of interfering, and of rescuing the weak- 
minded floggee from the strong-armed flogger. But 
there was a certain other " boy " — venerable and sil- 
ver-haired this " boy " was— and it occurred to the 
Deacon-Colonel that this ancient juvenile knew some- 
thing of the running away and hiding of the first- 
named " boy." " Boy " Anthony bore peculiar rela- 
tions to Deacon Netheiiand. In by-gone days, when 
that present stern champion of the Presbyterian 
Church was in his swaddling-clothes, the "boy" 
Anthony had helped to nurse him, had played with 
him, had carried the sucking Colonel upon his shoul- 
ders a hundred times. 

Certainly poor old " boy " Anthony, under circum- 
stances less pressing and less dangerous to the Presby- 
terian Church, might have hoped for a little mercy 
— a little mollifying recollection of the old times — a 
little yielding to gentle ^reminiscences. But the spirit 



18 A NOBLE CASTIGATION. 

of Netherland was up. Here was the Second Presby- 
terian Church, in Kogersville rocking to its founda- 
tions, to say nothing of the blessed structure of our 
political institutions, which was vibrating in the most 
alarming manner. So Netherland smothered his emo- 
tions and sternly subdued the promptings of pity, and 
determined to extract the secret from the breast of 
Old Anthony. He gave him up to be coaxed by the 
seductive "cat" into a confession. Anthony was 
taken by a negro-trader into an adjoining county. 
It was the blessed Sunday — but the better the day 
the better the deed. They conducted Anthony into 
a stable. He had not the honor to be flogged behind 
the Second Church, but he did have the honor to be 
flogged in a stable — an edifice similar to that in 
which, about nineteen centuries ago, our Saviour 
was cradled. He was carried, the poor " boy " An- 
thony, into a loft, and the ceremonies commenced. 
This holy and acceptable living sacrifice was stripped 
to nakedness, stretched on a plank, his arms tied to- 
gether under a plank, his feet to a post, his head to a 
brace, so that the old " bov " could not move at all. 
Now for the instrument of flogging. It was no 
common utensil. It was no vulgar cat-o'-nine-tails. 
It was a carpenter's saw. Carpenters are scripturally 
classical. Joseph was a carpenter. Hence the theo- 
logical propriety of using a saw. 'Tis a Mississippi 
invention, and all honor to the gallant State wiiich 
introduced it ! Well, they were rather hard on the 
"boy!" The neighbors closed their windows that 
they might not hear his cries. The women whim- 



THE FLOGGING RENEWED. 19 

pered — as the women will — till the owner of the sta- 
ble stopped the proceedings, probably being ashamed 
to have them noticed by his horses. The trader was 
disgusted, and carried Anthony off to have his polish- 
ing completed in Butledge. The slave w ent into fits, 
but for all these, he was taken to a jail and the whip- 
pings were renewed. The sheriff interfered. The 
stony-hearted jailer interfered. So the whipper was 
compelled to break off, and Anthony after waiting a 
week to be healed, returned — by a singular coin- 
cidence — upon a Sabbath evening to his home. 

Now it is quite a remarkable fact, that in the opin- 
ion of the neighbors, all this labor of the trader was 
ill-expended, and that Boy No. 2 knew nothing of 
Boy No. 1, his fugacities and hidings. Hence, all 
this perspiration, this exertion, and even this Sab- 
bath-breaking, was labor lost. Because if Boy No. 2 
had nothing to tell — and it is certain that, in spite 
of his tortures, he did tell nothing — what was the 
use of whipping him ? It was a sheer squandering 
of saws, blood, muscle and whips, to say nothing 
of the needless harrowing of Colonel Netherlands 
feelings. 

However, the Colonel showed himself to be a regu- 
lar Roman. He did not wince when poor Anthony 
dragged his mangled body home on that Sunday 
evening. He snapped his fingers at the Rev. Sam- 
uel Sawyer when that weak-minded priest censured 
him. He defended the deed. He called upon the 
church to dismiss the Bev. Samuel, and the church 
obeyed. 



20 WHAT JOHN MITGHEL WANTED. 

Thus ends the Second Chapter in the History of 
the Great Rogersville Flogging. We have written 
it in no lightness of spirit, if with some lightness of 
speech. There are certain human inconsistencies and 
foibles, so terrible and degrading, that we greet them 
with a laughter which is akin to tears. 

September 5, 1857. 



MR. MITCHEL'S DESIRES. 



A mysterious philosopher of Massachusetts some- 
where has remarked, that " consistency is the vice of 
little minds." If this aphorism is to be accepted, 
then we may suppose Mr. John Mitch el's intellect to 
be of gigantic proportions, and his brain by several 
ounces heavier than that of Webster or of Cuvier was 
found to be. For of all the erratic men of a race 
notoriously erratic, Patriot Mitchel has turned the 
most bewildering flip-flaps. As a political artist, he 
may be said, like some celebrated painters, to have 
changed his manner : and his last manner is precisely 
the opposite of his first. 

The denouncer of English tyranny ; the champion 
of Irish liberty ; the persecuted for freedom's sake ; 
the man who nearly thrust his neck into a hempen 
cravat in his eagerness to emancipate Ireland ; this 
man is about to start a newspaper somewhere at the 
South, solely devoted to apologies for oppression, to 
vindications of absolutism, to eulogiums of Slavery. 



HIS PASSION FOP PLANTATIONS. 21 

New light has broken upon the soul of John. He 
has been permitted, by a benignant Providence, to 
behold the errors of his early career, and to recog- 
nize the exceeding beauty of broad plantations well- 
stocked with broad-backed " niggers." Since his con- 
version, John has grown in Pro-Slavery grace with 
a rapidity really marvelous. Since he made his first 
startling confession of his yearning for one planta- 
tion and one gang of fat field hands, John has ad- 
vanced his pretensions, and now expresses a desire 
for two plantations and two gangs of adipose chattels. 

This is all very well. While one is wishing, it is 
just as cheap, and a great deal more fascinating, to 
wish largely, and moderation in this atmospheric 
architecture has never been a Milesian characteristic. 
At the same time, we advise the neighbors of this as- 
piring patriot to be on the alert. One of George the 
First's Dutch mistresses, being hustled by a London 
mob, called out from her carriage : " Do n't hurt us, 
good peoples ; we come for all your goots /" " Tes, d — n 
you, and for all our chattels, too," was the reply. Mr. 
Mitchel may succeed in convincing the Slaveholders, 
who are sadly in need of smart champions, that he 
has come for their good ; but if he continues to ex- 
hibit such an overweening propensity for " all their 
chattels, too," they may not only consider him too 
expensive to be indulged in, but they may also har- 
bor a suspicion of his disinterestedness which would 
be painful. They may insist upon the rule that 
" half 's fair." 

Mr. Mitchel, if we may judge by his prospectus, 



22 AN ENTHUSIASTIC CONVERT. 

has entered upon his new duties with commendable 
spirit. It is always pleasant to witness the fresh zeal 
of these novices. It is seldom that they stick at any- 
thing. They do not simply go the whole hog, but a 
whole herd of whole hogs. Slaveholders, born and 
bred in the midst of Slavery, and who have hereto- 
fore suffered themselves to be pretty enthusiastic ad- 
vocates of the institution, stand aghast at their own 
moderation when they listen to men who come among 
them, and who volunteer to assist them. When the 
visual orbs of such are purged of any remaining film 
of free notions, and the John Mitchels see Slavery 
(as they say) for themselves, they always discover 
more beautiful things in it than were ever dreamed 
of by the Slaveholder. To tell the truth, they gener- 
ally overdo the matter, and are more rapturous than 
is absolutely necessary. When fhey say, as John 
does, that Slavery is the finest institution in the 
world ; that it is vastly more promotive, than Free- 
dom, of the prosperity of a State ; that it is the best 
thing for the master and the best thing for the slave, 
why they talk hyperbolical nonsense, and are re- 
garded by Southern men who hear them with pro- 
found contempt. 

Those who have had the best and most extended 
opportunities of studying the institution know that 
such talk is mere babble. The man who is listened 
to with the greatest respect is he who, while he sees 
no remedy for the evil, admits that an evil it is. 
Therefore, we conjure Patriot John, by all his hopes 
of a seat in Congress, by his love of many planta- 



MB. MITCHEL' S COMMERCIAL VIEWS. 23 

tions, by his peculiar passion for corpulent negroes — 
by all these we conjure him, to moderate his raptures. 
Otherwise, people will be apt to call him an old 
humbug. 

In pursuance of our advice, we think that Mr. 
Mitchel had better say nothing more of the reopen- 
ing of the African Slave-Trade. If one people are 
to go to Africa for slaves, why may not another peo- 
ple go to Ireland for the same commodity ? We hope 
we shall not offend Mr. Mitchel's Hibernian sensi- 
bilities by the question, but how would he like it if 
a French ship should carry off from the coast of Ire- 
land, and into Slavery, a select assortment of his 
aunts, uncles and cousins ; in fact, the cream of the 
Mitchel family % But the Africans are black, and 
the Irishmen are white — when they are not very 
dirty. True enough ; but color has not heretofore 
saved the Irish people from the most terrible oppres- 
sion. 

We suppose that a certain town-major Sirr — John 
may have heard of him — flogged white backs with 
as much gusto as John will flog black ones, should 
he come to own them. But the Africans are shift- 
less and degraded. Well, we have heard it just 
intimated that some Irishmen are not, after all, 
models of smartness and prudence. But then, Afri- 
cans cannot help themselves. We should like to 
know how well the Irishmen have helped themselves 
for many centuries. We have no desire to speak 
with the slightest disrespect of the many noble efforts 
of that people to throw off the yoke ; but when an 



24 DIPLOMATIC DUTIES. 

Irish patriot, as Mitchel professes to liave been, argues 
that the black man is not fit for freedom because he 
is not free, it is perfectly proper for us to ask this 
Irishman why the rule is not applicable to the condi- 
tion of his own countrymen. But, out of our respect 
for an unhappy land, we will not pursue the subject. 
Many and grievous have been the burthens of Ire- 
land ; she has now another to bear in the apostasy 
of a man whom she once delighted to honor. 

September 9, 1857. 



MR. MASON'S MANNERS ONCE MORE. 

Anatomists have been much bothered to deter- 
mine the uses of the pineal gland and the spleen ; 
and what these mysterious organs are in the body 
physical, embassadors, ordinary and extraordinary, 
are in the body politic. When a respectable Boston 
merchant, more remarkable for his knowledge of 
" domestics " than of diplomacy, was appointed by 
our Government to St. James (where he cut a sump- 
tuous figure and spent double his salary for the honor 
of his country), he had a painful recollection of hav- 
ing somewhere read, or at some time heard, that an 
embassador is " a person sent abroad to tell lies for his 
country ;" a service which he did not care to under- 
take. To solve his doubts, he went to Mr. Edward 
Everett, who is authority in Boston for every point, 
from a disputed passage in Euripides to the config- 



A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS. 25 

uration of the great toe of a statue, and asked him 
simply if he should be obliged to tell the lies afore- 
said. Mr. Everett promptly responded in the nega- 
tive. So Mr. Lawrence went to London, and gave 
those excellent dinners which to this day are recalled 
with grateful salivary glands by those who partook 
of them. 

Thus we have excellent authority for rejecting as 
a scandalous old libel, the mendacity theory. But 
there is yet another, the mendicity theory, which has 
lately been received with some favor. An embassa- 
dor is sent abroad in order that he may make money 
enough to pay his debts ; and it is understood that 
the present august representative of this country at 
the Court of Napoleon III., is retained in office ex- 
pressly that he may " realize " to that pleasing extent. 
Our readers, particularly in these times of monetary 
pressure, will agree with us that no more commend- 
able motive could actuate a man to do duty in short 
breeches upon gala-days at court ; and at any rate, 
we are certain that the creditors of the gentleman 
alluded to will coincide with us in the opinion. 

As there is very little for an American minister to 
do in Paris, save to disport himself upon proper occa- 
sions before the imperial eyes, we do not see why 
Mr. Mason should not have the pay as well as an- 
other, provided there be no worthy Democrat who 
owes more and has less to pay it with. In such case, 
the shortest and hardest-uD man should be allowed 
the privilege of procuring for American travelers, 
tickets of admission, to see the Beast of the Tuiieries. 
2 



26 SCANDAL JJM MA GST A TUM. 

But Mr. Mason's claim must be considered as para- 
mount until some Democrat entitled to write jpau- 
jperrvm/as after his name shall dispute it. 

Under these circumstances, what cruelty is it to 
Mr. Mason, and what injustice to his creditors, to 
circulate false tales about his demeanor before roy- 
alty, thus touching him upon a most tender point, 
and, as it were, sticking pins through his court-stock- 
ings directly into the embassadorial calves ! And to 
impeach his conduct, too, at that Court of all others ; 
a Court where everything is conducted upon princi- 
ples of the very pinkiest propriety ; a Court which 
maintains a grave Chamberlain expressly to teach peo- 
ple how T to behave themselves, which official has writ- 
ten a hand-book of manners, to which Mr. Mason no 
doubt gives his nights and days, just as young, per- 
sons desiring a good style of writing English, " must 
give their nights and days to Addison ! ?? And to 
charge him, too, with hugging the Empress of that vir- 
tuous realm — an offense which, constructively, might 
be considered capital, and which might have obliged 
the offender to part with his head — a portion of the 
body necessary to the man if not to the embassador ! 
And to impute to Mr. Mason this offence, when his 
fate was in the hands of James Buchanan — that 
mirror of continency, that more than Joseph, that 
Pamela of Presidents ! 

But the story, incredible as it first appeared, came 
to us so well authenticated that, careful as we are, 
we published it with comments appropriate to the 
terrible disclosure. But let us not be lightly blamed 



A FRIGHTFUL FALSEHOOD DENOUNCED. 27 

when it is considered that The Richmond Enquirer, 
a journal usually so careful of the honor of the F. 
F. Y., also gave the narration publicity. "We both 
relied upon the alleged authority of The London 
Court Journal, which is your very Sir Oracle on 
scandals connected with palaces. As we were de- 
ceived into doing injustice to Mr. Mason, we accord 
him the amplest reparation in our power. 

Know all men, women and children by these pre- 
sents, that Embassador Mason did not hug the Em™ 
press. Two Virginians residing in Paris — whether 
creditors or not does not appear — have written, the 
one to The National Intelligencer, the other to The 
Richmond Enquirer, indignantly denying the truth 
of the scurvy story ; while the editor of The London 
Court Journal has solemnly declared over his (or 
her) own hand, that the hugging paragraph never 
appeared im that newspaper. " The matter being 
beneath the notice of His Excellency," these two 
friends in need and friends indeed, have rushed to 
the rescue, and Mr. Mason's character is upon the 
courtliest of legs again. 

Indeed, out of this furnace of affliction (his friends 
say that the story has " saddened him ") Mr. Mason 
has come burnished and refulgent and brighter (a 
great deal) than our new cent. He ought to thank 
the enemy who devised this scandal, for it has pro- 
cured him several of the strongest puffs which he 
ever received in his life, and that, too, just in the 
nick of time. It seems that of all the diplomatic 
body he is the pet of the Emperor, and also (in a 



28 A CERTIFICATE OF CHAR AC TEE. 

strictly Platonic way) of the Empress. "Whether, 
like Mary of Argyle, he is " loved for his beauty, but 
not for that alone/' we cannot say ; but of the affec- 
tion there can be no doubt. Here is the certificate : 

" I know that on the 1st of January last, when 
the Emperor received all the foreign dignitaries, he 
greeted the American minister in the most cordial 
manner ; and after expressing his best wishes for the 
continuance of good feeling between the two govern- 
ments, concluded by hoping that he (Mr. Mason) 
would remain at his court for the coming four years. 
These words were heard by the Russian Embassador, 
who told our Minister that it was his duty to repeat 
the words thus addressed to him in his official capac- 
ity, to his Government, but Mr. Mason, with the 
modesty of true merit, has, I am sure, remained 
silent upon the subject." 

We 7-ejoice that Mr. Mason's " modesty " has not 
kept this valuable information from the Cabinet at 
Washington, where it will produce an excitement. 
Mr. Buchanan will, of course, act upon the recom- 
mendation of Napoleon, as the preference of that 
monarch ought to be conclusive. So much for Mr. 
Mason as a diplomatist. But it is as a man of man- 
ners, of polish, of civility, of the best breeding, that 
he gets the cleanest certificate. So far from being a 
big bear, he is Chesterfieldian, and as punctilious as 
a professor of etiquette or a Chinese mandarin. In- 
stead of needing instruction himself, he is just the 
man to teach others. Here is his " character " as 
given in The Richmond Enquirer : 



A RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN. 29 

" In any question of manners, lie possesses the kind 
sensibility to prompt, and, unimpaired, the just fac- 
ulty to discriminate what, as regards the occasion, it 
seems most proper and befitting to do or to avoid." 

There is no name given, but we know the writer 
of this to be a gentleman by the fine language which 
he uses. It reminds us of a reply sent by a courtly 
negro to an invitation, in which he regretted that 
"circumstances repugnant to the acquiesce would 
prevent his acceptance to the invite." Now we know 
why they want Mr. Mason to stay at the Court of 
France. They want him there " to show them how 
to do it." Like Mr. Turvey drop's, his deportment is 
beautiful. Should stern policy demand his recall, 
let him be made Master of Ceremonies at the White 
House, and with a happy blending of " foreign airs 
and native graces," show the ruler of this realm to 
his people. 

October 2, 1857. 



PRESIDENTIAL POLITENESS. 

When we parted, in by no means a heart-broken 
state, with Mr. Pierce, and settled ourselves to bear 
as best we might the reign of Mr. Buchanan, the gen- 
eral opinion was that we had made a change for the 
better. There was a notion that Mr. B. was a more 
respectable man than his predecessor ; or, at any rate, 



30 MR PIEIWE RECEIVES A BIBLE. 

that he would be more forbearing in his treatment of 
his antagonists, and less likely to do hard, ungener- 
ous and ungracious things. In fact, despite the little 
Ostend escapade, Mr. Buchanan ran very much upon 
the -merits of his respectability and figured in the 
multitudinous speeches of his champions as a vener- 
able pacificator. It must be confessed that he has 
done very little in that way thus far. He seems to 
exhibit rather the querulousness than the placidity of 
old age. On the contrary, Mr. Pierce was particu- 
larly polite, and often advanced the most indefensible 
opinions in language of more than sophomorical ele- 
gance. When at his worst in public policy, he was 
most dulcet in his demeanor ; and he vetoed necessary 
measures with commendable suavity. Mr. Buchanan, 
we regret to observe, is rather snappish, and too much 
inclined to snub the humble petitioners who approach 
the throne. The different characters of the last and 
of the present President may receive illustration from 
the following facts : 

Last January, when Mr. Pierce was about to retire 
from the presidential glees and glooms, he received 
from the American Bible Society a copy of the Holy 
Scriptures, " as a token of their high regard for the 
office which he held." We do not know to whom 
the Society could more appropriately have made the 
donation than to one who, during his administration 
of public affairs, was singularly unmindful of many 
of the teachings of The Book. Uncharitable people 
might say that Mr. Pierce's case was like that of the 
man who, upon being asked by a distributor if he had 



ME. PIERCE'S GRATITUDE. 31 

a copy of the Bible, produced two leaves, with the 
apologetical remark, that " he had no idea that he 
was so ' near out. 5 ?? 

But in all respects the gift was creditable to the 
Society, and we hope that it will prove profitable to 
Mr. Pierce. A suspicious and touchy man, however, 
upon receiving it might have resented the presenta- 
tion as implying a suspicion of his sore need of the 
instructions of the volume, and of his lack of a copy 
of it. But Mr. Pierce behaved in no such ungracious 
way. On the contrary, he sat down at once and 
wrote a charming letter of acknowledgment to the 

O CD 

Society, paying the handsomest compliments to the 
book in particular and to the Christian religion in 
general. To be sure, he said some things in it which 
rather puzzle us; albeit we suppose that they are 
perfectly plain to The Journal of Commerce and other 
sheets less benighted than our own. After putting in, 
as became a sound Constitutional Democrat, a re- 
minder " that in our political institutions there is no 
union of Church and State," Mr. Pierce informs us 
that " Christianity animates our nation ; it is the 
true spirit of good government ; it is the character- 
istic and peculiar quality of modern civilization — the 
all-pervading principle of our laws, the sentiment and 
the moral and social existence of the people of the 
United States. 55 

This is well expressed ; and we are not surprised 
that it gives our friend Forney's newspaper, from 
which we copy it, much cairn satisfaction. But the 
ease and accuracy with which it is to be interpreted 



32 THE WRONG KIND OF CHRISTIANITY. 

will depend upon what kind of Christianity Mr. 
Pierce refers to. The truth is that there are several 
varieties now in vogue ; and when presidents write 
upon theological subjects, they should be careful to 
let us know to which particular kind they are allud- 
ing. If Mr. Pierce in the above elegant extract re- 
ferred to the new Christianity invented by the Dr. 
Rosses, expounded by the Rev. Brownlows, and prac- 
tically exemplified sometimes behind the Presbyterian 
meeting-house in Rogersville, Tenn., why then the 
meaning of the sentence is as plain as a pike-staff. 
That is the Christianity which "animates our na- 
tionality," and is too much " the all-pervading princi- 
ple of our laws 5 ' — a Christianity which does not let 
the oppressed go free ; but which chases them with 
blood-hounds, or with the hardly milder myrmidons 
of the law ; a Christianity which, if it does not sanc- 
tion, fails to rebuke, adultery, cruelty, and one great 
continuous theft of the earnings of the poor. But if 
Mr. Pierce refers to that other Christianity of older 
date, which inculcates good- will to man, then we 
confess that his words are as mysterious to us as if 
they were written in Egyptian hieroglyphics. Still 
this has nothing to do with the manner of the letter 
which all will admit to be remarkably civil. 

How different the style in which Mr. Buchanan 
received his present ! Certain gentlemen in Connec- 
ticut remarking with pain that he seemed to be igno- 
rant of the principles of the Constitution, as well as 
of his official duties, prepared and sent to him a little 
memorial, in which some of the simplest of these prin- 



UNGBATEFUL MB. BUCHANAN. 33 

ciples and duties were pointed out in plain language. 
The donation was not a magnificent one, it must be 
confessed, and not worth half so much as those big 
cheeses which it used to be the fashion to present to 
presidents. But the donors " gave all ; they could 
no more ; though poor the offering was." That Mr. 
Buchanan would have found a study of the paper 
profitable, we confidently aver. But instead of de- 
voting himself to it like a good scholar, he ungrate- 
fully wrote to the Connecticut gentlemen a letter, the 
burthen of which was, " Thank you for nothing !" — a 
letter the very opposite of what may be called genial, 
and as puckery as a persimmon before the frost. 

Some writer (French, of course) says that he prefers 
bad morals to bad manners ; and without going to 
that extreme, we must say that suavity in a public 
officer is by no means to be despised. The mistress 
of the White House is said to be a well-bred young 
woman ; and we advise Mr. Buchanan to entrust his 
more delicate correspondence to her. Female tact 
will amply atone for any lack of political knowledge. 

October 10, 1857. 



WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR. 

In these days of general and wide-spread modesty, 
we dote upon impudence. We are pleased to see or 
to hear from a man who, in disregard of all the de- 
cencies of public life, approaches the administration 
9* 



Si MM* WALKER JUSTIFIED 

with, a front of brass, and with lingual abilities of the 
curliest serpentine order. We have said many things 
sharp and severe of Mr. William Walker, the distin- 
guished pirate. If our memory serves us, we have 
held him up to the public as one who, by all right 
and law, should be suspended from that plant so dif- 
ferent from all other trees, and which bears a fruit 
not yet classed by the horticulturists. Not to put too 
fine a point upon it, we have thought that if it were 
right to hang anybody, it would be eminently fit and 
proper to hang William Walker. 

We beg pardon of our readers for this mistake. 
We have not understood William. We have not, we 
confess, made proper allowance for that sublimity of 
insolence which amounts to a virtue ; for that pano- 
ply of "niggerism" which enables any pro-slavery 
adventurer to place himself at once in confidential 
relations with the Government ; for that catholic prin- 
ciple which permits any discontented Yankee to trans- 
mogrify himself into a Spaniard, a Hottentot, or a 
Nicaraguan. Our political estimate was too narrow. 
We should have understood that the reigning mon- 
arch of that empire — so extensive and powerful — was 
by no means required to keep himself permanently 
squatted upon his august throne ; but that he might 
give himself leave of absence from the Imperial do- 
main whenever pleasant or convenient ; that he might 
run away, and so live to fight another battle ; that 
his departures from the realm, albeit sometimes com- 
pelled by the ingratitude of his subjects, and an occa- 
sional bayonet probe a posteriori, urged nothing 



AND DEFENDED. 35 

against his legitimacy. Be it known to all people, 
then, that the present and perpetual Executive of the 
Republic of Nicaragua is now a wanderer and an ex- 
ile ; but, whether with or without the pomps of power 
and the modes, forms and shows of authority, that he 
is still Governor, and is not, by reason of his truancy 
from his dominion lessened in his authority by the 
ninth part of a hair. Are we not right in admiring 
the stern persistence which can maintain itself under 
such circumstances? The king is dead — long live 
the king ! 

Sweet William has written to the Hon. Lewis Cass 
— at this moment, unless dead, our Secretary of 
State— -upon terms of equality, and as one great func- 
tionary should write to another. William appears 
to. consider himself a modern Themistocles, quite en- 
titled to what he calls " the rights of hospitality." 
He does not happen to have a Secretary of State near 
him just about this time, and thus he is compelled to 
discard etiquette and to communicate in propria per- 
sona. He is quite pained to learn that Mr. Cass in- 
tends to prevent his return, with his " companions," 
to his own Principality of Nicaragua. He is still 
more hurt to learn that there is a rumor that he de- 
signs to violate the Neutrality Laws — popularly sup- 
posed in the least well-informed parts of the United 
States to be still in existence. 

Nov/, in spite of his palaver, it is necessary to bring 
this marauding William up with a round turn ; to 
tell him that, politically, he is a humbug, and that, 
practically, he is a felon. Any disreputable corsair 



36 WHY NOT, KING WILLIAM? 

can write to Mr. Cass. Gentlemen of a burglarious 
turn of mind, sent to a seclusion from this wicked 
world, may open a correspondence with Mr. Secre- 
tary. Pens, ink, paper, three-penny stamps are 
among the commonest and cheapest of conveniences. 
William may write and so may we. It is in our 
power to send word to the Secretary that we have 
subjugated Orange county, in the State of New York, 
and that hereafter in that bailiwick the jurisdiction 
of the United States will not be acknowledged. Per- 
haps our letter, however, would not be telegraphed 
to the morning papers. Therein William has the 
advantage of us. Beaten, expelled, exiled, ruined, 
dethroned, he can still write to the Government of 
the United States. So much for having re-estab- 
lished Slavery where it had been abolished. 

The " Republic of Nicaragua " according to Wil- 
liam, is " the Republic of Walker/ 5 Although the 
last vestige of his authority has disappeared in that 
State — although he is neither sent for nor wished for 
— he still assumes to be the Governor of that ilk. 
How shall we with ordinary patience treat this bit of 
brazen assumption ? If the people of Nicaragua are 
his admirers, and passionately desire to have him 
once more ruling over them, why, in the name of all 
that is reasonable, does not William at once rush into 
the arms of his affectionate subjects ? Why does he 
need " companions ?" And why, if he cannot give 
up the delights of friendship, should the " compan- 
ions" carry rifles, knapsacks, bayonets and cartridge- 
boxes ? Why should they not sail in peaceful galleys 



MB. WALKER MARCHES. 37 

toRealejo? Why should not these " jolly compan- 
ions" march into Leon waving olive-branches or white 
flags? Tour country calls you, William, and you 
should not disregard her entreaties. Go and win ! 
But why write to the Secretary of State ? 

Nothing strikes us more forcibly than the eminent 
consideration with which Walker regards the Neu- 
trality Laws of this country. He, the exiled Nica- 
raguan, is the guest of the United States ; and can 
he possibly disregard its statutes ? We do not know. 
We are afraid he will, if he can. Before he became 
a Nicaraguan, he was, if our memory serves us, a 
Lower Calif orni an and a Sonorian. He repels with 
" scorn," and also with " indignation," the idea that 
he intends any violation of our laws. But how does 
he propose to go to Nicaragua ? Solitary and alone ? 
Unarmed ? We fancy not. He can only depart for 
that country from these shores with an armed reti- 
nue ; and we do not place much confidence in the 
assertions of thieves that they intend to purloin upon 
quite legal and Christian principles. The crime of 
which Walker professes such an abhorrence, he com- 
mitted, as all the world knows, in 1853. And he 
will commit it again, if he is allowed the opportunity. 
Let us have no more nonsense ! 

November 10, 1857. 



38 SCREWS AS A PLAINTIFF. 



BENJAMIN'S SECOND NOTICE. 

Screws again — B. Screws, Esq. The well-known 
B. Screws. Not to go into untimely refinements, 
Benjamin Screws. The individual doing business in 
Gravier Street, New Orleans. The only trader here- 
tofore puffed in these columns without being dis- 
tinctly ranked as an advertiser. The man who deals 
in the cerebrums and the cerebellums, the skulls, the 
wind-pipes, the chests, the abdominal regions, the 
legs, the heels, the great toes, and the little toes of 
his fellow-creatures. The man who sends out a card, 
announcing his large and well-assorted stock of hu- 
man goods, who has the warranted cook-maids, and 
the blacksmiths, and the carpenters, and the pretty, 
wasp-waisted, bright-eyed little yellow women, for 
that matter, if you will but please to call for them. 
Everything choice, solid, muscular, fascinating, and 
even voluptuous, upon the premises of Benjamin 
Screws. Twice we have given Mr. Screws a notice, 
and our readers may well be weary of him. But we 
feel it to be our duty to stand by Screws as a well- 
marked biographic phenomenon of the century. The 
great flesh-broker is in trouble, and at such an hour 
it is not for us to desert him. He is at present in a 
sore state of litigation, brought on by his efforts to 
furnish the inhabitants of Louisiana with Al house- 
maids and field-hands, and to make everything pleas- 
ant in the homes of New Orleans. 

Screws is now in the noble attitude of a plaintiff. 
Heretofore we have considered him as a defendant. 



THE ANGUISH OF 8CREW8. 39 

When last we had occasion to speak well of him, 
Screws was in that receptacle popularly and in com- 
mon parlance known as " the jug." Screws, in his 
intense and unwavering exertions to supply every- 
body with "field-hands, house-servants, carpenters 
and blacksmiths," had sold the boy Toby to Colonel 
Hardy. Toby, instead of being a good, patient, hard- 
working and generally useful boy, had the audacity 
to die of the measles. Toby, before the measles, and 
before passing into the broking hands of our friend 
Screws, was owned by one Whitfield, of Mississippi. 
Whitfield sent Toby to Screws to be sold. And 
Screws sold him. And Colonel Hardy (of what 
regiment is not stated) bought him. And Toby 
suffered himself to catch the measles and died, not- 
withstanding his benefactor, B. Screws, Esq., had 
warranted him sound in limb, wind and muscle. 
Actually popped off with the measles ! Imagine the 
anguish of B. Screws, Esq. ! Imagine the greater 
anguish of Colonel Plardy, who had nothing but a 
cadaver, when he fancied he had paid $1,350 for a 
tip-top nigger ! Imagine the still greater anguish of 
Mr. Whitfield when he heard that Toby was dead 
and Benjamin Screws would not, except upon legal 
compulsion, pay him over the $1,350 — Toby's price. 
There seems to have been a great deal of distress all 
around. Whitfield was distressed for the $1,350 ; 
Colonel Hardy was distressed at having only the 
fatal measles, when he expected a fine field-hand ; 
and dear Benjamin Screws was distressed, because he 
had, in a thoughtless moment, compromised his char- 



40 SCREWS' TROUBLES. 

acter as a negro-broker by disposing of a measly 
African. 

" Send me my $1,350," wrote "Whitfield. " I can 't 
do it," wrote Benjamin in reply. " Toby," lie con- 
tinued, " is dead — of the measles. I warranted him 
against the measles and all other cutaneous disorders. 
He had one of them, however, and his life has paid 
the penalty of his audacity. Hardy says I must pay 
him and not you." Whether or not friend Screws 

ended with " d Toby," we cannot say. Yery 

likely he has, in the most unnecessary manner, con- 
signed Toby to that fate before this. 

Well, to make a long story short, Whitfield, having 
an eager appetite for his money (as who has not in 
these days ?), walked B. Screws, Esq., to the calaboose, 
upon a charge of embezzling. The benevolent Screws 
was actually locked up. And all because nigger Toby 
had the measles. The report from which we copy, 
that of a New Orleans newspaper, states that Mr. 
Screws was " paraded before the public under no 
very pleasant relations." Whitfield wanted the 
$1,350 ; Hardy wanted the $1,350 ; and, of course, 
Benjamin Screws did not passionately desire to pay 
$2,700, to say nothing of the loss of his lawful com- 
missions. It was a dead lock. But we think we have 
the key to unlock it. 

It is evident that all this trouble comes of Toby's 
willfulness in dying of the measles. He had a grudge 
against Whitfield for selling him ; against Screws for 
broking him ; against the Colonel for buying him ; 
so he died ! It served him rightly, the ungrateful 



SCREWS A FACT. 41 

black person ! "What would be thought of an ordin- 
ary servant, who, in the height of the season, should 
have the meanness to go away and catch the measles, 
and die just to avoid working ? 

When Screws was haled before the court, the 
judge said : " Go, Benjamin ! thou art innocent. 5 ' 
And he did go, and stirred up his stock, we suppose, 
in a lively manner, by way of venting his feelings. 
But he did not stop with the floggings, the paddlings 
and the picklings which the law allows. He had 
been hurt in his good name. The tenderest portions 
of his constitution had suffered an abrasion. So he 
brought Whitfield to account " for falsely and mali- 
ciously charging him with embezzlement." This 
civil action for incivility is still pending in New Or- 
leans ; and we hope to report that Benjamin Screws 
has recovered enormous damages. 

Many persons have supposed Benjamin Screws to 
be a myth — a fabulous personage — a creation of 
this newspaper. But it becomes more and more 
certain that Screws is a veritable being. We append 
his card, with an apology for not reproducing it in its 
original elegance — an act of justice which our typ- 
ical resources will not permit. Here it is, as well as 
we can give it : 

" Benj. Screws, Negro Broker, will keep con- 
stantly on hand, Field-Hands, House Servants, Car- 
penters, Blacksmiths. Office, No. 159 Gravier St., 
New Orleans. References : Shade F. Slatter, Thomp- 
son, Allen & Co., Maccaboy & Bradford, New Or- 
leans." 

November 26, 1857. 



42 MB. B. JOHNSON'S ELEGANCIES, 



THE REVERIES OF REVERDY. 

We have made a discovery — a literary discovery. 
One of the sweetest and prettiest writers in this land 
of Hail Columbia, is the Hon. Beverdy Johnson, of 
Lyndhurst, near Baltimore, in the Commonwealth of 
Maryland. When, as became watchful journalists, 
we underwent the perusal of the proceedings of the 
Palace Garden Democracy, we found Judge Parker 
not fascinating, his only joke being green with the 
moss of several centuries, and his serious, alarming 
and hortatory passages, so intolerably, consummately 
and miraculously dull, that we were nearly in as 
much danger of coma as the Union — Heaven bless 
the dear old venerable concern ! — is of dissolu- 
tion. 

Judge Parker does not appear to be one of your 
brilliant men, the sort of person to hang up in a dark 
alley. He is solid, we suppose, and sensible, and 
practical, perhaps, and able. But not a shiner — 
at least not in a report. Then there was the Hon. 
Jefferson Davis, who intimated that we Republicans 
are men of low " instinct," Mr. Davis being, we sup- 
pose, a man of instinct high, lofty, elevated, sublime, 
towering, soaring and tall. This disrespectful lan- 
guage did so discompose, disarrange and irritate our 
minds, that we incontinently vowed to read no more 
of Jefferson Davis, so that we missed all his serene 
gems and blushing flowers, and were compelled to fall 
back upon Eeverdy. He was, as the young ladies 
lisp, " be-you-tiful." A kind of frisky Dr. Johnson, 



HIS LETTER IS GOOD. 43 

we should say, stately, but smiling ; sesquipedalian, 
but fascinating ; plethoric, but pretty. 

The epistle of Reverdy to the New Yorkers is 
good. As we perused his well-padded sentences, we 
were so solaced by sound that we ceased to look for 
sense, but suffered ourselves to be borne upon the 
tide of his eloquence, quiescent and unresisting. 
When Reverdy described the wreck and ruin of 
Dissolution, we could hardly go on, and yet, some 
strange fascinating power fixed our right orb on the 
page, while the left organ of vision performed a series 
of vibrating winks at a curiously rapid rate. These 
phenomena were accompanied by an almost irresisti- 
ble desire to place the thumb to the nose. Dissolve 
the Union, says Reverdy, and you are physically, 
morally, socially and economically " done for." He 
uses no such vulgar language, but that is what he 
means. He says to us : " Dissolve, and your down- 
fall commences, and rapid will be its progress." A 
progressive downfall, Heaven save us ! must be some- 
thing perfectly awful, and suggests the dire catas- 
trophe of Jack and Gill and the well-known pail of 
water. 

But hearken to the Baltimore Jeremiah 1 Hav- 
ing smashed the Union, he paints the cruel conse- 
quence of the division to the Northern half, or, to 
speak more accurately, two-thirds. Our " magnifi- 
cent commercial marine will be one no longer." 
Minus the Stars and Stripes, it will go at once to 
the celebrated locker of D. Jones. We shall " dwin- 
dle to the feebleness of a German principality." We 



44 EXTREMELY GOOD 

can only " traverse the deep by permission of the 
great nations of the world." " The charm of your 
enterprise," says Jeremiah Johnson, " will be broken, 
the foundation of your strength destroyed, and you 
remitted to worse than infantile imbecility." A 
pretty prospect, indeed ! 

Mr. Johnson concludes with " total ruin," and thus 
finishes the most melancholy epistle which we have 
read for many a day. We will do him the justice 
to say that in the water-cart style he is easily first. 
Choate is lurid, but Johnson is moist. The only 
encouraging thing which he says is, that the Kansas 
excitement is permanently closed ; and he exults 
thereat. If he really thought so, he might have 
made his letter somewhat shorter and a trifle gayer. 
Why doleful dumps should now the Johnsonian mind 
oppress ; why he should continue to sigh, and sob, 
and groan, and grunt, and cry, and choke ; why he 
should persist in shouting fire, now that the fire is 
extinguished ; why he should not, the danger past, 
come out of the tombs, shave himself, and put on a 
clean shirt and a smiling face, he may know, but we 
certainly do not. 

Does he like the luxury of woe ? Does he find 
tears sweet ? and sighs pleasant ? and apprehension 
comforting ? We advise him to bid farewell to idle 
fears, and to wipe his eyes with a star-spangled pocket 
handkerchief. Let him profit by the example of 
John Yan Buren, who wrote to the Palace Garden 
to say that he could not come to the meeting, but 
sent his best love and encouragement. John may 



BUT MOURNFUL. 45 

sometimes swear and sometimes laugh, but lie knows 
altogether too much to cry. So, upon this occasion, 
he comes bravely up to the scratch, and does not 
doubt at all. He is in the most altitudinous spirits. 
He sees victory in the distance preparing wreaths for 
the inevitable and triumphant Democracy into a par- 
ticularly large chaplet for himself. Now, we like 
pluck, and we must say that the Prince presents a 
contrast very much in his own favor to the dyspep- 
tic Mr. Eeverdy, who must watch over that sensitive 
nature of his carefully, or he will be doing himself 
an injury in the next dangerous month of November. 
"We thought that the fashion of lugubriosity had 
gone out, and that our public men of the Democratic 
party were about to show a little valor, and affect a 
confidence in the stability of the Union, even if they 
possessed it not. But they get worse and worse. 
The Hon. Eufus Choate, as we understand, now 
wears a hair shirt, fasts for seven days together, and 
spends all his leisure hours in offering prayers for the 
preservation of the Union. The Hon. Edward Ever- 
ett has been a stranger to happiness for several years, 
and here turns up the Hon. Eeverdy Johnson, by not 
a little the most frightened man in the Confederacy. 
Now, we are for a modicum of fun, and cannot pos- 
sibly see the use of fingering our eyes, snuffling and 
trembling, like boys seeing, or expecting to see, a 
ghost. Care, too, which remorselessly killed the cat, 
will kill these sensitive patriots, unless they better 
control themselves. We, therefore, recommend to 
Mr. Reverdy Johnson some light purgative medicine. 



46 MB. FIELDER 'S FORESIGHT. 

regular hours, cheerful society., and a reasonable effort 
to rely, just the least in the world, upon Divine Provi- 
dence. 

October 21, 1858. 



THE FORESIGHT OF MR. FIELDER. 

A vocalist of the last generation, celebrated in his 
day, and called Incledon, while listening to the per- 
formances of Braharn, was accustomed to wish that 
his old music-master could come down from heaven 
to Exeter and take the mail-coach up to London, " to 
hear that d — d Jew sing." Mr. Herbert Fielder, of 
Georgia, who is the latest champion of disunion, and 
who appears to have muddled himself into something 
like sincerity by too much reading of Mr. Calhoun, in 
a pamphlet which he has put out, and for which he 
charges the incredibly small sum of fifty cents, utters 
a similar wish. 

Mr. Herbert Fielder admits that Gen. "Washington, 
in a certain document usually called " The Farewell 
Address," strongly deprecated the dissolution of the 
Union. In the course of his disquisition, Mr. Fielder 
supposes Washington to descend from heaven, with 
or without the aid of a parachute, but still, we sup- 
pose, in full regimentals, with what Mr. Fielder calls 
" important dispatches." So changed are we, accord- 
ing to Mr. F., that the angel Washington would not 
know at first where to alight. But Mr. F. is certain 
that after hovering 4 over the land for a while and tak- 



MR. FIELDER PROVES THINGS 47 

ing sights at us, we suppose with a telescope, Wash- 
ington would drop upon the Slave side of the line 
and immediately call a Disunion meeting. " Should 
the experiment ever be made," says Mr. Fielder, " that 
would be the result." 

Unfortunately it is not violently probable that the 
experiment will ever be made. The second advent 
of Washington, in spite of Mr. Fielder's invocation, 
is not an event which will occur this week or next. 
We shall wait some time, if we wait for Washington 
to come down to help us ; and Washington himself 
might object to such a mission. However, in the ab- 
sence of this illustrious ghost, Mr. Fielder undertakes 
the patriotic duty of enlightening this great nation. 
He proves to a demonstration that the Southern 
States are down-trodden, bleeding and bound — com- 
pletely under the thumbs or toes of the IsTorth — slaves, 
vassals, serfs of the commercial States ! " There she 
sits" — " she" meaning the JNbrth— •" levying tribute on 
the Southern agriculturist, to clothe in costly purple 
and feed on sumptuous repast the lordly manufactu- 
rer." Quite touching ! But those who are taking out 
their handkerchiefs may put them up again, for Mr. 
Fielder immediately goes on to prove that the South- 
ern States are the most prosperous, enterprising, in- 
telligent and the happiest communities in the world. 
The benevolent and sympathetic reader is thus placed 
in a most uncomfortable position, and does not know 
whether to grin or to groan. But as he has paid his 
half dollar, he has, we suppose, the right to choose. 

Mr. H. Fielder, we will do him the justice to say, 



4:8 AND STILL PROVES THEM. 

is a first-rate hater. He throws down his glove in the 
preface with an unmistakable sincerity. " I hate the 
North," says Mr. H. Fielder, ferociously. "I love 
the South," says Mr. H. Fielder, tenderly, not to say 
amorously. Having thus proclaimed his freedom 
from all possible unworthy prejudices, he advances 
with zeal, demonstrating the prosperity and prostra- 
tion of the South with a sort of ambidextrous logic, 
which would have astonished Archbishop Whately. 
He opens, indeed, with a burst of amiability, and a 
sort of grim politeness, soothing to consider. " It is 
optional," says Mr. Fielder, " with the public to read 
the title-page, and to throw it (the book) down with- 
out a perusal, or to read it." 

Herein it will be seen that Mr. Fielder's pamphlet 
differs from all other pamphlets heretofore ushered, 
or hereafter to be ushered, into this reading world. 
We cannot sufficiently appreciate Mr. Fielder's ob- 
liging condescension. We will, however, do him the 
justice to say, that he is occasionally entertaining and 
sometimes remarkably pretty. For instance, when 
he speaks of the doughfaces, who, poor fellows ! are 
doing their best, he forcibly and eloquently says : 
" The voice of our friends at the North, if we have 
any there, (ungrateful doubt ! ) is as feeble, compared 
with that of the enemy, as would be the force and 
power of a cooing turtle-dove upon a solitary oak in 
the forests, when a thousand hungry eagles with 
whetted beaks and distended claws were already on 
the wing for the assault." One turtle-dove with a 
thousand eagles— a thousand hungry eagles, a thou- 



FIELDER' 8 VIEWS. 49 

sand eagles with whetted beaks, a thousand eagles 
with distended claws — one turtle-dove assailed by 
such a winged host would be, we admit, in a condi- 
tion of considerable peril. We introduced the pas- 
sage to show Mr. Fielder's mastery of style, which 
is a most convenient accomplishment when one has 
very little to say and a desire to say a great deal. 
But we pity the doughfaces. The whole body of 
them thus compared to one miserable, little lonesome 
pigeon ! 

We will do Mr. Fielder the further justice to say, 
that he really does seem to consider Human Slavery 
to be altogether beautiful. It is evident that if he 
were not Fielder he would be a field-hand — if he were 
not a slave-owner he would be a slave. He does not 
seem to think that there is any material difference 
between the rapture of owning and the rapture of 
being owned. Slavery is sweet alike to his mental 
and his religious constitution. He duly lugs in the 
Holy Scriptures. He quotes, " Cursed be Canaan !" 
as if it had never been quoted before. We have short, 
biographical notices of Noah, Ham, Shem, Japheth, 
Abraham, Hagar, Jacob, our old friend Onesinius, 
and our old friend Philemon. One of his pages bris- 
tles with Biblical references : Gen. ix. ; Lev. xix., etc., 
etc. The dear old "doulos " is again trotted out. The 
creature-comforts of Southern chattels are duly and 
admiringly dwelt upon. The blankets of the Black, 
his raiment, his pork and his pone when he is well, 
and his potions and pills when he is sick. Then his 

condition is contrasted with that of white workmen 
3 



50 JOHN MITCHEL. 

at the North, who are, as usual, described as ragged 
and ruined, as paupers or prisoners, as starving or 
stealing. 

We fancy that we have met with something like 
this line of argumentation before. Mr. Fielder takes 
it up with an enthusiasm which leads us to suppose 
that he considers it to be a novelty. If he does, he 
is very much mistaken. 

We think we may say, in conclusion, that so far as 
Mr. Fielder is concerned, the Union is already dis- 
solved. The case now stands thus : Thirty-two sov- 
ereign States versus Herbert Fielder, Esq., of Georgia. 
Mr. Fielder has not, at the latest dates, proceeded so 
far as to seize the public arsenals, post-offices, revenue 
cutters, etc., but we presume that he will do so at his 
earliest convenience — that he will elect himself to all 
necessary offices, and so found a Republic which will 
knock the ideal of Plato to splinters, and afford to an 
admiring world a revival of the glories of Sparta, 
Athens, Assyria, Carthage and Rome. 

November 18, 1853. 



MR. MITCHEL'S COMMERCIAL VIEWS. 

Among the most consistent philosophers at present 
engaged in the support and defence of Human Slavery, 
we must certainly rank that illustrious patriot, John 
Mitchel, the Irishman, who is at present grinding in 
the slaveholder's mill, and who will be transferred, 



BUYING 3IEN A BUSINESS 51 

when his owners are ready, to the mill at Washing- 
ton, in which the grinding will be worse and the pay 
proportionately better. Those who are not over-nice 
in their moral notions, who like to behold perversion 
perfect, and who find a fascination in the utter wreck 
of humanity, will be enraptured to learn that Mr. 
John Mitchel has reached the lowest depths of men- 
tal degradation, and is now about the most beauti- 
fully unpleasant person connected with the American 
press. 

In his way — which is not a very fragrant way — he 
is now positively accomplished. We do not think 
that any future offenses of his can be ranker or smell 
higher than that which has now been committed. 
He is laudably ambitious to sink ; but we believe that 
his ambition should, and in the nature of things must, 
now rest satisfied. When a man honestly believes — 
and, of course, Mr. John Mitchel is honest — in man- 
stealing and man-selling, it is exceedingly creditable 
to him to have the moral courage to avow his belief 
promptly, plumply and plainly, without circumlocu- 
tion or extenuation. " I am a villain," said an Irish 
actor in a barn, with knit brow and general truculent 
physiognomy. " That's a fact !" exclaimed some ad- 
miring critic in the gallery. " You lie !" responded 
the indignant liistrion. 

But Mr. John Mitchel does not so answer, when 
his frank avowal meets with a similar response. He 
puts on his sweetest smile, makes his best bow, and 
blandly acknowledges that he is a villain — -a traitor, 
and proud of his treason- — a kidnapper, and proud of 



52 AND A VERY GOOD BUSINESS. 

his kidnapping. His brazen boldness is the most de- 
licious thing of its kind which has ever come to our 
knowledge; except through the pages of Jonathan 
Wild the Great. He makes us think of the old 
Border Ruffian of Scotland, who " sae rantingly, sae 
dauntingly" danced round the gallows-tree. We are 
indebted to him in this prosaic time for a new sensa- 
tion. A champion of Irish Emancipation transmogri- 
fied into " a nigger-driving Yankee," and still yearning 
for new gangs and fresh niggers, is an object for any 
traveling menagerie, and cannot be gazed upon with- 
out awe, and other sensations too numerous and too 
peculiar to be mentioned. 

We do not know that our readers will be at all 
surprised when they learn that this Irish patriot has 
plainly avowed himself the champion of the African 
Slave-trade. He is more Southern than the extremest 
Southern soldier of Slavery ; and like most converts 
of the kind, he makes an ass of himself in avowing 
his conversion. Southern gentlemen who have here- 
tofore deluded themselves into the belief that they 
were tolerably faithful to the Institution, are lectured 
with tremendous severity by this Irish brave, and are 
reminded by him, with more vigor than modesty, of 
their duties. They are told, in fact, that they lack 
" pluck," which is, we suppose, the most mortal insult 
which can be offered to your genuine Southron ; that 
until they come out boldly for piracy — that is for 
what the civilized world has agreed to consider as 
piracy — they are a set of wooden spoons, talking 
much, it is true, about chivalry, but without one par- 



IMPORTATION OF MEN 53 

tide of chivalry in their composition. Such frank- 
ness is delightful to us ; but the slave-mongers of the 
South, who have done their best to be bad, and have 
honorably struggled to be models of inhumanity, may 
think it a little unkind and altogether undeserved. 

For our part, although South Carolina has small 
love for us, we will not stand calmly by and hear her 
thus slandered, without saying a good word in her 
defense. We say plainly to John Mitchel, that he 
does the slave-holder gross injustice. We do not be- 
lieve that they lack a relish for piracy. On the con- 
trary, we believe that they would engage in it with 
commendable alacrity, if they thought that it would 
pay expenses. They probably understand their own 
business quite as well as Mr. John Mitchel under- 
stands it ; and if they are satisfied that a given course 
of action will not be profitable, they cannot be ex- 
pected to engage in it simply to gratify him. 

Mr. Mitchel propounds a theory of negro-importa- 
tion in a gay, rollicking, humorous spirit, in which 
the blood-thirstiness of the thug is agreeably dashed 
with the overflowing humor of the Hibernian. He is 
especially funny about the king of Ashantee, who has 
a lot of " fine cheap fellows for sale," and Mr. Mitchel 
proposes, in his light way, " to patronize the king of 
Ashantee." He plants himself upon what he calls 
" the human-flesh platform," and gloats and giggles 
over his horrible theories, as w T e may imagine the 
king of Dahomey dilating with rapture as he puts 
the last skull upon one of his amiable pyramids. Well 
is it to be merry and wise, but we suppose that we 



54 FATHER LUBOVICO. 

must not blame this poor Exile of Erin for being 
merry, and otherwise. If a man must eat the bread 
of dependence, we will not grudge him the marma- 
lade of merriment. 

December 1, 1858. 



FATHER LUDOVICO'S FANCY. 

The Popes of Rome have accomplished some very 
tough and apparently hopeless work in their day ; 
and this historical fact, we suppose, emboldened the 
present papal chairman, to lend his sanction — possi- 
bly without due consideration — to an enterprise ap- 
parently Utopian, which has been initiated in Naples. 
For there is in that charming city a certain Father 
Ludovico, a monk, who is highly zealous and par- 
ticularly interested in the conversion of Ethiopia — 
it never having been the luck of the weak-minded 
Ludovico, to peruse those overwhelming ethnologico- 
theological exercitations manufactured by our divine 
Southrons, in which it is distinctly proved that, al- 
though " a nigger," wdiether he be or be not a human 
being, can "get religion," yet that it must be an in- 
ferior religion, not founded upon the intelligence of 
the professor, but something of the nitrous-oxyde de- 
scription, inhaled by the sable convert, and making 
him u feel good," he knows not how or why. This 
process has, indeed, been found wonderfully effective ; 
and we are not, therefore, startled to find our re- 



MANUFACTURING CHRISTIANS. 55 

ligious contemporary, The North Carolina Presby- 
terian., asking the masters of that State why, in the 
name of common sense and the very cheapest econ- 
omy, they do not stir up a revival ; because, as The 
Presbyterian justly observes, " The market-value of 
a pious slave is greater than that of an impious one, 
while a lively faith improves his personal appear- 
ance" — plerophory being followed by pinguiosity, 
and solemnity by sleekness. 

But the species of religion admired and cultivated 
in North Carolina, and especially in Rogersville, 
Tenn., — where the sweet-souled Colonel Netherland 
gave his negro that beautiful basting behind the 
church, which, through these columns, has passed into 
history — this species is one which Father Ludovico 
does not appear to fancy. He clearly has not em- 
braced the American notion that a black body who 
cannot read his Testament, and to whom the hymn- 
book is a jumble of hieroglyphics — who has a good 
opinion of the Deity, but a much clearer one of his 
driver — who works out his salvation by spading and 
digging faster and more steadily than his profane 
fellows — who grows safely stupid as he grows sweetly 
saint-like — is as fit for heaven as circumstances will 
admit. On the contrary, the good Ludovico begins 
with the head, and so ingeniously works his way 
down to the heart. Nor does he shrink from solv- 
ing the problem under the most adverse circum- 
stances. He does not select negroes who have by 
contact caught a color of civilization, and who have 
been morally if not physically bleached. 



56 THEY ABE MANUFACTURED. 

Padre Ludovieo sends for his negro-neophytes di- 
rectly to Africa, and brings them, burned black by 
Equatorial suns, with skins of ebony, and blubber- 
lips, and frizzled-hair, and the Ebo shin so enlarged 
upon by General Wise — "brings them to Naples ! He 
knows that the heads are rather hard, but he feels 
perfectly satisfied that if he can get anything into 
them, it will have small chance of getting out again. 
So Father Ludovieo goes cheerfully to work with his 
black possibilities. He teaches them Latin, Italian, 
French and Arabic, adding to this polyglot process, 
instruction in geography, arithmetic, physics, chemis- 
try and elementary geometry. Having thus trained 
these animals in secular accomplishments, he adds 
to their stock of knowledge "the doctrine of the 
Catholic Church," and sends them home to Christian- 
ize Africa. And very successful is the Father Ludo- 
vieo with his animals, in spite of their facial angles 
and bone-bound brains. At a recent exhibition of 
the cultivated beasts, everybody was charmed ; the 
Cardinal- Archbishop of Naples was delighted ; the 
Prime Minister was in raptures, and " several other 
distinguished personages " were filled with admiration, 
as the achievements of Padre Ludovieo quite over- 
shadowed Mr. Rarey's equine triumphs, and plunged 
all previous monkey-trainers into oblivion and human 
contempt. And what Father Ludovieo is doing, the 
Abbe Olivieri is also doing at Naples, for the negress- 
es, so that when Africa is christianized, it seems 
highly probable that it will be done rather after the 



THE VIEW OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. 57 

fashion of Rome, than the fashion of Bogersville, in 
the State of Tennessee. 

We know that it is exceedingly wrong, although 
not quite so unpopular as it was two or three years 
ago, to say one word in praise of the Bom an Church, 
or in extenuation of its alleged errors. But, what- 
ever may be urged against it, nobody can dispute its 
boldness, and activity, and far-reaching sagacity. In 
the enterprise under consideration, we have another 
added to innumerable previous instances of its faith 
in human culture ; a faith transcending the most re- 
condite speculations of the ethnologist ; the daintiest 
exegesis of our Doctors of Divinity ; the most stal- 
wart prejudices of the white race ; a faith in the human 
soul and not a faith in this or that tint of epidermis. 

To draw the conclusion of the congenital, heredi- 
tary and hopeless imbecility of a race, from that por- 
tion of it which, for more than a century, has been 
so busy in helping others that it has had no time to 
help itself — which has been systematically and perse- 
veringly brutalized — which has been surrounded by 
the light of human civilization, and yet continually 
and cautiously blindfolded, is to blunder in the begin- 
ning, middle and end of the whole matter. 

We hope the Bresbyterian Church South, and all 
other Southern churches, will duly consider the ex- 
ample offered by the " Babylonian Dame." Fas est 
ab hosie doceri — it is just the thing to be taught by 
an opponent. We can imagine the surprise, and 
even the consternation, which would ensue, if the 



3* 



58 MB. CHOATE' S RELIGION. 

population of the quarter-houses should be summoned 
by the overseer — this one to receive a French gram- 
mar, and that, Lindley Murray, and the other, Malte- 
Brun. We would not p]unge into the middle of 
things in such a reckless way, but would set out with 
due simplicity, with primers and pictures, and good 
serviceable horn-books. " But," interpose the Patri- 
archs, " teach them their letters, and they will all 
run away !" Well, if fit to run away, able to run 
away, and desirous of running aw x ay, why should they 
not run away ? 

February 2, 1859. 



MR. CHOATE ON DR. ADAMS'S SERMONS. 

The Essex Street Church, in the city of Boston, en- 
joys the pastoral supervision of the Rev. Nehemiah 
Adams, D. D., and the distinguished confraterniza- 
tion of the Honorable Rufus Choate — a combination 
of felicities which hardly any ecclesiastical body of 
this age or of any country can boast. The twenty- 
fifth anniversary of the settlement of Dr. Adams was 
held last Monday evening, and Mr. Choate made a 
beautiful speech upon the occasion, in which he prin- 
cipally advised the congregation to study the Greek 
and Roman languages, and by no means to abstain 
from the perusal of Shakespeare. Passing to a con- 
sideration of \h^ ministry of Dr. Adams, Mr. Choate 
declared that its chief charm for him had been, that 
the Doctor had never preached anything but pure 



HIS CREED STATED. 59 

and undefiled religion, and had never hurt the feel- 
ings of the Honorable Mr. Choate, who said : 

"Never in an introductory prayer, never in a 
hymn, occasionally, or in the ordinary course of pub- 
lic worship, never by an illustration in any sermon, 
by any train of association, right or wrong, have I 
been carried back into the world that I had left." 

From this it will be seen how exceedingly Mr. 
Choate has enjoyed his religion, and how much the 
church must have enjoyed him, and how perfectly 
serene everything must have been in Essex Street. 
This is why the Rev. Nehemiah Adams has been pre- 
sented by his congregation with a piano-forte, valued 
at $400 ; and with $2,000 in hard cash, and " other 
valuable articles." In truth, Mr. Choate argues the 
matter with great profundity. Hear him ! 

" The great concrete of practical politics, the work- 
ings of our special confederated system, the laws and 
conditions of our very artificial nationality, will he — 
the clergyman — permit rne to enquire whether or not 
his deep studies, aliunde ei dwerso intuitu, have en- 
abled him to know anything of them ?" That is to 
say, a clergyman may understand Shakespeare and 
should understand Greek and Latin, but politics he 
cannot understand. "He will," said Mr. Choate, 
" have learned from his Bible that the race of man 
is of kindred blood ; but he cannot know how far 
these glorious generalities are modified by civil so- 
ciety." 

Mr. Choate is clearly advancing. Some years ago 
he discovered that the " generalities " of the Declara- 



60 IS IT RIGHT? 

tion of Independence were glittering. And now he 
has discovered that the generalities of the Holy Bible 
are glorious. In fact, if we understand him at all, 
he would cut off the clergyman from all interest in 
human affairs, from all observation of a government, 
without which there could be no churches and no re- 
ligion, from a judicious direction of the political sym- 
pathies and emotions of his parishioners, from all at- 
tempt to save them from passion and selfishness in 
their politics, and from a bad conscience in their po- 
litical relations. JSTow Mr. Choate has read more than 
most men in history, as is evident enough from the 
countless historical allusions which crowd his ora- 
tions ; and he knows that in no age at all remarkable 
for spiritual progress and the development of relig- 
ious liberty, have piety and politics submitted to the 
divorce which he proposes. If we would have our 
religion worth anything — if we would secure for it a 
practical influence and a computable value — we can 
no more separate it from our politics than we can 
separate it from our domestic relations. If there be 
in this question of Slavery no moral element — if it 
be perfectly indifferent in the sight of God, whether 
we are humane and brotherly and benevolent, or the 
opposite, so we do but join the church of the Rev. 
Dr. Adams — then Mr. Choate is right and his pastor 
is right. But this is substantially suggesting that in 
politics a man cannot go morally wrong. We have 
hardly reached that point ; but we cannot, of course, 
keep pace with Mr. Choate. For it seems to us, that 
if politics have invaded the pulpits of New England, 



TEE MASTER MINDS ENGROSSED. Q\ 

the invasion has been strictly limited to matters of 
common morals. By the discussion of these, we should 
be very sorry to have Mr. Choate disturbed. 

April 2, 1859. 



UNIVERSITY WANTED, 



The foundation of a seat of learning, in which for 
many successive generations the youth of a nation 
may learn the Greek and Latin languages, with a 
sprinkling of Conic Sections, and a mild flavor of 
Campbell's Rhetoric, is a matter which occupied the 
minds of our fathers, and not seldom appeals to the 
pockets of us, their degenerate descendants, inasmuch 
as it is the fashion, upon all possible occasions, in all 
proper and improper spots, to found what is called a 
University, and to invite juvenile aspirants to enter 
for the purpose of induction, deduction and seduction, 
within its thrice-consecrated walls. We are, there- 
fore, not at all astonished to find The Louisiana 
Democrat declaring that the subject of " A Southern 
University" is now " engrossing the master-minds of 
the South," which means, of course, what it modestly 
declines to express, that it is universally engrossing 
the attention of the whole Southern intellect ; for all 
Southern minds are well known to be master minds. 
Harvard is to be rivaled, and Tale is to be knocked 
into a common hedge-school. " The South," says The 
Democrat^ " must establish a University where our 



62 THE ENVIO US NORTH. 

sons can drink deeply." We believe tliat they have 
not drunk sparingly in those institutions of learning 
already established ; but The Democrat does not al- 
lude to cock-tails and punches ; for when it speaks of 
" drinking deeply," it refers to " the pure streams of 
learning." In favor of that particular tipple The 
Democrat is arguing. 

" Where our sons," it goes on to say, " may drink 
deeply from the pure streams of learning, without 
imbibing the poisonous waters of bigotry and fanati- 
cism — where the high-toned, chivalrous youth of this 
sunny land can receive the highest collegiate degrees 
without submitting to the galling restraints forced 
upon them in Northern institutions, by men who are 
at variance with their principles, and envious of their 
beautiful, luxurious and wealthy home." 

Of course, it is necessary to have a college where 
there shall be no sunrise prayers and subsequent reci- 
tations ; where the Commons table shall be adorned 
by early turtle and late lamb ; where it is the pre- 
scribed privilege of Freshman and of Sophomore to 
pull the presidential nose, or to assault an offending 
tutor. It is a college in which every Freshman may 
be called to recitation by his private and personal 
Sambo, and may even employ a learned " nigger," if 
he can find one, to " coach" him through Euripides 
and Cicero. This is the college which is to knock 
into a sort of classical and mathematical Carthage, 
dear old Harvard and always respectable Yale, Dart- 
mouth, which produced Eufus Choate, and all other 
Northern seminaries whatever. No wonder The 



THE FILIAL POLLARD. 63 

Louisiana Democrat looks forward to such a founda- 
tion " with, pleasant emotions," and anticipates " a 
new impetus to the science, learning and literature of 
a great country." 

A Southern University ! What a pleasing notion ! 
How suggestive of exegesis, cumulative and conclu- 
sive, concerning Joseph, Abraham and Moses, Paul 
and Onesimus, illustrating the true significance of 
" doulos" and historically, critically and classically 
proving that " a nigger" is not a white man — a posi- 
tion which, considering that nobody has disputed it, 
our Southern philosophers seem to be over eager to 
establish — bursting upon us with rekindling ethno- 
logical light, and sweetly and sagely conducting us to 
a serene acquiescence in the sanctity of slaveholding ! 
This is what a Southern University would do ; this 
is why a Southern University should be established ; 
this is why our contribution to the scheme — one brass 
cent — may be had by any person bringing the proper 
certificate, upon call, at the counting-room of this 
Journal. 

April 22, 1859. 



MR, POLLARD'S "MAMMY." 

Theee are many instances of filial piety recorded, 
and very properly recorded, in history. The reader 
will please recall that which has most warmly touched 
his sensibilities, or most closely captivated his memory 
— of some Athenian son or Roman daughter, illustri- 



64 COMFORT FOE DB. ADAMS. 

ous for obedience or devotion — and when contempla- 
tion lias wanned him into an admiration of the An- 
cients and an inclination to depreciate the Moderns, 
we shall triumphantly bring forward Edward Pollard, 
of Washington, in the District of Columbia, Esq., as 
the champion, in this behalf, of the present day. Mr. 
Pollard has printed a pamphlet in defence of the 
proposition to re-open what may be most properly 
called the African Man-trade. Of Mr. Pollard's ar- 
guments in this production we cannot speak, for 
many reasons, the chief of which is that we have not 
seen them. But what Mr. Pollard may think of the 
slave-trade is of small consequence when compared 
with his filial devotion ; and the expression of that 
feeling we have seen, for it has been disintegrated, if 
we may say so, from the main work, and, in the highly 
respectable character of an Elegant Extract, is now 
making a fashionable tour through the newspapers. 

We trust that the Reverend Doctor Adams has 
seen this wandering small paragraph; that it has 
rendered moist his venerable eyes, and warmed the 
cockles of his ancient heart. For it appears that 
when Mr. Edward Pollard was a boy, his father had 
not merely the happiness to possess such a son, but in 
addition to this blessing in tunics, Mr. Edward Pol- 
lard's father — not to put too fine a point upon it — 
owned niggers. As Mr. Edward Pollard lives in 
Washington, and is therefore, prima facie, an impov- 
erished office-holder, the presumption is that the black 
diamonds are no longer retained as heir-looms in the 
Pollard family, but have been sold by papa Pollard, 



POLLARD V9 INFANT NURTURE. 65 

and sent to enjoy themselves upon the sugar-planta- 
tions, or to paddle and plash in the rice-swamps. 
Edward Pollard, Esq., has therefore the inestimable 
privilege of indulging in the Pleasures of Memory, 
and the way in which he does it is creditable to his 
heart. He sighs not for the stalwart field-hands, 
worth one thousand dollars apiece ; he mourns not 
for the yellow hand-maidens with taper waists and 
languishing eyes; he weeps not for the coachman 
who guided his father's chariot ; the laundress who 
got up his infant linen ; the cook who prepared the 
domestic hominy ; or the scullion who scrubbed the 
ancestral floor. 

From these treasures, worth, in the aggregate, a 
very handsome sum of money, Edward Pollard, Esq., 
turns to drop a tear upon the grave of his " mammy.' 5 
" Mammy" was Edward Pollard's nurse. From the 
sable heart of " mammy" he first drew his snowy sus- 
tenance. In the dark arms of " mammy" he tasted 
the titillation of his first dandle. From the black 
hand of " mammy" he received his initial corn-cake. 
Her voice chanted his vesper lullaby and summoned 
him to his matin ablutions. Mr. Pollard "confesses" 
— although, under the circumstances, we do not see 
the necessity of the qualification — that he is not 
ashamed of his affection for his " mammy." She died ; 
for all " mammies" — even the " mammy" of Mr. Pol- 
lard — were or are mortal. Then came her sepulchral 
honors. Wiping the copious tears from his eyes, Mr. 
Pollard informs us that "in his younger days" he 
made " little monuments over the grave of his mam 



66 POLL ABB 'S MA TUBE GBA TITUJDE. 

rny." How many he made lie does not inform us. 
What material he used, we are not told ; but we know 
that infant architects have a partiality for mud. 

And now Mr. Pollard, discarding the sentimental, 
waxes savage. Standing over the grave of his " mam- 
my," and suddenly getting angry without any appar- 
ent occasion, he cries : " Do you think I could ever 
have borne to see her consigned to the demon aboli- 
tionists ?" There is really no need of all this vehe- 
mence. We perfectly understand the case. We ap- 
preciate Mr. Pollard's feelings. We know that he 
could not have borne it. For who then would have 
ministered to his necessities ? Who would have 
darned his juvenile hose ? Who would have rocked 
his cradle ? Who would have " run to catch him 
when he fell, and kissed the place to make it well ?" 
And, moreover, had " the demon abolitionists" caught 
Mr. Pollard's " mammy," he is perfectly certain that 
they would have " consigned her lean, starved corpse 
to a pauper grave." From which we infer that 
in addition to the mud memorials heretofore men- 
tioned, as erected by Mr. Pollard, in the first gush of 
childhood's sorrow, he has since placed over the grave 
of " mammy" something very splendid in the way of 
a mausoleum. For, as we have already noticed, 
" mammy" is no more ; and Edward Pollard, Esq., 
to use his own most charming language, can u only 
look at her through the mist of long years." She died 
without the aid, assistance or cruel commerce of " the 
demon abolitionists," and Mr. Pollard, who appears 
to be an elderly gentleman, has to pay a washing-bill 



A Q UASI ORPHAN. 67 

every Saturday, and as he d — ns the laundress in re- 
spect of buttons, remembers " mammy 5 ' and conjures 
up the image of " the dear old slave." lie recalls 
how, when his " mother" scolded him, his " mammy" 
protected and humored him ; and seems, in his deso- 
lation to have come to the conclusion that this is 
rather a weary world. There appears to be nothing 
to do but to put Edward Pollard, Esq., out to nurse — 
dry-nurse or wet-nurse, according to circumstances — 
and to strive by every tender art to divert his mind 
from the distracting memory of the original " mam- 
my." Of all the poor white people in Washington, 
he seems to be in the lowest spirits — if we except Mr. 
James Buchanan. 

Whether the result of Mr. Edward Pollard's grief 
for his " mammy" will re-open the African Man-trade, 
is more than we can determine. The connection be- 
tween his bereavement and that branch of commerce 
we have been somewhat at a loss to discover. We 
have been able to conclude only that there now exists 
at the South a dearth of " mammies," and that Mr. 
Pollard, having felt through long years the want of 
that most useful article, seeks to replenish the market 
by the importation of what we may call the raw ma- 
terial. Left himself an orphan in respect of " mam- 
my," at a tender age, with his locks unkempt, with 
his face dirty, with his mouth pitifully gaping for 
gruel, and with his trousers torn, he looks forward to 
future Pollards — still, if we may use the figure, mere 
shrubs — in a like condition of emptiness and squalor. 
He seeks, like a true philanthropist, to provide for 



08 ECCLESIASTICAL TRADERS. 

their great want; and when the importation com- 
mences, "mammies 5 ' will, we suppose, be regularly 
quoted in the Prices Current. Meanwhile, Mr. Pol- 
lard's case must be attended to by the charitable. A 
pair of "mammies" — one for him and one for the 
White House — should be purchased at once by a 
subscription. 

May 18, 1859. 



A CHURCH GOING INTO BUSINESS. 

Yes, and such a business ! None of your vulgar 
huckstering ! your piddler-pedlery ! your small bar- 
ter of such insignificant commodities as rice, cotton, 
corn or tobacco ! Had the General Assembly of the 
Cumberland Presbyterian Church, which met at 
Evansyille, Indiana, on the 28th of May, a.d. 1859, 
speculated in steamboats, or sold plantations, or 
played bull or bear with dubious stocks, somebody 
might have protested against making God's house a 
house of merchandise ; but the Assembly, jealous of 
its dignity and emulous of ecclesiastical decorum, 
traded in nothing meaner than men, and thus pre- 
served from the scandal of a censorious world the 
respectability of Cumberland Christianity. This is 
more pleasing to the fastidious mind, because, as we 
perceive, a decent demeanor before the world is rigidly 
inculcated by the Cumberland creed, the professors 
of which were warned by the Moderator, just before 



THE LIGHTS OF THE WOULD. 69 

the adjournment, " to walk circumspectly before the 
community in which they were sojourning." This 
Mentor might, indeed, have used the spirited words 
of General Bombastes Furioso : "Adieu, brave army ! 
don't kick up a row." He did, indeed, with charm- 
ing modest} 7 , remind the General Assemblers, that 
they were " the light of the world," and he, we pre- 
sume, may be regarded in some sort, as a pair of 
snuffers, charged with the responsible duty of keep- 
ing the wicks clean from death's-heads and climbers. 
We suppose that his advice was heeded, and that the 
reverend members smoked their cigars and took their 
toddies discreetly ; for we do not hear of any of them 
in the calaboose — and now for the mercantile specu- 
lation of the Cumberland Church ! 

It seems that Brother Davis, late the Treasurer of 
the Assembly, is no more, he having yielded to the 
Great Extinguisher sometime ago. The Cumberland 
Christians could have borne their bereavement with 
tolerable equanimity, if Brother Davis, in the hurry 
of his departure, had not forgotten to settle his 
accounts, and had remembered to leave money 
enough behind him to discharge a balance against 
him. To speak plainly, although it is painful so to 
speak, Brother Davis died a defaulter ; and the Trus- 
tees, as became faithful stewards, forthwith took out 
that carnal weapon called a writ ; secured that 
worldly result, a judgment ; and, finally, obtained 
against Brother Davis's Administrator that persua- 
sive document styled an execution. But an execu- 
tion against a dead Treasurer, even of the Cumber- 



70 BROTHER DAVIS'S ESTATE. 

land Presbyterian Church, is of small value, unless 
the sheriff can find something satisfactory where- 
upon to levy. So that officer, casting about, discov- 
ered a small lot of " niggers " formerly the property 
of Brother Davis, which the Administrator had put 
out of his possession by some kind of hugger-mugger, 
but which he disgorged, so to speak, upon receiving 
a bond of indemnity. Then the General Assembly 
of the Cumberland Presbyterian Church went into 
market overt, with its little flock of niggers, and 
did, with many invocations, we suppose, of God's 
blessing on the transaction, dispose of the same at 
public vendue, and receive the consecrated cash 
therefor. 

The affair, however, is not yet comfortably settled. 
The Administrator threatens an action. The Widow 
Davis threatens another action. So that the pur- 
chase-money remains in the ark of the tabernacle, 
nor will it be safe for the Assembly to spend a dime 
of it until all manner of courts of common law and 
eke of equity, have passed a great variety of decrees, 
issued a large assortment of injunctions, received 
various verdicts, listened to many a long-drawn plead- 
ing and prosy argument, and increased the sheaf of 
rebutters and rejoinders, sur-rebutters and surrejoin- 
ders, to gigantic proportions ; and as these luxuries 
of the law are expensive, it is not improbable — we 
say it dolorously — that every individual " nigger " 
will be used up in fees, retainers and other costs, 
before the affair is terminated. 

And what then will become of the missionary work 



CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME. *j\ 

of the Cumberland Presbyterian Assembly ? For, 
be it known to the reader, that, when the Assembly 
had completed this small transaction, and run off its 
stock of human beings at tolerably high rates, it sol- 
emnly dedicated the net proceeds to the missionary 
cause. We do not know in w T hat particular part 
of the world it is proposed to oblige Heaven and 
favor Christianity, by the noble expenditure of this 
money ; but for once, we hope that the obdurate 
King of the Cannibal Islands will be left to his fate, 
and that the Cumberlander will remember that char- 
ity begins at home. As these fortunate " niggers " 
have been permitted, by the wisdom of the Cumber- 
land Church, to devote themselves to the work of 
extending the arena of the faith, they should at least 
have the chance of reaping some benefit, personally, 
from the transaction ; so that, when Kentucky has 
been thoroughly Christianized and converted, at their 
personal expense, they may receive, as the result of 
their devotion, fewer floggings and fuller fare. 

But, we ask with great deference, must it not be 
to each of these favored bondsmen a source of pure 
and proud satisfaction to know that, in the provi- 
dence of God, they, the lowly, the oppressed, and the 
degraded, have been permitted to become living sacri- 
fices upon the altar of the Cumberland faith ? When 
one of them shall see a new pine steeple glittering 
with fresh and radiant paint, as it shoots into the 
air, he may take off his hat, if he have one, and ex- 
claim : " That is my leg !" When a precious pente- 
costal season arrives, and the crop of Cumberland 



72 SELF-DEVOTION OF THE CHATTELS. 

Christians is fast ripening for a glorious harvest, how 
pleasing it will be for one of the Presbytery's negroes 
to cry : " Behold the work of these ten stubbed fin- 
gers and of these brawny arms ! I am Pan! and 
Apollos — behold the glorious increase which God 
has given !'- 

Here, then, is another evidence of the unnumbered 
blessings of Slavery ! Which one of all of us, fervid 
as may be our devotion, and tender as may be our 
sympathy with the benighted and gall-embittered 
world, will do for the Great Cause what these Ken- 
tucky negroes will do ? When the clinking boxes 
are going up and down the aisles, and with much 
fervor and noise we deposit our sixpences and shil- 
lings, we undoubtedly experience a thrill of satisfac- 
tion at our own generosity, and are much soothed by 
the calm approbation of our own consciences. But 
who of us would be willing to mount the auction 
block, and to listen to the " going, going," until we 
finally heard that we were " gone ?" Where is .the 
pious and portly pillar of some prosperous Cumber- 
land church who, as the doxology ended, would not 
feel uncomfortable upon being told that the mission- 
ary cause required his sale, incontinently, and that 
he must, instead of going home to the piping-hot 
joint and subsequent pudding, be disposed of to the 
highest bidder ? Would he not protest ? And if he 
should swear a little, do you think the Recording 
Angel would use indelible ink ? So selfish, so shrink- 
ing from self-devotion, so mindful of our own ease, 
so careless of the souls of our brethren, does this 



THEIR PERFECT RESIGNATION. 73 

pernicious freedom make us ! Whereas, we suppose 
that these poor negroes submitted to their fate with- 
out a murmur, and blessed the pious hands which 
felt their muscles and saw the light of Christian love 
in the eyes which examined their teeth. Some natu- 
ral tears, perhaps, they shed as they marched from 
home, or from all of home which they had possessed ; 
but a couple of prayers, or a hymn or two, made 
everything serene, and they submitted to their destiny 
with all the sweetness of religious resignation. 

But, as we have said, the final disposition of the 
sacred funds is yet uncertain. The Cumberland Gen- 
eral Assembly is holding on with faithful tenacity ; 
but the heirs of the defaulting Treasurer are still 
active. If, then, holy negroes should by and by learn 
that they have not so much benefited the church as 
the lawyers, the information may cost them a pang. 
We are afraid that they will be apt to consider them- 
selves wasted and squandered. If we ever hear of 
the end of this matter, we shall take the liberty of 
informing our readers. 

June 13, 1859. 



A NEW LAUGHING-STOCK. 

Eeally, the gods are good. If Pan is sometimes, 
as during the present season, a little niggardly, or 
red-eyed Mars unusually rampant, have we not always 
Mourns with us, and reason to bless the sensitive divin- 
4 



74 PUBLIC ENTERTAINMENT. 

ities that banished him from Olympus ? What an 
intolerable world this would be, if all the fools were 
out of it ! But we need not fear for the succession, 
while the sunny sections of this confederacy contin- 
ue to produce such a crop of choice ones, born to 
the motley. The last and finest fool who has Ten- 
dered here, is an ancient gentlemen from New Or- 
leans — a certain General Palfrey — who left Massa- 
chusetts half a century ago, and who came to Boston 
to celebrate the last Fourth of July. Had he but 
made his festive and anniversary visit sooner, he 
might have eaten dinner at the Revere House with 
the Hon. Benjamin F. Hallet, and filled himself at 
that peripatetic and perennial fountain of dish-water. 
Had he even given notice of his intention of visiting 
Boston, different arrangements might have been made. 
Unfortunately, his guide took him to the Music Hail. 
Unfortunately, Mr. George Sumner was the Orator 
of the Day. Unfortunately, Mr. George Sumner did 
not know that the New Orleans gentleman was in 
the house, and so missed the opportunity of gratify- 
ing an illustrious personage. Unfortunately, Mr. 
Sumner, instead of spouting in a safe and general 
way, after the old fashion, discussed freely and ear- 
nestly the Dred Scott decision, and did not speak in 
very affectionate terms of Mr. Chief Justice Taney. 
To this. General Palfrey was obliged to listen. His 
too officious friends had probably conducted him to 
a front seat, so that egress would have been difficult ; 
and pleased or displeased, he was compelled to stay. 
If Mr. George Sumner had been speaking in E"ew 



A PATRIARCH GRIEVED. 75 

Orleans, or even in Washington, the General might 
have silenced him by knocking him down ; but such 
an experiment, however sweet, safe and effectual else- 
where, would have been a perilous one in Boston. 
So the martial veteran was forced to keep quiet. 
We do not understand why he did not go into con- 
vulsions. His escape from apoplexy appears to us 
little short of miraculous. But he did escape, and 
the oration delivered, went clown to Faneuil Hall, 
with a sour stomach and a feeble appetite for his 
dinner. Here he masticated in grim wrath until 
somebody gave, as a toast, " Cotton Cloth," or " Cot- 
ton Culture, 55 or " Cotton Gins," or " Cotton Hats," 
or u Cotton Something," and the company called 
upon General Palfrey to respond. He arose. He 
pulled out the plug — if we may use the expression 
— and deluged the company with molten lava. He 
relieved himself. " He thought," says the report, 
" that it was rather hard to be invited to a celebra- 
tion for the purpose of hearing the laws of the United 
States trampled under foot.' 5 He considered Mr. 
Sumner's oration ill-timed, and " he was not afraid 
to say so. 55 Of course he was not afraid. He knew 
how perfectly safe he was in Boston. He knew that 
no tar-pot was bubbling in the neighborhood. He 
knew that the company would keep their feathers to 
sleep upon. He knew that no bludgeon would drum 
a retaliating tattoo upon his reverberating cranium. 
He knew that no committee would wait upon him 
and warn him to leave Boston within twelve hours, 
Of course he was not afraid. 



Y6 SO W IT MIGHT HA VE BEEF. 

But suppose that at a Fourth of July dinner in 
New Orleans, some ardent New Englander, having 
listened to a spicy and spasmodic attack upon his 
opinions, or to some concentrated sneer at the home 
of his love and honor, should dare to rise and to re- 
tort. Imagine the riot ! Picture the excitement ! 
Think of the glassy shower thickening around those 
fated brows ! What meetings would there be ! What 
ardent and active committees 1 What thunderous reso- 
lutions ! With what rapidity would the imprudent 
Norman be hurried from the dinner-table to the jail, 
and from the jail to the railway station ! Nay, the 
unfortunate offender might fare worse. His house 
might be ransacked and his shop plundered ; his fam- 
ily might be insulted, or might read in the morning 
papers that its head had been hung from a lamp-post, 
or that the pistol or the knife had done the work of 
the halter. 

Oh, it is all very well for some wandering patriarch, 
the owner of a score or two of black men, w r hen he 
comes within our borders, to assert and to exercise 
freedom of speech in a way which makes us very 
sick, if it does not make us very savage. We must 
sit and quietly listen while some inane babbler blas- 
phemes our religion, sneers at our policy, questions 
our patriotism, distorts our motives, and insults our 
common-sense. It has not occurred, thus far, to these 
tindery folks, that their blundering nonsense is as dis- 
agreeable to us, especially upon the Fourth of July, 
as the plainest Anti-Slavery discourse could possibly 
be to them. That is because we do not employ their 



THE PRIVILEGE OF IMBECILITY, 77 

own practical and unscrupulous method of protest. 
That is because, when we are insulted, we keep our 
tempers, and too often hold our tongues. 

We suppose that this singular lack of common 
courtesy, this disinclination to take what they are so 
willing to give, exhibited by Southern men frequently 
upon occasions in themselves insignificant, may be 
attributed to a certain brutality of intellect, to be 
observed also in some of the lower forms of animal 
life. The old gentleman who made such a distress- 
ing show of himself in Faneuil Hall is not to be 
despised, for he is a human being. Foolish and 
weak as he is, he is still " a man and a brother." 
If Providence has not bestowed upon him the ordin- 
ary intelligence of humanity, or if his opportunities 
have been so limited that he cannot deport himself 
decorously at a civilized dinner-party, we should re- 
gard this Thracian as we do the inmates of a lunatic 
asylum, or of a school for feeble-minded youth. ~No 
moral law commands us, however, not to laugh at him 
in our sleeves ; and if such law existed, it would not 
be respected. But we will be contented with a quiet 
giggle. When a bull-dog has lost all his teeth, he 
may growl as deeply as he pleases. When he has 
not lost his teeth ; when he can bite as well as snarl, 
and proposes to exercise the biting faculty upon our 
calves, it may not be amiss to brain him. But an 
ancient Tray, like General Palfrey, should be privi- 
leged to go through the whole gamut of growls, and, 
to vary the performance, if he pleases, by a solfeggio 
of snarls. 



78 THE GENERAL MOLLIFIED. 

This view of the matter seems to have been that 
of the Faneiiil Hall committee. General Palfrev 
was, after all, not angry enough to ran away without 
finishing his dinner — he was too old a dog for that 
— so that after the repast was over, and people were 
deserting the banquet-hall, a small sort of a lawyer 
got upon his legs and " proposed a toast compliment- 
ary to the General." Then somebody called for the 
inevitable three cheers. Then others shook the Gen- 
eral by the hand, so that he went back to his tavern 
quite mollified, and reassured that there was still a 
little dough left in Boston. We think that herein 
the more sagacious spirits of the company pursued 
a judicious course. Had General Palfrey ambled 
away in his wrath, nobody can tell how the trade of 
Boston might have suffered. And if there was policy 
in these little attentions, there was also humanity. 
This native of Boston was spared the pain of feeling 
that flunkeyism had altogether died out in the city 
of his nativity ; and he will return to his crescent 
home to tell his neighbors that while the public men 
of New England are hopeless traitors, the gentlemen 
who eat the public dinners are not bad fellows to 
break bread with after all. 

July 11, 1859. 



A RELIQXO US JO URNAL. 79 

A CUMBERLAND PRESBYTERIAN NEWSPAPER. 

We have recently printed in these columns several 
articles upon the newspaper press of the South and 
West, and have amused ourselves, if not our readers, 
by a little off-hand dissection of what may be prop- 
erly termed the morbid anatomy of journalism. We 
have observed in these sheets almost incredible igno- 
rance, and certain radical vices, which are more to 
be deplored than an innocent disregard of the rules 
of taste and of grammar. In the course of our re- 
searches, we are sorry to say that we have found the 
secular papers, in the cheap qualities of good nature, 
good sense and veracity, far in advance of those which 
are printed avowedly for the promotion of the Chris- 
tian religion ; and of all the sacred emissions which 
we have had the misfortune to notice, we think The 
St. Louis Observer to be the most curiously unen- 
lightened and the most miraculously illiterate. 

The Observer is the organ of the Cumberland 
Presbyterian Church— a considerable society, num- 
bering many professors in Kentucky, Indiana and 
Missouri. It was this Cumberland Presbyterian 
Church which, when its treasurer died a defaulter, 
sold his negroes upon an execution, and then voted 
the money to the cause of missions ! Upon this pious 
vendue The Tribune made a few comments which 
have not met with the approbation of The St. Louis 
Observer ', we are sorry to say ; which have, in fact, 
excited the choler of that meek and lowly publica- 
tion to a degree quite incompatible with coherence. 



80 THEY DIB SELL THEM. 

We find, indeed, in the rantipole observations of 
The Observer, no attempt at a denial, but an extenua- 
tion of the facts upon which our remarks were based. 
The " niggers " were sold : the church took the money : 
the church voted the cash to the missionary cause. 
"We should have been glad of a plain refutation of 
the whole tale, and should unquestionably have been 
gratified in this regard, if the facts had not been too 
patent to be concealed by the utmost prodigality of 
falsehood ; if the Rev. Milton Bird, (O musical 
name !) who is the editor of The Observer, had not 
known that mendacity would only make matters 
worse, by giving the children of sin and unrighteous- 
ness an opportunity of showing to an uncharitable 
world, that some Cumberland Presbyterians to the 
solace of man-selling join the luxury of lying. 

The Observer, leaving the matter of the man-ven- 
due as it was, we are at liberty and leisure to luxu- 
riate to fatness — if laughing will make one fat — upon 
the extraordinary literary performance of the Rev- 
erend Milton Bird, who is jealous of other birds, and 
declares, that our article was manufactured at the 
suggestion " of some buzzard about Evansville." The 
actual expression of the Eev. M. B. is coarser than 
this, but as we only print a secular newspaper, we 
cannot afford to be as free in our speech as a Cum- 
berland Presbyterian when he denounces what he 
calls "the intermeddling of ungodly men." 

The Peverend Bird, imprimis, remarks that this 
journal is " like an irritable hedge-hog rolled up the 
wrong way, and pierced by its own prickles." Good 



AN ANGB Y BIBD. 81 

— metaphorically and zoologically good ! It is then 
emphatically stated by the gentle Bird that "we 
deserve to be skinned with a hackle, and smeared 
with aqua-fortis." Probably. And yet it would be 
painful. We are thankful, therefore, when The Ob- 
server of St. Louis — we were at first fearful that 
Brother Bird would be here immediately with the 
necessary implement and fluid — we are thankful, we 
say, when The Observer had the goodness to observe : 
"But we forbear!" Only he doesn't forbear. He 
immediately calls somebody in Evansville, Ind., "a 
pole-cat." Also "a buzzard." Likewise "a cynic." 
And to conclude, " yellow-eyed." " A cynical pole- 
cat' crossed upon u a yellow-eyed buzzard," would 
produce a treasure indeed for a meandering me- 
nagerie. 

The Reverend Milton Bird, after these trifling in- 
dulgences in epithet, grows " 'umble" after the man- 
ner of Mr. Uriah Heep ; for, crooking the hinges of 
his knees, he expresses himself piously, as follows : 
" We trust in God to keep us humble, and give us a 
spirit of forbearance and kindness towards those who 
injure us." We say " Amen !" The Rev. Bird has 
evidently a very high idea, if not of the goodness, at 
least of the omnipotence of the Creator. Meanwhile, 
the humility not having arrived, the Bird continues 
to be slightly abusive and boldly figurative in its 
song;. We are told that The Indiana American and 
and The Tribune have " to the utmost of their bil- 
ious capacity, discharged the pent-up contents of 

their gorged livers." Excellent again ! We are get- 

4* 



82 A VITUPERATIVE SONGSTER. 

ting stronger and stronger ! All who do not see the 
propriety of supporting missions by selling " niggers," 
are declared to be " violent, bitter, selfish, and in a 
morbid, unbalanced, disordered state of mind," 
" pouring out slime, gall and vinegar " " But let us 
pray for our traducers and persecutors," says The 
Observer , suddenly changing its tone, " that they may 
repent of their sin and find forgiveness, and escape 
the doom of all liars (here the ferocity breaks out 
again), " who have their part in the lake that burn- 
etii with fire and brimstone." We do not object to 
being made the theme of good men's prayers, but if 
the Reverend Milton Bird will be kind enough not 
to pray for us, and if he will mention our wish to 
the other members of the Cumberland Presbyterian 
Church, we shall not only feel much obliged, but 
more comfortable. 

The Reverend Milton Bird then proceeds to com- 
municate to us the following information : " The 
Gospel wages no war on the external organism of 
society." Ah, indeed ! The Gospel wages no war 
then against crime in its manifold forms — no war 
against covetousness and greed — no war against the 
selfish policy of tyrants, whether crowned or mere 
whip-crackers and " nigger "-drivers — no war against 
brothels and gambling hells and grog-shops — no war 
against infidelity to marriage vows or the theft of 
woman's chastity — no war against that man who 
though cased in a legal panoply, treads under foot 
the widow and the orphan — no war against the world 
— no war against the flesh — only war against the ri- 



THE APOSTLE PA UL CITED. 83 

diculous "unwillingness of sundry reprobate human 
beings to join the Cumberland Presbyterian Church ! 
And the Rev. Milton Bird thinks that in this view 
of the duty of a church, he is sustained by the Apos- 
tle Paul ! We know that it is a vain wish, but would 
that we could see the Great Missionary to the Gen- 
tiles and the Reverend Milton Bird face to face for a 
few moments ! We can fancy the Saint of St. Louis 
opening his pocket-testament and airing a little text 
from Ephesians, another small scrap from Romans, 
another small scrap from Colossi ans, a fourth bit from 
Timothy and a morsel from Peter : but no mortal 
mind can conceive the terror of the rebuke which 
would cause the Reverend Milton Bird to howl with 
repentant anguish, and to request the favor of a small 
mountain to cover him. 

The audacity of such men as he is, must be an 
apology for the introduction of such an illustration. 
Poor praters, they know not of w T hat — coarse, unen- 
lightened gabblers of sublime teachings, very dear to 
the heart of humanity — polluting with the unsavory 
messes of social shame and sin the golden vessels of 
the altar — making the Father's house a house of 
merchandize and a den of thieves — encouraging 
mockery, exciting skepticism and confirming unbelief 
— narrow, without pity, and zealous, without brains ; 
there is nothing for it, but to leave them to the bit- 
ter laughter of the satirist and the unspeakable com- 
miseration of the wise. Grace may indeed supply 
the deficiencies of the mere intellect, while the heart 
remains tender ; but what grace can rescue him whose 



84 JUDGMENT OF THE DEPARTED. 

heart grows hard as his head grows soft, and who in- 
creases in selfishness as he decreases in intelligence ? 

July 25, 1859. 



NIL NISI BONUM. 

The old and amiable rule of speaking only with 
kindness of the dead, is one which, in this world of 
small comity, we have no wish to disregard ; although 
it is one the final violation of which is simply a ques- 
tion of time and the natural result of historic doubts. 
All character is dubious. There may be those who 
with perfect honesty do not admire Fenelon, and do 
admire Diderot or Yoltaire. Indeed, it is only when 
a human career is closed that we are in a position to 
estimate its value, purport and upshot. The public 
life of a public man is public property. We may not 
indecently hasten to draw his frailties from their 
drear abode ; but the mere fact that he has gone to 
that account to which indeed the meanest and most 
magnificent natures must go, certainly affords no au- 
thority for slandering the living. If the late Mr. 
Eufus Choate, while he succeeded as nisi prius law- 
yer, failed as a statesman, we do not know that this 
gives Mr. Edward Everett, who has also failed as a 
statesman, the right to stand in Faneuil Hall and to 
censure to the best of his not inconsiderable ability, 
those who have been more fortunate. Mr. Choate may 
"have had little fondness for political life, and no 
aptitude whatever for the out-door management, for 



QUERULOUS COMPLAINT. 85 

the electioneering legerdemain, for the wearisome 
correspondence with the local great men, and the 
heart-breaking drudgery of franking cart-loads of 
speeches and public documents to the four winds, 
which are necessary at the present day to great suc- 
cess in a political career. 55 " Still less," Mr. Everett 
went on to say, " was he adroit in turning to some 
personal advantage whatever topic happens to attract 
public attention — fishing with ever freshly-baited 
hook in the turbid waters of ephemeral popularity." 

If such language as this should fall from a young 
man just entering upon public life — from a young 
man hoping to be representative, or senator, or presi- 
dent — we might consider such an expression of opin- 
ion to be at once candid and courageous ; but com- 
ing from an old man — from one well versed in the 
arts which he denounces— the " electioneering leger- 
demain," " the wearisome correspondence with local 
great men," "the heart-breaking drudgery of frank- 
ing cart-loads of speeches and public documents " — 
from one who if he has not been " adroit in turning 
to personal advantage topics happening to attract 
public attention," has not been averse to the attempt 
— coming from such a man may not these opinions 
and their somewhat querulous expression be rather 
the result of disappointment than of any peculiar 
public purity. We do not know anybody who has 
written more " letters to local great men " than Mr. 
Everett, and some of these which we have seen. were 
so full of feeble complaint that they would ill bear 
publication. We do not know anybody, who in his 



86 EACH IW HIS PLACE. 

day was more willing to improve topics " happening 
to attract public attention.' 5 

Everybody will remember that when filibustering 
" happened " to be in fashion, Mr. Everett was a fine 
fillibuster. Everybody who^ heard it will remember 
the Plymouth speech, in which Mr. Everett declared 
that " the work must go on," by which he meant, 
that the " manifest destiny " of the United States was 
to conquer and annex the kingdoms and republics of 
South America. Everybody who ever heard of it, 
will remember how Mr. Everett subscribed for the 
Sumner testimonial, and how he afterwards attrib- 
uted the indiscretion to illness. Surely no gentleman 
whose personal history is crowded with incidents like 
these, is in a position to sneer at " the distinguished 
active statesmen of the day." l^or did the memory 
of Mr. Choate require any such apology. A lawyer 
in great practice, exceedingly devoted to his profes- 
sion, and relying upon its emoluments to meet a per- 
sonal expenditure which was always large and fre- 
quently improvident, he preferred to give his time 
snatched from the duties of the bar to liberal studies, 
or to the preparation of " discourses on academic oc- 
casions." And because he did so, and trusted to the 
wise instincts of his nature — because he knew him- 
self, as others knew him, to be in place rather in the 
court-room, than in the senate-chamber — it does not 
follow that other men with a more positive taste and 
talent for public employment, were either his moral 
or his intellectual inferiors. 

Moreover, if his political aspirations had been never 



MB. CHOATE' 8 PECULIAR POLITICS, 87 

so ardent, he entertained fatal opinions, which in the 
heat and hurry of his speech he continually betrayed. 
If he cared for any democracy, it was the old democ- 
racy of Athens. If he believed in any constitution, 
it was in the unwritten constitution of Great Britain. 
lie sneered at the Declaration of Independence. He 
girded and jibed at the most limited alliance between 
humanity and politics. Slavery is the surest touch- 
stone of political character at the present time, and 
the test was fatal to Mr. Choate. He thought to be 
enslaved was the best for the blacks, and that to en- 
slave them was the best for the whites. The people 
of Massachusetts were not of his mind ; but we will 
do him the justice to say, that for the opinion of the 
people of Massachusetts he cared very little. There 
was an inherent love of paradox in his nature, which 
a long practice in the courts did not, of course, dimin- 
ish. Clear-headed men were not deceived by the ful- 
mination or the fulgidities of his rhetoric. He was 
careless of personal consequences, and would at any 
time risk success for the sake of startling. In avoiding 
political duties or in unfitting himself to discharge 
them — in suffering himself to drift into the turbid 
and alien waters of sham-democracv — in seeking 
with scoffs and sneers to silence the discussion of 
great questions — in timidly avoiding the conflict 
when danger was at its height, Mr. Choate did noth- 
ing worthy of imitation or eulogy. 

"We are not permitted to avoid the duty of saying 
all this thus plainly, but the responsibility of any 
pain which we may give to any honest admirer of 



88 A DANGEROUS EXAMPLE. 

Mr. Choate, must be borne by bis Faneuil Hall Eu- 
logist. It is better tbat we and those who are of our 
mind should be thought harsh or unfeeling, than that 
the young men of America should be made to believe 
that this life which has now closed affords them the 
best example — that the syren sentences of Mr. Everett 
should mislead them from the path of public duty — 
that his example and his words should beguile them 
into an avoidance of their political responsibilities, into 
a contempt for the theories, or an admiration for the 
general practice of our government ; into lives se- 
cluded, sybaritical, and proudly, boastingly shallow 
and useless. The times are full of great occasions, 
and suggest great duties to the sinewy and courage- 
ous nature. We can spare something of scholarship, 
something of intellectual elegance, something of fas- 
tidious taste ; but too many noble minds have already 
been smitten, too many lives once full of promise have 
been wasted ; our short history already records too 
many tragedies for the sensitive, and too many come- 
dies even for the most inveterate satirist. 

July 29, 1859. 



TWO TOMB-STONES. 



As a general rule, human beings in selecting the re- 
wards of their own labor prefer cash to tomb-stones 
— a fact which Mr. Thomas Moore noticed in his 
monody on the death of Sheridan. If a master me- 



MONEY BETTER THAN MONUMENTS. 89 

chanic should assemble his journeymen-carpenters, 
and should say to them : " My dear fellows and de- 
voted friends ! I have noticed the extreme vigor with 
which you plane and the splendor of your sawing, 
and how charmingly you* hit the nails on their heads. 
I shall not insult you by offering you money, which 
you would only foolishly squander if I should give it 
to you ; but I have determined, if you will only work 
for me during your natural lives, and work well and 
not grumble, to give to each of you the prettiest 
grave-stone in the world, with the most flattering in- 
scriptions setting forth your many virtues, and par- 
ticularly how you cheerfully worked for me without 
making any charge therefor. All of which, I doubt 
not, will be satisfactory to your ingenuous minds." 
Our own impression is that the famous hammerers 
and dexterous sawyers would decline the offer as one 
unsuited to their modest taste. 

At the South, however, and under the beautiful 
influences of the institution, it seems to be different 
— a grave-stone being the great object of life with 
the faithful African. At least such appears to be 
the opinion of The Fayetteville (N. C.) Observer. The 
editor of that newspaper recently had occasion to go 
into a grave-yard, doubtless for purposes of moral re- 
flection and philosophical study, and while there he 
actually discovered in the corner allotted to slaves, 
"two marble tomb-stones." "What proportion these 
"two" monumental wonders bore to the undistin- 
guished resting-places of less fortunate chattels, we 
are not told ; but they so attracted the attention of 



90 " MY YfN GOOD L UOY. " 

this able editor, that lie immediately went home and 
wrote a leading-article on the subject, headed, u What 
is African Slavery ?" He seems to haye come to the 
sage conclusion, that whereas the system allows an 
occasional grave-stone to a departed slave, it is alto- 
gether a beautiful system, to be sustained by the 
united intellectual, moral and political energies of 
the Republic. He writes, evidently, upon the pre- 
sumption that free negroes never have their mortal 
lives cheered by the prospect of monuments after 
death, and that they must therefore be unhappy — a 
grave-stone being the one thing worth living for, or 
rather worth dying for. His dilations upon these 
points are charmingly humane and sympathetic. 

Tomb-stone ]STo. 1 was erected " by the mistress of 
the family over the remains of a most valuable serv- 
ant and friend, and it bore the inscription, " My Own 
Good Lucy." There is consideration, there is loving 
requital for you ! Twenty, perhaps thirty, it may 
have been fifty years of chamber-work or of kitchen- 
work, of dress-making or of hair-dressing, of daily 
obedience and of hourly devotion ; and when the 
wearisome toil is over, and the faithful feet can no 
longer come at call, and the loyal hands can no longer 
minister, all this service is repaid by a place in the 
back settlements of the cemetery, and an epitaph of 
the Lydia Languish description ! Ample reward ! 
"Who would not have been " My Own Good Lucy, 3 ' 
" most valuable " (say $1,000) before death, and so 
sincerely (we have no doubt) lamented afterwards. 
There has been nothing like it since Byron gave 



"MARK TEE PERFECT MAN:' 91 

his dog a monument at Newstead. "So wonder the 
Fayetteville man did write his touching article to let 
a weeping world know all about "My Own Good 
Lucy." 

Tomb-stone No. 2 was inscribed : " Uncle Harry. 
Mark the Perfect Man !" Now, we are at a loss to 
decide what this inscription means. Does it refer to 
"Uncle Harry" physically ? Was he what a dealer 
would pronounce " sound " and Al for the New Or- 
leans market ? We suppose not, for he is spoken of 
by The Observer as " an old man." He was a Bap- 
tist. He could read his Bible, and he did read it. 
It is also mentioned that his wife was " an excellent 
cook " — a remarkable combination of merits in " one 
lot !" Whether " the excellent cook," if dead, has a 
grave-stone, or, if living, a fair prospect of that orna- 
mental remembrance to solace her stewing and boil- 
ing labors, we are not informed. 

Such stuff as this The Fayetteville (N". C.) Observer 
prints is always caught up by the dough press, and 
especially by the dough-religious press, and is pa- 
raded ostentatiously as if it really meant something. 
So far as it goes towards proving anything touching 
the slave system, its good influence upon the master, 
its justice to the slave, its information is worse than 
useless, for it deludes some honest, well-meaning and 
weak people out of the common sense with which the 
institution should be considered. Nobody says that 
there are not benevolent masters. Nobody says that 
there are not contented slaves. Nobody says that 
there are not individual cases in which the relation 



92 VIRGINIA CROAKING. 

is a happy one. But nobody upon the authority of 
these isolated instances, appealing to sensibility rath- 
er than sense, should judge of a system which must 
be theoretically bad, and is known to be bad in 
practice. 

September 1, 1859. 



THE PERILS OF PEDAGOGY. 

Mr. Croaker, in a chronic condition of alarm, lends 
to one of Goldsmith's comedies much of its vivacity 
and mirth ; and the dreadful fright of a certain Mr. 
Matthews, member of the Yirginia Legislature, is 
comic enough to temper the austerities of the recent 
tragedy. We knew that John Brown would be a 
name wherewithal to conjure several generations of 
undutiful infants into obedience at bed-time, just as it 
has jostled children of larger growth into unwinking 
watchfulness, and scared the Commander of the Crus- 
tacea into unoyster-like volubility. The fearful fore- 
bodings of our Yirginian friends do not surprise us. 
It is perfectly natural for them to dread the sponta- 
neous combustion of The Tribune in their post-offices 
— the explosion of infernal machines in their cellars 
— poison in the kitchen, or rifle-balls flying through 
the drawing-room windows. Sir Boyle Roche re- 
garded it as one of the principal perils of the Irish 
Rebellion that gentlemen might any morning awake 
with their throats cut ; and the apprehensions of the 



MB. MATTHEWS' MEDICINE. 93 

Virginian chevaliers — not to mention particularly 
those of their wives — must be inconsistent with balmy 
and restorative slumber. Under such perilous cir- 
cumstances, no vigilance, however suspicions, can be 
thought untimely ; nor is it strange, while others are 
fearful of death in the pot, that the Hon. Mr. Mat- 
thews should fear death in the primer. Such, it ap- 
pears, is precisely the nature of his apprehension. He 
dreads not only IsTew Englanders, but the gifts they 
bring with them ; he distrusts alike their reading- 
books and their rifles ; their spelling-books and their 
swords; their penmanship and their pistols. The 
Hon. Mr. Matthews, having directed his mind to the 
philosophy of education, has discovered that there is 
a constitutional as well as an unconstitutional way of 
teaching the mystery of " a, b, ab ;" that rebellion 
may be fomented by the words which signify to be, 
to do, or to suffer ; and that fire and slaughter may 
lurk in the Rule of Three. So the Hon. Mr. Mat- 
thews, no doubt after profound and unutterable pon- 
dering, has offered in the Virginia Legislature a 
Resolution— -a startling Resolution — a very remarka- 
ble Resolution. Here it is : 

"Resolved, That the Committee of Schools and 
Colleges inquire into the expediency of reporting a 
bill, prohibiting School Commissioners throughout the 
Commonwealth from subscribing to any teacher, male 
or female, who hails from the North of Mason and 
Dixon's line, unless they shall have resided in the 
State of Virginia for at least ten successive years 
previous." 



94: STRANGE NEGLECT. 

The fact that Mr. Matthews should consider such 
a motion as this necessary to the salvation of the 
State, would seem to show that Northern teachers, 
whether male or female of sex, are rather a formida- 
ble body in Yirginia. May we be permitted, without 
violating any moral, political or religious law, to ask, 
humbly, of course, and only honestly seeking infor- 
mation, how it has happened that Virginia, having 
children to teach, has fallen into the egregious error 
of sending abroad for teachers ? "Why have not na- 
tive acquirements been respected ? Why have native 
talents been left unemployed ? Why has the infant 
population of that enlightened State been committed 
to the tender mercies of Yankee school-marms ? Why 
has she permitted the unholy hands of " servile" New 
England pedagogues to box the ears of her children, 
or to apply the tingling birch to the tenderer portions 
of their constitutions? While protecting bivalves, 
why has the Governor of that State neglected her 
boys ? What is a steam-packet running to France in 
comparison with well-educated girls ? Was ever such 
fatuity ? Where were the native, well-born, orthodox 
teachers " hailing from south of Mason and Dixon's 
line' 5 -— good, safe, responsible guides in petticoats or 
pantaloons, with sound Constitutional principles and 
proper views of the Christian religion ? 

We have heretofore thought that a demand in the 
market indicated a dearth. But Gov. Wise knows 
better the resources of his State than we do. He 
knows that it is needless for Virginia to send to the 
North for gifted persons to teach the steps of a quad- 



THE BLISS OF IGNORANCE. 95 

rille, the value of a semi-breve, the art of embroider- 
ing, or the mysteries of water-colors. He is a mirac- 
ulous arithmetician, but he has fellow-citizens who 
can cipher as well as he. Does he absorb ail the 
grammatical knowledge of the State ? And if he can 
so bravely brandish that celebrated weapon, known 
as the Sword of Virginia, has he not fellow-citizens 
capable of flourishing the instrument of flagellation, 
and of long experience in the art of chastisement ? 
But perhaps we do not do justice to the Honorable 
Matthews and the Honorable Wise. We ought cer- 
tainly to take into consideration the recorded opinion 
of the philosopher last named. He has made innu- 
merable discoveries ; and one of them, we believe, is 
the vanity of all human knowledge. He is dubious 
in respect of reading, and he regards writing with 
distrust. In that Public School System which others 
have weakly respected as the safe-guard of society, he 
sees only danger to the Republic. He despises books. 
He loathes newspapers. He believes in good, safe, 
sound, substantial ignorance, with the same fervor 
with which less enlightened men have regarded hu- 
man knowledge. He sees in human culture only 
human misery. He is the legitimate successor of 
Mr. John Cade. 

Isow there may be those who look upon these opin- 
ions of Gov. Wise with horror or contempt ; but he 
shall not lack in these columns defense, or at least 
extenuation. He is, we confess, our model slave- 
holder. If Slavery is to be perpetuated — if God, the 
Bible, the laws^ public policy, political economy, all 



96 THE BEA UTY OF CONSTANCY. 

demand its continuance — then ignorance, no matter 
how dark or how deep it may be, is bliss, and wis- 
dom is folly. Why should a man-owner be well- 
educated ? Will mental cultivation make him a bet- 
ter driver, a better breeder, a better bargainer when 
he has occasion to sell women or to buy men ? Why 
should he industriously acquire a refinement which 
will unfit him for the sterner duties of his daily 
life? 

A man may be a capital task-master — an adept in 
flogging, and a connoisseur in pickling, without being 
a Bachelor of Arts. A mistress in Yirginia, although 
she may be incapable of mental exertion, may thank 
fortune for her imbecility, for she can bear with pa- 
tience wrongs and falsehood which would drive a 
cultivated woman to insanity. There is a certain 
redeeming fascination even in a consistency of crimes. 
If we were in Yirginia, compelled to witness every 
hour the crowding evidences of human folly — the le- 
galized negation of all that rescues our common na- 
ture from contempt — the ambition to win all things 
without the resolution to win them by earnest effort 
— the folly which supposes that violent passions have 
power to repeal the laws of nature — wo would ask 
of Providence if by no miracle wrong could be reme- 
died and right established, that we might partake of 
the besotted destiny of our neighbors, and might for- 
get forever that we were not made like the beasts that 
perish. To this condition Gov. Wise would reduce 
his fellow-creatures, black and white, in Virginia. 
He is right. If black men are to remain beasts^ it 



A NEW MISSIONARY. 97 

must be upon the condition that white men shall share 
the bestiality. 

January 10, 1860. 



JOSIAH'S JAUNT. 



Various forms of polite invitation are upon record, 
such as, " Will you come to the bower I have shaded 
for you ?" " "Will you walk into my parlor ?" as the 
spider said to the fly. " Will you come and take tea 
in the arbor ?" etc., etc. Another matter of momen- 
tous importance, to be discussed and decided only in 
full family Sanhedrim, is whether the Smiths shall 
be asked and the Browns shut mercilessly out. But 
it is a still more solemn affair when a Sovereign State 
wishes to give a party, to determine upon the choicest 
and most enticing formulas of bidding, as well as the 
particular guests to be bidden ; and we cannot, there- 
fore, pretend to estimate the gratitude which Massa- 
chusetts should feel for Mr. Josiah Perham, who may 
be called the Brown of International Yisiting, and 
whose exploits in the department of public festivity 
are worthy of this particular mention. Three ideas, 
it would appear, have entered the brain of Josiah, 
viz. : 

1. Massachusetts and Virginia are not upon thee- 
and-thou terms ; 2. If Virginia would but pay Mas- 
sachusetts a visit, partake of her comestibles, and her 
potables, and listen to the chief orators and brass 
bands of Boston, a return of ancient good feeling 
5 



98 WILL TO U TAKE TEA ? 

might be reasonably anticipated ; 3. I, Josiali Per- 
ham, am just the gentleman to engineer this exceed- 
ingly delicate business. Whereupon, Josiah kindly 
desiring to save all possible trouble, resolved himself 
to be 5 pro hac vice, the Commonwealth of Massachu- 
setts, and accordingly wrote a polite billet to the 
Hon. John Letcher, Governor of Virginia, inviting 
the principal inhabitants of that State, the Repre- 
sentatives, the Hangmen and other public servants, 
to come immediately to Boston, to join in a grand 
Constitutional Jubilee. Nothing could exceed in 
delicacy the terms of this missive. Knowing the 
depleted condition of the general Virginia purse — 
not as yet distended by the much-desired-but-not-as- 
yet-built European-and-Old-Dominion steamers — Jo- 
siah, in his note to Governor Letcher, considerately 
promised to send " free tickets for all, or nearly all, 
the journey from Richmond to Boston," leaving the 
gratuitous cock-tails and juleps to the care of the 
Mayor of Boston, after the arrival of the way-worn 
and thirsty pilgrims. In this amiable letter, the en- 
terprising Josiah dwelt in an eloquent way upon a 
variety of topics, and notably upon the warm friend- 
ship of the " sage of Monticello " (meaning Thomas 
Jefferson) for the " sage of Quincy " (meaning John 
Adams). Wherefore, in order that "common friend- 
ship may be made strong and mutual confidence 
greatly increased," Josiah mentions the fact of the 
" free tickets, 5 ' and reiterates seductively his request : 
" Will you come and take tea in the arbor ?" 
Now, when this polite summons, so festively differ- 



no. 99 

ent from the subpoenas which Virginia is wont to 
send to Massachusetts, was received by the Hon. 
John Letcher, he seems to have been either fright- 
ened or delighted ; for he instantly sent a special 
message to the Legislature, communicating to them 
the communication of Josiah, which was treated with 
due respect, being first laid upon the table and then 
ordered to be printed. The private note of Perham 
thus rose at once to the dignity of a full-fledged Pub- 
lic Document, and as such will occupy a prominent 
place in all future histories of Virginia. The ages 
will know that there was a Josiah — that he was 
hospitable — that he asked Virginia to take tea in 
Boston, and, alas ! that Virginia would not come, 
and did not even send her decent regrets. At this 
moment, to speak metaphorically, Josiah's great 
Union tea-pot is remarkably cold and his arbor dis- 
mantled. 

Before concluding to come to tea, the sages of Vir- 
ginia waited for the opinion of that arbiter of all 
elegant things, the Editor of The Petersburg (Va.) 
Express, who, after due pondering, has decided that 
until Massachusetts shall have repealed sundry laws 
" hostile to the South," Virginia will not drink a 
Massachusetts cock-tail, will not eat a Massachusetts 
dinner, will not sleep between Massachusetts sheets. 
Undoubtedly a stunner for Perham ! Virginia is not 
to be " honey-fuggied " even by free tickets. For the 
present, the benevolent Josiah is floored ; but, full as 
we are of sympathy for Perham, in a condition of 
languishing disconsolation, with his lights fled, and 



100 HAPPY FAMILIES. 

his garlands dead, and his banquet-hall deserted, we 
advise him to proceed, as fast as his emotions will 
permit, to the Massachusetts State House, then and 
there to request of Senators and Representatives the 
immediate repeal of all " legislation hostile to the 
South," in order that his tea-party may " come off." 
In this way more than one bird will be slain by 
Josiah's missile. The Union will be cemented ; 
agitation will cease ; Governor Letcher will fold to 
his manly bosom Governor Banks ; the brass-bands 
will blow ; the flags will flutter ; the gifted talkers 
of either State will be relieved of their verbal drop- 
sies, and all will go considerably more merry than 
any number of marriage bells, while brethren united, 
like birds in their little nests, with many tears of 
joy, will bless the name of Josiah, surnamed Per- 
ham, the Dispenser of Free Tickets and Peace- 
Maker-General to the States of Massachusetts and 
Virginia ! 

And yet will Josiah permit us to whisper to him 
a word of caution ? He is, no doubt, a veteran show- 
man, and may in his day have domesticated in a 
single cage a Happy Family of cats, rats, owls and 
rabbits. He may rely upon his long experience, but 
has he seriously considered the consequences of his 
proposed re-union ? We will imagine Virginia ar- 
rived, washed, dressed, cock-tailed, and breakfasted. 
We will imagine Mr. Perham marching the illus- 
trious consignment of Free Ticketers to the Com- 
mon. Can he then be sure of his animals ? Suppose 
Governor Banks, in saluting the Pei'ham pilgrims, 



J. P. IS SNUBBED. 101 

should say something tmpleasing to the Southern 
ear ? Is Josiah sure that his jolly visitors would 
not lapse into their orginal savagery ? Would not 
snap their revolvers, flourish their bowie-knives, and 
swing stalwartly their sticks ? Josiah would not cer- 
tainly feel good if a battle-royal should ensue. What 
would he do with the dead bodies of his Virginians, 
particularly if the Directors of the Railways should 
raise technical objections to Free Corpses ? Of course 
the State of Virginia would not permit her gallant 
dead to be quietly interred in Yankee soil. Of course 
the remains would be sent for ; and, of course, Josiah, 
as the instigator of the fatal fray, would be called 
upon to foot the bill. What a doleful termination 
of the Josiah- Jubilee ! 

We notice that last week the Massachusetts House 
of Representatives considered Mr. Perham's gratui- 
tous public services, and did not very highly approve 
the same, being undoubtedly of the opinion that it 
could do its own inviting without outside assistance. 
Josiah, like most public benefactors, was scurvily 
treated. One Haskell thought Perham " a fool." 
One Shaw insisted that he was a " nuisance. 5 ' Upon 
this a lively debate ensued, but the question of " fool " 
or " nuisance " was not put to the House. It seemed 
to be agreed that he was either the one or the other ; 
and, whether brainless or a bore, we can easily under- 
stand why the Virginia Legislature — not the Massa- 
chusetts — treated his invitation with a certain degree 
of respect. 

February 21, 1860. 



102 SCRAMBLES OF THE BIOGRAPHERS. 
A BIOGRAPHICAL BATTLE. 

If poor Mr. Choate could rise this morning from the 
dead — and many of his admirers believe that he is re- 
strained from returning rather by lack of inclination 
than lack of power — he would find an exceedingly 
inky battle raging over what would have been his 
remains if he had not arisen. But Mr. Choate un- 
doubtedly expected to have his life taken after he left 
it ; for it is the fate of all great men to be picked up 
at last by hungry biographers, who pacify their appe- 
tites as soon after the lamented demise as possible, 
and then provide for themselves annuities by the ex- 
hibition of the skeleton. That there should be jeal- 
ousies in the distribution of the net proceeds of any- 
body's death, is as natural as it would be to find a 
company of hyenas making a division of their game 
without regard to Christian principles or Chesterfield- 
ian good manners. When Dr. Johnson had given his 
valedictory roar, how many rushed forward to ear- 
mark the body — Hawkins, Mrs. Reynolds, Boswell, 
Mrs. Piozzi ! What a scrambling there was, what a 
scene of anecdote-snatching ! How everybody claimed 
to have been robbed by everybody else of priceless 
stories and of invaluable reminiscences ! It rained 
pamphlets, and the air was thick with recriminations. 
That Dr. Johnson did not walk upon such provoca- 
tives, goes far to invalidate his own doctrine of 
ghosts ; for, with his good will, we do not believe 
that Boswell would have been permitted upon a sin- 
gle occasion again to get comfortably drunk, or tho 



A REMINISCENT COLONEL. 103 

Thrale to forget her departed brevier in the arms of 
her Italian fiddler. Still, there were reasonable ex- 
tenuations of the biographical mania then, and such 
are not wanting in the case to be presently consid- 
ered. 

In these matters of life and death, the biographer 
who is active enough to be the first in the market, 
will dispose of a dozen editions before those of less 
alacrity have printed their initial chapters. The 
Reminiscences of Choate, pnt out by Colonel Edward 
G. Parker, have, among other merits, that of novel- 
ty ; and although they have not escaped censure in 
critical circles, they are entertaining. But Colonel 
Parker is in trouble. He is censured by The Atlan- 
tic Monthly * he is cut up by The (London) Satur- 
day Review / he is rebuked by Mr. Joseph Bell, who 
has Mr. Choate's memory in his special keeping ; and 
he is treated by The Boston Courier very much as 
Captain Lemuel Gulliver was by the first Yahoos 
whose acquaintance he had the pain of making. Un- 
less Colonel Parker — who is not of the Regular 
Army, but in the Militia Service of Massachusetts — 
shall make a great deal of money by the sale of his 
publication, he will wish that he had fallen upon his 
own sword, before venturing into the battle of print. 
The " family " is dreadfully angry. To speak indi- 
vidually, Mr. Joseph Bell is disgusted, and has writ- 
ten a special epistle to The Courier informing the 
world of that fact. Colonel Parker's poor little book 
is declared to be " an outrage on the living and the 
dead." Colonel Parker has already retorted upon 



104 A STRUGGLE FOR A LIFE. 

" the family " and The Courier, and, in time, if they 
have not done so already, "the family" and The 
Courier will retort upon Colonel Parker. With a 
reasonable economy of ample materials, we see no 
ground for believing that this controversy will be 
terminated during the lives of the parties, and it 
may, being a family matter, as well as a matter of 
money, be continued by their heirs, executors and 
administrators. 

Meanwhile, the Life of Mr. Choate appears to be 
of proprietorship as doubtful as that of vulcanized 
rubber, out of the harassing uncertainties of which 
Mr. Choate, when alive, made a snug sum enough in 
the courts. Only one thing is certain. We are ex- 
horted " to wait and get the best ;" to reserve our 
money and minds for the genuine Family Biography 
which is now in course of preparation ; and to exert 
as much shrewdness and caution in possessing our- 
selves of the real article, as if we were purchasing the 
Macassar Oil or the Aromatic Scheidam Schnapps. 
We have had a tolerable experience of advertising 
expedients in our day, but we confess that we have 
observed nothing neater than this. The Duello of 
the Dictionaries is child's play compared with it. 

In the meantime, while suffering ourselves to be 
entertained by Colonel Parker's "Reminiscences," 
we await with impatience the Family Biography. 
Everybody knows what a capital character a man re- 
ceives when his relatives write his life. We antici- 
pate nothing less than the portliest of folios, unspeak- 
ably dignified from title-page to colophon — a grave 



THE FAMILY CHOATE. 105 

and stately narrative — a story heroical, of which, the 
central figure will be Mr. Choate, more like Jupiter 
Amnion than a member of the Suffolk Bar. The 
family is right. Pray what does the world want of 
Mr. Choate in his shirt-sleeves ? Of Mr. Choate 
laughing, chatting, cracking jokes ? of Mr. Choate 
careless of money, of appearances, and of his chir- 
ography ? of Mr. Choate in his character of human 
being, fond of the same food and drink which nour- 
ish and cheer ordinary creatures ? The real Family 
Choate will be of incomputable altitude, with a voice 
like Olympian thunder, and an eye of flame divine. 
The eloquence of the real Family Choate will be 
more than Demosthenean, Ciceronian, Burkean. The 
law learning of the real Family Choate will surpass 
that of Pothier, Eldon, Story and Shaw, C. J. The 
classical learning of the real Family Choate will rival 
that of Porson and Dacier, of Bentley and Parr. 
The piety of the real Family Choate will be some- 
thing approximating to the apostolic. With every 
virtue, and without a fault, he will be placed in the 
Biographic Pantheon which is so inexpressibly digni- 
fied and so portentously dull. 

Now, speaking simply for ourselves, and with no 
wish to interfere with the family arrangements, we 
must say that we have never found such biographies 
too edifying. We like Clio well enough, in a home- 
spun gown, writing with a plain, honest goose-quill, 
of human lives and of earthly achievements. In our 
estimate of a public man, we do not deem it advisa- 
ble to begin by taking it for granted that he was of 
5* 



106 TRUTH WANTED. 

perfect character. The world thinks as we think, 
and has always thought so. It does not care to have 
its heroes always in full dress. "Writers of biogra- 
phy haye too often befooled mankind — have too often 
given us some sublime creation of their own fancies, 
something painfully virtuous, something 

" Too bright and good 



For human nature's daily food." 

Mr. Choate's biography may not be worth writing at 
all, for his life was not an important one to man- 
kind ; but if we were to elect his biographer in view 
of our own entertainment and instruction, we should 
vote not for the family, but for Colonel Parker. 

March 17, 1860. 



MR. BANCROFT ON THE DECLARATION OF INDE- 
PENDENCE. 

Ms. Eufus Choate, deceased, has left upon record 
his opinion, that the ethics of the Declaration of Inde- 
pendence are merely " glittering generalities." Mr. 
Caleb Cushing, muzzy and mazy as he is, in thought 
and expression, has contrived to assert, with tolerable 
clearness, that in his opinion " all men are not born 
free and equal." Mr. Charles O'Connor is of the 
same mind. So in his day was Mr. John C. Calhoun. 
Of course there is nothing to be astonished at in this 
resort to arrogant paradox. These gentlemen, living 
or dead, having determined beforehand to defend a 



THE DOCTRINES OF THE DECLARATION 107 

bad system, could begin the work in no other way 
than by ignoring the axioms of the Revolution. Not 
until the broad humanity of the Declaration had been 
explained, philosophized and sophisticated to mere 
nothingness, or to something sadder, were these trai- 
tors to universal humanity able to repeat, without 
blushing, sentiments too revolting to be suddenly and 
nakedly promulgated. Their dismal conclusions, 
which dogmatically forbid all hope of the equality of 
man, In view of any human government, will here- 
after be read with wonder, and are too signal a de- 
parture from the traditions of the Republic to be 
presently or speedily forgotten. Their most natural 
refutation is to be found in the steady, the intuitive 
convictions of the American mind. 

The doctrines of the Declaration of Independence 
are not to be comprehended in all their beauty and 
sublimity by the closest study, any more than they 
are to be wasted away by the shrewdest verbal criti- 
cism of the letter of the instrument. Great as were 
the abilities of those who framed it, they were — and 
any men would have been — unequal to the task of 
condensing into words, of confining within sentences, 
the great idea of political equality which informed 
the general American reason and heart. They left 
us a letter, noble only because it was the exponent of 
a noble spirit. The letter might be perverted and 
controverted — might be faithful to the ear of the 
world, but altogether false to its hope — but the spirit 
would remain, incapable of a double sense, and use- 
less to palterers. 



108 BANCROFT VS. CHOATE. 

We did not need it, but we are happy to have the 
opinion of Mr. George Bancroft, the best known of 
our historians, that the Declaration was not " a tissue 
of glittering generalities." Mr. Bancroft contradicts 
the late Mr. Rufus Choate point blank, and in words 
which are curiously responsive to those of that advo- 
cate ; for Mr. Bancroft says distinctly that the Decla- 
ration " avoided specious and vague generalities." 
Again, those who have been misled by the indignant 
or contemptuous repetition of the phrase "higher 
law," will have ampler opportunities of exhibiting 
their virtuous horror when they read what Mr. George 
Bancroft has written. " The bill of rights which it 
(i. e. the Declaration) promulgated, is of rights that 
are older than human institutions, and spring from 
the eternal justice that is anterior to the State. 5 ' He 
must possess very rare powers of distinction who can 
find any substantial difference between " the higher 
law" and the "rights that are older than human in- 
stitutions"— rights that " spring from the eternal jus- 
tice that is anterior to the State." 

But Mr. Bancroft goes still further; nor can we 
forbear the pleasure of quoting his own admirable 
words : " Two political theories," says he, " divided 
the world ; one founded the Commonwealth on the 
reasons of State, the policy of expediency ; the other 
on the immutable principles of morals. The new Re- 
public, as it took its place among the powers of the 
world, proclaimed its faith in the truth and reality 
and unchangeableness of freedom, virtue and right. 
The heart of Jefferson in writing the Declaration, and 



THE GLAD TIDINGS. 109 

of Congress in adopting it, beat for all humanity ; 
the assertion of right was made for the entire world 
of mankind, and all coming generations, without any 
exception whatever ; for the proposition which ad- 
mits of exception can never be self-evident." More- 
over, and in illustration of the glad tidings and their 
universal application, Mr. Bancroft says : " The as- 
tonished nations as they read that all men are created 
equal, started out of their lethargy, like those who 
have been exiles from childhood, when they suddenly 
hear the dimly-remembered accents of their mother 
tongue." 

Mr. Bancroft, it will be seen, does not speak with 
the fashionable timidity of dyspeptic students. He 
does not maunder about races, nor take refuge within 
the cheap defenses of ethnological sciolism. His po- 
litical philosophy " makes the circuit of the world" — 
his political morality is applied to " the entire world 
of mankind, and all coming generations, without any 
exceptions whatever." After Mr. Cushing's pilfer- 
ings from encyclopedias and stereotyped nonsense 
about white and black and yellow races — after the 
intolerable conceit, ignorance and inhumanity of his 
imitators — after the inconclusive conclusions of text- 
twisting and text-splitting doctors of divinity — after 
the ignoble efforts of fools and of knaves to extenuate 
a moral wrong by appeals to physical distinctions — 
it is pleasant to find a man like Mr. Bancroft adher- 
ing to a sensible and simple construction of the axi- 
oms and adages of honest and fearless Republicanism. 
These trimmers — these torturers of plain words, of 



HO AJSf OPEN LETTER. 

plain morality into tenth century sophistications have 
now their answer, and they have it from a very high, 
if not from the highest quarter. 

June 27, 1880. 



MODERN CHIVALRY— A MANIFESTO. 

We read in one of the noblest of English poems that 
" a gentle knight came pricking o'er the plain ;" but 
we do not read, in whatever other way he made an 
ass of himself, that he published three close columns 
of nonsense in any newspaper of the period. He dab- 
bled in blood, and not in ink ; he brandished a sword, 
and not a goose-quill ; he murdered infidels, and not 
his vernacular ; he was invincible in respect of drag- 
ons, but he recoiled from the perils of authorship ; 
and as he was much more expert at riding than read- 
ing, he never seems to have thought it necessary to 
quote, by way of justification, from any of Doctor 
Caleb Cushing's Cyclopedias whenever he slaughtered 
Paynims and ravished their wives. Our modern chev- 
aliers are vastly more accomplished; and whatever 
prowess they may hereafter exhibit upon the gory 
field, it must be admitted that they make war by 
proclamation with irresistible, or perhaps we may say 
with irrefragable vigor. 

We do not remember in the history of Chivalry 
anything like " An Open Letter to the Knights of the 
Golden Circle," which has just been printed in The 



A GATHERING OF THE CLANS. HI 

Richmond Whig, by Sir George Bickley, President of 
the American Legion and K. G. C. Since Sir "Walter 
Raleigh, there has been no filibuster so accomplished 
as Knight George. In urging his men-at-arms to 
rush to the rendezvous, he strengthens his appeal by 
quoting from history in the most miscellaneous man- 
ner, and by using terms the most recondite and sci- 
entific. He speaks of the days of Nimrod, Ashur, 
Fohi, Mizraim, Athotes, Memnon, Solomon, Hiram, 
Uleg-Beg, Gengis Khan and Psammetieus, as if they 
were only of yesterday, or the day before. He makes 
an off-hand allusion to Pyramids and Sphynxes with 
an ease which is perfectly tremendous. We do not 
know any Doctor of Divinity who has exhibited such 
perfect familiarity with the intentions of the Al- 
mighty. He uses all the hard philosophical terms 
with as much ease as if he had been born under the 
Portico, swaddled in the Lyceum, educated in a Ger- 
man University, and subsequently adopted and nur- 
tured in sesquipedality by Jeremy Bentham. He 
evidently means to invade Mexico according to all 
the laws of Logic and Mental Philosophy. Thus we 
are told that Asia and Africa " have long since passed 
from fetichism to analyticism, and finally to synthet- 
icism" — in consequence of which interesting trans- 
mogrification the Knights of the Golden Circle are 
invited to meet, on the 15th of September proximo, 
on the beautiful banks of the Rio Nueces, All diffi- 
culties are to vanish before " the energetic analyses 
of the Americans ;" and in the opinion of Sir George 
Bickley, K. G. C., the entire Mexican army will fly 



112 SIR GEORGE DISGUSTED. 

like erayens from the very first round of " pure syn- 
theticisms" to which lie proposes to subject it ; nor do 
we blame him if, as he admits, at such a prospect, 
" his heart swells." We should think it would. We 
do not wonder, when thus he meditates the easy glories 
of charge, with Webster in one hand and Worcester 
in the other, that he also declares that unless his gal- 
lant knights do their duty, "future ages may well 
reprobate our dereliction." Our own opinion is that 
future ages will by no means let them off so easily ; 
and will be satisfied with nothing less than penalties 
only to be expressed in words of ten syllables. 

Sir George touches upon one exceedingly interest 
ing point. All adventurers who leave the scenes of 
their nativity to grapple with fortune in foreign lands 
have a pet grievance. JEneas was fairly smoked out 
of house and home, or the world would have had no 
Rome. Sir George Bickley, K. G. C, is also mounted 
upon his injuries. As " a Christian," as " a consistent 
man," as " an energetic Anglo-American," he is much 
displeased with the difficulty of enforcing the Fugi- 
tive Slave Law in Boston. " The conflicts between 
the State and Federal authorities" have rasped the 
more delicate parts of his nature. Although not a 
medical man, he volunteers the opinion that, " as a 
nation we have been poisoned." The Republican 
party has "grown to colossal proportions." The F. 
S. L. cannot be executed — not Botts, nor Yancey, 
nor Wise could, as President, execute it. The crimes 
of the North are manifold. It is guilty of a popula- 
tion of twenty millions, while the South has but 



POOR MEXICO! 113 

twelve. In respect of land, it is equally reprehensi- 
ble — seventy-five acres to a man, while the South has 
but forty-five. " Be we men/' Sir George would have 
said, if he had thought of it ; " Be we men and suffer 
this dishonor ?" Alas ! the poor South, oppressed by 
all the rules of arithmetic, the victim of a pitiless nu- 
meration — what can she do better than to throw her- 
self for safety and for succor into the amorous arms 
of Sir George Bickley, K. G. C, President of the 
American Legion ? He is the Moses for her money. 
He will show her the green pastures and the still 
waters — a Canaan of coffee, of corn, and of cotton ; 
a Paradise of tea and tobacco, of sugar and rice — 
where there will be " work for all," and more es- 
pecially for "niggers" — where there will be "free 
religion," (Doctors of Divinity growing, as we are 
told, spontaneously in the poorest soil) — where there 
will be " free education" — two Universities, we sup- 
pose, in every shire-town, each with a full corps of 
presidents, stewards, tutors, bell-ringers, bed-makers 
and professors of Greek. 

Then, too, there is unhappy Mexico — the heart of 
Sir George is undergoing a horrible hemorrhage on 
her account; and the ears of Sir George are filled 
with her cries for " help." He proposes, his Knights 
of the Golden Circle assisting, to give her " a rank 
among nations" — to rescue her from "the brigand 
and barbarous brutes who now burn, pillage, murder 
and destroy her" — and a very handsome thing it is 
in him to offer to do it. Therefore, let Bickley's 
Braves all be " on the south bank of the Rio Nueces by 



114 SIR GEORGE'S FORETHOUGHT. 

the 15th of September — there to organize and await 
the action of our friends in Mexico." There will be 
a pleasant march — there will be just fighting enough 
to sustain the interest of the expedition — -and then for 
a revel in the Halls of Montezuma, with no end of 
liquor and ladies ! We can see Sir George now, in 
our mind's eye, w T ith a monopoly of two sefioritas and 
a private bottle of aguardiente, surrounded by the 
chiefs of his army, and martially and melodiously 
whistling Yankee Doodle. If this will not give 
Mexico " rank among nations," we do not know what 
will. What the rank will be we leave the reader to 
determine. 

But Sir George, like a prudent commander, directs 
his Golden Knights not to come to the south bank of 
the Bio Nueces empty-handed. They are requested 
to bring wdth them "wagons, mules, oxen, horses, 
cattle, spades and blankets." Nothing is said of " two 
towels and a spoon." Perhaps the last is at least 
included under the general head of "instruments," 
w T hich the knights are also requested to provide. But 
we are afraid that the word has no such pacific signi- 
fication. " Instruments," we fear, mean revolvers and 
rifles, bayonets and blunderbusses and bowie-knives, 
powder-flasks and bullets. If not, why does Sir George* 
inform us that in good time his " emigrants" will beat 
the sword and the rifle, the cannon and the lance, 
into agricultural implements ? This will, after peace, 
be, of course, the proper and poetical thing to do ; but 
how can it be done without, if we may say so, the 
raw material? How can you make a cannon into 



CASH, THE FIRST REQUISITE. H5 

" an agricultural implement," if you have no cannon 
to begin with ? We defy Sir George Bickley, K. G. 
C, to do it. 

It must not be supposed that any body who pleases 
can join this gallant " emigration." In the first place, 
every knight must bring to the Rio Nueces not less 
than " twenty dollars" in hard cash. O discourag- 
ing regulation ! A man may be bold — a man may 
be brave — but unless he can by begging, borrowing 
or stealing raise twenty dollars, his room will be 
better than his company on the banks of that shining 
river. But we have still more discouraging; intelli- 
gence. Sir George gives timely notice that none but 
respectable men can march under his colors. He will 
have no " rowdies." We are not sure that he will 
not confine his enlistment to church-members in good 
standing. Those gallant men, therefore, in this city 
and elsewhere, who propose to consecrate themselves to 
this knightly work, will see the necessity of instantly 
commencing their purgation, and of looking about to 
see which of their friends has twenty dollars in cash 
to spare. For cash, after all, is what Sir George will 
stand most in need of. To slaveholders he makes a 
most piteous appeal, calling upon them in the name 
of all that is good and great to draw their pocket- 
books instantly, and to send to Col. IS. J. Scott, of 
Auburn, Ala., the neat sum of one million five hun- 
dred thousand dollars. We are afraid that it is just 
possible that Col. Scott will be obliged to wait awhile 
for that money ; and our advice to Sir George, if he 
really desires to be the Alexander of Mexico, is to 



116 THE USE OF EX-PRESIDENTS. 

courageously make up his mind to defray all the ex- 
penses out of his private resources, which are un- 
doubtedly unlimited. 

We beg leave, most respectfully, to call the atten- 
tion of our friend, Mr. Buchanan, to this Proclama- 
tion. It may divert his mind from a too constant 
contemplation of his recent misfortunes ; and he may 
pleasantly employ himself during the brief remainder 
of his official existence, either in assisting or arresting 
this expedition — it really makes no difference which. 
Should he determine to try a new sensation, and for 
once insist upon a rigid execution of the laws, we be- 
seech him not to begin with a Proclamation, for in 
that particular line of warfare he cannot for a mo- 
ment compete with Sir George Bickley, K. Gr. C. 

July 26, 1860. 



MR. FILLMOEE TAKES A VIEW. 

Ex-Peesidents are undoubtedly beings vouchsafed 
to us by way of confirming the truth of that Scripture 
which declares that though one should rise from the 
dead, yet would not men believe. Ex-Presidents, to 
be sure, are not always exactly dead ; and even Mr. 
John Tyler, who never during his official days had a 
superfluity of vitality, has recently shown the usual 
sign of life in a decayed politician, and has written a 
letter. The Ex-President, therefore, may be consid- 
ered not so much dead as " done for." He is like an 



A LETTER TO SOMEBODY. H7 

old coat, past service when skies are clear, but pretty 
sure to be brought out in rainy weather — a garment 
shabby, but passable in a fog ; split here and there, 
but in all its looped and windowed raggedness better 
than total nakedness; or to pursue the figure, fit 
enough to be straw-stuffed and hoisted upon a pole to 
terrify the croaking crows. Of these relics, it may be 
said, that while there is life in them, there is a letter. 
We learn accordingly that Mr. Fillmore, from that 
very library, we suppose, which witnessed his Know- 
Nothing adjurations, wrote upon the 19th of Decem- 
ber, 1860, an epistle to Somebody, which only now 
do we find emerging from Somebody's pocket and 
creeping into the public journals. It appears that 
Somebody requested Mr. Fillmore to go to the South 
as a Grand Plenipotential Pacificator. For that high 
office by Somebody was Mr. Fillmore nominated, and 
by Somebody was he unanimously confirmed at a 
Union meeting held by Somebody expressly for the 
purpose. Mr. Fillmore is urged to undertake this 
"patriotic mission." He may smell tar and see pros- 
pective feathers. He may have a fearful dream of 
being ordered "to leave within four-and-twenty 
hours." He may feel an uncomfortable rail between 
his august legs, or a still more uncomfortable cravat 
of the hempen variety around his highly respectable 
neck. So he has issued in his own behalf and has 
served upon himself a writ of ne exeat. If the Union 
can be saved by letter-writing he has sheafs of pens 
and quarts of ink and reams of paper at its service ; 
but if the Union can only be saved by a danger- 



118 WHAT MB. FILLMORE WANTS. 

ous journey in mid-winter, why the Union may be 
damned. This is what Mr. Fillmore with much ver- 
bal gentility and chaste circumlocution, says ; and it 
is the most sensible thing he ever said in his life. 
Ex-Presidents can be better employed than in going 
upon tom-fool errands for anybody. 

But while declining to travel for the benefit of the 
public health, Mr. Fillmore is willing to talk in that 
behalf, and to talk, as we think, in a discreditably 
loose way. Here is what Mr. Fillmore "wants. 5 ' 
" What I want," says he, " is some assurance from 
the Republican party, now dominant in the North, 
that they, or at least the conservative portion of them, 
are ready and willing to come forward and repeal all 
unconstitutional slave laws, live up to the compro- 
mises of the Constitution, execute the laws of Congress 
honestly and faithfully, and treat our Southern breth- 
ren as friends. When I can have any such reliable 
assurance as this to give, I will go most cheerfully 
and urge our Southern brethren to follow our exam- 
ple, and restore harmony and fraternal affection be- 
tween the North and the South." 

In order fully to estimate the unspeakably amiable 
and redundantly fraternal spirit of this tid-bit, from 
which it appears that Mr. Fillmore is anxious to pre- 
serve the peace by quarrelling with his neighbors, we 
must bear in mind the posture of public affairs. The 
strongholds of the Government in the hands of the 
rebels ; the American flag dishonored by the hostile 
artillery of thieves and pirates ; the country assailed 
by land-rats in the Treasury aud by water-rats in 



A LITTLE BEHINDHAND. 119 

Pensacola Bay ; the Constitution defied by delegates 
in convention, and by mad and drunken rioters with 
arms on their shoulders ; Senators false to their oaths, 
and eaten up by undignified passion striding from 
that chamber which has been the scene alike of their 
promises given and of their promises broken; the 
country wantonly alarmed, and its great interests 
gratuitously threatened because law-abiding men will 
not submit to law-breaking men; at this moment, 
when we are to be bullied out of the right of suffrage, 
and scared into an abandonment of our dearest fran- 
chise, Mr. Fillmore, who breathes the same air and 
treads the same soil with us, lectures us upon our 
short-comings and our sins, and drawls out his stale 
reproaches as if he were our keeper or our king. He 
is out of date. He learned the fossil formula, which 
for the hundredth time he reiterates, long ago, when 
he was in a public place, if not in the public service. 
When he was in fashion, it was also the fashion to talk 
as he talks now. He assumes that the Republican 
party is not ready to repeal unconstitutional laws ; is 
not ready to live up to the compromises of the Con- 
stitution ; is not ready to execute the laws of Congress 
honestly and faithfully ; is not ready to treat our 
Southern fellow-citizens as such. This, we upon our 
part rejoin, is something worse than mere gratuitous 
assertion. It is the vulgar and uncharitable gossip 
of the pot-house ; it is the small change of political 
sneaks : it is the weak and artless subterfuge of crea- 
tures with an irresistible propensity to crawl, and with 
just sense enough to be ashamed of the degradation ; 



120 ASKING TOO MUCH. 

of men whose souls are in the stocks, and who have 
the prices-current written upon their hearts. 

But if Mr. Fillmore be really in earnest, we should 
like to ask him why we are to be driven at the bay- 
onets' point to the stools of repentance which he has 
been kind enough to arrange for us ? Were the lamps 
so nearly burned out, and were we such incorrigible 
sinners that nothing could bring us to a sense of our 
perilous state but the traitorous pranks and headlong 
perjuries of South Carolina ? Does Mr. Fillmore be- 
lieve that the North, intelligent and honest as he 
knows it to be, will refuse one jot or tittle of what it 
honestly owes to its unfortunate fellow-citizens of the 
South ? For ourselves, we think that demands thus 
far have been made upon us altogether too loosely, 
and even inexplicitly. We are to humble ourselves 
as sovereign States have rarely been humbled by the 
cruelest misfortunes of war; and with the hot haste 
of recent converts in the political church, we are to 
repeal laws, already old upon our rolls, at the demand 
of volunteer advisers, and in deference to the ex-parte 
dictum of ex-Justices and the theoretical decisions of 
amateur commentators. If these laws, of which 
Southern grumblers and their Northern allies com- 
plain, were presently oppressive and intolerably griev- 
ous, we might extemporise extraordinary legislation, 
and make hot haste to redress the injuries which we 
have heedlessly inflicted. What sharp agony, what 
recent insult, what shame new and impossible to be 
suffered has forced South Carolina into an attitude 
of crime? How many slaves has she lost by the 



THE EAGLE SAFE. 121 

operation of Personal Liberty Laws ? Which of her 
citizens have they impoverished by a penny ? 

Mr. Fillmore in declining to go to the South will 
never have the smallest cause to regret a decision 
which has saved from fresh mortification the evening 
of his life. ISTo eloquence of his could have quieted 
the insane rage of the Charleston oligarchy. No 
astute compromises, though he had carte olcmche upon 
which to write them, would have satisfied the ambi- 
tious politicians of South Carolina. He might have 
gone upon his mild mission with his portfolio fall of 
pretty bills and possible amendments ; but he would 
have returned, if at all, leaving behind him the same 
madness, with a new element of mockery. 

January 26, 1861. 



"A BANNER WITH A STRANGE DEVICE." 

Our obligations to the Anarchy of South Carolina 
are too enormous to be expressed. Bolted she has ; 
quite a large amount of our personal property has she 
taken with her, but she has left our dear old bird. 
She has spoiled the gridiron, but she has spared the 
goose. We have him still, beak, talons and feathers ! 
For us, dis-United States though we may be, he will 
continue to soar and scream and spread his wings. 
From our banner a star or two may madly shoot, and 
a stripe or so may fade ; but we keep our bird — crea- 
ture called by our name — our pet fowl, so admired 
and respected in the principal Courts of Europe. He 
6 



122 SNAKES AND LADIES. 

has not nullified. Without him we had been bank- 
rupt in our blazonry, hard up in our heraldry, a col- 
orless, flagless, standardless, buntingless, pennonless 
people. With him we may indulge in dreams of fu- 
ture glory to some extent gratifying. Let us indulge ! 

The Southern Confederacy, it would seem, is sick 
of ornithological devices. In cropping the eagle, it 
crops the whole feathered race. There were birds to 
be had for the catching — buzzards, vultures, condors, 
adjutants, flamingoes, parrots, daws — but it will have 
nothing to do with them. In its present melancholy 
condition of political chlorosis, it has a stomach only 
for snakes. At Montgomery the other day, after the 
Convention had concluded its pleasing labors of dis- 
integration, the lovely ladies presented a banner to 
the delegates, whereupon was embroidered, probably 
by their own delicate digits, a huge rattle-snake, so 
done to the life, that by the mere force of the imagi- 
nation, he was distinctly heard to rattle. "In hoc 
signo vinces, Mr. President !" said the ladies, or rather 
they would have said so, if they had understood Latin. 
" To be sure !" the President responded. The whole 
scene must have been a pretty one. 

Snakes and ladies ! The conjunction may not ap- 
pear to the fastidious a particularly felicitous one. 
There is an old, a very old story of a snake and a 
lady, and of a short but important conversation be- 
tween them respecting the edibility of a certain apple, 
in the course of which the slimy creature observed : 
" Por God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, 
then your eyes shall be opened ; and ye shall be as 



THE CURSE OF REBELLION. 123 

gods, knowing good and evil." We have all read of 
what happened after the fatal bite. We all under- 
stand what that little pippin has cost us. Adam se- 
ceded, under a strong pressure, from the garden, and 
none of his descendants have been so fortunate as to 
return to its enchanting scenes. The snake has not, 
it appears, in spite of all his bruises, amended his old 
habit of oily lying. He whispers still to the ambitious 
and the discontented and the restless : " Bite and be 
brave! Bite and be presidents, generals, dukes or 
kings ! Bite and be happy ! Bite and be as gods !" 

Under the combined influence of ambition and 
whiskey, the Confederated Adams are yielding to the 
blandishments of the serpent. In the wreck of social 
happiness, in the destruction of a free government, in 
the chaotic dissolution of all political institutions, in 
the shame and sorrow and alarm of intestine broils, 
in the rule of madness, under the heavy hands of ir- 
responsible dictators, or tossed about at the caprice 
of insurgent mobs, the amateur revolutionists of the 
South may find that bitter in the belly which was so 
sweet in the mouth, and may learn that it is easier to 
rouse than to quiet the father of lies. Have they for- 
gotten that other text : " Because thou hast done this, 
thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast 
of the field ; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust 
shalt thou eat all the days of thy life ?" Whatever may 
be the temptation of cotton, it is hardly probable that 
foreign nations will fall violently in love with the 
rattle-snake. They will fear to meet him in every 
bale ; they will find him printed on every shirt ; and 



124 NO DAT WITHOUT A LINE. 

they will rank the flag upon winch lie is painted with 
the black banner of pirates or the threatening devices 
of Asiatic barbarians. 

Let the Southern Confederates, then, revise their 
blazon ! They have a large variety from which to 
select — lions, leopards, pelicans, unicorns, bears, 
griffins, dragons — the whole menagerie of heraldry. 
Why will they endeavor to introduce such a disagree- 
able creature as the rattle-snake into the society of 
Christian nations ? If they must have one on their 
flag, the King of Dahomey is the foreign potentate for 
their diplomacy. 

January 31, 1861. 



A SOUTHERN DIARIST. 



Who would not, if he could, read history in perpetual 
diaries, and so have done forever with philosophic 
historians and historic philosophers ? Who will not 
join with us in the regret that Noah kept no log ? 
Who does not prefer Pepys to Clarendon or Hume ? 
Who can assure us that Walter Scott's Journal will 
not be read long after his romances in prose and verse 
have been forgotten? Who would barter Byron's 
memoranda, smirched and hasty, for a dozen Childe 
Harolds, and a regiment of Laras, and who would 
not buy back from the ashes to which mistaken friend- 
ship consigned them, those Memoirs burned by Tom- 
my Moore, which would have been cheaply saved to 
English literature by the destruction of all the peer's 



HUNGEBim FOB HOSTILITIES. 125 

poetry? And who will not be enchanted to learn, 
that amidst the war of revolution, the din of disunion 
and the noise of nullification, an ingenious gentleman 
of Columbia, S. C, is keeping a " Journal" and print- 
ing it by bits in The Ybrfaville Enquirer ^ thus — to 
use his own noble language — " attempting to sketch 
the rapidly-changing features of the times as they 
vary under the influence of events whirling into no- 
tice so telegraphically." Better writing than this we 
have never read, and if the gentleman goes on at this 
rate, we know well enough who will be the Xenophon 
of the war. 

The business at Columbia, as we gather from this 
journal, is principally campanological. They have a 
new bell in that city, and they ring it continually. 
On Tuesday, 8th ult., they rang it for the secession 
of Florida. On Thursday, 10th ult., they rang it for 
the secession of Mississippi. On Friday, 11th ult., 
they rang it for the secession of Alabama. On Sun- 
day, the 13th ult., they do not appear to have troubled 
the bell-rope at all. Upon the 9th ult., having heard 
of the flight of the Star of the West, the diarist ex- 
claims : " This intelligence did not surprise us. We 
were already looking the reality of war in the face." 
Were they? And did they relish the prospect? 
Smoking cities, blockaded ports, famished wives, 
starving children, insurgent negroes — did they like 
the picture ? Like it ? How can any one be so sim- 
ple as to put the question ? Like it ! We tell you 
that they pine and pant to be persecuted ; they prefer 
to be wounded; they will be much obliged to the 



126 VENUS WITHOUT MAMS. 

gentleman who may shoot them; wounds will be 
welcome ; gore will be glorious ; houselessness sweeter 
than hospitality. " A long and bloody war" looms 
before the rolling eye of the editor of The Yorkville 
(S. 0.) Enquirer as the sun-rise of the millennium. 
An ounce of lead in his clavicle would, we fancy, ma- 
terially mitigate his ardor. 

It was upon Saturday, Jan. 12, while " hundreds 
were engaged in training with pistol and rifle," the 
afternoon being, as we are told, " vocal with the mu- 
sic of preparation," that the diarist made the follow- 
ing entry : " If it were conceivable that all our men 
could be killed, South Carolina need not despair ; her 
women can defend her !" The imagination is thus 
carried back to the Amazonian regiments, to the pet- 
ticoated squadrons of the King of Dahomey, to Boadi- 
cea and Joan of Arc. It is rather a drawback to find 
that the Lady Lancers, the Amazonian Artillery, the 
Female Eusileers, the Sweet Sappers, the Modern 
Miners, the Pretty Pioneers, the Side-saddle Cavalry, 
will not be wanted until " all our men are killed." 
Not being a woman, and still less a she-soldier, we 
cannot undertake to speak with absolute accuracy; 
but we should be a little dubious about the female 
fighting after the quietus of all the men. How will 
Mrs. Col. Cotton be able to lead the Heavy Mothers 
to the charge, when her dear departed no longer ani- 
mates her by his martial smile ? How will Arabella, 
of the Light Artillery, deport herself at the guns, 
when Augustus sleeps in a soldier's grave ? Who be- 
lieves that the Maid of Saragossa would have ram- 



A POOR OLD MAN. 127 

med the great cannon with sucli astonishing virulence, 
if there had been no gallant gentlemen looking on ? 

To return to our Diary. On Monday, 14th ult., 
we find the following discouraging entry : " The war 
does not progress." As the hart panteth after the 
water-brooks, and as the thirsty soul panteth after the 
whiskey barrel, so does this man of memoranda pant 
for blood. Monday the fourteeitth was a " blue Mon- 
day" indeed, .Nothing to ring the bells for ; no ex- 
cuse for extra libations ; even the small-pox subsiding 
— how monotonous in Columbia must that day have 
been. Something of the solitary sensations of Rob- 
inson Crusoe must have come over our jotting gen- 
tleman, for his diary comes to a dead stop. He ceases 
suddenly to chronicle " the rapidly changing features 
of the times in Columbia," and begins to abuse Mr. 
Buchanan as " a poor old man." This we cannot but 
regard as a gratuitous insult. Poor, Mr. Buchanan 
is not. Old, he may be ; but we are ready to wager 
dollars against dimes that the President is not half so 
old as he appears to be. The mistake is a natural 
one. Good guessers, familiar with his proclamations 
and messages, and computing his years from his 
drivel, would undoubtedly think him somewhat 
older than Old Parr ; but we have good reason 
for believing that he is very little, if at all, past one 
hundred. At any rate, he is old enough to be spared 
the insults of those whom he has served well, if not 
wisely ; whereas he seems to be rather worse off than 
Shylock was on the Riaito. Southern gentlemen must 
swear, we know, but why call poor old Mr. Buchanan 



128 HIDEOUS INGRATITUDE. 

a liar and a dog ? ? T is inexpressibly shameful. If 
we were Mr. Buchanan, we would turn anchorite; 
we would retire to some secluded cave, and there, 
over a moderate allowance of the choicest wheat 
whiskey, would we strictly meditate the thankless- 
ness of mankind. What more, we beg leave to ask, 
in behalf of an injured old gentleman, and outraged 
O. P. F., would the Seceders have of the President ? 
Has he not been theirs — corpus, unmentionables and 
all ? Do they know a friend when they have one ? 
For them a Pond Functionary has given up reputa- 
tion, self-approval and a respectable place in history, 
a re-election, sound sleep and a good appetite. What 
more would they have ? Do they want their servant, 
just sinking into the gaping grave, to close his cheq- 
uered existence by committing a great number of 
enormous perjuries ? Will they not be fond of him 
unless he will forswear himself ? Will they keep no 
faith with this too confiding ally? He has loved 
them to doting. And what is his reward ? Poor 
old man ! 

February 4, 1861. 



DR. TYLER'S DIAGNOSIS. 



We are happy to perceive that in these days of ex- 
citement, one moderate man — one exceedingly mod- 
erate man — the most moderate man of modern times 
— a man without the slightest pretension to ability of 
any sort, is still in full possession of his inkstand and 



TO UBS TRULY. 129 

pen, if not his tongue. We need hardly say that we 
allude to John Tyler, of Virginia, whose recent visit 
to "Washington, if it has not saved the Union, has at 
least produced a correspondence enlivened by the united 
abilities of Mr. Tyler and Mr. James Buchanan. That 
correspondence, too precious not to print, is now be- 
fore us. Seven elegant epistles have been added to 
the literature of our language, and of these we beg 
leave to offer to the eager reader the following com- 
pendious abstract : 

No. I. Mr. Tyler informs Mr. Buchanan that he 
has taken lodgings at Brown's Hotel, in order to pre- 
serve the peace of the country ; and wishes to know 
when he can be " received" at the White House. 

No. II. " This evening at eight o'clock, or to-mor- 
row morning as early as you please," responds the 
hospitable B. 

No. III. Mr. Tyler represents to Mr. Buchanan 
that " his health is too delicate to make it prudent for 
him to encounter the night air." He will therefore 
call in the bright, rosy morning. 

No. IV. " Why is the ' Brooklyn' frigate sent South, 
Mr. Buchanan ?" fiercely asks Mr. J. Tyler. 

No. Y. " An errand of mercy and relief," responds 
our beloved B. 

No. VI. " Why are you planting cannon at Fort 
Monroe ?" interrogates J. T. 

No. VII. " I will inquire and let you know," re- 
plies J. B. 

Here the thins: breaks off. We have no words in 
which to express our sense of the exceeding astuteness, 
6* 



130 THE STATUS QUO. 

courtesy, vigor, elegance, profundity, conciseness and 
general anti-sesquipedality of these letters. We are 
only troubled to think that so dignified a beginning 
should have had so lame and impotent a conclusion. 
If Mr. Tyler had only followed up the struggle with 
Number Eight — if our President had but sent off 
Number Nine — if Mr. Tyler had then countered with 
his Ten — if Mr. Buchanan had immediately got in 
his Eleven, to be followed by a smart delivery of Mr. 
Tyler's Twelve, who knows what these champions 
might have accomplished after a mutual polishing, 
we will say up to Round CXL ? As it was, Mr. Tyler 
could only write to the Governor of Virginia, to say 
that he had nothing to say — to report that he had 
nothing to report — to inform his Excellency that there 
was nothing of which to inform him. " I have great 
confidence," observes Dr. Tyler, " in the action of my 
pill called the ' status quo.' Mr. Buchanan promised 
to take the ' status quo,' but no c status quo' would he 
after all take; in consequence of which Executive 
disinclination, the President is in a state of ' status 
quo,' I am in a state of ' status quo,' Yirginia is ditto, 
and the country is ditto." Thus terminated Dr. Ty- 
ler's visit, and to Yirginia did he return with his de- 
spised and ill-treated bolus. We are sorry to notice 
that he was not " admitted into the inner vestibule 
of the Cabinet." To be sure we do not exactly un- 
derstand what an " inner vestibule" may be ; but we 
are satisfied that it is such a sanctum scmctorum, such 
a place of places, and such a closet of closets that if 
Mr. Tyler had therein met Mr. Buchanan, and had 



AN INFANT GOVERNMENT.. 131 

suddenly presented the " status quo" in a mild me- 
dium of Monongahela to the President, what with the 
stfrprise and the spirits, the " status quo 5 ' would have 
glided down the Executive oesophagus into the Exec- 
utive stomach, and so in a state of chyme through the 
Presidential pylorus into the next proper place in the 
Presidential person — and all with the happiest possi- 
ble effects. But it is useless to speculate. What is 
the value of a doctor, when the patient pitches his 
medicines out of the window ? "What could Dr. Tyler 
do when Mr. Buchanan steadily refused to take his 
physic ? " What could he do," says the reader, " but 
write another letter to somebody else ?" Sir, or Mad- 
am, that is precisely what he did. 

February 8, 1861. 



THE MONTGOMERY MUDDLE— A SPECIMEN DAY. 

Me. Thomas Carlyle has given somewhere a droll 
and piquantly cynical description of a new-born baby, 
with its pink skin, its irrelevant motions, and its many 
and meaningless wants. A new Government, wiien 
extemporized, not because it is needed, when rather 
it starts from a stercoraceous bed of corruption and 
venality, is always the object of laughter to settled 
States and solid statesmen. In its assumption of 
regal airs, in its strut and swagger, in its monkeyfied 
politics, it reminds us of nothing more forcibly than 



132 THE BUSINESS OF BEGINNERS. 

of " The Two Eight Kings of Brentford" in " The 

Rehearsal :" 

- 

1st King. Hasten, brother King, we are sent from aboye. 

2d King. Let us move, let us move — 
Move to remove the fate 
Of Brentford's long united state. 

1st King. Tarra, ran tarra, full east by south. 

2d King. "We sail with thunder in our mouth ; 
Busy, busy, busy, we bustle along. 

Or if we may be permitted to make another quota- 
tion from the same pregnant play, it shall be this : 

King's PJiys. What man is this that dares disturb our feast. 
Drawcansir. He that dares drink, and for that drink dares die ; 
And knowing this dares yet drink on, am I ! 

We suspect that there are a sufficient number of 
Drawcansirs in the Southern armies who not only dare 
drink, and dare die for drink, but who would be very 
apt to die without drink ; yet we take it for granted 
that the men of Montgomery are all solid philoso- 
phers, who leave liquor to the poets and the common 
soldiers, and whose sole and sublime amusements are 
the construction of paper Constitutions, the begetting 
of bodies politic, the evocation of cash out of chaos, 
and the general transmogrification of a small slice of 
the late Union into a Confederacy. The millinery 
department of Mr. Jefferson Davis's new political 
concern seems, however, to make the weightiest drafts 
upon the Southern Congressional intellect. A nation 
withoiit a flag is no nation at all — that sublime truth, 



THEN, TIP WITH THE BANNER! 133 

at least, has dawned upon the Southern Confederated 
mind. Confederate Curry, of Alabama, the other 
day brought a bushel of flags, of striped and of starry 
flags, of white, red and blue flags before the Congress, 
and exhibited them to the delegates just as that ab- 
horred creature, a Yankee peddler, shows his rainbow 
merchandize to the old ladies. One he dwelt upon 
affectionately, as it was " designed by a gentleman of 
rare intellectual endowments;" and upon its ample 
and variegated folds the eagle was preserved in all 
his plumed and pugnacious perfection. The name 
of the rare and intellectual gentleman is not given ; 
but with all the rarity of his intellectual powers, his 
pipe was soon put out, so to speak, by a lady, who 
sent a piece of patch-work which was exceedingly 
admired — a remarkable fact, since it is said to " pre- 
serve much of the resemblance of the dear old flag," 
which we should not think would make it exceedingly 
beautiful in the eyes of thieves and traitors. The 
Congress, being much dazzled by all this display of 
bunting, referred the whole subject to the Flag Com- 
mittee, which, without delay, has created and reported 
the necessary banner. Thus the Confederacy is pro- 
vided for in that respect at least, and what more can 
it desire ? 

Cash, clearly ; for even a Southern Confederacy 
cannot live upon loquacity alone. Cash, therefore, 
the Congress has proceeded to raise, or rather, not to 
speak with frightful inaccuracy, has resolved to raise, 
to the extent of fifteen millions, whenever anybody 
with more bullion than brains will lend that trifling 



134 MAKING THE MARE GO. 

sum for eiglit per cent. One cannot but notice the 
exceeding modesty of this proposition, and particu- 
larly the high rate of interest which the Confederates 
promise to pay. The Rothschilds will be upon their 
knees for that loan, and, with tears in their eyes, the 
Barings will beg for it. But what we exceedingly 
wonder at, is the moderation of Congress. "Why limit 
the "raise" to $15,000,000? Why not resolve to 
borrow $150,000,000 ? It will be just as easy to ob- 
tain the larger sum as the lesser, and it hardly appears 
respectable for the new nation to set itself up in busi- 
ness upon a petty fifteen million capital. What will 
the pickings and stealings, so necessary for the devel- 
opment of patriotism, be worth with such a trifling 
stock as that to filch from ? Why it will hardly keep 
some men, heads and fronts of the Confederacy, too, 
in pocket money for a quarter ! Do you suppose that 
peculators who only stood by the United States while 
there was a dollar in the treasury, which they could 
" convey," will render their inestimable services for 
any such petty plunder ? 

Then, too, we are sorry to say that the Congress, 
on this same specimen day, wasted its precious time 
in hearing petitions for patents, and in referring them. 
Now when we consider that discovery and invention 
are shown by the facts and the figures to be quite out 
of the Southern line, we cannot but regret to see the 
energy of the Congress wasted in raising a Patent 
Committee at all. In 1856 — and other years will 
show a like proportion — South Carolina took out seven 
letters patent; Georgia, nine / Florida, one; Ala- 



THE MARE GOES BUT SLOWLY. 135 

bama, eleven / Louisiana, twenty-four / all the Slave 
States, two hundred and ninety-one against one thou- 
scmd nine hundred and eighty-two taken out by the 
Free States. There would seem to be several things 
making more imperative demands upon the Confed- 
erate Congress than a Patent Office. 

A poor but honest State, struggling with financial 
difficulties, and striving in good faith to secure a po- 
sition in the family of nations, is worthy of the respect 
of all mankind ; but a State seeking existence at the 
cost of a cruel and unnecessary rebellion ; a State false 
to its traditions, and traitorous out of mere petulance, 
must be very strong indeed in money, men, and all 
other material resources, in order to maintain itself. 
The South cannot complain that it has been slandered 
by its foes. It stands to-day self-accused and self- 
convicted. From its own newspapers, and from the 
speeches of its leading men, and by their own pas- 
sionate confession, we can prove it behindhand in 
commerce, in intelligent agriculture, in letters and 
in popular enlightenment. Governor Wise has said 
this over and over again, in numberless letters, of his 
own State of Yirginia ; and what is true of Virginia 
is true of her Southern sisters. Do the really intelli- 
gent men of these unfortunate States, imagine that 
acts of Congress, whether in Montgomery or in Wash- 
ington, will bring wealth, industry, prudence, energy 
— lines of steamers, miles of railway, great commercial 
centres ? Secede, and secede again, but the curse and 
blight of Slavery will still remain ! It will be a les- 
son to the world ; it will fill a sad but priceless chap- 



136 UNITED WE STAND. 

ter in history ; but we may well ask that our erring 
brethren may be spared the sorrow and mortification 
of teaching it. 

March 11, 1861. 



BEADY-MADE UNITY AND THE SOCIETY FOR ITS 

PROMOTION. 

It is a pleasant thing for brethren to dwell together 
in unity. There can be no mistake about it. The 
Scriptures say so, and " The American Society for 
Promoting National Unity" backs up the Scripture ; 
so that the thing may be considered as good as settled. 
Especially when we consider that Samuel and Sidney 
Morse, Hubbard Winslow and Seth Bliss indorse the 
Society, and that in so doing they approve the Scrip- 
tures. Gentlemen amorous of unity could not cer- 
tainly have done a more sensible thing than to begin 
by uniting themselves. It is all very proper. The 
Patent Soap has its Company, and so has the cele- 
brated Paste Blacking — and why not Unity ? — not a 
Unitary Home, for that the gods forbid ! — not a Uni- 
tarian Unity, for that would hardly suit those mem- 
bers whose names are as yet published — but what we 
may call a Eeligious-and-Political Unity — designed, 
as we are informed, to make everybody of one mind 
with everybody else upon the subject of Slavery — that 
mind being also The Joiimal-of- Commerce mind, the 
bias of which is, we presume, not uncertain. 

We are inclined to think that The American Unity 



AFTER THE ABOLITIONISTS. 137 

Society has cut out rather more work for itself than it 
will be able to accomplish during the remainder of 
the present century. It is morally impossible for men 
to be united upon this topic. The man who owns a 
man will never agree with the man who is owned. 
Here is the first fatal split ; and nine hundred Morse 
Societies, working for nine thousand years, could not 
alter that primal, elementary and discouraging fact. 
Even though men who do not own slaves may now 
and then agree with slave owners, yet the number 
even of these must always be small, compared with 
the number of those who do not so agree. People 
who cannot read Greek, and who have not been en- 
lightened upon the signification of a certain little 
Greek word of six letters, will not unite upon this 
point with gentlemen whose consciences are in their 
lexicons. 

The Society of National Unity intends to go to 
work upon what in medicine would be called a coun- 
ter-irritant plan. According to The Journal of Com- 
merce^ the Society is " to employ a small army of tal- 
ented lecturers to follow in the wake of or to precede 
Abolition lecturers, to pluck up the Abolition tares, 
and destroy them. 55 Well, this is one way of promot- 
ing Unity, we must confess. "We should very much 
like to see Mr. Morse 5 s " small army of talented lec- 
turers 55 wrestling with Mr. Parker Pillsbury, and hold- 
ing high debate with Mrs. Lucy Stone. How the 
" talented lecturers 55 would fare in the scrimmage, or 
in what woeful plight they would come out of it, we 
can easily imagine ; but how these mighty debaters, 



138 MISINTERPRETING THE FATHERS. 

stirring up villages, distracting societies, and making 
the squabble chronic, would promote Unity is more 
than we can see. 

The American Unity Society has " briefly indicated 
its views" in what it calls a " Programme." It be- 
gins with an attempt, cold-blooded, specious and de- 
liberate, to falsify history — not a very good way of 
promoting Unity, we would suggest. We quote from 
the " Programme :" 

" The popular declaration that all men are created 
equal and entitled to liberty, intended to embody the 
sentiment of our ancestors respecting the doctrine of 
divine right of kings and nobles, and perhaps also the 
more doubtful sentiment of the French school, may 
be understood to indicate both a sublime truth and a 
pernicious error. Men are created equally free to do 
the will of God, and will be equally rewarded by him 
according to their deeds. But they are not created 
equal in personal endowments, nor in their relations 
to providential arrangements." 

There are so many falsehoods in these few lines, 
that we hardly know where to begin their exposure. 
But, in the first place, we say that no honest construc- 
tion of the text warrants the assertion that our fathers 
referred, in these great sentences, to the divine right 
of kings and nobles alone. They do not say anything 
about " government" in the beginning. They start 
with a pure, bold, naked abstraction, independent of 
governmental forms altogether. Head the words : 
" We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men 
are created equal ; that they are endowed by their 



WHY GOVERNMENTS ABE INSTITUTED. 139 

Creator with, certain inalienable rights ; that among 
these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." 
There is the proposition. What follows ? " That to 
secure these rights, governments are instituted." IsFot 
rights for government, but government for rights, 
higher, holier than the government itself. Govern- 
ment is secondary to right — that is what Thomas Jef- 
ferson meant to say, and did say, with a clearness 
which no guess nor gloss can obscure. 

Then see how these new " Unitarians" dishonestly 
— yes, that is the word ; we shall not change it — dis- 
honestly muddle the great charter ! " Men are cre- 
&te<ifree to do the will of God, and will be equally 
rewarded by him." That is : a man is free to go 
to a prayer-meeting, to toil without wages, to live 
wretchedly, and to have no hope but in death — that 
is doing the will of God ; but he is not free to better 
his condition ; he is not free to run away, he is not 
free to keep his own w r ife from concubinage, nor his 
own children from vendue. He will be " equally re- 
warded by God" — was there one man in the Ameri- 
can Congress who understood " equal" in that sense ? 
"We do not believe that there was ; and we do not be- 
lieve that Morse & Co. believe so. "What is that ugly 
word " Liberty" doing in the Declaration ? Liberty 
applies only to political status. Except in purely 
theological discussions, what has "a free and equal 
slave" to do with Liberty ? Ah ! say Morse & Co., 
the Fathers meant by using that word to refer to 
"the more doubtful sentiment of the French school." 
WTiat is this " doubtful sentiment ?" WTiy are not 



140 PROVIDENCE AND FATE. 

Messrs. Morse, Winslow and Bliss a little more ex- 
plicit? "Why do they undertake to slander, not 
Thomas Jefferson who had Gallic proclivities, but 
such a man as John Adams, who hated French poli- 
tics and French reforms ? It would not have been 
altogether safe for Mr. Samuel J. B. Morse to have 
told John Adams that the Declaration to which he 
had deliberately set his hand, incorporated any 
" doubtful sentiment of the French school." We can 
imagine the old man "kindling into sublime wrath, and 
with fiery energy pouring out hot words of scorn and 
of refutation. We can imagine him exclaiming : "No, 
sir ! I did not mean any doubtful sentiment of the 
French school — I meant the undoubted sentiment of 
the old Saxon school ; and I yet standby my faith, sir !" 
We presume that our readers have already had 
enough of the " Programme." We promise not to 
detain them much longer, but here is a gem of a sen- 
tence : " It is," so say the Programmarians, " by con- 
founding the providential with the moral, instead, of 
regarding the former as means wisely employed by 
the latter, that men become infidel and radical in 
their schemes of reformation." What are the men 
who say this? Are they Platonists or Christians? 
Do they hold to the divince providentice fatalis dis- 
positio? Do they literally interpret the maxim, 
" Whatever is, is right ?" Does " providential" mean 
something moral sometimes, and sometimes immoral, 
but whatever its character, in its sense of fatal, provi- 
dential ? If so, then Apuleius telling dirty Platonic 
stories was as good a Christian as Prof. Morse is. 



THE FAMILY GUNS. 141 

But there is something so hideous in this hair- 
splitting, in these quiddities and quodlibets with 
which men strive to cover the immorality and the im- 
policy of Slavery, that we do not care at present to 
pursue the subject. There is more " richness" in the 
" Unitary Programme ;" but let these reflections suf- 
fice at least for to-day. 

March 28, 1861. 



A PRIVATE BATTERY. 



We find the following paragraph in the Charleston 

(S. 0.) correspondence of a contemporary : 

" A salute was fired this afternoon by Captain James W. 
Meridith's private lattery in honor of the ratification of the 
Constitution by South Carolina, and the hoisting of the Con- 
federate States flag." 

Well, in the rapid onset of nineteenth century civi- 
lization, beautifully bewritten and philosophized as it 
has been, Charleston does outrun 'New York. There 
are a hundred things which are handy to have in the 
house. Mr. Toodles knew it ; Mrs. Toodles knew it ; 
we all know it. But do ever the most prudent of us 
think of providing, keeping, maintaining, casting, 
mounting, loading, priming and discharging a private 
battery? There were private fortifications, as we 
have been informed, in the Middle Ages. There were 
certain counterscarps, ravelins and moats in My Uncle 
Toby's garden, which might be generically classed 
under the head of "Private Battery." Burglars go 



142 A WIFE'S ARMS. 

about with their pockets full of six-shooters — real pri- 
vate batteries. But in these peaceful times, at least 
in these peaceful regions, we buy pots, pans, kettles, 
cooking-ranges ; but we do not buy private batteries. 
Mrs. Younghusband does not say to the lord of her 
bosom : " My love, there is the nicest little Paixhan, 
second-hand and dirt-cheap, just round the corner — 
and the man throws in the balls, my dear — and I 
have found saltpetre going for a song, in a charming 
shop, and sulphur for nothing at all, and we can grind 
our own powder, love ! and Tommy will help us to 
cast bullets, and, bless my soul ! there is a small-arms 
manufacturer just below us, with the neatest swords 
that you ever saw — and do not forget to remind John 
that we are out of cartridges, and really the gardener 
is quite behindhand with his ditch. We may be as- 
saulted to-morrow, Mr. Younghusband. I wish you 
would not be forever neglecting our defenses." 

Does this sort of small talk season the South Caro- 
lina cakes and coffee ? Obviously — for has not Mr. 
James W. Meredith put up, erected and established 
a private battery? Where did he get his guns? 
Really, we do not know ! He cast them, we suppose. 
South Carolina has every blessing which the Creator 
has ever bestowed upon any State — why should she not 
have one more, to wit, a brass mine ? She expects all 
the results of human ingenuity to come begging for bar- 
ter at her door — why should not trampers arrive there 
now and then with a few seventy-sixes at a bargain ? 
Perhaps Mr. James W. Meredith bought the guns 
and gave his note for the purchase money. Perhaps — 



DOMESTIC INTRENCHMENTS. 143 

But why should we speculate ? Why should the 
fact — that is to say, the exceedingly remote fact — that 
these private guns may be pointed at our private and 
particular business and bosoms, discompose us into 
querulous interrogatory ? It will be a long time, we 
fancv, before we shall see Mr. James W. Meredith's 
guns gaping in this neighborhood. That battery is a 
fixture. It is for the protection of Capt. Meredith, 
Mrs. Meredith and all the little Merediths! Old 
Meredith maintains a battery that he may breakfast, 
dine, sup, sleep, sow, reap and flog at his ease. It 
will be an improvident procedure, and one which we 
hope Mrs. Captain will not consent to, for Meredith 
to permit the battery to go off the place. " We nei- 
ther borrow nor lend batteries," should be the Mere- 
dith legend. "Buy your own batteries," should be 
the steady answer upon application for a loan. 

It is not all of us who can afford the luxury of a 
" Private Battery." We have seen fearful statistics of 
the actual cost of discharging once a single gun. To 
say nothing of the expense of private gunners and 
swabbers and rammers and powder-monkeys. But 
Meredith can do it, we suppose. Meredith can keep 
horses and slaves and private batteries — no end of 
them, to be sure ! Meredith's cotton is not mortgaged 
up to the last sprout. Meredith is flush. A whole 
day's bombardment would be a bagatelle to Mere- 
dith. 

Of what description are Meredith's guns? Upon 
our life and soul, we do not know. How many ? 
We really do not know. Long Toms, Swivels, Car- 



144 THE MEAN AND MISERLY NORTH. 

ronades ? Again, we say we do not know. How 
should we ? We have never kept a Private Battery. 

April 12, 1861. 



SOUTHERN NOTIONS OF THE NORTH. 

The Southern States have heretofore known little 
enough of the ISTorth ; from which we infer that our 
summer visitors from those regions have either been 
too intent upon their juleps, or too much engrossed in 
purchasing merchandize, to carry back for the en- 
lightenment of their stay-at-home neighbors much 
valuable fruit of intelligent observation. We remem- 
ber to have met and to have conversed with a clever 
Yankee woman who undertook to teach the ideas of 
half a dozen boys and girls to shoot, upon a Virginian 
plantation. She told us that the general opinion of 
those about her was that we are so poor and so mean 
that we are ready to do almost anything for a shilling, 
and absolutely anything for two shillings and six- 
pence. So we find at this time the Southern news- 
papers roaring in a fussy and fiery way about " hordes" 
of Northern "mercenaries" sent to cut the general 
Southern throat. Upon these two words innumerable 
changes are rung, and of them two comments will 
dispose. 

" A horde," according to our idea, is a gang of men 
intent upon plunder ; and " hordes" usually go where 
there is something beside "niggers" to steal. Home 
was a fair prize for the Goths ; but all the Confeder- 



THE NORTHERN MERCENARIES. 145 

ate States together would hardly furnish " loot" enough 
for a pair of rapacious regiments — certainly not enough 
to tempt men from the comforts of home to the dis- 
comforts of the field. Nine-tenths of the wealth of 
the South is in fancy human stock ; of no particular 
value to the soldier of fortune — of no value at all to 
the patriotic Northern volunteer. Mercenary, indeed ! 
These noble soldiers who have just left home and 
comfort and their loved ones to fight the battle of 
the Constitution, asking no recompense but the 
consciousness of rectitude — mercenaries! If so, then 
Warren and "Washington, then Hamilton and Schuy- 
ler were mercenaries! If so, who would not be a 
mercenary ? 

The men of the North know indeed the value of 
money. They know what it will do ; and they know, 
as Southern rebels will find out to their cost, just the 
right time to spend it. History hardly records such 
a profuse, yet enlightened liberality as that which the 
Northern States have exhibited. It is hardly an ex- 
aggeration to say, that the entire wealth of cities and 
towns, of private corporations and of individuals, has 
been tendered to the Government upon its own terms. 
We do not believe there are ten thousand persons in 
Massachusetts who have given nothing or done noth- 
ing for the cause. And that which is true of Massa- 
chusetts is true of every other free State. Mercena- 
ries, indeed ! We do not have to put the screws upon 
our bank directors here to obtain a public loan. There 
is a race of giving and a competition of munificence. 

This in time will, we hope, satisfy our quondam 
7 



146 FATAL MISTAKES. 

"brethren in Virginia, South. Carolina and other terri- 
tories of the United States, that we are not so miser- 
ably poor as they have been kind enough to suppose. 
After all we have given to the sacred cause of Law 
and Order, we have still a dollar or so left ; and can 
even borrow a little should our present stock fail us. 
But we have hardly touched the popular pocket yet. 
So the sooner the subjects of Jefferson Davis stop lay- 
ing that particularly flattering unction to their souls 
— that silly notion that we are exceedingly poor — the 
less they will by-and-by be disappointed. Our prop- 
erty is n't fugacious— has n't two legs — does n't run 
away or get sick and die. 

Another Southern notion is that the moment we 
begin to be pinched and bread to grow dear, we shall 
all be under the domination of King Mob and his 
army of starving artisans. They do not seem to take 
into account the fact which they w T ill be sternly com- 
pelled to take into account ere long, that war will 
make employment for our able-bodied men. If there 
should be mobs the law will put them down, just as 
at the South mobs put down the law. 

Still another Southern mistake is that the rebellion 
has a powerful party at the North. Slavery once had 
such a party ; but men, whatever may be their Pro- 
Slavery views, do not care to be themselves slaves. 
The North is pretty well united now by a common 
danger. Here and there a grumbler pursues his avo- 
cation, but he is careful not to be loud in the indul- 
gence of his favorite pastime. Thus far, there is really 
no difference of opinion worth mentioning. 



"DE LTJNATICO INQUIBENDO." 14? 

One Southern newspaper now before lis says : " The 
North is mad." In one sense, it certainly is — some- 
what angry it certainly is ; but we have all around 
us at all hours of the day and night, cumulative evi- 
dence that there is a method in this Northern mad- 
ness. For lunatics, we are getting on remarkably 
well. From that eminent lunatic, Winfield Scott, 
down to private dotards in the ranks, there is no 
alarming evidence of insanity. Northern theories of 
liberty and of human equality seem to be hardening 
into pretty substantial practice. 

The tone of the Southern newspapers, when speak- 
ing of the wealthy, intelligent and patriotic North as 
one great anarchy, and of the Northern people as " a 
godless mob" of " Puritans, Freelovers, Abolitionists, 
Mormons, Atheists and Amalgamationists," has given 
the gentlemen who have cast away the slave-whip for 
the sword quite a mistaken notion of our resources as 
well as of our character. Consequently, having said to 
us in the elegant language of Marshal Eynders, u We 
do n't believe a word in your d — d philanthropy," they 
consider that by saying so they have floored us. We beg 
leave to announce to them that they will find no free- 
love in our fire-arms, no irreligion in our revolvers, 
no theories in our bombardments, no Mormonism in 
our musketry, no cant in our commissariat, and no 
niggardliness in our military chests. We are not wild 
Indians — we are not all mulattoes — we are not all 
mere shop-keepers — we are not all misers — we are 
not all mobocrats — some of us at least are honest 



148 FALSE CHARGES. 

men, with no particular inclination to be beaten, but 
with a decided inclination to resist injury. 

April 29, 1861. 



ALEXANDER THE BOUNCER. 

All great men have their weak side. Alexander of 
Macedon was given to grog. Alexander, of Georgia, 
V. P. C. S., is given to gammon. His weakness is 
" to say the thing that is not" — this being the peri- 
phrastical way in which Dean Swift's fastidious 
Houyhnhnms always spoke of falsehood and of falsi- 
fiers. The Hon. V. P. Alex. Ham. Stephens upon 
arriving at Atlanta, Ga., was "received by a large 
crowd ;" and in return he ungratefully made a speech 
calculated largely to delude the " large crowd," and 
considerably to lower himself in the estimation of 
old-fashioned folk with a prejudice in favor of the 
truth. From a great variety of mendacities, we select 
the following as being, to use the words of Goldsmith, 
the " damnable bounce" of the occasion. 

" A threatening war is upon us, made by those who have 
no regard for right. We fight for our homes ! They for 
money. The hirelings and mercenaries of the North are all 
hand and hand against you." 

IsTow, Stephens, what did you mean by that ? Is 
not Washington just as much the home of the Massa- 
chusetts man as of the Georgian ? You took a pretty 
long journey to Virginia to persuade men from the 



ALEXANDER CROSS-EXAMINED. 149 

path, of honor and of loyalty. Were yon at home 
there ? And if so, why are not onr New York and 
other regiments at home in Washington ? And be- 
ing there, to defend what should be the home of every 
true American citizen, and is to all intents and pur- 
poses the home of his representatives, by what au- 
thority, upon what pretense, do you call these con- 
sistent and courageous men " mercenaries and hire- 
lings !" "What is the " hireling ?" One who serves 
for wages. Has the Seventh Regiment gone to Wash- 
ington upon a money-making excursion 1 Have all 
these brave fellows enlisted for the sake of pay, which 
is about as much, per annum as some of them could 
at their proper avocations make in a month — to say 
nothing of risk to health and life — nothing of absence 
from their families ? " Hirelings," forsooth ! When 
you go to the Confederate treasury to draw your 
quarter's salary, O Alexander — mind, we do not say 
that you will get it — pray will you then be a hireling ? 

Mercenaries are those who are " retained as serving 
for pay" — as, for example, Jefferson Davis, Alexander 
H. Stephens and other Confederate notabilities — for 
pay of some kind they certainly intend to get, either 
in praise or power or pence. The soldiers of the 
United States may receive a pittance; but if this 
sweet squad of Confederate officials are not merce- 
nary, why are our brave militia-men mercenary ? — 
our soldiers extemporised from the field, the factory 
and every haunt of industry ? Answer that question, 
Alexander ! 

The rapidity with which an Italian buffo-singer can 



150 ECONOMY OF THE TRUTH. 

deliver the words of his song is tediously slow in com- 
parison with Mr. Stephens's volubility of untruths. 
If we might speak a little coarsely, being somewhat 
provoked, we would say that he lies like lightning. 
He told the Atalantese a succession of Munchausen 
stories — how Maryland had resolved "to a man to 
stand by the South"— how " all the public buildings 
in Washington have been mined for the purpose of 
destroying them" — how an attempt had been made 
" to burn the whole city of Norfolk" — how only the 
interposition of Providence prevented a second " con- 
flagration of Moscow." All these agreeable and in- 
genious fictions and Fernando-Mendez-Pinto-ish rec- 
reations were strangely diversified by strong threads 
of piety and patronizing allusions to the Deity, com- 
plimentary observations on Providence, with little 
prayers here and there interpolated. In fine, a more 
curious olla of a speech we, who have read many 
speeches, do not remember. So having finished — 
that is, having exhausted his invention — the Vice- 
President went to bed to dream in a good, improving, 
orthodox way of Ananias and Sapphira. 

Mercenaries of the North! — hirelings of New Eng- 
land, of New York, of Pennsylvania ! " Goths and 
Vandals" though, according to Gov. Pickens, you be, 
pray, whatever may happen, try to tell the truth. 
See what a mean figure V. P. Alexander cuts, stand- 
ing in a tavern balcony, retailing silly gossip to his 
gaping dupes ! 

A lie is like a tumbler of soda-water. It foams 
and frizzes, and is palatable at first, but in a moment 



SLAVE-HOLDING CHI VALET. 151 

is only fit to be thrown out at the window. Thus far the 
Southern Confederacy has been mainly maintained 
by public fibs, by private fibs, by the fib telegraphic, 
the fib editorial, the fib diplomatic, the fib epistolary 
and the fib oratorical. We think that there must 
have been many Gascons among the original founders 
of South Carolina, and if so, how have they improved 
upon their ancestors ! — upon those worthy people who 
did now and then tell the truth by accident ! 

May 11, 1861. 



ROUNDHEADS AND CAVALIEK3. 

"What is chivalry ? What is a chevalier ? Why, be- 
cause a person is a man-owner should he be styled a 
horseman ? Or why call him a chevalier, if you come 
to that, simply because he is an ass ? What is there 
in the fact that a man is tolerably white and lives in 
Virginia, by the toil of others, which should induce 
The London Spectator, for instance, to liken liim to 
Prince Rupert or to Peveril of the Peak ? Or to go 
further back, if you look into the charming pages of 
Froissart, you do not find that Sir Robert de ITamur 
tarred and feathered anybody ; that John of Gaunt 
owned " niggers ;" that Sir Charles de Montmorency 
was addicted to cock-tails before breakfast, or that 
Lord Robert d 5 Artois was a tavern-brawler. The 
fascinating chronicle tells you of " honorable enter- 
prises, noble adventures and deeds of arms;" but 
such really do not remind you of anything done by 



152 OLD DOMINION CHEVALIERS. 

Preston Brooks, or Henry A. Wise or John Tyler. 
Even if the English " Cavaliers' 5 did " plant Maryland 
and Virginia," which is not true, although so often 
and so confidently asserted, the condition of very con- 
siderable portions of both of those States would seem 
to indicate a sad deterioration of the blood, through 
the admixture of that of several Royal African houses 
and overthrown black Stuarts. With all their faults, 
neither few nor small, the English cavaliers were 
gentlemen, and did neither mean things nor cruel 
ones, as the Virginia cavaliers continually do. The 
English cavalier would have been ashamed to get into 
a tempest, torrent and whirlwind of wrath with a 
woman — some small school-mistress, perchance, who 
had offended him by going to conventicle ; the Eng- 
lish cavalier would have thought it a work below his 
condition to arrest pedlars or to confiscate their packs ; 
the English cavalier would have scorned captious and 
unreasonable disloyalty to a long-established govern- 
ment ; and the English cavalier, with as many pecu- 
lations on his shoulders as now weigh down those of 
Eloyd, would hardly have attended at any court ex- 
cept a Court of Justice. In short, the English cava- 
lier was generally a gentleman, and the Virginian 
cavalier is generally not a gentleman — a pretty broad 
distinction. This Virginian gentleman, as the vulgar 
error paints him — frank and generous to a fault, of 
speckless honor, and even of a religious turn, quick 
to resent a vile action, no matter where or by whom, 
committed — this Sir Roger de Coverley, of the 'New 
orld, does not now exist, even if he ever existed ; 



MISREPRESENTING THE PURITANS, 15 



n 



and figure as lie may in those dreadful novels which 
only "Virginians can write, his form and embodiment 
could not be found in the Old Dominion, although, 
for his production, a considerable premium were of- 
fered to the exhausted treasury of that province. He 
is a myth now, perhaps he always was. 

Then, again, it is a great mistake to suppose that 
the opposition to slavery-extension, which the North- 
ern States exhibit, is purely a Puritan feeling ; for a 
deal of it is of old Dutch origin ; and more of it has 
grown up in spite of Puritan predilection for a literal 
interpretation of, and a strong respect for, the Hebrew 
Scripture. The truth is, so far as the Scriptural argu- 
ment is concerned, that the Puritanical spirits are at the 
South, and holding slaves there by virtue of perverted 
texts out of Genesis and Deuteronomy, and fine-spun 
theories about the curse of Canaan. The Puritan 
error, if such existed, happened to be precisely the 
error into which the philosophical and religious slave- 
holder always tumbles. He is the fanatic. He it is 
who, honestly perhaps, opposes his crude and inter- 
ested convictions to the decision of the rest of the 
world. He it is who repeats a spectacle — too often, 
alas! exhibited — a spectacle of the fondness with 
which human nature clings to a delusion all the more 
fondly because it is a delusion. All the world knows 
that the moral and economical argument is upon our 
side. Nobody supposes it to be right to enslave men, 
except those who have either a direct or indirect temp- 
tation to enslave men. "Which is nearest to that dark 
side of the Puritan character which Southern news- 

7* 



154 SLAVE-HOLDING SUICIDAL. 

papers sneer at — Dr. Fuller or Dr. "Wayland ? How 
much of a Hebrew was Dr. Channing ? On winch 
side is the Rabbi Eaphall himself ? 

Men seem inclined to take it for granted that the 
hostility to slavery is simply a religions one, and that 
every Abolitionist has become so through his moral 
convictions alone ; as if economy had had nothing to 
do with the matter ; as if it had been left undemon- 
strated that Slavery is bad policy ; as if there had not 
been a strong appeal to the Anti-Slavery pocket as 
well as the Anti-Slavery heart ; as if such books as 
" The Impending Crisis 5 ' had never been written or 
never read. But now all arguments against the insti- 
tution have been left behind by the fatuity of slave- 
holders themselves, who by their rude violence to the 
Constitution, and their intolerable disregard of the 
popular verdict, have shown that Slavery makes them 
the enemies of peace, of law and of order, and is 
therefore, through its influence in this way, the enemy 
of, and inconsistent with, social happiness. This re- 
sult, no matter from what point it may be viewed, is 
Utterly unnecessary. This Rebellion has come to 
demonstrate how terribly damaging Slavery is to so- 
cial character. The best friends, not merely of hu- 
man, but especially of Southern happiness, are those 
who seek to stay the hands of this madman, bent so 
resolutely upon self-destruction. 

June 6, 1861. 



WISE'S FLURRY. 155 

WISE CONVALESCENT. 

When, a few days since, we heard from Gov. Wise, 
he was in the hands of his medical man, taking his 
pills and potions with a perseverance and a punctual- 
ity which seems to have been rewarded ; for his Ex- 
cellency is now clothed at least, if not in his right 
mind, and is making speeches with all that lunatic 
force which has always, in the day of his bodily health 
and strength, characterized his frenzied eloquence, 
He took the field in his finest fulgurant style, at 
Richmond, Ya., on the 1st inst., though it is only 
lately through TJie Charleston (S. 0.) Courier that he 
reaches us in red-hot report. He followed Jefferson 
Davis, and in the matter of fuss and fire, he floored 
that official completely. In pure, unmitigated and 
sublimely inventive mendacity, we are inclined to 
think that Mr. Davis can give the Yirginian any 
odds, and then vanquish him ; but in the beautiful 
art of saying nothing and of seeming to say a great 
deal, Wise is still unsurpassed, nay, unapproached by 
any mortal. In this speech, he is especially sangui- 
nary ; for he spouts a campaign through the whole 
of it, and puts us to the stand in a peroration. It is 
all " fire," " blood," " the Lord of Hosts," " fiery bap- 
tism," " rivers of blood," and at the end of this, our 
inconsistent though brilliant orator, adds : " Be in 
no haste — no hurry and flurry." IsTo flurry, quoth 
he ! — that from a man who lives, moves and has his 
being in a flurry — who is, so to speak, an embodied 
flurry ! No hurry — that to men who have precipi- 



156 MB. DAVIS INCOHERENT. 

tated this wicked war, because they knew that the 
least delay would be fatal to their criminal hopes ! 
because they were afraid to give the Southern people 
an opportunity of thinking ! because time would surely 
show their injuries to be imaginary ! ISTo hurry and 
flurry ! Why, without these there would have been 
no secession of Virginia at all. Flurry was the be- 
ginning of it, and hurry was its consummation ! 

Both orators upon this occasion — both Davis and 
Wise — seem to take it for granted that Virginia has 
been dreadfully injured by the military movements 
of the Government in that State. They graciously 
permit us to fight, but insist upon themselves select- 
ing the field, planning our campaigns, and directing 
all our movements. For example, Davis, who has 
made Virginia the battle-field quite as truly as we 
have accepted it as such, says : " Upon every hill 
which now overlooks Richmond, you have had and 
will continue to have, camps containing soldiers from 
every State of the Confederacy ; and to its remotest 
limits every proud heart beats high with indignation 
at the thought that the foot of the invader has been 
set upon the soil of Old Virginia." That is to say : 
this General Davis has transported his forces — horses, 
foot-soldiers and artillery, to Virginia, to menace, and, 
if he can, to capture the Federal Capital, and when 
we meet him nothing daunted, he tells the Virginians 
that we have invaded their State ! There is an inco- 
herence about this which can hardly be referred to 
the utmost possible saturation in whisky. We should 
have permitted the unmolested concentration of one 



YANKEE COWARDICE. 157 

or two hundred thousand men upon this sacred soil 
of Virginia — we should have allowed Washington to 
fall an easy prey to the Confederate Army — we should 
have gone on considering a hostile State as neutral, 
while she was forging weapons for our destruction ; 
but as we did not do this, as we saw fit to meet the 
enemy upon his own soil before he could by his pres- 
ence pollute ours, we are invaders, we are merce- 
naries, we are assassins, we are incendiaries. Why do 
not the fire-eaters of Yirginia, instead of complain- 
ing, thank us for giving them so large a provision of 
their favorite diet ? What would they have said of 
us if we had kept quietly at home ? 

It is a blunder for a military man to boast. War 
is to a considerable extent a matter of fortune and 
mere chance — something at least which military his- 
torians admit, although they may not be able to de- 
fine it — must always be taken into account. Gover- 
nor Wise says that he is " a civil soldier' 9 — he is not, 
certainly, a soldier military enough to avoid say- 
ing : " Your true-blooded Yankee will never stand 
still in the presence of cold steel." To this we can 
make no retort without falling into the same error ; 
but we may safely suggest that men are not likely t(j 
run from an enemy whom, of their own free will and 
mere motion, they have traveled several thousand 
miles to meet. And when our armies have " ex- 
tended their folds" — we quote the Wise words — 
" around Yirginia as does the anaconda around his 
victim," we beg leave to suggest that the State has 
quite as good a chance of .remaining a victim as of 



158 DR. RUSSELL'S MISFORTUNES. 

becoming a victor. " The tools to him who can use 
them ;" but when a man or State or army has none, 
what then is to be done ? Governor Wise tells his 
soldiers to " get a spear — a lance ! Manufacture your 
blades from old iron, even though it be the tires of 
your cart-wheels. Get a bit of carriage-spring and 
grind and burnish it in the shape of a bowie-knife, 
and put it to any sort of a handle, so that it be strong 
— ash, hickory or oak." This looks desperate. When 
Gov. Wise says, " Take a lesson from John Brown !" 
when he condescends to say this, we think that a 
slightly milder style of boasting would be safer and 
more becoming. 

June 19, 1861. 



SLAVE-HOLDER'S HONOR, 



Dr. William H. Russell, the peripatetic philosopher 
and friend of The London Times ^ complains, if we 
may credit a telegram from Cairo " that his corres- 
pondence has been tampered with by the Rebels, his 
letters being altered, and in some cases not sent at 
gjl." Had this fact come sooner to the knowledge of 
Mr. Russell, it would, we fear, have diminished his 
relish for that celebrated bottle of Old Madeira which 
he drank near Charleston, and his appetite for the 
excellent official dinners eaten by him in Montgomery. 
If anything could diminish the self-satisfaction of 
The Thunderer, we should think it would be the 
publication of the fact that, for so many weeks, and 



STEALING FROM "THE TIMES." 159 

upon such a subject, its sacred columns have been 
controlled bj Davis, Cobb, and Benjamin. If any- 
thing could change to something like an inclination 
that stern neutrality which has puzzled us all, we 
should think it would be the discovery that in its 
august person, The Times has been made the victim 
of petty larceny by the descendants of Prince Rupert 
and other cavaliers. It may be an extenuation when 
a man intends to pick your pocket, that in pursuit of 
his purpose, he asks you to dinner, and accomplishes 
his nefarious project while you are cutting his mut- 
ton and sipping his champagne. We wish The 
Times joy of its high-toned thieves, of its larcenous 
cavaliers, of its cut-purses all of ancient families, of 
its sneaks all with unexceptionable pedigrees ! Mr. 
Russell is already at the West, and will soon be again 
at the North. We can promise that in neither quar- 
ter will his letters be in danger. He may write them 
with the perfect assurance that they will go forward 
to their destination unopened, and of course unalter- 
ed. We may be fanatics, but we do not steal ; we 
may be mere shop-keepers, but we do not tamper 
with the mails ; we may be bigots, but no letters are 
opened in our Post-Offices as they are in those of 
England and Russia. 

The stercoraceous power of Slavery to develop all 
the cardinal virtues, has received another illustration. 
Seedy patriots of Alabama, very much in debt to the 
ITorth, where distance from home lent an enchant- 
ment to their persons, and a power as of triple brass 
to their faces, feeling, when the miseries of maturity 



160 DARGAN' S LAW. 

came upon them, at once a disinclination and a dis- 
ability to meet their bills, have counseled with the 
Lord High. Chancellor Dargan of their State as to the 
propriety and legality of repudiating. There never 
was such a Chancellor for sagacity and profundity 
and erudition as Dargan is. Dargan says at once : 
" Do n't pay a red cent. These Northern creditors 
are public enemies. In the name of Justinian, I 
charge you to withhold the cash ! The Law of Nations 
forbids payment and so do I ! If you pay so much as 
a sixpence to your Northern creditors, I will have 
you indicted !" Pleasing opinion ! Every debtor re- 
fuses at once to pay, every bank to collect and every 
public notary to protest. 

Now, as between distinct and independent nations, 
actual belligerents, Dargan is right in his law, al- 
though it is a very barbarous law at the best. The 
hardships of war have been in many ways mollified, 
yet this vestige of ancient and savage hostilities still 
remains. But under the circumstances of the present 
conflict, there are two considerations — one moral and 
the other legal — which will suggest themselves to 
every intelligent and just man, even in the Confeder- 
ate States. How far, in the first place, have these 
hostilities been precipitated merely for the sake of 
avoiding just pecuniary obligations? How many 
men have become big-voiced Secessionists, because 
their pockets were empty and their promises to pay 
imminent ? Whatever hoar and antiquated Law, in 
the person of a perjured Chancellor, may say, the 
man who rebels in order that he may repudiate, is 



A REPUDIATING REBELLION. 161 

both a traitor and a swindler, and worthy of the 
jail should he escape the gibbet. In spite of Law, 
he is still a liar, and no possible number of pre- 
cedents can give him a sweet character. In a time 
of peace, as in a time of war, he wonld find some 
specious and sneaking excuse for avoiding his pro- 
mises to pay. 

In a war like the present there is no reason why 
obligations as between man and man should not re- 
main in fall force. It is true that Alabama has as- 
serted herself to be an independent State, but so, for 
most of the essential wants of trade, she has always 
been. Our merchants could only sue her citizens in 
her own courts, except under accidental circumstan- 
ces. She does not pretend, no seceding State can 
philosophically claim, to have so altered her political 
relations that foreign creditors cannot collect de- 
mands in her own courts. It is claimed that the State 
of New York is a belligerent, and as a component 
part of the American Union, she undoubtedly is ; 
but it is not claimed, and it cannot be with truth, that 
hostilities exist between the States of New York and 
Alabama. The very tenacity with which Southern 
men cling to their doctrine of State Eights, is against 
them in this matter. "Why should the merchants of 
the separate States suffer by the acts of the General 
Government ? 

No : we believe that every honest Southern mer- 
chant — and there must be such — will pay his debts 
if he can, and as soon as he can hereafter if he cannot 
pay them now. This will, indeed, be the only safe 



162 THE FUTURE OF REPUDIATOBS. 

course for a business man in these parts to pursue. 
"Whenever peace is restored — it does not matter for 
the purposes of the argument in the least upon what 
terms — the Southern trader must come to New York 
to buy, or to Philadelphia, or Boston. He must come 
either with cash or clean hands, and something better 
than a thief s record, if he would be sure of obtaining 
merchandize. Every repudiator will be known at 
the counters of trade, and instead of being wined, and 
dined, and smiled upon, and trusted, he will be met 
coldly, and as frigidly informed that the " terms are 
cash." Repudiation will then be found to have been 
a most costly luxury, and it is pretty certain that a 
man who cannot command credit in New York would 
be as badly off in Richmond or Charleston, although 
these cities should become flourishing marts. The 
taint of the swindler will stick to him, and those who 
now applaud will be the last to trust him. Trade is 
based upon private honor, and there is not a market 
in the world which will not be shut against the mer- 
chants of Alabama for fifty years to come. This is 
the stubborn fact which no amount of bluster can 
alter. 

John B. Floyd, for instance, Brigadier-General, 
Confederate Army, is there a single man doing busi- 
ness in this city, no matter what may be his politics, 
is there a single man who would trust John B. Floyd 
to keep his cash ? who would give him any respon- 
sible situation in his counting room? -who would even 
allow him to be in the counting-room without some- 
body to watch him ? And really after this decision, 



THE GREGORIAN POLICY. J 63 

is there a tailor in 'New York who would trust 
Chancellor Dargan for a pair of breeches ? States 
repudiating their obligations must in the long ran pay 
for the little luxury. 

June 23, 1861. 



NO QUESTION BEFORE THE HOUSE. 

We live in an age of extraordinary political exhibi- 
tions ; and he whose appetite for novelty is the near- 
est insatiate, will have no cause to complain of the 
variety of the entertainment. As human nature for- 
bids a perpetual torture and tension of anxiety, we 
must sometimes laugh though matters may be at the 
worst ; and the satirists of England have already 
taught us to laugh at the British House of Commons 
— a body with wonderful talent for impaling itself 
upon the horns of a dilemma, and for wriggling it- 
self out of the difficulty with no marked regard either 
for dignity or decent consistency. There is a farce 
called " The Two Gregories ;" but we do not believe 
that off the stage there were ever two Gregories so 
absolutely Gregorian as the Gregory of the Imperial 
Parliament — the honorable member for Galway. 
Gregory of Galway fell an early victim to the charms 
of the Southern Confederacy, and loving, however 
well, not in the least wisely, he was for its instant 
recognition and admission into the community of in- 
dependent powers. He put his passion into a motion, 
and he put his motion before the House ; but when 



164 SXftB DIE. 

the time came for putting the unhappy motion to the 
House, Mr. Gregory discovered that the House de- 
sired to have nothing to do with the motion afore- 
said. The demand for its withdrawal though civil 
was peremptory. Mr. Gregory made an affecting 
speech, complaining that the Southern Confederacy 
was " accused of unwarrantable secession, and its 
members were called traitors and perjurers." " With- 
draw I" cried the House. " I will/' said Mr. Greg- 
ory. "Sine die /" cried the House. " I will," said 
Mr. Gregory. And the subject dropped. 

Now, for our own part, although the manipulation 
of this red-hot resolution might have been a delicate 
and difficult business, we are sorry that it was not 
kept in hand just a little while longer. Mr. Gregory 
should have made another speech. He should have 
informed the House and the world what, in his opin- 
ion, treason is. He should have given his private 
notion of perjury. He should have shown what there 
is in the great American roguery which elevates it 
to virtue — what there is in the forswearing of States 
which differs from the perjury of individuals — in 
what way our Government has provoked a civil war ; 
or, if he failed to show that, how the Southern seces- 
sion is to be taken out of the category of wicked and 
noisome revolt. But the House was too wise to per- 
mit debate. If it had done so, we should doubtless 
have found some champion ready to utter disagree- 
able truths, and to chop the invincible logic of the 
facts. Then nothing but the want of clear statement 
could have saved the make-shift management of a 



CONDEMNATION WITHOUT TBIAL. 165 

few shop-keeping men from the contempt which it 
deserved, and from the indignation of the British 
people. It would have been shown how many sacri- 
fices — some of them, indeed, inconsistent with politi- 
cal probity — have been made by the Northern peo- 
ple, that, if possible, this conflict might be averted. 
Tersely, but triumphantly, Congressional history 
might have been adduced — Gag-Resolutions, Com- 
promise Tariffs, Fugitive Slave Laws, Kansas-Ne- 
braska bills and all ! It might have been shown, for 
the truth is of record, that the Republican Party, 
though exasperated as never political party was be- 
fore, by gratuitous calumnies and unprecedented 
wrongs, protested with its whole force against the 
apprehension of slaveholders, as the excess of injus- 
tice and of idle fear. An untried Administration 
could do but little, except protest ; yet, by all fair 
laws of political warfare, it was entitled to the bene- 
fit of its protest, and to an opportunity of proving its 
ability to carry on the government, and of its desire 
to carry it on in a just and wise spirit. Certainly 
a slow and cautious House of Commons would have 
rated at its proper value the precipitancy of this 
spasmodic uprising — would have weighed and found 
wanting in all elements of integrity and honor, men 
who commenced debate on civil affairs by drawing 
the sword. After such an exposition, however bald 
and defective, Mr. Gregory would hardly have talked 
again of the cruelty and injustice of branding the 
Confederate Catilines as perjurers and traitors. They 
are both. No amount, no ingenuity of special plead- 



166 THE VERDICT OF THE FUTURE, 

ing, can alter the patent and indelible fact. "When 
the history of these distracted times shall be written, 
as it will be by those who are already gathering ma- 
terials for the labor, the petty contemporary interests 
which now becloud men's judgments, will have passed 
away. Should that history disclose the Confederate 
Slave States as proper objects of Anglo-Saxon es- 
teem and sympathy, and our own Government as 
inhuman and unchristian, then the whole world is 
all wrong as to right, and public morality is the 
most pitiable of mistakes. If it shall be decided 
that a civil war waged in the name of Freedom for 
the extension of Slavery was holy, necessary and 
just, we hope for consistency's sake, when civilized 
Europe no longer calls itself Christian, and when the 
Anglican Church has embraced the faith of Moham- 
med, that such a decision will be made, and not 
before. 

Then, indeed, should a House of Commons yet re- 
main in Great Britain, it will be perfectly proper if 
any member is old-fashioned enough to speak of in- 
ternational honor, for the Speaker to call him per- 
emptorily to order, and to remind him that there is 
" no question before the House." But now when we 
consider the historical, the commercial, the literary, 
and even the political ties which bind the best part 
of the British with the best part of the American 
people ; when we remember too, that the English 
Government has not thus far kept silence upon 
American affairs, and has announced a policy, or the 
puzzling similitude of a policy ; when we reflect that 



NATIONS MUST SAVE THEMSELVES. 167 

all the diplomacy of Downing Street cannot in this 
contest keep England in an affected posture of cold 
and unsyrnpathizing neutrality forever ; we confess 
that this shrinking from a sore subject assumes in 
our eyes an unpleasantly craven aspect, and argues 
a very un-English faith in hand-to-mouth expedients. 
But while we feel thus, we feel, too, that if the Ameri- 
can Republic cannot maintain itself without the en- 
couragement, and we may say the patronage of for- 
eign nations, the sooner it falls into final and hopeless 
and undistinguished ruin, the better. God is said to 
help those who help themselves ; and most nations 
are respected in proportion to their ability to sustain 
themselves without external leagues and amities. If 
we can fight this battle at all, we can fight it alone. 
Subsidies, arms, armies, the offerings of foreign States, 
we have not asked for, and have neither wish nor 
right to ask for; but that moral countenance, the 
best gift that one great nation can bestow upon 
another, we have a right to expect from England ; 
nor do we think it will be refused us by that portion 
of the nation the good will of which is best worth 
having. 

June 24, 1861. 



168 LAY ON SOFTLY! 

BELLA MOLLITA— SOFT VfAR. 

When Osric, the water-fly, called upon Hamlet to 
arrange the tilt with Laertes, he did not forget to speak 
in high terms of the latter as " an absolute gentle- 
man, full of most excellent differences, of very soft 
society and great showing — the card or calendar of 
gentry." There are some men, and some of them are 
journalists, who, having all their lives been accus- 
tomed to speak of slaveholders and slaveholding in 
their mealy-mouthed way, cannot now, in the very 
tempest of the national danger, change to something 
like a masculine tone. The Northern corpses upon 
the fields of Yirginia appeal to them in vain. Men 
and women driven from their Southern homes because 
of their Northern birth and blood, appeal to them in 
vain. They shut their eyes to things vulgarly dis- 
honest — to ignoble repudiations and gratuitous bank- 
ruptcies, and to an official treachery almost without 
a precedent in history. " Fight !" they say to our 
noble volunteers — " but fight with foils ! Fire ! but 
fire with blank cartridges ! Lay on, Macduff ! but 
lay on softly !" How many times already have we 
been reminded that the rebel Southerners are our 
brethren ! This may be, according to certain codes, 
a reason for not fighting with them at all ; but a con- 
test once undertaken, we respectfully submit that they 
have ceased to be brethren, and have become simply 
enemies. Brothers who dispatch the wounded and 
mutilate the slain are not of that intensely fraternal 
pattern which is worthy of the highest reverence. 



THE SPOILS OF WAR. 169 

They are entitled to whatever consideration the laws 
of war permit — not one jot or tittle more. 

But there is one particular of tender solicitude 
which we confess we do not well understand ; and 
that is the hot haste in which some of our generals 
return fugitive slaves. Why is this species of prop- 
erty to be given up more than munitions of war ? A 
black man who can dig, cook and assist in general 
camp-work, is certainly quite as valuable to keep/br 
one's self and from one's enemy as a gun, a cask of 
powder or a horse. Slaves in all ages have always 
been among the spoils of war ; and if we can obtain 
them without fighting for them, in fact, by their run- 
ning to us, so much the better. If, by the fortune of 
war, a Yirginian rebel has his house burned, is it the 
intention of Congress to soothe his grief by building 
him another domicil ? Why not, if you are also bound 
to restore to him his runaway negroes ? There may 
be a difference, but we do not see it. 

The truth is, the flippant gentlemen who undertake 
to assure the South that this war at its honorable con- 
clusion will leave slave property in statu quo^ exceed 
their commissions. They are promising utter impos- 
sibilities. Under any circumstances — the Southern 
Confederacy established or overthrown — the strength 
of the institution of Slavery can never be what it has 
been. The South is utterly bankrupt now ; but in 
what a condition will it be when it has lost the ad- 
vantage of perhaps half-a-dozen crops ; and is crushed 
under an enormous public debt, which must be paid 
by taxes on negroes or not paid at all ! On the other 



170 TAKING NOTHING. 

hand, admitting the States which have seceded to 
have been reduced to wholesome obedience to the 
Constitution, Slavery can never again be an auto- 
cratic, domineering and impudent power. On the 
contrary, it will understand — for this is the lesson 
which reverses will teach — it will understand, that it 
holds its very existence by the tenure of good behav- 
ior. In one of these ways or the other, Slavery may 
be affected by the war. 

And why not ? Why should a war about Slavery 
be begun, continued and ended, leaving Slavery just 
where it was ? If the free States are to have no pro- 
tection in the future from the aggressions of Slavery 
— if all the weary work of the last thirty years is to 
be done over a«;am, with its agitations, excitements, 
mobs and lynchings — -with its corruption of the souls 
of public men — with its quadrennial struggle and 
with its Congressional conflicts, peace will be no peace, 
and treaties misnomers. The Republican party in a 
great majority in all the States in which it has an ex- 
istence at all, has always claimed that slaveholders 
were unreasonable in their demands. Will peace 
bring no change ? If so, peace will bring either dis- 
union or dishonor. 

At any rate it does not seem to us that this is a time 
in which to crook the hinges of the knee. For the 
present the seceding States must be regarded exactly 
as they are— as forsworn and mutinous members of 
the Union, and as such entitled to no more considera- 
tion than it may be politic to show them. A consid- 
erable portion of the white population of these States 



FIGHTING WHILE WE FIGHT. Ifa 

has forfeited its life. The returning supremacy of 
the laws in any other land would be followed by 
wholesale judicial executions, which by law written 
and by law common would be justified here. We are 
not aware that these criminals, after causing an 
amount of suffering which the agonized mind refuses 
to compute, are entitled to a sort of Jack Sheppard 
sympathy, though it come from no higher source than 
The Day Booh newspaper. You may be reasonably 
sure, when you hear a man bewailing the wrongs of 
South Carolina, that he has no particular affection 
for New York, though it may, by courtesy, call him 
a citizen. 

The time for soothing promises and carminative 
compromises was when such negotiation was possible. 
The patchers-up of peace had full swing — and what 
did they do ? They talked morning and evening, in 
season and out of season, well and badlv — but what 
did they accomplish ? They filled an immense num- 
ber of pages in The Congressional Globe, but they 
" took nothing." It was then proposed to fight — and 
fight away ! say we, in God's name, and may He help 
the right. Whatever may be the distresses and in- 
conveniences of fighting, we should have thought of 
them before beginning. 

" How uncertain 
The fortune of a war is, children know." 

But about the cause in which we are engaged, 
there is no uncertainty. The Government of the coun- 
try is pitted against the government of the plantation 



172 COLLEGES COLLAPSING. 

— Freedom against Slavery — Simple Right against 
Complex Wrong ; and it is better to perish with the 
Government, with Freedom and with Eight, than to 
yield for a single day to a coarse and arrogant domi- 
nation. 

July 31, 18G1. 



THE HUMANITIES SOUTH. 

Arms have it all their own way in the regions of 
renegade revolt, throughout which the toga is uncere- 
moniously discarded. Even the Bt. Eev. Father in 
God, Polk, of Louisiana, as our readers already know, 
has discarded godly lawn for golden lace and the Lives 
of the Saints for Scott's Tactics. But now sadder 
news comes to us. The Southern colleges and uni- 
versities are giving up their erudite ghosts in every 
direction. Upon the authority of The JVew Orleans 
True Witness , a religious sheet, we have to state with 
pain that Oakland College, a celebrated Haunt of the 
Muses, is no more — that La Grange College, a re- 
nowned Seat of Learning in. Tennessee, is also de- 
funct — that Stewart College, an Academic Grove in 
Tennessee, has also been cut down in the full foliage 
of its usefulness — that the University of Mississippi, 
at Oxford, is sitting like a bereaved mother, with no- 
body at her generous bosom ; and that the Centenary 
College, at Jackson, La., no longer dispenses crumbs 
of culture in that part of the world. 



CLASSICAL LEARNING AT FAULT. 1^3 

These venerable piles arc all deserted ; no more 
tlieir ancient rafters ring to the song of 

"Propria quce maribus had a little clog ; 
Quid esse was Ms name/' 

Sucking Southerners have ceased with tottering steps 
there solemnly and studiously to pass over the Pons 
Asinorum. The ardent youths have all gone to the 
wars ; and the no less ardent Faculties have thrown 
away their spectacles and followed suit. This, it 
must he allowed, is a classical collapse and a mathe- 
matical mischance, and a sad stroke to Sacred The- 
ology ; and especially to that branch of the latter 
upon which the Divine Institution of Slavery is 
builded. Heretofore, it must be confessed, the Patri- 
archs have leaned upon learning to the extent of their 
acquirements. They have flogged and begotten yel- 
low bastards, and then sold them not with caution 
covert, but in market overt, without a misgiving ; 
and they have done this upon strict Abrahamic prin- 
ciples partly, and partly because the Greeks and Ro- 
mans did so, to say nothing of the Barbarians. 

But now ethnology, chronology, philology and ar- 
chaeology have all come to grief in these demesnes 
which they once did so illustrate ; and Dr. Fuller, if 
he really does want to serve the cause, should at once 
convert his useless lexicons and chrestomathies into 
cartridges, and give his whole stack of ancient ser- 
mons to the same sacred service. What is a classical 
point to a Colt's pistol ? a text to a trumpet ? the Sa- 



174 THE BLISS OF IGNORANCE. 

cred Canon to a rifled-cannon ? Philemon to fighting ? 
why bother about Ham when you have a chance to 
hammer the heads of the confoundedly illiterate Yan- 
kee Doodles ? 

To be sure, it may be urged, that whereas the 
Southern neophytes and other students have hereto- 
fore mainly resorted for polish and illumination to 
Northern seminaries, it is not wise, since they can 
no longer do so, to permit the Southern rills of learn- 
ing, however thread-like, to be choked. We take a 
different ground. The South is fighting for the sweet 
satisfaction of continuing in a semi-barbaric condi- 
tion. It is attempting to found a republic, not upon 
knowledge, but knavery. It means to ignore the 
Law of God, sometimes called the Higher Law, and 
why should it study theology ? It intends to tram- 
ple upon the rights of man, and what has it to do 
with law natural, civil or common ? It has surren- 
dered itself to a coarse and bestial inhumanity, and 
why should it crave the sweet influences of philos- 
ophy and of poetry ? It has need to study but one 
science — the science of oppression — and the hard hu- 
man heart, in that branch of learning, has in all ages 
been its own best teacher. It scoffs at all which has 
made the Nineteenth Century the cultured child of 
the past and the hopeful mother of the ages to come ; 
and of what value to such a nation will be the record 
of human triumphs or of human reverses ? Why 
should it waste its time and treasure in the erection 
of stately colleges and academic cloisters, when to the 
brutal eye of its wealthiest citizens., the finest archi- 



DAHOMEY THE FOUNDER. 175 

tecture is to be found in slave-lints and barracoons % 
Why should it gather together libraries when there 
is not one printed book of value in this world 5 which 
is not an uncompromising reproach of that hideous 
social system, and an irrefragable argument against 
its possible perpetuity ? 

No : in a slaveholding Republic ignorance is bliss, 
and enlightenment must bring the torture of remorse 
and the trembling of fear. The prototype of the 
Southern slaveholder is the African King, who, 
gleaming with palm-oil and glorious in a painted 
skin, drives down to the shore his squalid files of 
shivering captives, and sells them to the missionary 
of civilization, whose pirate bark is anchored in the 
offing. The Monarch of Dahomey is the real founder 
of the Confederate States of America. Their en- 
lightenment, their theology, their civilization, their 
political economy, have all been learned of that hid- 
eous and howling savage ; and all they are, and all 
they pretend to be, and all they care to be, the 
barbarians of the Slave Coast have been before 
them. 

Yes : they do well to give up their colleges ; they 
will give up their churches next — and then— who 
knows? — perhaps their clothes! Given the inde- 
pendence of the Southern Confederacy, and who can 
assure us that within a century the governor of 
South Carolina will not kneel upon his naked knees, 
in all the splendor of a tattooed skin to adore some 
dirty little fetish idol ? Nations that have been civil- 
ized, and have lapsed into semi-civilization, are quite 



176 NOTION OF A SOLDIER. 

as likely to fall still farther backward as to go for- 
ward ; and there is a Power presiding over the 
world's affairs which can blight as well as bnild up, 
and which has declared that they who causelessly 
take up the sword, by the sword shall perish. 

Southern statesmen and soldiers, unless the down- 
fall which we have indicated shall be utterly precipi- 
tate, will learn in time that one idea of genuine politi- 
cal equity is worth all the armies of Xerxes or Napo- 
leon. The faith of the slaveholder is force, and so 
is his philosophy. Hence his notion of a well-armed 
soldier is of one who carries " one sword, two five- 
shooters, and a carbine. ?? This is actually the equip- 
ment proposed in The Richmond Whig for 10,000 
men who are " to carry fire and sword into the Free 
States." Why not add a full suit of chain-mail, a 
bow with arrows, a tomahawk, a scalping-knife, a 
lance, a dagger and a sword-cane! This idea of 
making a traveling arsenal of a soldier, is like a 
stage-manager's notion of a pirate, who is invaria- 
bly sent before the audience bending beneath weap- 
ons, offensive and defensive. It is an old-fashioned, 
barbarous conceit quite worthy of a people which has 
given up its universities and colleges. It is not by 
any means certain that we shall not have war-paint 
next ; or, perhaps, imitations of those terrific paste- 
board dragoons, wherewithal the unfortunate Chi- 
nese did not scare away the forces of the British 
Empire. The number of weapons which the stoutest 
and most alert soldier can effectively use, even in 
carrying fire and sword, is limited ; and we advise 



"THE TIMES" ON PLUNGING. 177 

the Ten Thousand to restrict themselves to single 
blades and a box of friction-matches for each. 

August 9, 1862. 



THE CHARGE OF PRECIPITANCY. 

The London Times says : " Though civil war is the 
most frightful of all wars, the Americans plunged into 
it with less concern than would have been shown by 
any European State in adopting a diplomatic quar- 
rel." In this little gem of malicious generalization, 
there is a lurking fallacy which divests the thunder 
of ail its terrors ; and which proves that a newspaper 
may be sufficiently pompous and at the same time in- 
sufficiently philosophical. " The Americans" — one 
would like to inquire civilly what this newspaper 
means by "Americans." Who "plunged" first — the 
United States or the Confederacy? Or did both 
plunge simultaneously ? Can a man who finds a thief 
in his chamber, and who jumps quickly from his bed, 
be charged with immoral " plunging ?" Were the 
measures of the Buchanan dynasty justly answerable 
to the censure of over-velocity ? Did we not diplo- 
matize ? debate ? hold conventions and propose com- 
promises? Was not this continued long after the 
Charleston batteries rendered the reinforcement of 
Gen. Anderson impossible? It is shameful to libel 
us in this way. No people ever shrunk from a war 
as we have shrunk from this. The seceding States, 
by the very act of secession, closed the door of adjust- 

8* 



178 TOO GOOD-NATURED BY HALF. 

merit in our face. The Convention of South Carolina 
passed the Ordinance of Secession on the 20th of De- 
cember, I860, at fifteen minutes past one o'clock in 
the afternoon ; and since that day and hour there has 
not been a moment when that State would, nay, 
when she consistently could, diplomatize. It is true 
that she sent her commissioners to Washington after- 
ward ; but she sent them as the representatives of an 
independent State. Then, indeed, we were not pre- 
cipitate enough. We contented ourselves with de- 
clining to receive this absurd commission, but we did 
not send its members instantly to prison, as we should 
have done, and as any other government would have 
done. Imagine three Irishmen arriving at St. James's 
with information that an Irish Republic had been 
established, of which they were the accredited repre- 
sentatives, charged with proposals for the dismember- 
ment of the British Empire ! They would be locked 
up as lunatics, or worse ; while we permitted men 
w^hose errand was a studied insult to our sovereignty, 
to depart in peace. Was there any " plunge" here ? 
If so, it was a very mild one. 

The attitude of South Carolina from the first was 
a declaration of war. The act which consummated 
her treason afforded no basis of reconciliation. It 
contained just eighty-two words. It was a naked de- 
fiance of the United States ; and could no more be 
explained away than a blow can be explained away 
among men of honor. It was a conclusion of the 
pleadings, and an offer of the ordeal of battle. North- 
ern men who had squandered their political fortunes 



BUT NOT HUMBLE ENOUGH. 179 

in the service of the South wept, persuaded, dissuaded 
and exhorted. There was flux of fine speech — an 
avalanche of propositions ! At all this South Caro- 
lina laughed, as, to be candid, she had a right to 
laugh. Of the wisdom or good taste of these appeals, 
we say nothing ; but we do say that they were made ; 
and that the public mind of the North was at one 
time in a condition which caused those who while 
they loved peace well, loved honor better, to tremble. 
Who, then, can fairly say that we " plunged" into 
this contest with unconcern ? 

But we committed, it seems, another offense. South 
Carolina merely indulged in treason — our crime was 
leze-majesty against taste. Our newspapers --"heaped 
every conceivable opprobrium upon Southerners," 
We did not sufficiently bate our breath. We did not 
softly enough whisper our humbleness. It was found 
that, Shylocks as we were, there was a lower depth 
of concession into which money could not tempt as. 
To tell the truth, we were a little afraid of the sar^ 
casms of our European critics, and we shrunk from 
the insolent leading-articles wherewithal, if we had 
been false to truth and honor, The Times would have 
regaled us. We thought that in the presence of such 
crimes, indignation was a virtue. Our catalogue of 
past grievances was a long one, and when the culmi- 
nation of them came, a people accustomed to no cen- 
sorship of speech, uttered its convictions with a rude 
energy which offended none but trimmers. To our 
credit be it said, we were a little out of patience. It 
was South Carolina that half murdered our Senators 



180 PEBFEGTL T JSTA TUBAL. 

in the Capitol ; it was South Carolina that rifled mail- 
bags, impressed our sailors, banished our citizens, and 
always stood ready to defy the general Government. 
We only lost our equanimity when a State which for 
nearly a century had been receiving our bounty with 
one hand and smiting us with the other, abandoned 
even the forms and shows of loyalty, and placed her- 
self in an attitude of unmistakable high treason. We 
were called upon to taste the bitter fruit of our latitu- 
dinarian policy — of our compromises and concessions 
—of patched-up peace and hollow truces. Then, we 
admit, we did not measure our words. We were in a 
condition too perilous for politeness of parlance. We 
became plain and downright, and called a spade a 
spade. It may have been wrong, but for all that it 
was very human. 

But this ready Jesuit of the London press having 
done the North all the mischief of which insinuated 
censure is capable, smilingly adds : " We consider 
that the course of events in the United States has 
been perfectly natural, and that Americans have only 
done what Englishmen or any other people, under the 
same conditions, would have done also." The world 
is wide ; intelligence crowds ; the size of newspapers 
is limited ; and one is at a loss to consider, why a lead- 
ing metropolitan journal should waste so much space 
in proving that Americans have acted as any other 
people under the same conditions would have acted. 
If in the management of our affairs we have not fallen 
below the standard of human intelligence, but on the 
other hand have done the precise thing which we 



THE ASSASSINATION PROJECT. 181 

were compelled to do, then we are at liberty to fall 
back upon the merits of the original question, and to 
demand of foreign nations a rigid and unswerving 
neutrality. Governments are not to be conducted 
by any infallible laws of success and failure; it is 
enough for ail the purposes of international comity 
if we, in the midst of our many distractions, approxi- 
mate to what is just and prudent. The right inten- 
tion and the resolute endeavor should secure the re- 
spect if not the alliance of every Christian nation. 

September 8, 1861. 



THE ASSASSINATION. 



Me. Edwaed Everett, in his eloquent and patriotic 
address before the Mercantile Library Association in 
Boston last Wednesday evening, admitted that in his 
opinion there was a plot to assassinate Mr. Lincoln 
before his inauguration, but with characteristic amia- 
bility, Mr. Everett added : " wholly without the priv- 
ity, I cheerfully believe, of the leaders of the Secession 
movement." One is loth, in these days of mental de- 
pression, to interfere with the " cheerful belief" of 
any man ; but is there a person of clear perceptions 
who does not also, if not cheerfully, at least certainly, 
believe that intelligence of the taking-off of the Presi- 
dent would to-day be received with rapture by " the 
leaders of the Secession movement" in Richmond? 
We must estimate men as they are. Would there be 



182 THE TEACHING OF THE PAST. 

anything more shocking to the moral sensibilities in 
the assassination of a President than in the assassina- 
tion of a Senator ? Does Mr. Everett, or any other 
gentleman, remember to have read in any Southern 
newspaper, or to have heard from any Southern states- 
man, a disavowal of the championship of Preston 
Brooks ? If so, he has been more fortunate than we 
have been. ¥e know, from our own observation, 
that the perpetration of that crime, concerning which 
Mr. Everett improved many occasions to speak elo- 
quently and properly, gave sincere pleasure to more 
than one Southern " leader." That Brooks meant mur- 
der, we have never doubted — the manner and the per- 
sistency of the assault would have proved so much in 
any police court this side of the Potomac. That Brooks, 
if he had accomplished murder, would have been in- 
dicted, tried, convicted and executed, he may think 
who pleases. The judicial record shows that the pen- 
alty imposed upon the culprit was shamefully dispro- 
portionate to the crime of w^hich he was found guilty. 
Many a man has gone to prison for life for precisely 
the same offense, and many, we suspect, for a lesser 
one. Mr. Brooks died in his bed, and outside the 
jail; and his mourning friends have erected to his 
green and fragrant memory a sky-pointing pyramid. 
For what? Why, for attempting an assassination. 
Would they have done less for its accomplishment ? 

There is hardly " a leader" — that is, a man who 
plays at being a leader of this crazy Confederacy — 
who has not fought duels, or engaged in bar-room 
brawls, or headed a lynching of some luckless Aboli- 



A QUESTIONABLE COMPLIMENT. 183 

tionist. Does Mr. Everett find it in his kindly nature 
even to believe, if these notable guides had been in- 
formed of the projected murder of the President, that 
they would have lifted a finger for its prevention 1 If 
not, then they were at any rate morally assassins, and 
did in theory aid and abet. Would lewd and un- 
known fellows have undertaken such a momentous 
enterprise without the sanction, tacit or implied, of 
their superiors in social position ? This is a question 
which the thinking reader can answer for himself. 

October 21, 1861. 



STRIKING AN AVERAGE. 

A certain newspaper emits the following gem of 
well-informed charity : " The people of the Southern 
States, if no better, are no worse, and certainly no 
more foolish than the average of mankind. 5 ' Con- 
sidering that the Average of Mankind eats its guests 
and even its grandfather ; worships idols ; goes in its 
own skin ; cannot comprehend that two and two 
make four ; is brutish, ignorant, sensual, thievish, 
gluttonous, improvident and superstitious, our pol- 
ished friends in Richmond will pant with pleasure 
at this comprehensive compliment. To us it seems 
about as foolish as the average folly of mankind. But 
if this writer, as we suppose, meant to say that the 
people of the seceding States, are no lower in the 
scale of civilization than the people of the other 



184 DEFINITION OF SECESSION 

States — the people of the State of Massachusetts, for 
instance — then we take Issue, and deny the truth of 
his assertion. In support of this denial, we refer to 
the Census Report, passim. If it shall be asserted 
that a people without schools can be as well educated, 
or a people without churches as religious, as a people 
with many schools and churches, why, he who as- 
serts it must be foolisher than that great fool, the Ave- 
rage of Mankind ! 

Without repeating here the Statistics of Mr. Olm- 
sted, who is a keen observer, we beg leave to refer 
the reader to the travels of "Porte-Crayon" in the 
Southern States, illustrated by his own clever pen- 
cil, and published in Harpers Monthly Magazine. 
The author is a Southern man, and so far an inter- 
ested witness ; and we are sure that nobody would 
have believed, but for his decisive testimony, in the 
barbarism to be found in North Carolina. 

But it is most convenient to argue directly from 
the point of Secession. The fact that it is a great 
crime without provocation, and a blunder almost idi- 
otic, knocks both nails on the head and clinches 
them. Secession is Wickedness and Ignorance. On 
the one hand, it is Passion, Pride, Ambition and 
Greed. On the other, it is Folly and Stupidity. The 
Seceders may not be any worse than the Hottentots, 
but in a certain sense they are no better. 

It will be said that Massachusetts has talked of 
seceding. This is not true. Certain men, some of 
them of tolerable culture, but none of them of much 
political account, may now and then have spouted 



VIRGINIA DEMOCRACY. 185 

nonsense ; but the popular mind of Massachusetts 
has never even approximately assented to the doe- 
trine. Her leading statesmen have always ardently 
disavowed it, and the Union has been a cherished 
sentiment of her people. 

But it will be said that the people of the Southern 
States have been deluded by the Southern aristocrats. 
So much the worse for their wisdom ! IsTobody ever 
thought a flock of sheep to be a flock of philosophers, 
because with multitudinous bleat they followed a silly 
bell-wether to destruction. Besides, what are the se- 
ceding States doing in this age and domain of De- 
mocracy, with Aristocrats ? Jefferson's Virginia, the 
pet daughter of Democracy, gone to the deuce to 
please her Aristocrats ! 

But no : again it will be said, you do not under- 
stand. The Virginian kind is a Democratic- Aristo- 
cratical Democracy — a Despotism tempered by mint- 
juleps, plug tobacco and "niggers." You must not 
suppose for a moment that the man with one nigger 
is obliged to obey the man with one thousand niggers 
— he only obeys because he delights to do so. Only 
he knows, this forlorn man with one nigger, if he 
offends the man with one thousand, that a dozen 
scamps with no niggers at all will be hired by the 
well - supplied Aristocrat to tar -and -feather, shoot, 
stab or hang, the poor man with one nigger. That's 
all ! That is Virginia Democracy ! As for South 
Carolina, why, we confess that she is our pet State. 
She never babbles of Democracy. Quoad niggers 
and poor whites, her refined, learned, rich, polished, 



186 SLAVERY'S DEMANDS. 

nice, noble Aristocrats believe in a Despotism, beside 
which, that of the Metternich school ripens into a 
kind of genial liberalism. Let her alone, and in five 
years we shall have the Court Guide of her Emperor 
illustrated by the names of Prince Pod, the Count 
of Cotton-Plant, Sir Robert Rice, and of many es- 
quired gentry. What will become of the Average 
of Mankind, poor fellow ! then, and in those swampy 
regions, we can only guess ; but we are disposed to 
think that there will be a rise in the whip-market of 
the Empire. 

It has been one of the chiefest causes of negro slav- 
ery in this country that it has demanded of the North, 
as well as the South, a general muddle of the human 
intellect, as the only safe, proper, constitutional cure 
of our complaint. This was natural, but none the 
less disgraceful. Thank Grod that at this end of the 
land at least, we shall hear no more, or not much 
more, of this dismal sophistry — this never-ending, 
still-recurring jangle of Inferior Paces—of the Curse 
of Canaan — of the Compromises of the Constitution, 
of which nobody can give us the name and nature. 
The swift besom of war has swept away much of this 
rubbish. We stand more nearly upon the ground of 
solid truth than we have for half a century past. 
This is at least encouraging. 

October 22, 1861. 



DISMAL FOREBODINGS. 187 

THE COMING DESPOTISM. 

The roving prophet of the great London newspaper, 
in a late letter, foretells remorselessly the downfall of 
the liberty of the Press in America. He has had con- 
versations with some Army-officer who told him that 
presently the army would come to New York, and 
suppress, by violence, all criticism of military move- 
ments. After the accomplishment of this enterprise, 
we are told, the Army will proceed to establish a 
Despotism and exalt a Dictator. After this — but 
here the prophet stops, most provokingly, we think ; 
for while the fit was on him, it would have been 
obliging if he had treated us to a couple of columns 
more of the mysterious future. It is merely tantaliz- 
ing to have a Bickerstaff at all, if we are to be put off 
with less than ten hundred Olympiads. And yet, 
for our own humble part, we must confess to a toler- 
able degree of quietude. The newspaper press is its 
own champion aud watchful sentry ; and it will take 
care for that liberty by the tenure of which it exists. 
The task is not, indeed, so hard a one as it was in 
England not many years ago, when Lord Eldon was 
accustomed to send to Newgate every editor who 
thought Bonaparte a better general than the Duke 
of York. In the advance of civilization, certain facts 
become philosophically settled ; and among these is 
the fact that when one newspaper is tyrannically 
suppressed, ten, still more obnoxious, are sure to take 
its place. It may happen, indeed, as a matter of 
mere military policy, that the Government may feel 



188 THE LIMITS OF CENSORSHIP. 

compelled, during the existence of actual war, to con- 
trol the circulation of journals openly in tlie interest 
of the enemy ; but the right to do this, by no means 
implies the right to prevent the discussion, in good 
faith, of any public policy. ISTo Government can be 
expected to become the common carrier, in a time of 
extreme danger, of libels aimed at its very life. But 
there is an easily perceptible distinction between an 
attack upon the existence of a Government, and a 
criticism of its measures. Every Administration ex- 
pects and tolerates opposition. It is the mischievous 
hostility which is not content with less than a blow 
at the whole political fabric, which must be restrain- 
ed. This distinction the American people, ever jeal- 
ous of their civil rights, well enough comprehend. 

It is easy, certain things being conceded, to suppose 
plausibly enough certain other things. Given an 
army itself so servile, and its leaders so corrupt as to 
attempt the destruction of newspapers, and we have 
an army likely, in some mad moment, to attempt the 
overthrow of the Constitution. If we are in peril of 
this we cannot avoid it ; for it is a danger incident 
to our position. But on the other hand, it seems to 
us that now, when we are asking so much of our 
citizen-soldiers, it would be the extreme of discourtesy, 
childishly to suspect them. We have called them 
from domestic happiness and the ease and safety of 
peace ; we have asked of them the utmost of sacrifices 
in the greatest of causes ; and, luring them only by 
the gathering cry of loyalty to liberty, we have placed 
in their hands the ark of the Constitution. It is 



WHY WE ABE FIGHTING. 189 

no time for distrust. It is no time for foreboding. It 
is no time, Heaven knows, in a sneaking spirit of 
cynical suspicion, to doubt the honor and worthiness 
of human nature. When soldiers like ours, Freemen 
all of them in blood and bone, who never knew a 
master before, are submitting with hardly a solitary 
murmur, to the extreme rigor of military discipline, it 
is but fair to presume, that only an indelible and 
paramount affection for free institutions could have 
called them to the field, or kept them there. 

It is easy to hint and to insinuate. But where is 
the general officer who has given in the past, any 
sign or token that he contemplates any such usurpa- 
tion ? And by what right is it assumed that well- 
educated and intelligent soldiers can be seduced into 
becoming the mere instruments of a single ambitious 
and unscrupulous man? We have not undertaken 
war for the sake of war, nor would fifty years of fight- 
ing make it palatable to the national mind. The 
genius of our people is no more military than that 
of the people of England. We can fight but we pre- 
fer peace. Moreover, those who speculate in this 
loose way upon the future of the Republic, leave out 
one essential element of fair calculation. The loyal 
States are not in arms because they are eager for 
political novelties and bent upon political experiment. 
They are in a position of the most thorough and ab- 
solute conservatism. They are contending under the 
sway of no insane fancies, and they are the dupes 
of no brilliant dreams. The Revolted States, it is 
true, are entering upon untried fields, and engaging 



190 UNFAIR JUDGMENT. 

in the pursuit of phantoms ; but we know just where 
we are, and just what we are seeking. 

There is the Constitution as the Fathers of the 
Republic framed it. There are the laws which they 
enacted, and the laws which we have enacted. Be- 
fore us are our political duties not complicated and 
dubious, but simple and easy to be understood. We 
bring to this great trial a sober sense of the value of 
human liberty, and we strike no blow without a 
thought of the blessings of freedom. It is not in 
such a school as this that we are to unlearn all the 
lessons of our history ; it is not under such influences, 
that we are to surrender our most creditable preju- 
dices ; it is not while we are desperately clinging to 
the traditions of the Republic, that we are to fling 
ourselves at the feet of a despot. When foreign na- 
tions judge us, we claim something on the score of 
character. It is grossly unfair, and no better than 
sheer trifling with historic examples, to predicate our 
future upon the fate of less enlightened and more 
turbulent states. We claim that our social problem 
is not perplexed by the presence of large masses of 
hungry and ignorant men, to whom any change 
may prove, or may seem, a blessing. Is it then for 
nothing that our populations are, as a rule, well 
educated ? Is it for nothing that we have a more 
general diffusion of intelligence than can be found 
in any other land? Are al] our multiplied institu- 
tions of learning and religion impotent for good 
influence upon the popular mind and morality? If 
so, let us hear no more of the blessings of knowl- 



GOOD OMENS. 191 

edge ! Let us do our best to bring back the old 
mediaeval midnight ! let us burn our school-houses 
and our libraries ! let us, with what stomach we 
may, own that man is a fool, from head to foot, 
and make the best of a bad matter by haying at 
least a hollow laugh at our own ridiculous destiny! 
For ourselves, whatever of good-hap or sorrow the 
future may hold, we do not yet bate one jot of heart 
or of hope. Why should we, at a moment like this, 
when the people are proving that patriotism and self- 
devotion are not empty words ? And why should we 
insult honest men, who are giving their lives and 
fortunes to the cause of human freedom, by speculat- 
ing upon the chances of their all becoming slaves ? 
If they were fighting for plunder, if any unhallowed 
dream of personal aggrandizement called them to the 
field, we might suspect their integrity. Moreover, 
while the General Government is thus assailed, we 
find every loyal State calmly carrying on its politi- 
cal administration, preserving the peace within its 
borders, and levying large taxes which are cheerfully 
met by the citizens. As the parts are, so will the 
whole be. The political stability of the States will 
insure that of the Union ; and when that fails us, 
it will be time to fear a Dictator, arid not till then. 

November, 7, 1861. 



192 OUR DEAR BRETHREN. 

ABOLITION AND SECESSION. 

The war has put some over-nice gentlemen in a pretty 
pickle. These are hard times for Mr. Facing-Both- 
Ways. For several years he has been blandly re- 
peating : " Our Southern Brethren ! Our poor, in- 
jured, forbearing Southern Brethren !" But the 
Southern Brethren having so unmistakably gone to the 
bad — having surrendered themselves to the most un- 
fraternal antics — having fallen feloniously upon that 
Constitution which has been Mr. Both- Ways' private 
and public and particular pet — he is forced to look 
about him for something to admire, and, as ill-luck 
will have it, he finds his ancient enemies, " the Abo- 
litionists " (as he calls them), working devotedly for 
his poor Constitution, while he — where is he ? Not 
merely outside the caucus, but pretty nearly outside 
all creation ! 

In this hot struggle there seems to be nothing in 
particular for him to do, except to utter warnings 
which nobody heeds, and to give advice which every- 
body laughs at. He falls into a rage, and begins an 
indiscriminate damnation. To the pit he consigns 
the North, and to the same torrid place he sends the 
South. He calls ]oudly for "Union," but he cannot 
find it in his heart to unite with anybody, and so he 
goes on day after day blowing hot and cold, and tell- 
ing his neighbor for the five-hundredth time that he is 
no " Secessionist,' 5 but egad ! he is no "Abolitionist." 
He fancies that this is conservative, and so it is, of 
brains ; for in such boys' play, there will be but a 



NO ABOLITIONIST. 193 

scanty expenditure of that article. He calls a meet- 
ing, and resolves that he is a patriot, but that he is 
not an "Abolitionist." He issues an Address ex- 
pressly to let the world know that he is not an 
"Abolitionist." He nominates a candidate who is 
"No Secessionist" and "No Abolitionist," and he 
solemnly votes for that candidate as the representa- 
tive of what he is pleased to call his " Principles ;" 
when the lamentable truth is, that what he thinks to 
be " Principles " is merely a hodge-podge of Notions, 
Prejudices, Traditions and other lumbering Nonsense. 
Having done this, he is satisfied. Things may go 
from bad to worse, but he is as complacent as an old 
lady who, having foretold a rainy day, wakes up to 
find the windows of heaven wide open. 

We are led to these reflections by the solemn fact 
that in the Fifth Ward of the city of Boston, a little 
meeting of Constitutional-TTnion-Deniocrats voted the 
other evening, that they were for "the vigorous prose- 
cution of the war," but that they were not " Aboli- 
tionists." A more unnecessary disclaimer we can 
hardly conceive of. It requires a modicum of brains 
to be anything of the kind. But we cannot blame 
these timid gentlemen ; nor will anybody blame them 
who considers that an " Abolitionist " is also an Infi- 
del, an Agrarian, a Foe of Human Government, a 
Dupe of his Conscience, a WomanVRights-Man, an 
Anti-Sabbatarian, a "Spiritualist," a Phrenologist, a 
Water-Curer, a Yegetarian, a Fourierite and an Oppo- 
nent of Tobacco and Capital Punishment. All Male 
Abolitionists wear Beards. All Female Abolitionists 
9 



194 WHAT 2?EGR0 SLAVERY HAS DOJSTK 

are " Bloomers." All of tliem being tainted by 
" Peace Principles " are avowedly in favor of Insur- 
rection, with Fire, Bloodshed, Rape, Anarchy, and 
a general whiz of everything. ~No wonder that a 
smug-faced Constitutional-Union man, just as highly 
respectable as it is possible for one of our fallen race 
to be, takes all possible pains before he so much as 
lifts a little finger for his country, to have it dis- 
tinctly understood, though he may be in little dan- 
ger, that he is not an " Abolitionist." His dudgeon 
at the accusation is a portion of his respectability. 

Now, it is no part of our business either to attack 
or defend the American Anti-Slavery Society. It is 
a distinct organization, and it is abundantly able to 
take care of itself. But, before we consign to the 
limbo of the wicked this poor word " Abolition, 5 ' we 
would like to ask, if there be in this whole State of 
New York, for instance, one well-informed and con- 
scientious person w T ho is not an " Abolitionist ?" This 
is the way to put it : 

Here is this ]STegro Slavery ; it has been our tor- 
ment and our curse, our daily and our nightly dan- 
ger ; it has brought us to this shame before the na- 
tions ; it has attempted to overthrow the institutions 
which we love, and which our fathers founded ; it 
has changed peace to war, plenty to want, confidence 
to doubt, and ease to discomfort ; it has wasted our 
material wealth, and it has hardened the hearts of 
our brethren against us ; it has enfeebled the mind, 
contaminated the pulpit, made dim the distinctions 
between right and wrong, and discredited our demo- 



A QUESTION OF COMMON SENSE. 195 

cratic professions which, but for this curse, would 

* 

have been the hope of the w^orld ! God favoring, 
circumstances permitting, the way opened by a Provi- 
dence which will indeed be Divine, shall we not rid 
ourselves of it and forever ? "Where is the intelligent 
Northern man, we care not how he may politically 
style himself, who wall not say from the bottom of 
his heart, to such a question, " Yes !" If this is to 
be an " Abolitionist," we should like to look in the 
face of the poor creature w T ho will say that he is 
not one. 

This is no longer a question of morals. It has 
rather become a question of common sense and of 
common safety ; of ordinary prudence and the least 
possible foresight. We are arguing for no particular 
scheme ; we are demanding no hasty action ; we feel 
as much as any the need of a circumspect policy ; 
but upon the naked question of "Abolition" or "No 
Abolition," we believe that every honest, thinking 
man will be readv to own himself an " Abolitionist." 
Shall we send down this inheritance of division and 
distraction to our children ? Are we such cowards 
as to impose upon them a burthen which our fears 
and weakness shrink from ? Shall the Union be re- 
stored only again to be jeoparded ? Shall we have 
done our whole duty well and wisely, if we transmit 
to the next generation this frightful bequest of civil 
quarrel ? And has our daj^ been so full of glory and 
of historical achievement, that we can well afford to 
throw away this golden opportunity of redressing the 
injuries of an unfortunate race ? And yet men shun 



196 AN INSULT TO THE PEOPLE. 

the subject and shrink from the problem, because its 
solution is difficult, and strive, by a senseless babble 
of Constitutional obligations, to be rid forever of the 
matter. Is this brave, manly, or becoming ? 

We say " No !" And, if saying so puts ns into 
the " Abolition " category, we accept the place as a 
place of honor. Many a good, brave, loyal man 
shares our opinion ; many a citizen who has given 
his blood as if it were water, and his money as if it 
were dross, to the Republic, thinks as we do. And 
by what right is such a patriot to be classed with 
traitors in arms against the Republic ? By what 
law, even of the cheapest personal civility, do these 
libelers couple the names of the sound and the rot- 
ten, of law-abiders and law-breakers, of footpads and 
freebooters, with the honest names of Christian gen- 
tlemen ? And who are these new Mentors who as- 
sume to direct, advise, censure, persuade and exhort 
an immense majority of the voters of the Union — ar- 
raigning their intelligence, questioning their motives, 
imputing to them selfishness or silliness, venality or 
incapacity ? Where is the record of their political 
successes ? Where were they when this storm was 
gathering, that they did not by notable pilotage save 
us from the cruel shore of death which threatens us ? 

Abolition and Secession ! Light and Darkness, 
Truth and Falsehood, Right and Wrong, Fact and 
Fallacy, are as nearly alike. Heaven help us if, in 
these dark days, which are weighing down our very 
souls, we shun truth because it is not pleasant, and 
strive to exorcise this devil of Slavery, by the gibber- 



A TIP BY BRAVE. 197 

ish nine times worn out and ninety times weaker 
than water, which, sham-conservatives so glibly utter. 
Better fling at once every musket into the Potomac 
and recall our gallant men, than to prate follies at 
home, which will make their doughtiest deeds of 
none effect ! If we must have the disgrace of a sub- 
stantial defeat, let us meet it at once, and before 
we have murdered — yes, that is the word — any 
more men ! If we must yield at last to the slave- 
holders, and think their thoughts and do their dirty 
work, let us at least save our money, for that will be 
a consolation in the lower deep of our degradation ! 

November 9, 1861. 



A BACCHANAL OF BEAUFORT. 

The good new r s from the l^~aval Expedition has al- 
ready, as to its more momentous details, been discussed 
and digested ; but a distinguished person, deserving 
of historical fame, who figured, or rather who fell at 
Beaufort, will miss his immortality unless we ami- 
ably give him a hoist. When Oapt. Ammon, with 
three gun-boats, visited Beaufort on the day after the 
action, " but a single white man was found in the vil- 
lage, and he was drunk." Such is the laconism of 
the telegraph, than which nothing can be more teas- 
ing ; for we are left utterly in the dark as to the name 
of this cool reveler, who refused to intermit his liba- 
tions to the god of whisky, eveu in the sulphurous 
presence of the god of war. In a poem like Camp- 
bell's "Last Man," namelessness might be artfully 



198 A RECREANT MOHAMMEDAN. 

adopted to heighten the impression ; hut in matter- 
of-fact annals the hiatus is to be censured and de- 
plored. If some gentleman of a curious turn had 
been intrusted with the dispatches, he would have 
told us the title of this tipsy chevalier, who when all 
else was lost, resorted to his bottle for consolation ; 
and who was found with that glass weapon lying 
empty by his manly side. These vinous views of 
military duty are not novel, as the " cannikin-clink" 
in Othello sufficiently attests. And does not the old 
recruiting song say that 

"A soldier's life, if taken smooth and rough," 
is, surely, 

" A very merry, hey down derry sort of life enough V 

When care came with our cruisers, corn-whisky 
remained — not long, we fancy ; but still long enough 
for a triumphant wooing of oblivion. Others might 
run, but this brave man could not — it was not in his 
devoted legs to do it; others might be craven but 
he showed no lack of spirit ; and while the fugitives 
left him to his fate, he slumbered as sweetly as ever 
Anacreon did upon the thymy ground of Teos, and 
was perfectly comfortable though twice a captive. 
This singular circumstance is to us suggestive. 

Sir Paul Eycaut relates of a certain vizier — name 
given by Sir Paul, but by us forgotten — that after 
taking Candia he discarded his good Mohammedan 
temperance principles, and getting into a habit of 
intoxication, was soon so stupid of brain and so be- 
numbed as to his senses, that his superiors reformed 



A NEW METHOD OF WARFARE. 199 

him by a judicious application of the bow-string. 
3STow we have never favored letting cotton out of the 
rebel ports ; but would it not be politic so far. to relax 
the vigilance of the blockade as to let the " cratur " 
in ? If the rebels will but promise to drink them — 
and of that we need no assurance — why not let them 
have all the strong waters they pant for ? Why not 
send them brandy in bombs, and " old wheat " under 
a flag of truce ? why not drop bottles of tipple into 
their camps from our balloons ? Who does not see 
that we might have one of their Major-Generals in a 
mania ajpotu in a week ! Then, of course, he would 
fancy himself to be Alexander the Great, and in his 
jollity he would kill some Col. Clitus, whose kinsman 
would kill the General, and his cousins, in turn, Cli- 
tus's cousins; and so with a merry go-rounder of 
murder, we should have half the commissioned offi- 
cers of the Confederacy dead speedily. But this is 
digression. We must return to the cup-captured 
citizen of Beaufort. 

We are apprehensive that Mr. Barnum has been a 
little rash in offering a reward of $1,000 for the catch- 
ing and caging and delivery at his Broadway estab- 
lishment of this " last man" at Beaufort. If the Great 
Showrnan was not in earnest, he should have remem- 
bered how easily this curiosity may be caught, and 
how soon a bold Gordon Gumming may make prize 
of such a lion in his liquor. It will be a pretty piece 
of business if some fair morning a van should arrive 
at the Museum door with the trenchant tippler of 
Beaufort inside! What would Barnum do? His 



200 TOTAL ABSTINENCE IN CAMPS. 

constructive genius may extemporize tanks for whales, 
or a sufficient tub for the hippopotamus ; but is he 
prepared to maintain a creature who will require 
puncheons upon puncheons of the choicest brands of 
the best Bourbon ? The enterprise might prove ru- 
inous. The clever manager might be obliged to raise 
his prices, and that we know would break his public 
heart. In three weeks he would be forced to offer a 
reward of something more than $1,000 to anybody 
daring enough to take the monster off his hands. 

We are upon the eve of great events. Drinks, we 
notice, have advanced to fifteen cents each in New 
Orleans. What a famine price, or rather what a 
drouthy price they must be held at, then, in Rich- 
mond ! What would be the moral effect if the rebel 
army were kept absolutely sober for a month ? Would 
they advance to our lines with repentant tears in their 
eyes, and their demijohns, necks down and corks out, 
in their hands, crying for quarter and a modest 
quencher ? We are afraid not. Madness would prob- 
ably rule the hour; and if the despairing sinners 
came at all, it would be to run a desperate muck for 
our spirit-rations. Their advance would be as im- 
petuous as the rush of a caravan to a desert-well. 
They would be dangerous, indeed ; fighting not for 
glory, but for a glass of something comfortable. We 
might find their raging thirst too much for our best 
regiments as they came at us shouting " Liberty and 
Liquor," " Cocktails and the Confederacy" or some 
other ardent slogan. 

As for the Beaufort brave, as he is now a prisoner, 



COTTON VS. CONSCIENCE. 201 

we hope that he will be tenderly cared for. He will 
be valuable as an expert, should we be compelled to 
hold any courts-martial of a particular and not pleas- 
ant kind. He is entitled to soldierly courtesy, be- 
cause he certainly did show a sort of courage, albeit 
of the Dutch variety. The solitary situation in which 
he was found should plead for him. His noble faith 
in his Spirit-Friend, preserved while guns were boom- 
ing and bombs careering, and the red eye of war was 
unusually fierce and wide-open, shows him to be, in 
his way, an uncommon man. Take him up tenderly, 
lift him with care ! 

November 22, 1861. 



CONCERNING SHIRTS. 



We mark with wonder that a contemporary goes on 
speculating and spinning, and spinning and speculat- 
ing, until he involves himself in the following extra- 
ordinary cocoon : " If this mad scheme of Emancipa- 
tion were carried into effect, the necessity for cotton 
would reintroduce the present system of labor in less 
than ten years." This is what may be termed, in vul- 
gar parlance, " a settler." We must have cotton — we 
cannot have cotton without enslaving human beings 
— therefore, we must enslave human beings. Of 
course, morally, there is no limit to this style of logic. 
Given cotton as a sine qua non, and everything favor? 
able to its culture becomes right, and equally, every 
9* 



202 SANS SHIRTS— SANS EVERYTHING. 

thing unfavorable becomes wrong. Before the omni- 
potent need indicated, all must give way. There is 
a necessity that knows no law, human or divine. 

A starving man may steal bread — a freezing man 
may steal a coat — and man in general, that he may 
not starve or freeze, may steal other men. But there 
is something worse involved in this proposition, viz., 
a regenerated and disenthralled world returning to its 
original sin for the sake of a shirt ! It is as if our 
progenitors, Adam and Eve, had suddenly discerned 
the shame of nakedness while in a condition of origi- 
nal righteousness, and so desperately swallowed the 
apple as the only way of getting themselves an outfit. 
We can imagine a world without light, or a world 
without heat, but a world without cotton shirts is a 
cosmographical impossibility. We may make good 
resolutions, reform abuses, do unto others as the golden 
rule directs, provided our shirts are not taken from us 
thereby ; but when it comes to a matter of shirt or 
no shirt, all moral considerations can only be immor- 
ally regarded, and the height of virtue is to be 
vicious. We do not remember anything quite so ex- 
treme as this in Machiavelli, Hobbes, or The Fable of 
the Bees. The sequitur, of course, is, that while some 
men wear shirts, other men must be slaves ; or per- 
haps it may be put thus : 

I. Without Shirts there can be no Men. 

II. Without Cotton there can be no Shirt. 
III. Without Slaves there can be no Cotton, Ergo, 
TV. Without Slaves there can be no Men. 

Y. Without Men there can be no World, 



FATAL NAKEDNESS. 203 



VI. Without a World 

But it would be painful and it is unnecessary to go 
further. 

Thus it will be seen that the World actually re- 
volves not upon an Axis but upon a Pod. It pro- 
gresses because something is planted. A few bad 
cotton crops and we are nowhere. What a cheerful 
prospect ! 

This is, of course, a change. There was a time 
when shirts " save their own painted skins' 5 — as the 
amiable Cowper has it — " our sires had none." There 
was a time when man struggled through his dark 
destiny in a linen shirt. There have been great men 
who still cut a considerable figure in history, who 
knew not the blessing of a cotton shirt. It is reason- 
able to suppose that Solomon in all his glory never 
enjoyed that comfort, Alexander the Great tri- 
umphed in a steel shirt, and tippled in a silk one. 
Julius Csesar — poor man ! — went in wool. We have 
some reason for supposing that Gen. Washington 
himself always wore linen. 

But the difficulty is that once having worn a cotton 
shirt, mankind must continue to wear one, or cease 
to exist. No more fig-leaves now ! No more purple 
and fine linen ! No more leathern conveniences ! 
We may, indeed, fancy that ours will be the privilege, 
pitiable at the best, of going shirtless if we please, 
buttoning our coats to the chin, after a shabby gen- 
teel fashion. Not a bit of it. The eye of the De- 
stroying Angel will pierce through broadcloth, and 
discover our deficiency in Cotton Shirts. 



204 FINAL SHIRTLESSNESS. 

The deduction of the Eternity of Slavery from the 
Necessity of Shirts is not a pleasant one, but we must 
take it as it comes. Once, in England, they used to 
put the case a little differently. There it was said 
that Man could not live by Bread alone, but must 
have Rum with Sugar in it. Then the formula ran — 
No Slaves, No Rum and Sugar. " D— it," said hon- 
est John Bull, " in that case, I will fall back upon my 
Beer and Brandy. 55 This was easy to say, but when 
it comes to going without a Shirt, John recalcitrates. 

But, then, if Slavery cannot continue, is doomed 
and justly doomed by God and Man to extinction, 
what follows ? Why, that we must resign ourselves 
to Shirtlessness, or at least to Cotton Shirtlessness. 
There is nothing more to say. The thing is fixed, 
and very bad it is — for the washerwomen ! 

December 7, 1861. 



FAIR BUT FIERCE. 



In the name of Zenobia, Boadicea, Moll Flanders, 
Jean d'Are, and the Maid of Saragossa, we begin this 
article ! 

Now that Messrs. Mason and Slidell are " given 
up," just, for all the world, like a pair of fugitive 
" niggers," another vexatious question has arisen, viz : 
Did the lovely Miss Slidell, upon the deck of the 
Trent steamer, slap the face of the unfortunate Lieut. 
Fairfax % 

Commander Williams, that gallant tar, who suffered 



THE GALLANT TAB. 205 

such agonies on the occasion, was the recipient of a 
dinner of the public variety on his arrival in Eng- 
land. In his post-prandial speech, Commander Wil- 
liams went at length into the above-mentioned ques- 
tion, and made one of those nice distinctions which 
would have been appreciated in a middle-age court 
of love and honor. " Some of the papers," said this 
briny Bayard, " described her as having slapped Mr. 
Fairfax's face. She did strike Mr. Fairfax — but she 
did not do it with the vulgarity of gesture which has 
been attributed to her. In her agony, she did strike 
him in the face three times." 

And what does Commander Williams — sly dog, 
Williams is, quite a lady's man — what does he add ? 
Why, he says frankly : " I wish that Miss Slidell's 
little knuckles had struck me in the face. I should 
like to have the mark forever." There is something 
more or less amorous in this frank confession ; and, 
if there be an old, established Mrs. Williams, we 
hope, for the sake of Commander Williams, that it 
will not come to her ears. Williams, it seems, likes 
to be smitten by the sex; in that respect differing 
from that other ancient mariner, Capt. Edward 
Cuttle, who lived in continual dread of Mrs. Mc- 
Stinger's "little knuckles." We wish this British 
seaman good luck; and trust that he may live to 
be "slapped," though without "vulgarity of ges- 
ture," by a great number of the finest women — and 
that Mrs. Williams may not be one of them. 

Two things in the explanation of the Commander, 
our readers of a Chesterfieldian turn will notice. 



208 AN AGONIZED MAIDEN. 

Miss Slidell committed assault and battery — for 
which at the Tombs they would have fined her 
five shillings — without " vulgarity of gesture ; " and 
she did it "in her agony." From this we infer 
that Miss Slidell delivered her " one-two-three " 
with a refinement, suavity, elegance and grace 
which are at least rare in the Prize Ring. O happy 
Fairfax, to be so struck by such little knuckles ! O 
fortunate mariner, if you did but know it ! Williams 
says that to be assaulted so gracefully and by such 
little knuckles would make him forego washing his 
face for the rest of a natural life passed in dreams 
of that delicious moment. We agree with Williams, 
although we are not of his marine susceptibility. 
If one is to be slapped as to the cheek — we beg the 
refined Williams's pardon — if one is to be struck, 
" slapped " is vulgar — if one is to be assaulted at all, 
one would choose to be assaulted by a fair dame, and 
without " vulgarity of gesture." 

Young ladies who read this newspaper, and we 
hope profit by it, listen to our admonition ! This is a 
world of mutation. Tou do not think now that you 
will ever be called upon " in your agony " to " hit 
out " at a naval officer three times ; but this is a 
world of extraordinary changes and chances, and you 
may be compelled in your " agony " aforesaid, to ad- 
minister castigation to a meandering husband, or im- 
pertinent lover. Take a lesson from the exquisite 
and scientific Miss Slidell ! Dear young ladies, when 
you go reluctantly to your calisthenics, and when you 
turn a deaf ear to the teacher who begs that you will 



A YOUNG WOMAN IN POSITION 207 

not neglect the cultivation of the biceps flexor cubiti 
and the deltoid muscles, remember that the time 
may come when you will regret your negligence — 
when, in fact, and not to put too fine a point upon it, 
yon may desire to assault somebody in pantaloons, 
and may yet be afraid to do it. See what hard train- 
ing — constant practice, we suppose upon Topsey and 
Dinah and Phillis — has done for Miss Slidell ! Why, 
the moment she gets into her " agony," she proceeds 
as naturally to strike somebody, as if she had been 
striking somebody all her life. See her squaring off 
• — no, that is vulgar — see her going through the pre- 
liminary gesticulations before poor Fairfax ! It is a 
subject for a picture. It should be put upon canvas, 
and hung up in the Confederate Capitol — when there 
is one. Miss Slidell, with flashing orbs and tangled 
hair and crimson cheek and curling coral lips and 
heaving bosom and small fist clenched — Williams says 
that she did n't slap, and this proves that she did, not 
to speak vulgarly, clench her fist — Miss Slidell with 
her pretty feet in position, her shoulders well 
thrown back, her " little hands " covering well her 
" mug " and " peepers," if we may employ those coarse 
words — she, the petticoated athlete, should be the 
central figure of the piece. Then poor Mr. Fairfax, 
looking sheepish, prepared for punishment, with " hit 
me again," written upon every line of his countenance ; 
while Williams, entering like a true Briton into the 
spirit of the occasion, brings in the basins and the 
sponges, and is ready to hold the lady's bottle ! Talk 
no more of a dearth of historical subjects for the 



208 A CHANCE FOB TWO PICTURES. 

easel! Why, the death of Nelson was nothing to 
this ! 

Though we are, on the other hand, rather than else 
inclined to the opinion that no living painter could 
do justice to Miss Slidell's "agony." Sir Joshua 
Reynolds managed TTgolino, but we do not think 
that our whole National Academy, with the Sketch- 
Club to boot, could adequately portray this Maid of 
(New) Orleans in all the sublimity of hysterics. If 
they are up to it, all we have to say is, that they do 
not need plaster-heads of Medusa to paint from any 
longer. Williams may be within reach of a clever 
brush, as with ears long and erect, and admiration 
driving stupidity from his countenance, he stands by 
speechless with gratification (and a large variety of 
other emotions) and wondering what this charming 
young woman will really do next. And finally, a com- 
panion-piece might represent Mr. Fairfax reporting 
his dishonor to Commodore "Wilkes, with this motto : 

" Which when the Captain com'd for to hear it, 

He was werry much astonished at what she had done." 
January, 3, 1862. 



BOBBING AROUND. 



This Civil "War has unsettled other things than the 
political peace of the country ; it has played mischief 
with the intellectuals of a great many people on both 
sides of the Atlantic Ocean, and led to a wide-spread 
impression that, contrary to all precedents, flax will 



THICKENING OF THE MUDDLE. 209 

quench fire. "Why do n't you settle your differences ?" 
roars The London Times. " Why do n't you make up 
your quarrel ?" bellows the British orator. " Let 5 s 
fix things !" observes the remainder-newspaper of the 
Constitutional Union Party. "Niggers have noth- 
ing to do with the war !" cries Brigadier This. " We 
are not fighting for the niggers !" exclaims Adjutant 
That. " Not at all !" responds some Congressional 
Orator — " very far from it !" As for the policy of 
the Government, so far as it is deducible from Mes- 
sages, Reports, Speeches and the" other usual sources 
of information — who knows what that policy is? 
For what with contradictory orders, and Laws of 
Congress which gentlemen in epaulets think them- 
selves at liberty to disregard, and what with British 
conversion to Pro-Slavery, and the general overset- 
ting of all past moralities appertaining to that insti- 
tution, and what with the Wilkes complication, the 
muddle has now become so general, that it is quite 
time to recall, if we can, our scattered senses, and to 
try to understand why we are fighting these expen- 
sive battles, and enduring, with more or less fortitude, 
these agonizing experiences. 

One curse of war is, that after it has been waged 
for a short time, the bustle of its management and 
the pressure of its exigencies push out of sight, or 
temporarily shoulder aside, its original causes. War 
creates continually new complications. Substantially, 
the affair of the Trent has nothing to do with the war 
itself ; and yet, in the matter, our officer did no more 
than he thought himself absolutely obliged to do, and 



210 IGNORING THE NEGRO. 

although, so far as we were wrong, we have made 
haste to offer every satisfaction, yet this wrong, ve- 
nial at the worst, to a pair of slaveholders, has been 
sufficient utterly to abolish the Abolition sentiment 
of England. Out of sight at once goes bleeding Af- 
rica, and the poor blacks and emancipation ; and 
this very England which two years ago was coddling 
American fugitives from Slavery, is now threatening 
so to interpose in this quarrel, that Slavery, in a fair 
way to be abolished if we are not meddled with, shall 
be a perpetuated nuisance and an eternal crime. 
What are we to make of this odd compound of self- 
ishness and sympathy, of this penny -wise philan- 
thropy, of this cheap pity, which subsides into indif- 
ference the moment it promises to cost a little more 
than an annual subscription of a couple of guineas ? 

However, fault-finding in such a case as this should 
begin, like charity, at home. There is enough that 
is comically curious here without going abroad in 
search thereof. For instance : 

Here is a newspaper — we mention no name, for it 
would not be civil — but here is a newspaper suffi- 
ciently noisy in behalf of the Union and Victory and 
our Flag and Eagle ; which keeps rousing and rally- 
ing our Brigadiers, and calling for action ; which is 
a perpetual fountain of pretty predictions ; and is 
generally as patriotic as possible ; w T hile at the same 
time, if the Governor of Massachusetts in his Annual 
Message alludes to Slavery as the cause and the curse, 
this same amiable journal at once begins to growl 
out : No such thing — "niggers" have nothing to do 



THE SINCERITY OF WAR. 211 

with it ! — let the " niggers " alone ! — hold your tongue 
about Slavery ! — rally for the Constitution, but, as 
you hope for peace, say not a word about Emancipa- 
tion. It affirms that all the Abolitionists are fanatical, 
enthusiastic, incendiary blackguards. If a Member 
of Congress ventures to hint that to this same eman- 
cipation you must come at last, that it will not do to 
leave nine-tenths of the property of the insurgents 
sacredly exempt from the perils of war, the poor 
Member is instantly denounced as fiercely as he would 
have been two years ago, and is at once written down 
as both an ass and a pyromaniac ! 

How long do gentlemen suppose that we can go 
on in this way ? 

Battles are earnest matters. Men are killed, a 
great many of them, in battles ; and human life, at 
least white human life, is worth something. War is 
expensive, and dollars are dollars. There is no cause 
under heaven of this quarrel but Human Slavery. 
It matters not into what form of words you put it, or 
whether you display or disguise it, but every child 
knows that this insurrection is in the interests of 
Slavery, and of a very mean kind of Slavery at that. 
If we fight well we weaken Slavery, if we gain a bat- 
tle, Slavery receives a blow ; our opponents are slave- 
holders, and they are in the field avowedly as slave- 
holders to redress wrongs said to be inflicted upon 
them as slaveholders ; while the main purport of all 
their manifestoes to the world is just this — that 
Slavery is in danger, and that Slavery must be pre- 
served. What fools, idiots, dolts, knaves, or good- 



212 WHAT SHALL WE DO? 

natured asses are we, that we do not accept the issue 
which is tendered to us, when such acceptance would 
make us strong, not merely in the righteousness of our 
cause, but in material and vital assistance and alli- 
ances ! Can ? t we afford to be strong ? Are we afraid 
of success ? Do we shrink from victory ? 

And what are we afraid of? Of the Constitution % 
What kind of love for the Constitution is that which 
invariably interprets it in the interests of its deadliest 
enemies ? How are you to help the Constitution by 
helping those who are bent upon its final demolition ? 
What claim to constitutional consideration have these 
reckless rebels, who have trampled the venerable in- 
strument under their feet ? Is it to be all Constitu- 
tion for them and no Constitution for us ? The 
worst that we wish these banded and embattled fel- 
ons is that they may get just what the terms of the 
Constitution decree to them. We say plainly that 
there is no other government under the sun which 
would have hesitated for a moment — which would 
not, long ere this, under like circumstances of nation- 
al peril, have published a general edict of emancipa- 
tion—which would not ere this have had in its ranks 
tens of thousands of well-drilled and well-armed eman- 
cipated slaves — and there are very few governments, 
let us add, which would not have sedulously promoted 
an uprising of the negroes, and which would not have 
fought the white insurrection with a black one. 

But we are nicer. The benumbing muddle is on 
us still. "What shall we do ? — what shall we do ? — - 
what shall we do f " we cry with incessant and inge- 



LETTING ALONE. 213 

nious variety of inflection. " The poor blacks " — we 
continue — " we cannot do anything with them — poor 
creatures ! — on account of the Constitution, you know 
— ajid the Compromise Act, you know — and they 
would cut all their masters' throats, you know !" So 
we wait quietly for the masters to come and cut our 
throats — which will be more agreeable to the forms 
of the Constitution. Which cheerful work, with a 
little pleasant violence to our wives and daughters, 
with a small robbery of our treasure, with here and 
there the burning of a sea-board city, we have no 
doubt the man-owners will soon be ready to perform — 
if we will only let Slavery alone ! 

It is right to be taught by the enemy, always pro- 
vided the terms of tuition are not too high. He tells 
us that we should let Slavery alone. And be sure he 
is a very sincere preceptor! Accept the maxim — 
let Slavery alone — assuage its wrath — give it a kiss 
of toleration — and then see how long it will let you 
alone ! 

January 8, 1862. 



JSTIOBE AND LATONA. 



We remember that when we were the reporter of a 
respectable country newspaper, we were sent to take 
notes of the doings of a Whig meeting, and of the 
speech of a certain Southern orator who had been 
sent for to come over and help us. After he had fin- 
ished his nonsense, he approached our humble table 



214 MB. McMAHONIS CLASSICAL. 

■with the front of Jupiter. " Sir," said he, " do you 
intend to report my speech ?" " Certainly," was the 
response. " Sir," he returned, " you cannot do it. 
You might as well try to report red-hot balls." We 
took him at his word ; wrote a respectable speech for 
him and printed it, and thereby, we then did flatter 
ourselves, saved for the Whigs at the election a very 
pretty handful of votes. We have been reminded 
of this little incident by reading " Cause and Con- 
trast," which is a highly peppered pamphlet, the par- 
turient pangs of which were borne by Mr. Thomas W. 
McMahon, now of Richmond, in the United States, 
Territory of Eastern Yirginia, but formerly private 
secretary of the Hon. Fernando Wood. 

Mr. McMahon is a gentleman also whose acquaint- 
ance with that rare work, " Lempriere's Classical 
Dictionary," we can vouch for, since he compares 
the South to Niobe and the North to Latona, and 
since he also calls plain sea-faring " sporting with the 
Nereides of the deep." Now T , why he should com- 
pare the South to Niobe, we do not precisely com- 
prehend, unless it is conceded by him to be stone 
dead ; and why he should liken the North to Latona 
we do not any better comprehend, unless he expects 
us to shoot him and the rest of Niobe's progeny. 
But when Mr. McMahon is well-mounted upon his 
rhetorical charger, he dashes ahead like a particularly 
Headless Horseman ; and no martingale of sense is 
strong enough to stop him. That which puts him 
upon his most perilous paces is the prosperity of the 
North. One grievous fault in the character of Latona, 



HOW WE MADE OUR MONEY. 215 

is not so Hmcli that we have conspired against Hiobe's 
babies, as that we have " banks." Also " insurance 
offices." Likewise " stage-coaches, railroads and 
steamboats." Moreover, " commercial emporiums, 
prosperous and magnificent." 

And how have we obtained all these comfortable 
things ? The off-hand answer of a poor, plain man 
would be, that we have banks because we have capi- 
tal ; and insurances offices because we have some- 
thing to insure ; that we have " stage-coaches " and 
other criminal, though convenient, vehicularities, be- 
cause we have something or somebody to carry, and 
that our " emporiums " are " commercial " because 
we have a commerce. But Mr. Thomas W. McMa- 
hon knows better than that. All these things have 
come to us — 

1. " From the tobacco plantations of Virginia and Tennessee." 

2. " From the flowery and fruitful regions of Opelousas." 

3. " From the sugar lands of Attakapas." 

4. u From the silver shores of the Mississippi, perfumed 
by groves of orange and citron." 

5. " From " 

But enough of this, though we leave a great deal 
of excellent fooling unquoted. The truth is that as 
" An ass once spoke, as learned men deliver," so he 
is speaking now again. What on earth has the Bank 
of Commerce in this city to do with " the orange and 
citron on the banks of the Mississippi ?" What in the 
name of common sense, or uncommon sense, has the 
Erie Railroad to do with " the flowery and fruitful 
regions of Opelousas ?" We are not aware that any 



216 BOUGHT AND PAID FOB. 

gentleman in this " emporium " has gone into busi- 
ness, and much less made money, because " the 
silver shores of the Mississippi are perfumed " with 
anything — orange, citron or river mud. If "the 
picturesque and beautiful T. "W. McMahon," as The 
Richmond Enquirer calls him, had more of sense 
and less of sonority, he would hardly have fallen into 
the Hibernian blunder of enumerating the means of 
wealth at the South as the causes of her poverty ; 
nor would he have attempted to show that l^iobe is 
poor because she has had a monopoly of two of the 
most valuable productions of the world. 

It is difficult to see why Latona is to be thus shrew- 
ishly berated because she has been a good customer. 
If we have bought cotton, have we not paid for it 
before spinning and weaving it ? If Latona has been 
indebted to Niobe for tobacco, we ask in the name 
of Justitia — for we also like to be classical now and 
then — we ask in the name of Justitia, and Themis, 
and Equitas, and other goddesses, and all the appro- 
priate gods — we ask, if Latona has not paid for that 
tobacco, short-cut, long-cut, pig-tail, plug, Cavendish, 
honey-dew, before chewing or smoking it % And as 
for cotton, the writer of this article has every reason 
to believe that the shirt which he has on, when in its 
original condition — its cottonian condition — was not 
only bought upon what Thomas calls " the blessed 
sea-island coasts," but was also bought at a price 
fixed by the Blessed Sea-Island Coasters themselves ; 
that they drew for the money, and that the bills were 
cashed at maturity ; so that the shirt in question is 



THE McMAHON WABDBOBE. 217 

not — to be classical again — in the least a new Nes- 
sus-shirt to the wearer, but an honest garment to be 
received from the washerwoman without remorse and 
to be put on without a pang. 

Now, can McMahon lay his hand where his heart 
should be, and say as much of his shirt % Is he sure 
that the cloth of which his pantaloons are built, 
bought, doubtless, by an enterprising Richmond tailor 
in If ew York, has ever been paid for by the aforesaid 
tailor ? Is he sure that he, the said McMahon, had 
not on at the moment of penning his splendid produc- 
tion, a pair of French boots bought in New York, but, 
alas ! in New York never paid for ? Niobe owes us 
millions upon millions, but how much do we owe 
Niobe, O picturesque and beautiful McMahon ! If 
the facts could be arrived at, we should be willing to 
wager six cents that the pen with which this philoso- 
pher wrote, the ink which he misused, the paper 
which he spoiled, were all bought in New York, and 
remain unpaid for ; and to this we will add another 
wager of two-pence, that the press upon which this 
brilliant pamphlet was printed, and the ink with 
which it was printed, and the virgin paper deflowered 
by its printing, were all bought in this or some other 
Northern " emporium," and remain unpaid for. Con- 
sidering all these things, we are willing to confess 
that McMahon's blarney is about the boldest which 
has recently come to our notice. 

Everybody has heard this McMahon's style of 
lamentation in private life. One man is thrifty, 
industrious, intelligent, and, therefore, successful ; 
10 



218 A CALORIFIC PAMPHLETEER 

while his neighbor is everything that he is not. 'No. 1 
gets rich, builds a fine house, pays his debts, and 
lives in ease and contentment. No. 2 gets poor, hires 
a squalid house, is turned out of it for not paying his 
rent, lives at sixes and sevens with society, and think- 
ing himself vastly injured, damns lu>. 1 as the source 
of all his woes. He fancies that if JSTo. 1 had re- 
mained poor, he. No. 2, would by some fortunate bit 
of prestidigitation have become opulent — and he 
makes a fool of himself, and growls fiendishly at JSTo. 1 
accordingly. He says in the language of madness 
and drivel : " See that fellow — he has made his money 
out of me — he rides in my carriage — he drives my 
horses — he lives in my house, and he eats my food 
and he drinks my wine, and he uses my plate, and 
he wears my clothes. " 

" Two hundred and thirty one millions of dollars 
were," says McMahon, "the annual dowry which the 
South (ffiobe) cast at her (Latomt's) feet.' 3 He then 
goes on in a dreadfully low-spirited style, to say that 
the South is a pelican ; that we are her progeny ; 
that she has drained her breasts to feed us ; and he 
concludes by uttering other flapdoodle for the nour- 
ishment of the Bichmond mind. We congratulate 
our provincial friends in Virginia upon the posses- 
sion of such a warm writer in this cold weather ; and 
we are confident that a copy of his pamphlet placed 
near the feet upon going to bed, will be found equal 
to the hottest hot-water jug ever corked up to lay 
between the sheets. 

January 22, 18G2. 



BROTHER AGAINST BROTHER. 219 

SECESSION SQUABBLES. 

The reckless dissensions of leaders have been the ruin 
of half the revolts mentioned in history. It is not 
impossible that Charles Stuart might have reached 
London, however short might have been his stay there, 
if he could have kept his Highland chieftains from 
quarreling. The operations and efficiency of our own 
Revolutionary Army were often seriously embarrassed 
by the military intrigues of ambitious leaders ; and 
nothing but the extraordinary good sense of Wash- 
ington rescued us upon such occasions from temporary 
discomfiture. Men who have thrown off the author- 
ity of one Government, glide with but little grace 
into loyalty to another ; and it is when the founda- 
tions of society are broken up, that the aspiring ply 
with the greatest and most mischievous assiduity their 
schemes of personal aggrandizement. 

We are not, therefore, at all astonished to find that 
the leaders of the Slaveholders' Rebellion are already 
at loggerheads ; and as our sources of information are 
their own newspapers, we accept as a fact what we 
should have theoretically anticipated. The vice which 
proved so fatal to the fallen angels has not spared 
these their legitimate descendants — the little Lucifers 
and the great Beelzebubs of the Man-Owner's Con- 
spiracy. Richmond, if we may credit its journals, is 
full of petty squabbles, and the serenity of men who 
profess to be the architects of new and nobler institu- 
tions is continually disturbed by the torments of an 
unslumbering jealousy. We have written in our time 



220 DOMESTIC CBITICISM. 

with sufficient asperity of our political antagonists ; 
and if they have not always kept to the truth, why we, 
it must be owned, have not always kept our temper ; 
and yet we never, for his sins, castigated a Pro- 
Slavery Democrat with a tithe of the virulent unction 
with which The Richmond Whig assaults the Davis 
Administration. The managers of that sheet know 
best whether they can afford, in their present predica- 
ment, to be hypercritical, and the pre-eminently fac- 
tious of a faction ; but as neither they nor those to 
whom they appeal have ever submitted, either in 
public or in private affairs, to the semblance of con- 
trol, it is not probable that considerations of Confed- 
erate safety will keep one pair of duelling pistols in 
its case. The secession of those States was partly 
caused by a general passion for politics, which, in a 
slaveholding community, commonly afford the only 
avenue to distinction, and to the intelligent, the only 
escape from an intolerable night-mare, and life-in- 
death listlessness. 

Secession, itself the offspring of politics, breeds in 
its turn a progeny of parties, each prolific of cliques, 
and each restive under guidance. Mr. Davis has not 
warmed the stool of office, before this aspirant or that 
newspaper seeks to push him from it ; and a score of men 
think themselves as well entitled to the honor as he is. 
Are not their necks as precious as his ? Why should 
he come in for the robes of place, and they for ragged- 
ness ? Why he for eminence and they for obscurity ? 
They made him, great as he has grown ; their votes 
are the meat upon which he has fed. 



INTESTINE WRATH. 221 

" Why," some scion of an ancient and dilapidated 
Virginian house might ask, " Why is this man sov- 
ereign and I only sergeant upon (a promise of) quar- 
ter-pay ?" It is in this key — a kind of mad minor — 
that The Whig pipes its disaffection. "Why hasn't 
my advice been followed ?" asks the able Editor of 
that paper. " Why does n't the army ravage Penn- 
sylvania ?" And then it goes on frankly to declare 
why. It is because the " Government" — which, of 
course, is not expected to even go through the mo- 
tions of governing — has been " wrangling with pop- 
ular generals, and piddling over petty jobs." This 
is acidulous as w T ell as alliterative. The Whig then, 
really quite after the manner of Junius, says: "A 
child with a bauble, an old man with a young wife, 
are partial illustrations of our deplorable folly." The 
rage for fine writing has led many a Southern editor 
into scrapes either droll or murderous ; but this man 
of metaphor who has contrived to compare the Con- 
federacv to a " bauble " and " an old man's wife " has 
surpassed his predecessors as much in boldness as in 
truth. 

To say that The Whig is discontented, exasperated, 
indignant and ferocious, is to say nothing adequate. 
Its wrath mounts to an ecstacy. Summer and win- 
ter have passed in dreary inaction. Disease and the 
weariness of waiting have demoralized the Confeder- 
ate camps. " The finest army ever assembled " has 
" wasted away," and still The Richmond Whig has 
borne it with a patient shrug. But no, patience being 
no longer a virtue, but the most vicious of vices, The 



222 A HO USE DIVIDED. 

Whig takes off its coat, and delivers its right and 
left at the culpable Cabinet, assuring its readers that 
certain " reputed great men " are, after all, disrepu- 
table little men, who must, unless this fine, fresh, 
youthful Confederacy is to go to the deuce, be reform- 
ed out of office, and give place to those who read The 
Hiehmond Whig regularly, and profit by its admo- 
nitions. It calls upon " Congress " to " see that other 
departments perform their functions," and confident- 
ly predicts that when " our side ?? gets inside, the vehi- 
cle will move with admirable ease and celerity. But 
if " Congress " should prove as incompetent as " Cab- 
inet, 53 nothing will remain to be done but for Mr. 
Jefferson Davis to go up to the House, pistol the 
Speaker, turn out the Members, and establish a Des- 
potism tempered by cocktails and leading-articles. 

This, then, is the Confederacy, so little compact 
that even the perils of war and imminent destruc- 
tion cannot unite it ! These are the men so little un- 
selfish, so grossly self-seeking, that their own com- 
panions cry shame upon their low ends and disrepu- 
table aims ! These are the proofs of capacity for 
maintaining political independence which the Rebels 
offer to the powers of the world ! President, Cabi- 
net, Senators, Representatives, Editors, squabble like 
a group of runaway boys over a bird's nest with 
nothing in it! "Why, this would make the most 
brilliant victories barren ; what will be its effect when 
thick-coming defeats, the occupation of great cities, 
the dispersion of the Rebel armies, the seizure of 
military strongholds, the complete command of coasts 



IMMINENT SUBDIVISIONS. 223 

and rivers and gulfs, shall have brought that bitter 
disappointment to which only despair can succeed? 
Let the Rebel leaders look well to themselves then, 
lest the popular petard which they have been cram- 
ming with falsehoods and passions, give them a hoist 
more lofty than agreeable. Half the citizens of the 
South do not as yet know the alphabet of govern- 
ment. In the political ethics of the plantation they 
are well enough versed ; they have a dim notion of 
governing by the aid of a long whip and a heavy- 
handed overseer; but of governing themselves, of 
permitting themselves to be governed, they have no 
more notion than had the Barons and Robber- 
Knights of the Middle Ages — the quarrelsome rag- 
tag and bob-tail of chivalry that followed St. Louis 
to Palestine, The doctrine of secession would be 
found in the end monstrously inconvenient, even 
though it should be at first triumphant; for after 
that, there would be " nothing but thunder." State 
would recede from State, County from County, Parish 
from Parish, Husband from Wife, and Copartner from 
Copartner, until, at last, we should hear from their 
farm in ISTorth Carolina that Chang had seceded 
from Eng, and that both were dead— the victims of a 
mania for breaking things generally ! 

March G, 1862. 



224 THE EMINENT " BIBLIUS." 



" BIBLIUS. 



» 



There is not in this world a sadder spectacle than that 
which is presented by a seedy, second-hand clergy- 
man, who has been turned out of his pulpit, writing 
letters to the newspapers in favor of Slavery upon 
Shem-Ham-and-Japheth principles. It is astonishing, 
considering what a poor figure such people cut, that 
they will persist in cutting it. But they never learn 
anything, and still stick to notions which were anti- 
quated long before these choppers of cheap logic were 
born. 

For instance, here is the Kev. " Biblius " — for so 
he signs himself — writing to The Hoston Courier after 
the interrogative, Socratic fashion of Bishop Berke- 
ley and President Lord, to inquire " whether Slavery, 
as a variety of human government, does not stand im- 
mutably in the will of God, during the present dis- 
tracted and probationary state of earth and man, " 
which seems to us very much like asking whether, 
while we continue to sin, we shall not remain wicked. 
The reverend writer is of the opinion that Congress 
should initiate no measure of Emancipation, because 
it would be an interference with " the predicted bless- 
ings of Shem, the enlargement of Japheth, and the re- 
straint of licentious Ham, for the better conservation 
of the world, otherwise liable to revert to the state of 
Babel." The reader need n't laugh. "We say that 
all this is before us, printed in serious black and 
white. Here is a man in the Nineteenth Century 
who is actually afraid of a new Tower of Babel ! 



THE LICENTIOUS HAM. 225 

Why does he not go farther ? Why does he not pre- 
dict that Emancipation will be followed, maugre the 
rainbow, by another flood? or by a plague of boils 
and blains ? 

This threat of polyglot confusion is alarming. We 
shall be found, some fine morning, talking Chinese to 
our neighbor who understands only Choctaw. Both 
the great dictionaries will become worthless. The 
whole world will be given to lunatic jabber, and all 
because of Emancipation ! But worse will follow. 
Shem will be swindled out of his " predicted bless- 
ings." Japhet will be ensmalled^ and not " enlarged.' 5 
u The licentious Ham " will break loose, and cut all 
sorts of unscriptural capers. The prospect is un- 
speakably dreadful ! The excellent " Biblius " thinks 
that " study w r ould doubtless have prevented the civil 
war. 5 ' But it is never too late to mend. Let us all 
beg, buy or borrow dictionaries and go at it ! Congress 
is always purchasing this thing or that — seeds, pic- 
tures, patent plows — and why should n't it invest a 
million or so, in these plenteous times, in lexicons 
and chrestomathies ! Is n't it evident that if we are to 
be saved, it must be, not by Major nor even by Brig- 
adier Generals, but by sound professors of Hebrew. 

At any rate, something should be done. The uni- 
verse has not been in such a perilous condition since 
the war of the Titans. Divine Providence is in a 
dangerous way ; and it is certainly odd that our only 
safeguard against " the premature catastrophe of na- 
tions" should be communications in The JBoston 
Courier. Let us all go at our " Aleph-Beth-Gimmel " 
10* 



226 CHIVALB Y HYBEBJSfA TES. 

at once ; for if we do n't, who knows what mischief 
may be done when Ham gets a good opportunity to 
break Shem's head ! We do not think that we shall 
hereafter support any man for the Presidency who is 
not well np in his Hebrew, points and all. It will 
never do to have Providence thwarted in this loose 
way. 

March 22, 1862 



COLD COMFORT. 



Do our readers remember a newspaper entitled The 
Atlanta Canfederacyf- — a journal which has, even in 
gloomy times, furnished us with matter for cheerful 
comment. We are grieved to announce that this 
once jovial sheet is now deeply " depressed at the 
(Rebel) reverses sustained during the winter months." 
According to The Confederacy r , the thermometer is 
greater than the sword, and the traitors must not ex- 
pect to win any more battles until hot weather is well 
established. At present the Southern population is 
" chilled, benumbed, and lifeless." At present the 
Southern patriot " would scarcely move from a good 
hickory log to dodge a cannon ball." Wait 'till the 
mercury bobs up to above eighty degrees in the shade ! 
Confederate valor is of a dormouse variety. Just 
now, Chivalry is hybernating ! Poor Tom 's a-cold ! 
He can 't be expected to thaw into invincibility until 
about the middle of June. Then he will come out, 
like a polar bear, lean but ferocious. " Then," says 



COLDER AND COLDER. 227 

The Confederacy, he will "revel in his tropical glory. " 
He is never irresistibly savage until lie sweats. He 
cannot be valorous save in bis sbirt-sleeves. In bot 
weatber " be pants for blood." At least, so says The 
Confederacy. 

On tbe otber band, according to tbis newspaper, 
a Yankee is never balf so valorous as wben baif 
frozen to deatb. He does n't begin to sbow bimself 
until be sbivers. He is nobody, unless tbe wind is 
north-east. He is a sweltering zany at a tempera- 
ture one degree above nothing. The solar rays are 
more fatal to him than famine. When " the South- 
erner revels in his tropical glory,' 3 tbe Yankee " wilts, 
and goes under." "Mark what we say," exclaims 
this military meteorologist, " the first battle on a hot 
day, we will whip the fight." This is plucky, if not 
precisely grammatical. It is evident that nothing 
can save us but a providential succession of the 
nastiest North-Easters. Under these circumstances, 
perhaps our generals should receive instructions never 
to fight except when it is chilly. To be sure, a good 
many years ago it was not what you might have ex- 
actly called cold at Concord and Lexington ; and we 
believe overcoats were rather than else discarded at 
Bunker Hill. We know something about warm 
weather up here, planted as we are in close proxim- 
ity to the North Pole. We beg leave to assure our 
brother of The Confederacy that we do not go in 
bear-skins the year round. Exudation will not be a 
phenomenon altogether new to us. We have that 
rarity, "the hottest day of the season," even in these 



228 HOTTER AND HOTTER. ■ 

latitudes. What says the poet. Dr. Holmes ? " The 
folks that on the first of May, Wore winter-coats and 
hose, Began to say, the first of June, ' Good Lord, 
how hot it grows !' " And that was in Boston, the 
very nursery and ague-paradise of North-Easters. 

If ninety degrees above, in the shade, were neces- 
sarily fatal, we should have "a very dying time 5 
here in New York every Summer. One set of dog- 
days would leave Manhattan a desert. Yet, some- 
how, by virtue of straw hats, linen coats, and ice at 
discretion, we do, some of us, survive surpassingly 
high temperatures. We do not call ourselves absolute 
salamanders — nor Shadrachs, Meshachs, and Abed- 
negos — but we do not believe that the fiery sunbeams 
of Secessia will quite singe the hair off our soldiers' 
heads, nor that our braves will be driven to Sydney 
Smith's extremity, of getting out of their flesh to sit, or 
stand, or do battle in their bones. Somehow, we can- 
not think of our gallant fellows advancing with fans 
in one hand and the rifle in the other. Thus far, in 
more than one fight, they have shown themselves 
cool enough. We hope it will not be entirely differ- 
ent in June. 

It is curious to notice the fatuity with which the 
Rebels rely upon Hot Weather and the Yellow Fever. 
It would be still more curious to see them upon their 
knees praying for a pestilence — supplicating for 
miasma— beseeching Heaven to change the propor- 
tions of atmospheric air, and to diminish the quantity 
of ozone — tenderly invoking the gentle offices of the 
measles and fever-and-ague — sighing for the co-oper- 



> 



LET IT FLOW! 229 

ation of the small-pox — begging that fate may cut us 
off from our quinine, and that every shell which they 
discharge may shiver at least one of our medicine- 
chests. They do not seem to remember that if death 
should become general, they might be called upon to 
die just a little. Under the most favorable circum- 
stances, in past years, acclimation has not saved them 
from fatal, periodical epidemics — they have been 
swept off even as if they were common mortals. 
How will it be with the hot skies bending over their 
dirty camps — with their Commissariat in confusion — 
with the army-uniforms and blankets in rags — with 
no habits among the men of self-restraint, and with 
but little intelligence among the officers ? Will not 
these " children of the sun," as The Confederacy calls 
them, be in some danger of disease ? The Atlanta 
newspaper assures us that, under these circumstances, 
"the current of life," in Southern arteries, "flows 
with accelerated speed." It may flow altogether too 
fast. 

This acute journalist is complacent in the opinion 
that no Yankee will fight unless the weather be such 
as to make " a heavy coat and thick boots " comfort- 
able. To be sure, some of our army-coats have not 
heretofore been of the heaviest, nor have our army- 
boots been of the thickest — but let that go ! If The 
Confederacy be right, it becomes us to make haste 
and to do our fighting before the days of the dog-star. 
If the Southron " dreads cold weather," now is the 
time to give him a little brisk exercise. 

April 30, 1862. 



230 MB. DB BOW'S VIEWS. 



EXTEMPORIZING PRODUCTION. 

Our statistical friend, Mr. De Bow, whose arithmet- 
ical exploits in the manufacture of Census Reports 
did not give the world a very lofty idea of his ve- 
racity, whatever may have been the opinion of his 
ingenuity, announces with some flourish that a black- 
ing and lucifer-match-factory has been established at 
Lynchburg, and that North Carolina has engaged in 
the manufacture of pea-nut oil. Moreover, Mr. De 
Bow lifts up his voice jubilantly in respect of eight 
tan-yards in Louisa County, (State not named.) Also, 
many females are " spinning upon old fashioned hand- 
looms in South Carolina." Mr. De Bow spreads his 
statistics, which are dreadfully meagre, over the 
broadest possible surface, and brings up on bowie- 
knives. They are turning out these valuable weap- 
ons, it appears, with consummate alacrity, in Ports- 
mouth, Ya. And this suggests a more careful ex- 
amination of Mr. De Bow's new productions, wiiieh 
prove to be principally bayonets, camp-stools, gun- 
powder, tent-poles, bowie-knives, revolving pistols, 
drums — and, we presume, fifes, and even flags. But 
Mr. De Bow, while making up the rose-colored rec- 
ord, and telling us that they are producing leather in 
Albemarle and shoes in Madison County, does not 
tell us how much leather nor how many shoes. 
There are eight tan-yards in Louisa County ; but are 
they large or little tan-yards? and, above all, are 
they new or old tan-yards ? and, finally, are they tan- 
yards in which leather was or is manufactured ? We 



B VSHELS OF PINS. 231 

should like to have a veracious answer to the ques- 
tions, because, in war, shoes are of more importance 
than swords, particularly in the course of a retreat. 
One good side of sole-leather will be worth more to 
the rebels than a small cargo of pea-nut oil. We are 
the more particular on the subject of leather, because 
we happen to know that there is a considerable de- 
mand even in the Rebel States for Northern shoes, 
about this time. Mind ! we do not say that there is 
any supply — we only say that there is a demand. 

But let us go back to De Bow ! In his whole 
elaborate list we find only one manufactory of pow- 
der, (in Charlotte County, Va.,) which is turning out 
1,000 lbs. per diem. Besides, here the fallacy of the 
De Bow computations is lamentably exposed in gen- 
eral. One hundred thousand pounds of powder, 
myriads of bowie-knives, mile-long and mile-wide 
parks of artillery, innumerable camp-stools, and mil- 
lions of bushels of tent-pins, add nothing, either in 
times of war or of peace, to the actual wealth of the 
country. Nothing so adds which is manufactured 
simply that it may be almost simultaneously de- 
stroyed. Once more we must call attention to the 
fact that, physically and materially considered, war 
is waste. The pound of powder which is blown from 
a gun is gone forever, and can never by any possi- 
bility be a pound of powder again. The shell which 
bursts may kill a dozen of the enemy, but that is an 
end of it — it will never kill any inore. Human 
industry, in many of its departments, works over 
and over again the same materials — such as rags, 



232 ECONOMY. 

iron, etc., etc. But this is not true of the materials 
of war, or is so only in a limited sense. Hence any 
prolonged military struggle requires both capital and 
a continual reproduction of original material. War 
works with a double mischief. It produces less and 
consumes more than peace. Mr. De Bow, who is not 
the most profound of economists, mistakes a petty, 
spasmodic production, liable at any time to be inter- 
rupted, for a steady supply sustained by capital in- 
creased, or at least undiminished. He is of the eat- 
your-cake-and-have-it school, which is not the most 
accurate in the world. The Southern slaveholding 
economists are always making this blunder. Gov. 
Wise used to say despairingly to his lazy Yirginians, 
" Do n't you see, that if you raise 5,000,000 bushels 
of corn you will be better off, you and your niggers ; 
and that if you raise 500,000,000 bushels you will be 
still better off." Southern enterprise has been for- 
ever complacently contented with the discovery that 
it w r anted something — it has rarely gone to the labor- 
ious length of supplying itself. It has felt the want 
which has palsied the production of many a people 
much more deserving — the want of intelligent and 
well remunerated labor. Human beings, considered 
simply as capital, with no reference to their human 
rights, with no regard for the law of God's own ex- 
press enactment, that the laborer is worthy of his 
hire — human beings, held as horses or heifers are 
held, can never be or produce permanent wealth. 
Behind all apparent prosperity, there is always the 
damnable fiction, which makes the most splendid 



THE TAN-YARDS. 233 

results only a show and a sham. The collapse may 
at any time come. There is nothing provident in Hu- 
man Slavery — no saving for a rainy season — it is 
all carjpe diem in its philosophy and practice. You 
cannot make black men or white men real estate 
merely by a little loose legislation. Toward a gen- 
eral recognition of this truth the whole world has 
been struggling for eight centuries, and not without 
success. Feudalism went first, although it made bet- 
ter masters and more productive vassals than slavery, 
and did not imbrute the noble by ministering to his 
personal luxury. Slavery in the Roman Empire dis- 
appeared like a mist before the sun of the new Reve- 
lation. Men were not ashamed, even in the time of 
Louis X., to manumit their vassals jpro amore Dei ; 
while Dr. Fuller and his disciples desire to keep men 
in eternal bondage for the same pious reason. The 
one great question in Russia for half a century 
has been, " How shall we be rid of serfdom ?" In 
the United States, during their whole political ex- 
istence, with a certain class, the one great question 
has been, " How shall we conserve Slavery ?" Hence 
we have been, too many of us, at one endless, horrid 
grind of logic to prove — what all the rest of the world 
was practically denying — that Human Slavery is 
profitable ; and it has all ended in Mr. De Bow's 
assertion, that there are " eight tan-yards in Louisa 
County." In sheer disgust we quit the subject. We 
do not believe that eighty tan-yards will save Slavery 
in this country, or, at last, anywhere else. 

May 1, 18G2. 



234 FASTIDIOUS MUNROE. 

VERY PARTICULAR. 

Me. Joknt F. Mtotroe is the worshipful Secession 
Mayor of New Orleans ; and although we cannot rec- 
ognize any man as a public officer who has repudiated 
his allegiance to the United States, yet, as somebody 
must do the epistolizing on the insurgent side, Mun- 
roe is perhaps as good as another for the purpose. 
His exceedingly cool letter of the 20th ult. to Capt. 
Farragut shows that he does not by any means intend 
to be " diddled out of the sweets of his unfortunate 
situation." He is quite ready to surrender the city, 
but he wishes to do it genteelly ; like the unhappy 
man at the Old Bailey, who insisted upon being 
carried up the scaffold stairs, as he could not con- 
scientiously in any way be a party to his own death. 
So Mayor, or Ex-Mayor, or Mock-Mayor Munroe is 
highly fastidious. As for pulling down the Secession 
flag, he cannot do it ; for he says that his " hand 
would be paralyzed at the very thought of such an 
act." Also "his heart." This would seem to settle 
the matter ; for, medically considered, paralysis of 
the heart is no joke, and is really a sort of complaint 
which it is not safe to indulge in oftener than three 
times a day, if so often. After this, Mayor Munroe 
begins to whimper in the following feeble style: 
" You have a gallant people to administrate during 
your occupancy of this city— a people sensitive to all 
that can in the least affect their dignity and self- 
respect. Pray, sir, do not fail to regard their sus- 
ceptibilities." 



PERSECUTION OF LO YAL18T8. 235 

Oho ! Sets the wind in that quarter ? "Will any- 
body learned in the black art tell us by what necro- 
mancy, thauinaturgy, prestidigitation, or whatever 
you may call it, the boot has been so rapidly and 
miraculously transferred to the other leg ? How have 
the "susceptibilities" of Union men fared in New 
Orleans, or anywhere else, for that matter, in the re- 
volted States ? How in East Tennessee, for instance ? 
In this very city of New Orleans, the putative Mayor 
of which now bawls for mercy, and shivers with guilty 
apprehension in his official robes, how safe has it been 
for any man — ay ! or for any woman, to question the 
morality of treason, or the duty of dissolution, or the 
exceeding beauty of Slavery, or the omniscience of 
Davis, or the invincibility of Beauregard ? Why, it 
was only the other day that we quoted from what 
was once a respectable New Orleans newspaper, 
ample evidence of the existence of a reign of terror 
in that city. Men who refused to take up arms in 
defence of the " Confederacy 5 ' were threatened with 
the direst penalties — imprisonment, confiscation, or 
even death ! Mechanics of Northern birth, who re- 
mained loyal to their country, have been swindled 
out of their wages, locked up, or forced to march in 
the traitor ranks. Schoolmistresses have been treated 
in more than one instance with excessive cruelty. 
Clergymen, guilty only of fidelity to their ordination 
vows, have been haled from their pulpits and ban- 
ished. But why do we thus dwell upon special in- 
stances ? Can any honest and intelligent reader deny 
that Secession, wickedly needless and unprovoked in 



236 CAPT. FABBAG UT SEES IT. 

its beginning, lias been coarse and blood-thirsty in its 
progress ? and now, when our victorious arms are ad- 
vancing once more to the establishment of law and 
order, this mincing Mayor, who would not have lifted 
one of his pens to save any Unionist from death at a 
lamp-post, trusts that the " susceptibilities " of Seces- 
sionists will be regarded ! We thought that we knew 
something of magisterial impudence up this way, but 
we hereby renounce all laurels in that line. We have 
nobody here to compete with Mayor Munroe ! Pray, 
why did n't he go just a little further ? Why did n't he 
make a pension for life, a bonus of $100,000, a gold 
snuff-box, and a gift of five hundred " niggers," the 
inexorable condition of his surrender ? Why did n't 
he insist, while he was about it, upon having Capt- 
Farragut's sword ? Why did n't he stipulate that the 
Secession banner should remain flung to the breeze 
— should not be pulled down at all — should still 
flaunt and flutter to soothe " the susceptibilities " of 
the late Mayor of New Orleans ? 

Then there was one other thing which stirred up 
"the susceptibility" of this ill-treated gentleman. 
" The city is yours/' he writes, with indignation, 
" by the power of brutal force." This is shameful. 
To be sure, we have never heard of besieged cities 
taken in any other way but " by the power of brutal 
force ;" but New Orleans, we suppose, should have 
been an exception. We should have captured it by 
some kind of human weakness. But Capt. Farragut 
did not see the matter exactly in that light. He 
went to work in the old-fashioned way, which was 



THE HUMANE PIKE. 237 

certainly reprehensible. The truth is, when a city is 
taken, it is absolutely necessary that somebody should 
pull the flag down — it 's a way they have in war. 
Another truth is, that if the Secessionists are so ex- 
ceeding susceptible, they should secure the comfort 
of their own delicate nerves by setting us a good ex- 
ample. There is a certain guerrilla chief, Morgan by 
name, who is hanging Unionists at the West in rather 
a free and easy, not to say reckless way ; and lately 
he varied his murderous performances by hanging a 
boy ! There also seems to have been a good deal of 
unnecessary butchery of our wounded at Pittsburg 
Landing, and upon other fields. If the susceptible 
citizens of New Orleans will form a General Sus- 
ceptible Society for the Promotion of Humanity and 
the Prevention of Scalping, with Albert Pike for 
President, perhaps the next time they are called 
upon to apprehend — not really feel — the miseries 
which have been inflicted on others, they will be just 
a trifle manlier in their appeals. Above all, they 
should suppress Mayor Munroe at once. He is evi- 
dently too " susceptible " for the wear and tear of 
public life. 

May 6, 1862. 



238 GOING! 

PRUDENT FUGACITY. 

It is an unquestionable fact, that a considerable prej- 
udice has always prevailed in military circles against 
running away; and yet it must be said, upon the 
other side, that when stampeding is more favorable 
to health and longevity than staying, it is a man's 
duty to stampede : when the ice breaks, and all the 
boys fall in, who shall blame the rest for absconding? 
But coming events cast but sable shadows in the 
paths of Richmond editors, and they do not see 
clearly why " Congress " should, just about this time, 
be in such a hurry-skurry " to disperse." The pre- 
eminent duty to save one's own bacon before attending 
to the safety of another's will be recognized, we think, 
by most persons who are in danger of cell or scaffold. 
The Rebel Congress is, so to speak, the Soul of the 
Confederacy ; and being this, no pent-up Richmond 
should contract its powers ; nor is it fair to ask hon- 
orable members to continue to introduce bills, and to 
cond.uct them with paternal kindness through the 
perils of a third reading — much less to soar rhetoric- 
ally and to spread oratorically — while guns are bel- 
lowing outside the walls, and balls are dropping in. 
It is only now and then that an Archimedes goes on 
solving a problem in mathematics while Syracuse is 
sacked and plundered. 

The Richmond Examiner thinks "it would be 
nobler and more courageous " for its Congressmen to 
remain and share the fate of the city. But, really, 
we do not see why The Examiner should have ex- 



POOR VIRGINIA! 239 

pected either " nobility " or " courage. 53 Here is a 
liandful of men who, without cause or reason, have 
madly misled their fellow citizens ; or for no nobler 
reason than selfishness, or for no worthier cause than 
petty, personal ambition. What have these pretend- 
ers done even for the South ? Have they adyanced 
its prosperity, agricultural or commercial % Is Slave 
property safer now than it was two years ago ? Is 
the Slave system stronger politically? Cogitating 
these questions, and venturing to imagine ourselves, 
for the moment, a patriarch, we feel that hanging at 
a lamp-post is just what these sham Congressmen 
should expect. No wonder they run. We do not 
believe that it is altogether from the troops of the 
Union that they are running. It is from deceived, 
beggared, desperate men — the dupes or the victims of 
the basest private ambition ! When the loyalists of 
the South are once more free to speak and to act, the 
adventurers who led blind States into the ditch of 
disunion will hardly boast stridently of their exploits. 
Virginia has, indeed, little reason to love the Con- 
federate Congress. It has brought upon her nothing 
but shame and dishonor, nothing but ruined farms 
and smoking villages, and wasted harvests; nothing 
but blockaded ports and commerce crushed ; nothing 
but an inevitable and ignominious division of her 
territory ; nothing but a disreputable reversal of her 
historical reputation; nothing but mortified pride 
and lasting reminiscences of disgrace. When the 
rebellion came, in spite of the threats of little, dirty 
groups of Richmond politicians, the citizens of Yir- 



240 THE DEGATING AGE. 

ginia were beginning, in the recesses of their hearts, 
to hope for the hour which should see them released 
from the infernal incubus of Slavery. Politicians 
ranted, and newspapers bullied, and Gov. Wise slav- 
ered and stammered, bnt it was clear to disinterested 
observers that the Richmond aristocracy would not 
forever have things their own way ; and that, when 
they were trodden down into their native mud, a 
speedy development of the immense internal resources 
of the State would follow. 

But selfish South Carolina saw fit to make Virginia 
the battle-ground of disloyalty and treason, and the 
Gulf States followed the example of that blustering 
file-leader. It was upon the head of Yirginia that 
the storm of retribution broke, and is beating still. 
The Rebel Congress flees to Richmond, and brings 
upon that city the horrors of siege and of assault ; 
and when the danger becomes imminent, the Rebel 
Congress takes up again the line of march and migra- 
tion, and abandons those to whose hospitality it is 
indebted for its feeble existence. The age is cer- 
tainly decayed. The Roman Senators, we are told, 
kept their seats in silent dignity, while the hands of 
barbarians plucked their beards. The Confederate 
Senate takes to its heels, without waiting for the first 
gun. If chivalry long since died, there has been no 
resurrection of it in Richmond. Orators, bill-mon- 
gers, constructors of constitutions, all have " levant- 
ed;" and, as The Hichmond Examiner remarks, "have 
sought for safety on their cotton-plantations," leav- 
ing the men who have housed them and fed them to 



WITHOUT ANY "CON." 241 

shift for themselves. Bolted ! stampeded ! cut ! ran ! 
vanished, like so many Catilines ! Abut, excessit, 
evasit, erv/pit! Gone, as The Richmond Whig ob- 
serves, "in a number of the newest and strongest 
canal-boats" — "drawn," as The Whig satirically 
adds, " by mules of approved sweetness of temper " — 
"armed with popguns of the longest range" — pro- 
tected "by a regiment of ladies." Why, according 
to this not very mean authority, this Confederate 
Congress is a Congress of Cowards ! Simple Cow- 
ards ! No more, and no less ! A cowardly cream of 
the cream, to be sure ! 

Now, we beg leave to call the attention of the 
reader to the fact, that these charges of poltroonery, 
made by Rebel editors against Rebel Congressmen, 
are explicit, plainly spoken, undisguised, and unmis- 
takable in their animus, which is full of animosity. 
Virginia is to be sacrificed — to be left to the tender 
mercies of the Union, while the old original South- 
ern Confederacy goes into business upon its own 
hook ! Here is a further evidence, if it w r ere needed, 
that this is a "Confederacy" without any "Con" 
where brothers in arms, associates in the founda- 
tion of a new Republic, are already at loggerheads. 
This beautiful Union is already disunited. This fresh, 
young nation is already living in a rainy season of 
pronnnciamentos. It will be worse shortly. There 
can be no permanence in Human Slavery, for it lacks 
every one of the elements of stability, and there can 
be no permanence in a Political Government which 
is founded upon such a sandy fallacy. 

May 9, 186.2. \ \ 



21-2 EXTEMPORE. 



EXTEMPORIZING PARTIES. 

When pestilence is raging, the manufacturers of infal- 
lible pills are always uncommonly ingenious and busy ; 
but thus far, through our terrible political troubles, the 
political quack-salvers have kept remarkably quiet. 
The Republican party was good enough to go ahead, 
to take the chances of praise and blame, of success 
and failure, of life and death — a good party enough 
to grumble at, after that subdued fashion of fault- 
finding which was moderate enough to keep the 
querulous out of custody. JSfow that the Rebellion 
is in a fair way of being crushed, we predict an im- 
mense uprising of old gentlemen from their virtuous 
couches, an extraordinary putting off of night-caps, 
and an absolute hurricane of propositions. Some 
people naturally see no safety for the Union except 
in the resurrection of old-fashioned Democracy — but 
upon that we do not intend to waste many words. 
The wildest vagaries of mad Millerism are rigid com- 
mon sense, when compared with this notion of the 
vivification of a party of w^hich the principles are 
absolutely obsolete, and of which the members are 
mostly in the church-yard. All hope of a modern 
miracle being therefore absurd, it is sagaciously pro- 
posed, by one of the newspapers in this city, to recon- 
struct the Republican party — to purge it, to wash it, 
to rehabilitate it, to make it respectable, by casting 
out what are called its "radical" elements. The 
volunteer washerwoman on this occasion has kindly 
printed her soap-and-water programme. With emi- 



THE BABIGAL ELEMENT. 243 

nent prudence, she condescends to allow tlie Presi- 
dent of the United States to remain in the party. 
Also, all other persons, public or private, who will give 
their solemn word to refrain from " rampant radical- 
ism 5 ' — couchant radicalism being, we suppose, per- 
mitted. Only " a conservative policy " is to be toler- 
ated ; and it is anticipated that " the radical," find- 
ing this " intolerable, 5 ' will " become outrageous and 
bolt," 

" And leave the spoils to Crittenden and me." 

Of course, after this " radical bolting, the Repub- 
lican party will be the natural nucleus for all the con- 
servative men in the country." A respectable wing 
of the Slaveholders will be attached, and we shall all 
go along again beautifully in a mild muddle of Pro- 
Slavery Compromises, until our sweet " Southern 
brethren " are quite ready for another bloody and 
costly insurrection. 

Kow, in the first place, we should like to have it 
specifically stated what this Radical Element in the 
Republican party is. It must, to begin with, be 
something to which not only is the President not 
committed, but something to which he is absolutely 
opposed ; because, in the new arrangement, he is not 
to be left out in the cold, but benevolently taken in 
and done for. Therefore, as he is understood to favor 
the confiscation of the Slaves of Rebels, and is known 
to approve the Abolition of Slavery in the District 
of Columbia, and is also pledged to the doctrine of 
IsTon-Extension, we do not really see why he should 
not be turned out with the rest of us. We presume 



244: WILL HE 8TA Y SEIZED f 

that he is to be kept in, only because he will not be 
an easy personage to expel. It is truly a most saga- 
cious stroke of policy to seize the President in the 
very beginning ; for the king's name is a tower of 
strength. But whether he will stay seized ; whether 
he will exactly relish this summary disposition of his 
person and his principles, is more than we, not being 
a court-organ, can pretend to foretell, any more than 
we can foresee, what in this regeneration, transmuta- 
tion, and transmogrification, will be done with the 
Secretary of State. We think that we have, in our 
time, heard him called " a radical " — of course, by 
his enemies ; and as so many of them will be found 
in the same conservative boat with him, it may take 
all the influence of The Journal, which professes to 
serve the country, to prevent his being cast into the 
sea — which would be painful. 

We have not ventured to say one word of the Re- 
publican party as a mass. What ordinary private 
people may think of such gigantic operations as these, 
is not of the least consequence. What is to become 
of the great body of the Northern voters ? Will they 
do as they are told to do ? Have they a passion for 
being disposed of by wholesale? chaffered for and 
cheapened by cliques ? stuffed full of other men's 
opinions? completely exenterated as to their own? 
Ah ! but we are all to be graciously allowed the 
Chicago Platform ! We should much like to know 
who has asked for anything else — except, indeed, 
Mr. Crittenden, who, in the new arrangement, is to 
be allowed, we presume, a private platform of his 



HO W WILL MB. CRITTENDEN LIKE IT t 245 

own. And if he, why not other people who may 
fall into the regenerated ranks ? Why not insert a 
polygamical plank, and rope in Brigham Young! 
Really, since these gentlemen are to take possession 
of us, of our souls, our bodies, our President, our 
Congress, our constituencies, our clubs, and our news- 
papers, it behooves us to be enquiring, with all due 
civility, what we are to believe after all the arrange- 
ments have been completed ? Will the reconstructors 
leave us our name ? or will they filch it from us ? or 
will they call themselves the Reformed Republican 
Party? Has not that word, "Reformed," an ugly 
sound ? to say nothing of that other word, " Repub- 
lican?" Pray, how will dear Mr. Crittenden like 
that ? 

The whole scheme, it must be allowed, argues 
great kindness of nature in the schemers. We are 
not only to welcome home the Prodigal Son, but we 
are to have the heaviest calf all killed and dressed, 
and ready for him. To be sure, his highly improper 
conduct has cost us a great deal of money — but we 
must not be radical ! lie has well nigh ruined the 
nation for a whim — but we must not be radical ! 
He has emulated the maddest red-republicanism of 
France — but we must not be radical ! He has cost us 
millions of money and thousands of lives — but we 
must not be radical ! We must leave to him the fan- 
tastic tricks, the humors, the whims, and the manias 
of politics — but we must not be radical ! He has been 
all wrong, but we must not be radical in setting him 
right — not radical in enforcing: iustice, in measuring 



24:8 ABB WE RADICAL t 

penalties, in probing swindles, in redressing injuries^ 
in providing for the future. Oh no ! When we deal 
with him, we must deal tenderly, maugre the dread- 
ful trouble which he has brought upon us, and him- 
self. We must bate our breath ! We must whisper 
our humbleness ! We must return good for evil, and 
in doing so we must not only be good, but goodies ! 

Finally, we protest once for all against the as- 
sumption that the Republican party has, in any bad 
sense of the word, been "radical." Considering all 
things, the world has reason to be astonished at the 
moderation which it has exhibited. The glib talk 
about " fanaticism " had no meaning when it was so 
freely indulged in during the late Presidential can- 
vass, no more than it has now, when it is quite as 
freely employed by some of our professed associates. 
Offensive and meaningless nicknames are quite out 
of place in discussions so grave as these are. The 
Republicans do not profess to love Slavery — no, nor 
Slaveholders as such ; they do not pretend to devise 
any patched-up treaties, or to seek for hollow truces ; 
they would gladly see the cause of this wicked Rebel- 
lion vanish with the Rebellion itself; they desire not 
only a present triumph of the laws, but security for 
the future good behavior of men who have shown 
themselves to be reckless and desperate ; yet, with all 
their stiffest opinions, and with all their most ardent 
hopes, they have never dreamed for a moment of 
transcending Constitutional limits, or of indulging an 
unworthy revenge. All speculations, therefore, which 
presuppose that any considerable body of the mem- 



ANNIYEBSAR Y BO UTINE. 247 

bers of our Party can be drawn out of its organiza- 
tion by a predominance in its councils of a moderate 

d J- 

policy, are at once absurd and insulting ; and so they 
will be regarded, no matter by whom they may be 
undertaken: 

May 19, 1862. 



PLATFORM NOVELTIES. 



There has just closed a week of " Anniversary Meet- 
ings " in Boston, under novel, not to say awful cir- 
cumstances. While the struggle for Emancipation 
was going on in Congress ; while the fate of General 
Banks's little army was yet in suspense ; while five 
thousand volunteers were pouring into the city, the 
Men of the Platform also gathered for the yearly talk 
and tea ; and the motley " delegates " wended their 
way to this church or that " temple " to the music of 
unusual fifes and drums. We all know what these 
anniversary meetings have heretofore been. In many 
of them there was an established routine. Somebody 
read a financial report; somebody then abused the 
" Abolitionists," and deprecated agitation ; and then 
everybody went into the vestry for ham-sandwiches, 
coffee, and cut-and-dried jokes. 

But the drums and fifes, with the proclamations of 
Gov. Andrew's proclamation, have cheerfully averted 
the prescriptive monotony. The Bible Society was 
told by Dr. Harris that " God created all men free 
and equal, and that we should use no man as a tool, 



24:8 THE AGREEMENT OF THE DOCTORS. 

or an inferior beino; to ourselves." The American 
Peace Society was told by Dr. Malcolm that the 
Rebel States should be permitted "to come in as 
Territories." The Young Men's Christian Associa- 
tion was entertained by " many merited compliments 
to the virtues of ~New England soldiers, and condoled 
with in the repulse of Gen. Banks's division." The 
Address to the American Unitarian Association was 
by the Rev. "William Henry Channing, and urged 
" the unification of the various State institutions, by 
which we should be known as the Model Republic." 
Mr. Robert 0. Winthrop, before the American Tract 
Society, managed to speak well of " that brave and 
gallant son of Massachusetts, Gen. Banks," which we 
consider to have been the most extraordinary utter- 
ance of the whole week. 

At the Morning Prayer Meetings " thanks were 
offered for the almost uniform success of our arms." 
The Church Anti-Slavery Society emphatically, in a 
series of eloquent resolutions, endorsed Gen. Hunter's 
Army Order, ~No. 11. The Home Missionary Soci- 
ety was cheered by the Rev. Mr. Jenkins, who, un- 
daunted by the fact that Dr. (Southside) Adams was 
in the chair, asserted that " the war will colonize the 
South with men who will encourage the labors of 
this Society." Upon the whole, we think this must 
have been an uncommonly trying week for Dr. 
Adams. It is curious to think what a sweep of cob- 
web sophistry, laboriously spun out of the very 
bowels of scholastic theology, this civil war has made. 
It is wonderful to note how remorselessly facts are 



THE DA WJSf OF DA T. 249 

treading clown theories, and how some gentlemen, 
who blanched at the voice of a single agitator, are 
growing patriotically strong, and do not wince at the 
reverberations of a cannonade. The traitors now in 
arms against the Constitution have done it an inesti- 
mable service by silencing, we thankfully believe 
forever, that apologetic drivel which assumed, under 
every vicissitude, that Slaveholders were standing 
faithfully by Constitutional provisions, and honestly 
yielding obedience to their minutest requirements, 
while Anti-Slavery men, no matter what form their 
opinions might take, were, by the intrinsic vice of 
these opinions, hostile to sound politics and religious 
orthodoxy. 

These weary years of recrimination, of slander, and 
of dishonorable imputations, have gone by at last ; 
and though we are environed by a thousand difficul- 
ties, and by perils innumerable, we all breathe a 
purer atmosphere, and are forced to listen to fewer 
falsehoods. We bid our readers be of good cheer — 
we feel, we know, that there is health and strength 
in this storm, that there is union in this disunion, 
and a long peace awaiting the end of this sharp con- 
flict. The platforms have been swept and garnished. 
Te gods ! when one remembers the rubbish which 
once cumbered them — limping exegesis and dusty 
diagnosis, split texts, ethnological puzzles, and sugar- 
coated pills — schemes of saving the Union by prayer, 
and other schemes of saving it by pugilism — reams 
of resolutions, rosy at once and wrathful — heaps of 
exenterated tracts, sleek and spliced for the Southern 
11* 



250 HAIR-SPLITTING OVER. 

market — subscription papers for sending regiments of 
missionaries to South Carolina — when one recalls all 
these, how enrapturing the reflection that no more 
hairs are to be painfully divided, that there is to be 
no more mumbling and devising, no more present- 
ment of the worse for the better reason, no more re- 
liance upon shabby succedaneums, and that even in 
these awful alcoves of graduated political and moral 
regeneration, a spade is hereafter to be plumply 
called a spade, though calling it so should put the 
whole solar system out of joint, and make chaos come 
again ! After such a change, going down into the 
very depths of our social life, who, we may ask, of all 
those who drank the anniversary coffee, and ate the 
yearly cake in Boston, did not feel a refreshing sense 
of reviving manhood or womanhood ? 

If any person fondly thinks that the Northern 
people are ready to go back to the deadly-lively ac- 
quiescences which created the Compromise Bill, the 
Kansas Bill, and the Fugitive Slave Bill, we advise 
him to read the proceedings of the anniversary week 
in Boston. They will prove to him, we think, as 
they have certainly proved to us, that hereafter, what- 
ever may happen, the Slaveholders must look to some 
less respectable quarter than that of the Northern 
Churches for sympathy and succor. When this war 
closes, it will close upon the Northern people as thor- 
oughly united upon the basis of a general moral prin- 
ciple as ever were the Slaveholders upon the lower 
ground of an abased self-interest. The future holds 
in itself good hap and evil, but whether it shall 



BEAR MOTHER EXGLA^D. 251 

bring the sweet or the bitter, there are certain ques- 
tions which will be no longer vexed in the Northern 
States. Very long we have been in coming to this 
point, and very tardy in our recognition of the sim- 
plest verities ; but now there can be no footsteps 
backward. The Rebels have called for the previous 
question. Henceforth serious debate upon funda- 
mentals is impossible, for Freedom has been vindi- 
cated by her bitterest enemies. 

June 4,1862. 



PROPHECIES AND PROBABILITIES. 

American gentlemen in London have, heretofore, 
when invited to give a taste of their quality at Guild- 
hall and other civic banquets, been in the habit of 
uttering a speech after the following formula : "Dear 
old Mother England — language of Shakespeare and 
Milton — Mama Charta — America the child of Brit- 

CD 

annia — peace, good will, fraternization forever ! " 
Then came cheers as hearty as Old Particular by the 
gallon could make them ; and really, one would have 
thought that turtle and port- wine had usurped the 
place of the metaphorical milk and honey of the mil- 
lennium. When our great Rebellion broke out Amer- 
ican gentlemen, enthusiastic readers of Milton and 
Shakespeare, expected that, of course, England would 
sympathise with our Government, contending not 
only against treason, but against treason in behalf of 
human Slavery. Thev have been undeceived. They 



252 ENGLAND '8 MEASURE OF MORALITY. 

have been taught that with England the measure of 
success is the measure of morality. Very early in 
the contest, which is now so rapidly approaching a 
happy and honorable conclusion, all sensible men 
were forced to believe that we had nothing to hope 
for from English sympathy or forbearance, and that 
foreign criticism must be disarmed before it would 
become kindly. We accepted the condition which a 
frigid diplomatic policy imposed upon us ; we have 
struggled alone through many reverses, and have 
proved the groundlessness of many apprehensions ; 
and we have now in all sincerity to thank our British 
detractors for leaving us to rely, through all, upon 
our own energies and internal resources. We have 
contracted no entangling alliances in this struggle, 
and we shall emerge from it in debt only to ourselves. 
The moral effect of such a triumph is worth all the 
cost of the war. With victorv everywhere illustrat- 
ing our banners, we can afford good-naturedly to 
laugh at parliamentary alarmists and dogmatical 
newspapers. With all other experiences, we have 
found out the Jupiter Scapin — the Great Thunderer 
of the European journals ; and hereafter, though he 
may beat his best gong never so sonorously, we shall 
only laugh, and say, " Well thundered ! Yery well 
thundered, indeed !" It is as fatal for a lion to go 
about in an ass's skin, as for John Donkey to put on 
the leonine hide ; and a man who is in a passion 
every day of his life, rarely succeeds in affrighting 
anybody. The London newspapers told us that we 
could not put down the Rebellion ; but that did not 



VICTOBIO US B UT IN SOL VENT. 253 

deter us from going bravely to work. They now tell 
us that we have put down the Rebellion. Gentle 
reader, pray do n't let the admission disturb your 
equanimity, for a single Union reverse would set 
them all to croaking at us again. The praise and 
the blame are of equal value. There never were such 
fellows as these for foretelling what has already come 
to pass. Having pretty well put down the Rebellion, 
it is certainly kind in The Times to admit that we 
shall probably put it down. Great reputations for 
sagacity have been made before in the same easy way. 
But we trust that we shall not painfully dishearten 
holders of government securities when wo tell them, 
that in the opinion of The Times ^ though we can 
crush the revolt, we cannot pay our debts ; because 
we are heartily assured that when we have paid 
them, the same far-sighted writers will invent a bran- 
new bugbear. At present. Bull will have it that 
although victorious we are insolvent. Reallv, we do 
not remember anything cooler than this. With an 
immense commerce, with an unequalled agricultural 
production, with small foreign liabilities, with a mon- 
opoly of two great staples, and the abundant produc- 
tion of a third, with a people eminently skilled, by 
the confession of their rivals, in the art of accumulat- 
ing wealth, with a territory capable of limitless pro- 
duction, with great fisheries and great mines, our 
public paper, if we may believe The Times ^ repre- 
sents nothing, and will soon be good for nothing. 
Now, in private commercial circles, the man who 
studiously undermines his neighbor's credit, is usu- 



254 AN ILLOGICAL SLANDER. 

ally regarded as a scoundrel ; but perhaps it is more 
honorable to gratify a jealous spleen by predicting 
the insolvency of a nation. For this, as for other 
amiable exhibitions of disinterestedness, we must be 
prepared. A debt created for the defence of the 
Constitution, in the opinion of every intelligent citi- 
zen, is a debt created for his own benefit, relief, and 
prosperity ; and those who have freely offered their 
lives in that great behalf, will hardly turn conspira- 
tors and traitors to avoid taxation. Out of the same 
reverence for law, which they have already so abun- 
dantly manifested, they will fulfill the pecuniary ob- 
ligations which the law imposes. What right has 
the slro-shod speculator, to whom we have been re- 
ferring, to take it for granted that the same great 
West, which has so generously and assiduously en- 
gaged in the suppression of one variety of treason, 
will itself petulantly engage in another ? Is it manly, 
is it gentlemanly, is it even old- womanly — this per- 
sistence in the sheerest gossip of detraction ? — this 
depreciation against which, if it were but as effective 
as it is malicious, the credit of no nation could stand 
for a year ? And is it for England to assert and main- 
tain the novel doctrine that a great national debt is 
tantamount to a great national bankruptcy? — for 
England, with a debt of her own so enormously large 
that no man has ever proposed any scheme for pay- 
ing it without being pronounced mad ? It is hardly 
in such a quarter that we shall seek either for advice 
or example. 

The American people, as fully alive to the evils of 



PREVIOUS GOOD CHARACTER. 255 

taxation as they are aware of its necessity, will hardly 
hug their debt as a blessing, to be sacredly preserved 
for generation after generation. Once, already, they 
have blotted out the last trace of public indebtedness 
with an impatience which nothing but solvency could 
satisfy ; and they have a right to be judged, not by 
the speculations of an ignorant casuist, but by their 
own record as it is made up in history. It is hard to 
write upon this topic without seeming to boast ; but, 
certainly, if a nation is to be thus gratuitously dis- 
credited, it has a right to plead previous good char- 
acter. 

There has been more noise made abroad about 
American Repudiation than the facts, disgraceful as 
they were, warranted ; but the credit of the United 
States of America has always been as good, is as 
good to-day, and will be in the future as good as the 
credit of England ; and we think that this is stating 
the case very mildly — while it is at this moment bet- 
ter than the credit of more than one European power, 
the downfall of which nobody anticipates. Until, 
therefore, we commit an act of insolvency, we beg 
foreign writers, to whom we owe nothing, to possess 
their souls in peace. We are not utterly deficient in 
prudence and economy, of the necessity of which we 
are every day reminded ; and he who writes us down 
fools, before we have proved our incompetency, is 
himself included in his own accusation. There is an 
abiding compensation in all our troubles. Through 
successes and reverses, through doubts and distrac- 
tions, not less than through encouraging good for- 



256 A MEMPEIAN MOLLIFIED. 

tunes, we are making for ourselves an antiquity and 
a history — we are consolidating a nationality — we 
are storing up precious traditions — we are, in the 
midst of war, becoming worthy of the blessings of 
peace. Those who believe that there is nothing for 
us but a ruinous and irremediable dissolution, must 
be shamefully ignorant, or contemptibly besotted by 
spleen and prejudice. No nation could be more 
grateful than ours, not for foreign arms taken up in 
our behalf, but for foreign sympathy ; yet if it cannot 
be ours, without a sacrifice of principle or honor, cer- 
tainly there is no nation that can better afford to do 
without it. 

June 11, 1862. 



" DRAWING IT MILD " IN MEMPHIS. 

We are ready to make our solemn affidavit that there 
is nothing in this world like that divine philosophy 
which is succinctly expressed in the great command, 
" Grin and bear it." The conductor of the Memphis 
Avalanche has so gracefully melted into this mild 
mood that, Secessionist as he is, we consider him to 
be a credit to the craft. He owns up like a man. 
He admits that he is " humbled and downcast." His 
" pride has been wounded." "What then ? Does he 
wriggle and roar ? Does he inefficiently flounder like 
a fish out of water ? Not at all. He quietly con- 
cludes to make the best of a bad matter. Like Ar- 
chimedes, at Syracuse, he involves himself in his vir- 



PHILOSOPHY OF PATIENCE. 257 

tue, and goes on with his studies, though, the Union 
foot is upon the neck of Memphis. " Let us/ 5 he 
says, with an originality and power which are alike 
admirable, " let us bear with manly fortitude what 
we are unable to avoid." " This," he concludes, " is 
true philosophy — a philosophy suited to our condi- 
tion. 5 ' Now, this calm, godlike, serene, and unim- 
passioned acquiescence appears to us to be something 
in itself so exquisitely beautiful, and something, more- 
over, so much needed in Memphis, that our hope is 
that our editorial brother will consent to erect in that 
city a school for the express dissemination of his doc- 
trine, which is much needed there — a kind of portico, 
lyeeum, or academy — in which, like Aristotle or 
Plato, he may rub his true philosophy, like an emol- 
lient ointment, into the tender frames of the fevered 
youth of Memphis ; in which he may teach them 
that the grace of submission is better than bowie- 
knives and " barkers," and a stern stoicism infinitely 
preferable to peach-brandy and peppermint. 

There are wild ones in Secessia who clearly need 
this medical indoctrination and sagely sanative treat- 
ment. There are ferocious old fools, and young ones 
there, who talk with maniac energy of dying in the 
last ditch ; who prattle grimly of the combustion of 
themselves and of their cotton ; who itch to make a 
new Moscow of Memphis — who conceive it to be 
quite necessary, should worst come to worst, to blow 
up the universe generally, and to put an end to them- 
selves, playing Cato of Utica with a real sword, in 
particular. These perturbed spirits need laying, or 



258 FELO-DE-SE IN FASHION. 

they will do themselves a mischief. For our partj 
unless the new Memphis philosophy can be brought 
into high fashion, we look for an unpleasant super- 
fluity of arson and suicide in Confederate regions — 
squads of disgusted chevaliers popping themselves off 
after the high Roman fashion — piles of patriarchs, 
w T ho, having first slaughtered all their niggers, cows, 
sows, horses, dogs, wives, sheep and daughters, will 
be found wrapt in the Confederate flag as in a wind- 
ing sheet, as dead and as dignified as Julius Caesar, 
with the remains of their former greatness gloomily 
heaped around them. To be sure, in the cities 
already " subjugated," we do n't hear of these patri- 
otic diversions. The most rampant patriots appear 
to subside with a wonderful facility, and to disregard 
quite contemptuously the injunction to destroy them- 
selves, in which some of their newspapers abound, 
e suppose, however, that they are waiting for a 



General Proclamation of Suicide by their mock- 
President Davis. They are desirous of dying ac- 
cording to law, and of destroying themselves consti- 
tutionally. It becomes their Davis-ian Jefferson — 
the best Jefferson they have, poor fellows ! — himself 
to set the example. When all is lost, we hold that it 
will be his duty to blow out what brains he may have 
left — his remainder cerebrum, so to speak. To make 
the whole proceeding more sublime, he might an- 
nounce that upon the 14th inst., at high noon, he 
intended to consummate hisfelo de se, and request 
his friends and admirers to hang or shoot themselves, 
or to take big morphine pills, at the same identical 



MODEL PENITENTS. 259 

moment. Then, with simultaneous kick or quiver, 
or firing their own salvo over their departure for 
Hades, the Chiefs of Secession might secede from 
this wicked world, and enter upon another from 
which, however hot, secession will be impossible. 

We throw out these hints merely from an ardent 
passion for seeing things done neatly. If we are to 
have no Confederate States, we shall need no Confed- 
erate Statesmen. In a restored Union it will be im- 
possible to put Mr. Jefferson Davis and his crazy 
cronies to any sort of use. Will they have the grace 
to step out ? Will they have the goodness to leave an 
unappreciative world, and betake themselves to those 
places which, from the beginning, have been prepared 
for them ? 

We do not know. We confess that we are by no 
means assured, and the new Memphis philosophy 
somewhat staggers our confidence in the desiderated 
stampede. What if the Secessionists, as The Ava- 
lanche would seem to indicate, should turn capital 
Christians — models of forgetfulness and forgiveness, 
after all ? What if it should suddenly dawn upon 
the Secession mind, the smoke of battle no longer, in 
conjunction with extra whisky, befogging the brain, 
that a big plantation and a plenty of " niggers," and 
Slavery guaranteed by the Federal Government, will 
be more pleasant than the neatest and most impress- 
ive and historically correct suicide ? What says The 
Avalanche man ? Is he not ready to go on, letting 
slide innumerable and endless Avalanches, even un- 
der the accursed Federal banner ? And if he, cream 



260 MUST WE FORGIVE THEM? 

of Confederate cream — the guide, philosopher. Men- 
tor and Palinurus of the Rebellion in those parts, is 
so submissive, why who can tell how many others 
will follow his loyal lead ? What are we to do ? If 
these great ones, when they are " humbled and down- 
cast — their pride wounded/' etc. — are to betake them- 
selves to " a philosophy suited to their condition " — 
must we forgive them for the sake of science '? It is 
a question for jurists. Such clear evidence of a peni- 
tent disposition is certainly worthy, in these wicked 
times, of a charitable consideration. That impulse 
which we all feel to spare the sick and the sorry is 
one of the best feelings of our common nature. 

June 21, 1862. 



LOYALTY AND LIGHT. 



The attentive reader will already have noticed that 
the Union party in Maryland is also an Emancipation 
party, and regards with a certain complacency the 
project of the President for the abolition of Slavery. 
Day by day we see more and more clearly that the 
life of a blundering and bad institution has been set 
upon this desperate cast, and that the hazard of the 
die is against it. With a fatuity which seems to us 
to be perfectly wonderful, and much as if the gods, 
determined to destroy, had first made mad, we find 
the admirers of the Slave-system coupling it now and 
forever with treason, surrounding it by degrading as- 
sociations, and making it, in the mind of the whole 



DEGRADING THE DEGRADED. 261 

country, responsible for the perils which environ us. 
It has been the architect of its own rain. It has 
been very cunning in its own overthrow. Owing 
every moment of its existence to the coercions of 
positive law, and existing in spite of its numerous 
violations of natural right, it has been the first to de- 
molish the bulwarks which surrounded it, and to cast 
contempt upon the statute-book which was its only 
charter. Wise men said that it was perilous to the 
liberties of the land, and foolish men have been kind 
enough to demonstrate the truth of the proposition. 
It has simply succeeded in achieving a bad character 
at home and abroad. 

The Maryland Unionists, while indulging in their 
little harmless fling at the " Abolitionists," explicitly 
admit that Slavery is now " injurious to the political 
and material interests" of the South. We do not 
see how any Union Slaveholder can think otherwise ; 
because, logically, the Rebellion has forced him into 
precisely this position, and will keep him there, until 
he disowns his fealty to the Constitution. They in- 
sist, these fighting slaveholders, with their hands at his 
throat and their halters dangling over his head, that 
if he is the friend of the Union and the Laws, he 
must be the foe of that institution which is the cor- 
•ner-stone and, for that matter, all the other stones of 
the Confederacy. They give him no choice. They 
will hear of no compromise. They declare him, if 
a law-abiding man, to be the bitter antagonist of 
Slavery, and they compel him, if he would not stul- 
tify himself, to turn Emancipationist in self-defence. 



262 THE OLD DEFENDERS. 

It is in this sagacious way, with a sublime scorn of 
all common statesmanship, that they make and keep 
friends. ISTo wonder that in many of the Slave States 
men who see their fortunes and happiness all risked, 
infinitely against their inclinations, in this insane ad- 
venture, are quite willing to surrender their own 
slaveholding to save themselves from the slaveholding 
of their neighbors. 

Owners of negroes, we suppose, like other human 
beings, may be naturally divided into fools and wise 
men. We remember only one really able defender of 
Slavery in the abstract. Mr. Calhoun brought a gi- 
gantic intellect to the service of error, and did for a 
patent political mistake all that great intellectual 
powers and an iron will could do for it. But when 
he died he left no successor. Puny public men bab- 
bled weak parodies of his reasoning, or more safely 
ensconced themselves behind his ipse dixit. We re- 
gard with what we believe to be a just contempt the 
lame and lamentable perversions of Scripture with 
which Pro-Slavery Doctors of Divinity have be- 
numbed the minds and hearts of their hearers ; for 
the inexorable logic of facts has silenced their sanc- 
tified prattle for ever. 

The men who now defend Slavery are quite of an- 
other class- — bloated brawlers of the bar-rooms who 
blaspheme and quote the Bible in one drunken breath 
— half-witted whites who if they could possibly have 
an opinion, would sell it for a pint of grog — lazy 
women who shrink from domestic toil as from a daily 
degradation — bull-dog overseers bestialized to the 



THE NEW DEFENDERS. 263 

low level of their vocation — wholesale and retail deal- 
ers in human flesh — these are the passionate, voluble, 
unreasoning and bigoted advocates of Slavery as of 
something intrinsically beautiful. The day of their 
ascendency in Southern society is passing away in 
storm and blood. They still crawl about in the slime 
and smear of their system, as hideous monsters crept 
to and fro over the earth half created. They have 
taken the sword, and when, in fulfillment of an eter- 
nal law, they have perished by the sword, there will 
be no new hybrids to fill their places in the regenerat- 
ed Republic. They will disappear, and with them 
that semi-barbarous system of espionage and intimi- 
dation which has made Slavery a thing exempt from 
question and discussion. They have themselves taken 
off the taboo, and there will be none left weak enough 
to do the discredited idol reverence. 

On the other hand, slaveholders of quite another 
stamp, men not utterly besotted, men of homely com- 
mon sense, of thought and of prudence, w T ill begin to 
speak in behalf of the simplest laws of morality and 
political moralitj^. They will say: whatever else 
Slavery may be worth, it is not worth this — the eter- 
nal wrangle, the daily disquietude, the temptation to 
political crime, the shameful disregard of political 
covenants which it provokes, and the violence which 
it perpetually stimulates — the uncertainty with which 
it embarrasses ail the operations of commerce — the 
degradation of the employed and the ceaseless anxie- 
ty of the employer-r-the debauchery of mind, heart 
and body to which it subjects our youth — the unsex- 



264 THE YiEDGE ENTERING. 

ing of our women, the emasculation of our men, and 
the heathenization of our churches — no, Slavery is 
not worth this fearful price! To this conclusion 
the thoughtful and. intelligent slaveholder will be 
forced by his interests, his conscience, his reason, his 
affections and his patriotism. 

These are natural conclusions from the theory 
which we take for granted, that the Rebellion will be 
crushed and the Union maintained. You cannot 
conquer the treasonous slaveholders without conquer- 
ing the cause in behalf of which they are embattled. 
When once the work begins there will be no going 
backward. Emancipate, upon principle, one thous- 
and slaves, and you. have virtually emancipated one 
hundred thousand. It is the first step that is costly 
and fearful. However small the wedge, when once 
it has entered it will inevitably overthrow this im- 
posing monument of human folly, crime, outrage and 
suffering. Make Maryland a free state, as sooner or 
later it must be, or make Missouri a free State, as it 
speedily will be, and the criminal compact, the con- 
spiracy against civilization, which has broken our 
peace, will be dissolved for ever, and even the next 
generation will wonder why we so long suffered our- 
selves to grope and stumble when the broad and 
bright road of righteousness invited us to walk 
in it. 

June 33, 1862. 



" JUST IN THE SAME TRACK." 265 

HEDGING. 

There is a clever play which in spite of its wicked- 
ness is still read for its wit, and the coarse comedy 
of which is concluded as follows : • 

" Flippanta. Then all 's peace again ; but we have been 
more lucky than wise. 

" Araminta. And I suppose, for us, Clarissa, we are to go on 
with our dears, as we used to do. 

" Clarissa. Just in the same track." 

So in the popular song of the " Cork Leg" we are 
told that long after the portly proportions of the Rot- 
terdam burgher were reduced to a skeleton, 
" The Leg kept on the same as before." 

Slavery is the leg of the Southern Rebellion ; and 
we are not surprised to hear, therefore, through Gen- 
eral Butler, of a " Southern Independence Associa- 
tion," which, when the Confederacy has gone to its 
diabolical father, is to " labor for the reconstruction of 
the Democratic party, or any other political organi- 
zation by which the South can regain its political as- 
cendency," nor should we be electrified to learn that 
the virtuous Mr. Benjamin Wood has become an 
Honorary Brother of this shrewd league. 

" If we must go back," no doubt argue these pre- 
cautious patriarchs, " let us see to it that we go back 
with Slavery strengthened, and with our chattels still 
more strongly confirmed to us ! The dear Democrats 
are doubtless still our friends and will help us to make 
this detestable Union tolerable." We must admit 
that this shows not only good pluck but reasonable 
12 



266 SHALL WE HAVE A TRUCE? 

common sense. Slaveholders have found out that. 
Slavery preserved, they can at any time frighten the 
whole country — at any time bankrupt the Federal 
Treasury — at any time embarrass and distract the 
Free States — at any time, by judicious wickedness, re- 
gain lost ground — at any time sustain themselves by 
the might of swagger. They will be charmed if we 
will but forgive them. They have no objection to 
any number of infernal quadrilles, provided only we 
of the North with our soft hearts and our long purses 
will pay the piper. 

" The Union" will still be a good word to conjure 
withal, while we remain forgiving and forgetful. 
Should Congress prove at any time intractable, or 
morbidly philanthropic, the Man-Owners will again 
take up their muskets and shoot them a few thousand 
Yankee Volunteers, which will afford them a sweet 
opening for another treaty and another kiss of recon- 
ciliation. More battles — more sieges — more hair- 
breadth 'scapes, — more waste of wealth ; and, " we are 
to go on with our dears, as we used to do, just in the 
same track !" 

So then, we are to have a truce, after all, and not 
a peace. Rebellion is to be like the yellow fever — it 
may come or it may not come, but it will be well al- 
ways to be prepared for it. For our own part, after 
such a pacification, we are not, we confess, sharp-sight- 
ed enough to see how the slaveholding interest can up- 
on any occasion, pending any question, fail to have its 
own way. Voting in Congress will be the emptiest 
of farces. Honorable Members for the Plantations 



THE MONSTER REJUVENATED. 267 

will have little need to discuss the merits of measures. 
Their speeches may well be brief and somewhat after 
this fashion : " Do n't pass the bill ! If you do, we 
shall revolt, you know, and really, by this time, we 
think that you must have had enough of that." 

"We do n't know what Honorable Members for New 
York or Massachusetts would have to say to this. 
They might indeed in a passion retort : " Revolt and 
be hanged !" but after the old emollient arrangements, 
Honorable Members for the Plantations would laugh 
at hangmen as love laughs at locksmiths. This, we 

CD G J 

take it, would be sufficient to flutter the doves from 
the Free States into the most amiable compliance. 
If not, Slavery, the cause of unnumbered crimes and 
of all our woes, under the operation of the three-fifths 
clause of the Constitution, by the aid of its resuscitat- 
ed Democratic henchmen, would still vote always in 
its own behalf; and we should only escape civil wars 
by submitting to the old dictatorship. 

Who can think of a return to this condition with- 
out a qualm ? Not he surely whose children's bones 
are bleaching upon some Southern battle-field ! Not 
he whose fortune may have been dissipated in despe- 
rate attempts to reconcile Northern enterprise with 
Southern sluggishness ! Not he who has felt in his 
heart the exceeding great villainy of this war against 
the Union ! For we believe that all persons of ordi- 
nary intelligence will look with fear and trembling, 
and an unspeakable grief, upon any arrangement of 
public affairs which shall leave us at the mercy of 
those miserable and unreasoning passions which Slav- 



268 AN AGE OF ANARCHY. 

ery engenders. Distrust is the fatal bane of all polit- 
ical stability. 

The people of the Free States have lost for ever 
that confidence in the honor of Slaveholders which 
once permitted them to hope for peace however 
stormy might be the portents. The possibility of a 
sanguinary revolt is settled and the probability is set- 
tled too ; and hereafter with Slavery remaining a po- 
litical power in the land, there will always be a fear- 
ful looking-for of violence. The volcano will ever 
threaten. The brightest skies will be no security 
against a whirlwind. The craziest slaveholding trai- 
tor can have no objection to such a truce, which by 
leaving him without punishment, leaves him without 
warning against a repetition of his crime. The hour 
he will reason, may be lost, but not the day. The 
quarrel may be for a little while adjusted, he will 
say to his fellows, but we have always at hand the 
means of its renewal at pleasure. He will fervently 
thank his stars for an enemy who, when victorious 
over him, left all his resources unimpaired, and pre- 
tending to make a peace, was content with an armis- 
tice. " Southern Independence Associations' 3 will 
flourish under the sacred noses of the Federal Courts, 
and men who have forfeited fifty lives will stalk and 
strut, bully and brag, as of old, in Washington. It is 
not a pleasant picture to contemplate, but we had bet- 
ter know the chances now, than blunder into a Cen- 
tury of Anarchy. 

June 24, 18G2. 



MB. WOMB 'S " NIGGERS. » 269 



THE TRIAL OF TOOMBS. 

It is related of the illustrious author of " Faust " that, 
during one of his youthful depressions — it was, we 
think, of the amorous variety — he determined upon 
suicide, and provided himself with the necessary dag- 
ger ; but upon finding that the operation would be 
painful, he abandoned the bare bodkin business, and 
consented to live. Gen. Robert Toombs, of the Se- 
cession service, ought, by all the laws which regulate 
rebellion, to give up cotton-growing; but he finds 
the temptation to keep on with the cultivation too 
strong for him, and leaves his blacks at work in 
Georgia while he militates in Virginia. Randolph 
County, Ga., instantly lapses into a patriotic perspir- 
ation. The Randolph County Committee of Public 
Safety immediately communicate savagely with 
Toombs in Richmond. They tell him that he is a 
very wicked Confederate General. That he has no 
right to cultivate cotton. That his avarice is greater 
than his patriotism. That his negroes are wanted 
for military purposes. What follows ? Ferocious re- 
ply from Toombs. Calls the Committee of Public 
Safety "cowardly miscreants." Also "robbers." 
Declines to furnish " niters " for the Rebel service. 
Says he may be "robbed," but he cannot be " intim- 
idated." Isn't it evident that Toombs's "patriot- 
ism " does n't, so to speak, come up to the scratch ? — 
that, happen what may, he v/ill be the last man to 
commit suicide ? 

How the Committee of Public Safety aforesaid re- 



270 THE WRATH OF TOOMBS. 

ceived this most disparaging telegram, we are not 
informed. How they relished the new title of " cow- 
ardly miscreants/ 5 we may easily surmise. It was n't 
a relish at all, but a disrelish altogether. " You poor, 
miserable, rascally, bluffing, domineering, dirty scoun- 
drels," says Toombs; "you vile, plundering, inter- 
loping vagabonds, you ' cannot intimidate me.' " 
And this to men to whom, at that identical moment, 
the " public safety " of Randolph County was com- 
mitted. It is curious. Toombs speaks to these men 
as if he knew them, and knew them to be, from their 
heads to their heels, poor specimens of white human- 
ity. We can imagine him talking in precisely the 
same way to his own private collection of blacks. 
That he would, if he could, truss up the august Com- 
mittee, and s;ive to each member of it a round dozen 
of stripes, with the accompanying pickle, we do also 
believe. That, after his soldiering is over, should he 
get back to Georgia — which is n't probable — he will 
shoot one or two Committee-men, is very probable. 
His appetite is for the pleasures of Secession — he has 
none for the pains — just as a man may never weary 
of talking of the weariness of life, but may shrink 
from the alleviating rope or ratsbane. And we have 
called attention to the precautions and cotton-limited 
patriotism of this Toombs, because we believe that 
Secession bras: is altogether too successful in its de- 
mands upon Northern credulity. "When a Southern 
orator says, with all the coarse finery of unbridled 
rhetoric, that he is ready to brave all — ruin, wounds 
and death — for the sake of the cause, those who are 



CA UTER Y NEEDED. 271 

not blinded by his lightning language, nor intimi- 
dated by his leonine roar, may shake their heads and 
laugh ; but the sagacious will still ash whether, when 
a man goes into a revolt, avowedly for the sake of 
negroes, he will continue in revolt wdien continuance 
will take all his negroes away froni him. To put 
the matter in another shape, it is urged, even by 
members of Congress, that meddling with " the insti- 
tution," by confiscation or otherwise, will so infuriate 
the Secessionist that he will keep on forever in his 
delusion, doing the most dreadful things, long after 
the motive for doingr them has ceased to operate : 
i. <?., he will fight for Siaveholding though Slave- 
holding has become to him as impossible as flying. 
We do not believe it. It is grossly unphilosophical 
so to reason ; and those who do reason so, whether at 
" Conservative 5? meetings or in the columns of news- 
papers, show more panic than pluck. Confiscation 
may appear to some to be as savage a remedy as cau- 
tery ; but sometimes it is only cautery that will do 
the business. Selfishness, of which Mr. Toombs gives 
us such a charming specimen, is the main cause of 
man-owning, and that is the main cause of all our 
political mischiefs. 

When we hear a planter talk about ethnology and 
the inferiority of races, and so ascending and descend- 
ing the whole gamut of solemn twaddle, we always 
laugh, at least inwardly ; because we know that he 
approves of Slavery, out of no sort of respect for Mo- 

a. J. »/ y jl 

ses or St. Paul, but because it gives him a coat to 
wear, toddies to drink, tobacco to smoke, a bed to lie 



272 IS TOOMBS AN ASS f 

upon, and a roof to cover him. When he is cornered, 
out comes the truth. " Stop raising cotton !" cries 
Toombs : " lend you my niggers ! I will see you 
hanged first !" What a dear, delightful, outspoken, 
frank and candid Toombs ! What a charming Pro- 
Slavery Doctor of Divinity he would make, to be 
sure ! He is n't a man to give up all he is fighting 
for, merely for the sake of winning the battle. " My 
niggers ! no, I tell you ! Am I fighting, and bleeding, 
and dying, merely that a Committee of Public Safety 
may carry off my niggers ? As well give 'em to Abe 
Lincoln at once ! Let them alone !" Well, dear 
Toombs, we cannot say that we blame you for your 
perfectly natural views of matters and things in gen- 
eral. Let us embrace ! — we are speaking now as if 
we were a member of the Conservative Congressional 
Caucus — let us embrace, dear Toombs ! 

" Come to my arms, my own true-hearted." 

Not a negro of the Toombs brand shall be touched ! 
Male and female, house-hands, field-hands, mechanics, 
old, middle-aged, young, yellow or black, they are all 
under the palladium of the Constitution — God bless 
it ! — and they shall all be taken care of — only, good 
old fellow ! you '11 come back into the Union ; that 's 
a dear, amiable, charming Toombs ! That is, Toombs 
is supposed to be such an unmitigated ass that he can 
be coaxed into the Union again merely by promising 
him something, which he, vi et armis^ declares that 
the Union is too weak to secure to him. On the 
other hand, Toombs, having lost all his dear blacks, 



THIRTY-FIVE SAGES. 273 

haying discovered that Disunion is just as powerless 
to keep them, and that Rebellion has depopulated 
his plantation, will have had sundry arguments in 
favor of keeping quiet actually knocked into his head, 
and will certainly see the necessity of making the 
best of a bad matter; or if he does not, Toombs 
Junior, who hopes to live a little longer in this pleas- 
ant world, assuredly will. To take any other course 
with Toombs is to put a premium upon treason, and 
he knows it, and chuckles over our debates. If you 
would crush rebellion, hit at its master passion an 
earnest and annihilating blow. But if you mean 
only to play with it for the benefit of commissioned 
officers and contractors — why that is quite another 
matter, and one which we do not care to discuss. 

July 4, 1862. 



THE COUNCIL OF THIRTY-FIVE. 

Osr Saturday last, in Washington, thirty-five Con- 
servative gentlemen solemnly resolved that "the 
Abolitionists will leave to the country but little hope 
of the restoration of the Union or peace, if schemes 
of Confiscation, Emancipation, and other unconstitu- 
tional measures, shall be enacted under the form of 
laws." The thirty-five gentlemen voted to print this 
rather than else thrilling opinion, for the benefit of 
mankind in general, and then the Thirty-five gentle- 
men " broke camp " and went back to their boarding- 
houses. There has n't been anything politically 

12* 



274 LIMPING LOGIG. 

more portentous since the Three Tailors of Tooley 
street issued their Proclamation, beginning, "We, 
the People of England." Considering the great im- 
portance of this demonstration, it is to be regretted 
that Conservators did not, by some address more en- 
larged than a resolution, let us know by what process 
of reasoning they arrived at the conclusion that the 
Abolition of Slavery would forever bar the restora- 
tion of the Union. 

If we were inclined to be hypercritical, we might 
ask why these Representatives allow themselves to 
talk of the " restoration of the Union " at all ? Do 
they consider that by any constitutional theory the 
Union is abolished ? that South Carolina could abol- 
ish it ? that Jefferson Davis, by any villainy, could 
destroy it in any sense ? Because, before a thing can 
be restored^ if we know anything of language or of 
logic, it must first be lost. The truth is, that the 
Thirty-five, in their eagerness to construct a pretty 
series of resolutions, have done that which has been 
esteemed impossible — they have fairly bitten off their 
own noses. Eight into the jaws of a solecism, as we 
shall prove, tumbled the Thirty -five. If the Union 
can be restored, then it is already destroyed / and if 
it be destroyed, then the right, by the simplest public 
law, of the Washington Government, at war with the 
Government late at Richmond, to confiscate and to 
offer freedom to the Slaves, is just as clear as the 
right to shoot soldiers in the field, or to bombard 
cities. Nobody ever questioned the right of a bellig- 
erent in all possible ways to harrass a public enemy. 



A WAR MEASURE. 275 

The emancipation of Slaves is a well-recognised oper- 
ation of war. The Thirty-five, by their most inju- 
dicious use of a dangerous word, have put the Rebels 
quite outside the pale of even " conservative " benev- 
olence. Whatever they may be some time h-en.ce, 
when restored to sanity by the grace of gunpowder, 
they are not now our " dear brethren/ 5 our " mis- 
guided fellow-citizens,' 5 our this, that, and the other, 
but simply, by the theory of the Thirty-five, our Mor- 
tal Enemies, whom it may be possible to conquer, 
but quite impossible to injure. When the Union, is 
" restored," it will then be time enough for this Three- 
Dozen-less-One to talk of the unconstitutionality of 
Emancipation. A Public Enemy has no rights under 
the Constitution at all. 

But we have n't done with the one-leaded logic of 
the Thirty-five Conservatives quite yet. They fall 
into the not uncommon error of glibly grouping 
" Abolitionists " and " Secessionists," as if these were 
one in purpose and in policy. Substantially, this 
always means an indirect compliment to traitors, 
which no man of self-respect and of genuine loyalty 
would be guilty of. It is of a piece with that slaver- 
ing and anile gabble which says in circular rigma- 
role, u Well, the South is to blame, the North is to 
blame, the Slaveholders are to blame, the Anti- 
Slavery men are to blame — let us fix matters, and go 
on as we did before." Now, as it is a moral paradox to 
assert that he who rebukes a sin is responsible for the 
consequent and deeper flounderings of the sinner, so 
it is a political paradox to declare that the opponent 



276 NON-EXTENSION— NON-EXISTENCE. 

of a bad policy is to be holden for the bad effects of 
that policy.. Because Slaveholders have chosen to 
commit that very outrage upon the Constitution 
which clear-headed men have long foreseen and fore- 
told, does it follow that the rebukers are as bad as 
the rebuked ? Besides, it is not, as we have over and 
over again pointed out, it is not the existence, but the 
extension of Slavery, for which the Traitor States are 
contending ; so that fear of the abolition of Slavery 
had really nothing to do with the war. Is it to be 
supposed that Jefferson Davis is in the field because 
he believed his negroes would be taken from him by 
the Lincoln Administration? He must be greener 
than green, and his mind cruder than crude, who 
thinks so. Even the miserable heads of' muddled Se- 
cessionists did not mix up matters in that way. What 
Davis and other gentlemen in the man-owning busi- 
ness were afraid of was, that non-extension mio-ht 
prove equivalent to non-existence — a matter with 
which the North had nothing to do. Most nuisances 
disappear when they are cribbed and confined ; and 
it was not certainly our fault if the " Institution 3? did 
require room and verge, which we would not grant 
if we could, and could hardly grant if we would. 
The North was resting in comparative quiet upon its 
vested rights and upon well-settled compromises, 
when the fierce and insatiable thirst of Slavery for 
new territory disarranged all adjustments, unsettled 
the National policy, and compelled us, in self-defense, 
to exercise our legitimate and unquestionable rights 
under the Constitution. It was Slavery that made 



SUBHEADER, AND BE HAPPY! 277 

up the issue of the last Presidential election ; and, at 
present, when we are contending for Law and Order, 
and a Permanent Peace, the Secessionists are bat- 
tling — for what ? for what, but for Slavery ? Now, if 
in hitting them we hit the pet and idol of their hot 
and half-crazy souls, why should these Thirty-five 
Congressional Conservators put us in the same dock 
with admitted criminals, with men who have violated 
so many statutes, while our only sin is that we are 
faithful to what we consider the fixed and funda- 
mental law? If there had been no Slavery there 
would have been no Rebellion. That is, upon all 
hands, admitted. Then, without Slavery there can 
be no Rebellion. Ah ! that is a sequitur clear enough 
to most men, but altogether too tough a nut for the 
the Thirtv-five Wise Men of Washington to crack ! 
We are profoundly sorry for their intellectual weak- 
ness ; but instead of asking us to stultify ourselves, 
they should, for their own part, try to think with a 
little more accuracy. 

We hope that we are as willing to pardon injuries 
as our neighbors are ; but at the risk of being re- 
garded as revengeful, we must admit our inability to 
keep pace with that eminent Professor of Forgiveness 
and Forgetfulness, Mr. Richardson of Illinois, who 
said in the Conserved Caucus, that peace can only be 
restored by saying to the masses at the South, " You 
have done wrong ! Lay down your arms and you 
shall not be touched.' 5 But should Congress decide 
upon this emollient course, let Richardson be the 
United States Embassador to the camps of the Rebels ! 



278 THE FATE OF RICHARDSON. 

Let Mm enter their lines., blowing the most assuasive 
tunes upon the mildest of trumpets ! Let him, while 
gentle smiles illumine his countenance, say tenderly 
to the Confederate armies, " You have done wrong ! 
Lay down your arms, and you shall not be touched ! 5? 
We can imagine his reception. Even while he blandly 
speaks, bowie-knives flash, revolvers are aimed at his 
sacred person, and an extemporized halter dangles 
aloft. Jefferson Davis and staff march from head- 
quarters to behold his execution, and Richardson of 
Illinois is soon no more a member of Congress, and 
the caucus is reduced to Thirty-four. If he pleases 
to make this excursion upon his own responsibility, 
let him depart as soon as convenient. Our opinion 
is, that he will not be back again in his seat, at any 
rate during the present session. 

It must, we think, be taken for granted, by this 
time, that the Secession leaders are in earnest. They 
ask for no favors ; they propose no treaties ; they an- 
nounce their intention of fighting out this quarrel. 
Are we never to take them at their word ? Are we 
never to use the weapons which God and nature have 
put into our hands ? It is not customary to approach 
a mad dog, holding an olive-branch in one hand and 
a leg of fat mutton in the other. The prejudice of 
the world is rather in favor of more active measures, 
whatever may be the opinion of the dog. And this 
is all we have to say at present of the Council of 
Thirty-five. 

July 5, 1802. 



JEFFERSON THE FIRST. 279 

i 

DAVIS A DESPOT. 

The Southern Confederacy has met with a dread- 
fully damaging blow in the hey-day of its existence. 
It lapsed into a bloody treason to save itself from 
intolerable tyranny ; and the poor fish, if we may 
credit The Charleston Mercury, has only tumbled from 
a comparatively comfortable frying-pan into a most 
uncomfortable fire. It is the old story of JEsop over 
again ; for some of the most notable frogs in the 
puddle are beginning to croak that King Jefferson I. 
is no better than a Domitian or a JSTero. Our au- 
thority is the aforesaid Mercury, which ought cer- 
tainly to be considered a good witness in the case. 
Its first grievance is that the Confederate Congress, 
in clear violation of the Confederate Constitution, has 
furnished King Jefferson Davis with a palace ready 
furnished, at an expense of Seven Thousand Dollars 
— a most shameful imitation of the rascally doings at 
"Washington under the old detestable rule. It further 
complains, that all the doings of the Congress which 
should restore the Revolters to supreme political free- 
dom, are kept profound secrets from the Southern 
people — debates, decisions, and all ! It is only known 
that the Emperor — we beg pardon — the President 
Davis " vetoed more bills of the Provisional Congress 
than all the Presidents of the United States from 
George Washington to Andrew Jackson included." 
He is, therefore, very properly styled " a Despot.' 3 
So the Southern Confederacy, in its enthusiastic pur- 
suit of liberty, has secured, bv the confession of The 



280 WAS IT WORTH WHILE? 

Mercury, a Congress which merely registers the 
Edicts of a Tyrant ! Pray, was this worth the crime 
of which the Rebels have been guilty, and the suffer- 
ings to which they have been subjected? Poor little 
fishes ! why don't you come back to the old frying- 
pan ? 

Then there is another trouble, which is, that as 
soon as the Confederacy has provided even the sem- 
blance of a Navy, it is straightway blown up and 
annihilated, and all through the inexcusable negli- 
gence of a blockhead — Secretary Mallory — who may 
reasonably be supposed to act under the orders of 
Davis the Despot. 

Upon this point The Hichniond Examiner dwells 
with a deep pathos, From other quarters come most 
portentous growls; so that, although the Southern 
people are not now just in a position to depose King 
Davis, and to tar and feather his Cabinet, they would 
unquestionably do both, if it were not for the army. 
"We do not mean to say that they would come peni- 
tently back at once to the Union which they have so 
insanely deserted. They would probably upset Davis 
only to set up King Somebody Else the First, but 
the inevitable anarchy would make their reduction 
to sanity comparatively easy. We may see some- 
thing of this kind before the war is over. Davis 
is n't safe from the tar-pot yet, poor man ! He should 
have thought, before he raised this busy devil of 
revolt, what means and appliances would be at 
his disposal should it be necessary to lay it. It is a 
ticklish experiment, as all history proves, to over- 



POOR WHITES IN THE FIELD. 281 

throw an existing Government " for light and tran- 
sient causes." Unless the injuries of a people are 
substantial — unless they exist otherwise than in the 
ambitious views of political schemers — it is the most 
dangerous thing in the world to stimulate popular 
passions, and to seduce communities from their alle- 
giance to the laws and to fixed Constitutions. The 
engineers usually get the first hoist from their own 
petards. What became of the men who excited the 
first French Revolution? Does Davis ever think of 
their fate with prudent apprehension? And how 
long can he be sure of his army ? Its number is 
stated in Rebel newspapers at 300,000 men ; but how r 
many of these are Slaveholders ? How many of these 
have a stake in the contest ? How many, not being 
Slaveholders, have a direct interest in stopping the 
war ? Everybody know T s that, in raising the Rebel 
forces, there has been a continual resort to terrorism 
and coercion ; and how long can these go on without 
a counter-revolution ? Look at the case calmly and 
philosophically. Suppose that a Southern soldier 
owns no negroes, and does not hope to own any; 
what has he to gain from the independence of the 
Confederacy — what of office, of emolument, of per- 
sonal consideration ? Nothing whatever ! If the new 
Government were firmly established to-morrow, it 
would leave him the same Poor White Man that he 
w r as before. He would be cut off, as before, from the 
rewards of industry, and even from the opportunity 
of respectable labor. We understand, in a measure, 
why the Man-Owners are fighting — it is for caste, 



282 HATRED OF RESTRAINT. 

■ 

aristocracy, political power — but why are the Poor 
Whites fighting ? It puzzles our comprehension, and 
it will soon begin to puzzle theirs. When it does, 
then let Jefferson Davis look out for himself. If his 
army be small, as The Hichmond Examiner com- 
plains, Mr. Davis may heartily wish it much smaller. 
Poor whites, trained to the use of arms, may prove a 
most uncomfortable population. 

But just at present it is n't from these that this 
usurper has the most to fear. He is the President of 
an Oligarchy unaccustomed to personal restraint. 
Pie has been raised to a bad prominence in these 
affairs by men who are themselves the petty tyrants 
of the plantations ; who, in all their intercourse with 
those about them, have substantially possessed a 
power over life and limb as great as that of the Prus- 
sian nobility over their serfs in the days of Peter the 
Great. Now, the plantation is not by any means a 
good school in which to acquire a habit of personal 
obedience, at least on the part of the master. What 
does a Slaveowner, upon an isolated plantation in 
Arkansas, care for the authority of a parcel of talk- 
ing fellows in Richmond ? He may fight for Jeffer- 
son Davis, if he pleases, but then it is no violent pre- 
sumption that he may please to fight against Jeffer- 
son, and in favor of another man. South Carolina, 
according to her own favorite political theories, is a 
member of the Southern Confederacy only during the 
time of her sovereign will and pleasure. She comes 
in under protest, and when she sees fit she has, upon 
her own absurd principles, as good a right to bolt 



THE CONFEDERACY DOOMED. 283 

from the government of Davis as from that of Lin- 
coln. Why should n't she ? Here is one of her 
principal newspapers denouncing Davis as a Despot ! 
By what worse name did this Mercury ever speak of 
President Lincoln ? If this Mercury be right, it is 
already time for South Carolina to bolt again ! Will 
she do it ? How do we know ? How can any man 
foretell what she will do A And should she declare 
once more her independence, by what authority will 
Jefferson Davis proceed to coerce her to her duty ? 
He has made waste paper of all precedents. He has 
abolished all law in his dominions. He holds office 
not by the will of a majority of the States which he 
professes to govern, but by the will of South Carolina 
alone. If she sustains him now, it is only because he 
permits her to reserve the right to deal at him the 
deadliest of blows at any moment when it may gratify 
her whim or suit her convenience. He may be sure 
that she has well learned the lesson which he has 
assisted to teach her. 

Thus it is that men involve themselves in palpable 
absurdities, when for light and transient causes they 
attempt the overthrow of long-established govern- 
ments. Thus it is that men incur a thousand perils, 
when they permit their passions to hurry them into 
treason. We do not, in all history, remember a rev- 
olution undertaken for the gratification of personal 
ambition which has been permanently successful; 
and we do not believe that the Slaveholders' Rebel- 
lion is destined to furnish an exception to the rule. 
We see something like safety for its projectors in 



284 ABE SLA VES SACRED f 

their defeat ; but in their success we see nothing for 
themselves, and the States which they have misled, 
but ultimate ruin, and the final extinguishment of 
every vestige of the ancient liberty of their white 
population. 

August 27, 1862. 



ALL MEANS TO CRUSH ! 



If one of our Northern newspapers — rebel at heart 
and half rebel in speech — should propose, here in 
New York, a loan to the Confederacy of the Traitors, 
is it not fair to suppose that the office of that journal 
would receive an early visit from the law-officers of 
the United States ? And yet, morally considered, this 
offence is one of daily occurrence. When The Her- 
ald or other sheet of like sable tint vehemently urges 
that property in Negroes is something that should be 
sacredly safe from confiscation and from military 
meddling, we say that such protest is equivalent to a 
proposition to lend a certain amount of money to 
Davis's Secretary of the Treasury, We beg leave to 
quote, upon this point, the excellent authority of a 
Venetian Jew : 

" You take my house when you do take the prop 
That doth sustain my house ; you take my life, 
When you do take the means whereby I live." 

Immediately after the delivery of this indisputably 
correct observation, Shylock, we are told, left the 



THE CONFEDERATE DEBT. 285 

Court-House upon the plea that he felt very unwell — 
and no doubt he told the truth. There is a method 
which God, in the interests of His Eternal Justice, 
has put into our hands of making the Rebels a great 
deal sicker than Shylock was ; and we hum and haw 
and split a whole head of hairs, and leave the Rebel 
to the use of " the means whereby he lives." Wise — 
is it not ? 

Look at the money which the Confederacy now 
owes, and which it has given paper promises to pay ! 
There are $45,000,000 due to its soldiers; $50,000,000 
to banks ; $65,000,000 for property seized ; $45,000,- 
000 for State aid to be reimbursed ; $100,000,000 of 
Treasury notes ; and War Loans to the amount of 
$65,000,000. What is the property which this in- 
debtedness represents? We answer emphatically — 
Black Men ! And what would these certificates of in- 
debtedness be worth if the Black Men ceased to be 
property ? We answer with the same emphasis — 
Nothing ! If the Government of the United States 
could, by some stroke of policy, make this rag-cash 
so utterly rotten that the hungriest Rebel would not 
touch it even with gloves on, would n't it be worth 
while to do it ? Well, you can do it ! This paper rep- 
resents a debt. The debt must be paid by taxation. 
The property to be taxed is mostly in negroes. Of 
course, the most befuddled Secessionist must see the 
truth of the formula — No "Niggers," no Taxes; 
No Taxes, no Pay ! 

The Confederate notes will be excellent for shaving 
paper ; but where is the bearded bankrupt to find 



286 NICE DISTINCTIONS. 

soap ? The United States Government has it in its 
power to utterly beggar the paper-shop at Richmond 
in a week. That swindling concern has no capital 
but slaves, because without slaves the .Rebel planter, 
if we may credit his own testimony, will find his 
land worth nothing, and his four-legged stock very 
little except to eat. Take away his slaves and he 
cannot pay his taxes, and if he cannot pay his taxes, 
the Confederacy will burst like a soap-bubble ! But 
when you prepare to subject him to this highly saluta- 
ry discipline, ye gods ! what howling ! Take cows, 
bulls, sheep, oxen, lands, barns, crops — take anything 
but Blacks ! There has been a great deal of foolish 
talk in this world from the time of its creation, but we 
do not believe that the world ever listened to such 
consummate folly before. It 's like giving up to a 
highwayman his horse and his weapons, and taking 
from him, by way of forfeiture, his under-waistcoat ! 
You meet a Rebel in the field, and you shoot him, 
or he shoots you. That 's all fair, and we understand 
it. But suppose, having his life in your power, he 
proposed to you to buy his life at the cost of his ne- 
groes. " Oh I" you must answer, " the public interest 
demands that I have nothing to do with your blacks ! 
Keep them in the name of the Constitution ! ?? — and 
so you pop at him, and down he goes, leaving the 
blacks to his executors ! What a charmingly sensible 
piece of Unionism ! Or suppose a Rebel prisoner in 
Fort Lafayette, dreaming of a halter, and waking up 
to write to the President : " Dear Sir, Take my life, 
but pray do not take my ' niggers.' " How extreme- 



THE RULE OF WAR. 287 

ly probable! What the Rebels want, doubtless, is 
their lives and their negroes both — together with their 
cash and their plantations and their pretty little Con- 
federacy — but if they are not entitled to all, they 
are not entitled to either. 

The rule of all war is not only to hit hard, but to hit 
where you can hit hardest. Now, when the Confed- 
erates at the South, and their allies and accomplices 
at the North, set up such an agonizing yell, if the 
emancipation of slaves is but mentioned, we see at 
once upon what particular part of the back of this 
Confederate steed the raw is established, and we call 
for a vigorous application of the lash in precisely that 
direction. We do not approve of sparing the beast, 
merely because basting him will please the Aboli- 
tionists. We are not afraid of pleasing them too well 
— they are not so easily satisfied. 

More than anything else, we want a restoration 
of our territory of which we have been plundered, 
and of our peace which has been wickedly disturbed ! 
Give us back our great, prosperous and happy Amer- 
ican Union ! Give back to these wives and mothers 
the dear ones who are now risking their lives in this 
struggle ! Give back to the honest mechanic the la- 
bor of which this Crime of Crimes has defrauded 
him ! Give back to us the respect which we once in- 
spired abroad ! Restore the supremacy of the Laws ! 
If our National integrity and individual prosperity 
cannot be recovered without Emancipation — then 
Emancipate ! This is a War for the Enforcement of 
the Laws — Enforce them all ! 

August, 28, 18G2. 



288 CHAOS AFTER CONFEDERACY. 

NORTHERN INDEPENDENCE. 

We must conquer this Rebellion or it will conquer 
us. This is a fact of which we are reminded — and 
there is need that we should be — by the boasts of 
fugitive Secessionists in Canada, who, it is report- 
ed, "openly declare that the Union shall not be 
broken, but that if the North is beaten, it shall be 
subiected to the rule of Jefferson Davis, who will be 
next President of the United States.' 5 "There is 
nothing sacred," said Napoleon, " after a conquest." 
The theory of this war is plain enough. The North- 
ern people well understand that they are contending 
for the Constitution and the Laws ; but it may be 
questioned if more than a small minority of thinkers 
have permitted themselves to look — for they cannot 
do so without shuddering— into that seething hell of 
anarchy and confusion and ceaseless apprehension 
which would be our fate in the event of a Confeder- 
ate triumph. Large as this continent is, it may 
be safely assumed that it is not large enough for two 
distinct nationalities, with natural limits ill defined, 
with military ambition upon one side of the line, and 
with a tantalizing opulence upon the other, and with 
reminiscences of success taunting continually a stern, 
sad memory of defeat; while a common language, 
instead of promoting peaceful alliances, would become 
merely a more convenient medium of debate and de- 
fiance. If we never knew it before, we know now, 
that Slavery is aggressive. It is unnecessary to say 
that it is more so than any other marked and dis- 



SLA VERY ON TEE DEFENSIVE. 289 

tinctive form of social life would be. It is only 
necessary to understand that, being of an absolutely 
peculiar character, and at war with, the general 
moral conclusions of the age, Slavery, as it now exists 
in the American States, is in that position of desper- 
ate and dogged defiance, in which it will dare all 
things in self-defence. For reasons which we need 
not recapitulate, a component part of that defence 
must be its extension. It can no more exist within 
confined limits than a rat can live under an exhaust- 
ed receiver. It is clear, therefore, that in the event 
of a military triumph of the system, the spirit of 
territorial aggrandizement, which has heretofore 
sought for new man-markets upon the frontier of the 
Southwest, would begin to exert itself in a Northern 
direction. Of the inability of the Slave Power to 
conquer such States as Illinois, Ohio, or Indiana, we 
might be tolerably certain, so long as a Northern 
Union should remain ; but the grave and alarming 
question is, how long, after the establishment of a 
Southern Confederacy, the Northern Union would 
continue to exist. Itself a fragment, into how many 
smaller fragments might it not, even within a quarter 
of a century, be precipitated ? Disunion is of bad ex- 
ample, and might prove contagious ; while the Slave 
States, united in a bad brotherhood, and by the ties 
of a common iniquity, might not find it difficult to 
cope with and to subjugate individual States, them- 
selves exposed to the assaults of each other, and weak- 
ened by intestine disorder. 

That it is no part of Slaveholding chivalry to spare 
13 



290 THE IEBEPEESSIBLE CONFLICT. 

a State, either because it is weak or inoffensive, let 
the fate of Mexico attest ! But inoffensive the North- 
ern States, even with the best intentions, could not 
possibly be. The recognition of the Confederacy, 
however absolute and complete, would not for a 
clay silence the Anti-Slavery discussions of the North. 
It is certain that they will never cease until Slavery 
is abolished. No laws, however rigid, no considera- 
tions of international comity, would be sufficient to 
restrain the voices of men who as much believe that 
Slavery is horrible in God's sight as they believe 
that there is a God at all. This of itself would be 
sufficient to keep up a perpetual irritation at the 
South, and to afford a continual pretext for an ag- 
gressive war. But the question of Fugitive Slaves, 
and of their rendition, would be a crowning difficulty, 
and one which, it seems to us, would be absolutely 
incapable of a peaceful solution. If we know any- 
thing of the temper of the Northern people, we can 
hardly believe that they will be ready to do that of 
their free-will which they have been so unwilling to 
do upon compulsion. Treaties might be made, but 
treaties would be perpetually broken. Laws, founded 
upon such compacts, might be passed, but who would 
obey and who would enforce them ? Meanwhile, the 
Government of the North would be constantly in- 
volved in difficulties with its own recalcitrant citi- 
zens; and, the question of Slavery still coloring our 
politics, the people would be pretty sure to keep out 
of office " Northern men with Southern principles.'' 
"War must inevitably follow. Peace, by infinite nurs- 



THE ISSUE MADE UP. 291 

ing and coddling, would be only the exception ; and 
War — beggaring, blasting, and weary War — would 
be the rule. Into the probable history of this people, 
so agitated and assaulted, it would not be pleasant 
too closely to inquire. If the Slave States, stimu- 
lated only by imaginary injuries, have shown them- 
selves ready to shoot from a condition of ill-temper 
into that of sanguinary hostilities, what will be the 
popular feeling of the North when it is found that all 
these lives have been given in vain, and that all our 
treasure has been expended only with the prodigality 
of the fool ? 

If the question, then, of the Union was an open 
one before, it is so no longer. We cannot afford to 
concede — we cannot afford to be conquered. There 
is a deadly duel between Freedom and Slavery, and 
one or the other must fall. The issue is but a matter 
of time. Freedom in the end must conquer. But 
over what dreary years of suffering and struggle, of 
paralyzed industry and social commotion, of private 
agony and of public bankruptcy, must that struggle, 
if we now temporize, extend ! If there be in this 
great metropolis any man who, in his devotion to the 
pursuit of gold, thinks that we should give up all, 
and retire from this contest, we bid him look well to 
his money bags, when the arrogant and hot-headed 
Confederacy shall have triumphed and commenced 
its political career. If there be here any man who 
w T earies of the noise and confusion of this conflict, we 
bid him beware of lending his influence to the adop- 
tion of any measure which may merely postpone the 



292 INTEGBITY THE SAFETY OF THE REP UBLIG. 

final adjustment of this quarrel, and leave lis, mean- 
while, certainly for more than one generation, the 
sport of political chances. If there be any philan- 
thropist who shrinks, as well he may, from the butch- 
ery of battle, we warn him that the longest war, how- 
ever bloody, is better for humanity than the smooth- 
est of hollow truces. Do not let us be deceived ! 
There is no safety for this republic but in its integ- 
rity; there is no peace for it but in its indivisi- 
bility ; there is no economy in ending one war only 
that we may begin another ; there is no happiness 
for us, there is none for our children, save in the com- 
plete victory of our Government. Five years of war 
would be better — yes, fifty years of war would be 
better than a century of imaginary peace and con- 
tinual collisions. The time to acknowledge the Con- 
federacy, if at all, was when Anderson pulled down 
the flag of Fort Sumter. That time has gone by 
forever ! 

September 12, 1862. 



THE CONSTITUTION— NOT CONQUEST. 

It is extremely unfortunate that an old gentleman 
like Lord Brougham, who, in the course of nature, 
cannot talk much longer in this world, should show 
such an inclination to talk about things which he 
does not understand. There may have been a time, 
before his present period of senility, when he may 



LORD BROUGHAM'S OPINIONS. 293 

have comprehended the real political character of the 
American Union ; hut if so, that time has certainly 
gone by ; and his Lordship babbled the other day at 
Scarborough in a way which would have been thought 
ridiculous in the most callous of Tories. He came, 
indeed, at last to the sensible conclusion that Eng- 
land and France have no right to interfere in Ameri- 
can affairs ; but in arriving at this point, he uttered 
the following extraordinary language : " We find one 
part of the States fighting for separation and inde- 
pendence, and the other part struggling for conquest." 
The first clause of this proposition is undoubtedly 
true. The rebels, unquestionably, are fighting for 
" independence," but it by no means follows, that 
they are entitled to it. We shall show, before we 
conclude, that they are not ; but here we would 
merely suggest, that if Ireland should at present break 
into open revolt, why then Ireland would be fighting 
for " independence." Would the charming features 
of Lord Brougham beam benevolently upon such an 
enterprise ? Would he be found in his place in Parlia- 
ment making soft speeches in behalf of a Provisional 
Government established in Dublin, and voting against 
all bills for putting down an Irish insurrection ? And 
yet Ireland is no more an integral part of the British 
Empire than South Carolina is an integral part of 
the American Union. Nay, if we look at the mat- 
ter, and institute a somewhat closer comparison, we 
find that the connection of Ireland with the English 
throne, originating in one of those " conquests" which 
Lord Brougham so much deprecates, and since sus- 



294 THE CASE OF IRELAND. 

tained by cruelties which no honest writer can ex- 
tenuate, does afford a ground for rebellion ; while 
the " Confederate States' 5 in their present revolt are 
without the shadow of an excuse. It is not enough 
to say that jealousies existed. It is not enough to 
say that fierce discussions had arisen between the 
ITorth and the South. There can be no apology for 
this insurrection, except in actual, unmistakable and 
tangible wrongs endured ; and even these would be 
insufficient morally and politically, unless it could 
also be shown that the sufferers had exhausted all 
possible means of redress, either by legislative or ju- 
dicial processes. We wish that Englishmen when 
they undertake to criticise American affairs, would, 
if only now and then, abandon their safe and con- 
venient generalizations, and dwell a little upon the 
facts. We have repeatedly called attention to the 
pregnant circumstance that the rebels have, to this 
hour, never presented to the world the smallest mani- 
fest of their injuries. In the chancery of civilized 
nations, they have never filed the most meagre bill 
of particulars. There has been good cause for this ; 
the world would have listened but coldly to the re- 
cord of splenetic dissatisfaction, of eccentric preju- 
dices, and of selfish discontent — of ambition ungrati- 
fied, of hatred balked by the majesty of the law, and 
of an unreasoning violence which chafed at the small- 
est restraint. It is because the rebel States have really 
and morally no cause to sustain and no injuries to 
redress that they have been so reticent of rational 
speech, and so voluble in the utterance of old catch- 



' AN IGNORANT PEER. 295 

words, moldy slogans and stale commonplaces. It 
is odd that a man of Lord Brougham's reputation 
should be deceived by them. It is strange that he, 
who is considered to be quite a universal scholar, 
should know a bit of law, a little chemistry, a mor- 
sel of philosophy, something of political economy, 
more or less of metaphysics, and should know abso- 
lutely nothing of the American Constitution — so lit-' 
tie, indeed, as to be unaware of the fact that it is the 
fundamental law of the land, and that in no possible 
sense can a war in its defense be called a war of 
" conquest." Tipstaves who catch rogues are not 
" conquerors." The constable who carries a pick- 
pocket to Bridewell is not a " conqueror." The 
thief who breaks jail certainly asserts his " independ- 
ence," and is in pursuit of his " liberty." But we 
do not believe his aspirations would appear to be re- 
markably sublime, even to Lord Brougham's catho- 
lic mind, if the thief had been in custody for pick- 
ing his Lordship's pocket, or stealing his Lordship's 
plate. 

There seems to be a notion prevalent in English 
society, that the American Union was originally a 
limited co-partnership, from which any member has a 
right for any whimsical reason to withdraw, upon its 
own mere motion, and without the slightest regard 
for the wishes or interests of its associates. But the 
least reference to the history of the formation of the 
Union will utterly explode this feeble hypothesis. 
The question was argued, and it was settled before 
the present Southern belligerent expounders were 



296 THE UNION NOT A CO-PARTNERSHIP. 

begotten. The men who established the Union may 
be reasonably supposed to have understood what they 
were about — to have known what they desired to 
effect, and to have been capable of effecting it. The 
identical question of the right of a State to withdraw 
from the compact, was debated and decided at the 
very time when the compact was adopted. We quote 
only Alexander Hamilton, who said : " A Law, by 
the very meaning of the term, includes supremacy. 
It is a rule which those to whom it is prescribed are 
bound to preserve. This results from every political 
association. If individuals enter into a state of so- 
ciety, the laws of that society must be the supreme 
regulator of their conduct. If a number of political 
societies enter into a larger political society, the laws 
which the latter may enact, pursuant to the powers 
intrusted to it by the Constitution, must necessarily 
be supreme over those societies, and the individuals 
of whom they are composed. It would otherwise he 
a mere treaty r , dependent on the good faith of the par- 
ties, and not a Government / which is only another 
word for political power and supremacy" 

We have nothing of our own to add to this lucid 
exposition of the nature of the Union from the pen 
of one of the most celebrated of its founders. It is 
not a co-partnership. It does not exist by virtue of a 
Treaty, but by virtue of a Law. By what authorit} r , 
then, does Lord Brougham, or any other lord, pre- 
tend that the United States are waging war for 
" conquest ?" To assert this, is to be guilty of a 
gross perversion of the record and of language. The 



THE TRAIN ARRIVES. 297 

Supremacy of the General Government is the Su- 
premacy of Law. An attempt to overthrow that Su- 
premacy is a felony ; and fine words about " Inde- 
pendence" do not change the nature of the crime. 
Let Lord Brougham understand this, or make no 
more speeches upon American affairs. 

September 24, 1862. 



TRAIN'S TROUBLES. 



One of the most painful delusions of the day is that 
of Mr. George Francis Train, who imagines that the 
restoration of the American Union depends upon his 
eloquence. He is n't the first man who has mistaken 
volubility for argument. A mountebank may prattle 
in a fair from morn till dewy eve, but it is only to 
fools that he sells his corn-plasters and cough-drops. 
He may no doubt be overheard by many wise men, 
but that does not make his medicines infallible as he 
would have you believe ; nor does the fact that Mr. 
Train writes for the newspapers prove that he is a 
statesman, for men who are forever writing to the 
newspapers are always in danger of bringing up in a 
mad-house. If Mr. Train could only for a moment 
comprehend how infinitely silly his productions ap- 
pear to sensible men, he would we think be mortified 
into something like reason, and would write no more 
letters like this absurd one now before us, which is 
addressed to Charles Sumner and others, and which 
begins fiercely : — " Conspirators !" 

13* 



298 MB. TRAIN WHITES A LETTER. 

As a general rule we suspect that a man who 
writes confirmed slip-slop, and is never easy unless 
he is gyrating absurdly through all the gymnastics of 
rhetoric is hardly a safe person to call to the rescue 
of an empire. It may be prudently assumed that a 
Senator of the United States is in no need of Mr. 
George Francis Train's instruction, and is quite above 
his reprehension — and for that matter, of his compre- 
hension also. Mr. Train's only retort must be : " Well, 
neither does the Honorable Senator comprehend me !" 
— and for Mr. Train, the reply would be uncommon- 
ly just and sensible. 

Mr. Train charges the gentleman to whom he ad- 
dresses this lurid letter with " a damnable conspiracy 
against three races of men" — against the Irish, " by 
placing an inferior race alongside of them in the corn- 
field," and against the Negroes who will all be mur- 
dered by their masters, according to Mr. G. F. T., 
unless the Abolitionists cease their provocations. But 
one of Mr. Train's vaticinations fortunately knocks 
the other in the head. If the Negroes are all to be 
murdered by their desperate masters, may not the 
fastidious George spare himself all painful apprehen- 
sions of anybody being compelled to work alongside 
the Black in any corn-field or other field in this hem- 
isphere. Massacred Negroes do n't dig, to the best 
of our knowledge, Mr. Train ! 

There is a race of men — it is that to which Mr. 
Train belongs — who make a living, not by hoeing 
and digging, but by gabbling about the infinite su- 
periority of being white — by denouncing those who 



GREAT IS GAB. 299 

cannot see the exquisite equity of Human Servitude 
— by lecturing on Politics, as other men lecture on 
Mesmerism and Table-Tipping — who convert their 
country's agony into a raree-show and go about en- 
tertaining people with the public misfortunes — who 
achieve notoriety by rehashing stale platitudes and 
rejuvenating venerable libels — who were unknown 
yesterday, and are only notorious to-day, and will 
be forgotten to-morrow — and to this race Negro 
Emancipation will prove fatal, for it will ruin their 
business, which is that of frightening honest folk and 
manufacturing bugbears. 

Mr. George Francis Train must not think that we 
mean to be disrespectful. On the contrary, when 
we put him in this race, we are paying him the great- 
est compliment of all he ever received in his life, if 
we except those which he has paid to himself. We 
are ranking him with Doctors of Divinity and Mem- 
bers of Congress and Ethnologists and Politicians of 
the most venerable variety, who, when Emancipation 
has finished them, will hail him as a brother in mis- 
fortune and will go hand in hand with him to oblivion ! 

It may be a satisfaction to the Cabinet to know 
that Mr. Train, in this very letter, announces his gen- 
erous intention of standing by it to the end. He 
professes the most unbounded affection for Mr. Sew- 
ard ; but if that gentleman be as shrewd as he has 
the reputation of being, he will hasten to beseech 
Mr. Train to write him no more letters. It is n't 
every Administration that can stand Mr. Train's ad- 
miration. And so much for George Francis ! 

October, 2, 1S62. 



300 MISSIONARIES IN DEMAND. 



THE SLAVEHOLDER UTOPIA. 

It is related that when the Utopia of Sir Thomas 
More was first published, " the learned Budasus and 
others took it for a genuine history ; and considered 
it as highly expedient that missionaries should be 
sent thither, in order to convert so wise a nation to 
Christianity." Should the political dreamers of the 
South, by any stroke of fortune, be left to their abom- 
inable devices, and thus be enabled to try before the 
world an experiment of promoting the genuine pros- 
perity of the few by reducing the many to the lowest 
pitch of moral and physical squalor, it is possible that 
missionaries might be sent from the North, to South 
Carolina, as thev are now sent to Central Africa : 
and that some new Livingston might win the noblest 
of laurels, at the risk of his life, by carrying Christian 
civilization to Alabama or Mississippi. For it is very 
certain that whatever perfection the South might 
attain in the art of civil government, it must still 
want the very elements of religion. 

Indeed, if we understand at all this little extract 
from The Hichmond Whig^ which is now before us, 
it is the avowed purpose of a portion, at least, of the 
Rebels, to be rid, in the very beginning of the new 
Empire, of all musty notions of the equality of even 
white men before their Creator, which is the essence 
of Christian brotherhood. 

TJie Whig complains that, in the tempest and tor- 
rent of the Rebellion, men are plotting for the estab- 



WHITE IJVEQ UALITY. 301 

lishment of something like a monarchy, and for an 
aristocracy founded upon wealth. The Whig, in an 
exceedingly bilious way, reprehends these schemes 
against Democracy and Human White Equality, be- 
cause it fears, as we fancy, that in the good time 
coming Editors will hardly be made Royal Dukes, 
and Printers hardly Baronets. The titles to this new 
nobility will be found in bills of the sale of Slaves ; 
we may have Count Cuffee, or Sir Benjamin Barra- 
coon, Prince Cotton-Pod, or the Marquis of Fine-Cut ; 
but although these great people may condescend to 
take The Whig, and although a few of them may 
very punctually pay their yearly bills, and be highly 
gratified by reading his effusions, it will be hard for 
the Editor, in the new arrangement, to achieve so 
much as the simple Squirehood. He does well to 
protest in advance against a scheme which will just 
as much fix him in a lower social status as it will fix 
the Black. His vision is alreadv, to a certain extent, 
purged ; and he will see clearly by and by, that the 
aristocrat cares nothing for color, and would just as 
soon, if the law permitted, enslave a white as a black 
man. 

We have not the satisfaction of knowing with just 
how colorless a cuticle Providence has endowed this 
ready writer ; but if he be whiter than many a poor 
fellow who, maugre his aristocratic grandfathers, has 
been sold for a price, then our Editor must have what 
we venture to call a corpse-colored countenance. No; 
it is not the tint of the epidermis that my Lord of the 
Lash will care for when he has brought the Middle 



302 MIGHT BIGHT. 

Ages back to Yirginia ; for tlien he will throw over- 
board the Book of Genesis, and all the other Books, 
and if he can catch and sell the Editor of The Whig, 
he will catch and sell him — and so we tell that un- 
happy and apprehensive gentleman. 

Slavery is Power — it is Might fancying itself right 
— it is Laziness loving to eat, but disdaining to work 
— it is Covetousness of other men's houses, and wives, 
and men-servants, and maid-servants, and oxen, and 
asses, and all else that is other men's. A pretty time 
the Poor White Men will have of it in the new King- 
dom ! It will be charming to live in it as a prince, 
but will it be charming to live in it as a printer or a 
peasant ? How nicely the yoke of military and aris- 
tocratic tyranny will fit the necks of wretched Cau- 
casians, bright-colored but niggerless ! Who knows 
but we may see revived there the feudal times — 
maiden-right, wardship, baronial robberies, the seiz- 
ure of white children for the market, military service, 
and all the hardships of that villanage which men 
have fondly deemed forever abolished by advancing 
Christianity ! 

It may be thought by those who have given an 
insufficient attention to the subject, that we are speak- 
ing somewhat extravagantly; but if we are deceived, 
then the best thinkers in the world, since the pro- 
mulgation of Christianity, have been deceived also. 
This we are aware is not the place for voluminous or 
elaborate citation ; but we venture to refer to a 
writer so well known, and so little likely to be car- 
ried away by his emotions, as Dr. Paley, who says, 



THREE DOCTORS AND TWO LAWYERS. 303 

" Christianity lias triumphed over Slavery established 
in the Roman Empire, and I trust will one day pre- 
vail against the worse Slavery of the West Indies." 
So, too, Dr. Priestly : " Christianity has bettered 
the state of the world in a civil and political respect, 
giving men a just idea of their mutual relations, and 
thereby gradually abolishing Slavery with the servile 
ideas which introduced it, and also many cruel and 
barbarous customs." So, too. Dr. Robertson : " It is 
not the authority of any single, detached precept in 
the Gospel, but the spirit and genius of the Christian 
religion, more powerful than any particular com- 
mand, which will abolish Slavery throughout the 
world." So, too, Fortescue, hard and dry old lawyer 
as he was : " God Almighty has declared himself the 
God of Liberty." But we must not venture to mul- 
tiply authorities, and in spite of temptation we ab- 
stain, simply referring the curious reader to Bodin's 
" Six Books of a Common weale," (Lib. I., Cap. 5,) in 
which he will find the whole case of Christianity 
against Slavery summed up with masterly erudition. 
To return to our original subject, we say that as 
Slavery is hostile to Christianity, it follows that it is 
hostile to Democracy. The Constitution guaranties 
to every white man, at least, in the Rebel States, a 
Republican form of government, which can never be 
maintained with social institutions based upon the 
worst practices of an outworn Heathenism. It is not 
only for territorial power ; it is not only in defence 
of social order and the majesty of law, that we are 
contending, but for the conservation of civilization 



304 JOB. HA WKS y S DOZEN. 

and the security of personal rights ; it is that we may 
not, in our progress toward a higher greatness and 
more equitable social forms, be neighbored by a na- 
tion lapsing into the rudeness and barbarism of the 
Middle Ages. 

" America !" sang Goethe, long ago — 

" America ! thou hast it better 
Than our ancient hemisphere ! 
Thine is no frowning castle, 
No basalt as here ! 

Good luck wait on thy glorious Spring, 
And when in time thy poets sing, 
May some good genius guard them all 
From baron, robber-knight, and ghost traditional." 
October 6, 1862. 



TWELVE LITTLE DIRTY QUESTIONS. 

We should very much like to know what in the opin- 
ion of the Rev. Dr. Hawks constitutes a large and 
clean question. In the Protestant Episcopal Con- 
vention last Monday, Dr. Hawks, arguing that the 
Church must treat its rebellious children with " len- 
ity, courtesy and affection," used the following lan- 
guage : "We must not lug in all the little dirty ques- 
tions of the day which will be buried with their 
agitation." One might retort upon Dr. Hawks that 
the questions which have disturbed the diocese for 
some years past, have been many of them small, and 
one of them, at least, exceedingly dirty — to say noth- 
ing of piquant scandals in the neighboring diocese 
of Pennsylvania. 



Q UEJRIES ST A TED. 305 

To the Protestant Episcopal Church, is unques- 
tionably due the reverence of some of us and the 
respect of others ; but Heaven knows there is nothing 
in its history, nothing in its present position which 
justifies this sublime scorn of political affairs which 
Dr. Hawks professes. In England, from the days 
of Henry VIII. to the days of Victoria, the Church 
has been quite as much a political as a religious body 
— its Bishops have been courtiers, and sometimes 
generals — it has been a political institution in Scot- 
land and in Ireland — the reigning monarch has been 
its legal head — among its clergy have figured the 
keenest and most unscrupulous politicians, while for 
the last twenty-five years, though Laud has been in 
his coffin for more than two centuries, this Church 
which never meddles with little questions, has been 
well-nigh sundered upon points of architecture, of 
upholstery, of tailoring, of genuflexions and of decor- 
ations ; while in America we have had petty repro- 
ductions of the same differences, with the disgusting 
spectacle of a Right Reverend Father in God, riding, 
all booted and spurred, at the head of his rebel regi- 
ments. After this, to find Dr. Hawks so delicately 
squeamish and so doubtful about the authority of the 
Church in public affairs, must excite commiseration 
both for his stomach and his understanding. 

Shall the United State of America be deprived of 
an immense territory acquired at a cost of blood 
and treasure absolutely incomputable ? This is Dr. 
Hawks's Little Dirty Question, No. One. 

Shall the Constitution of the United States be 



306 MOEE mTEBROGATIVES. 

overthrown by the perjuries of its sworn defenders ? 
This is Dr. Hawks's Little Dirty Question, No. Two. 

Shall the Loyal States see the rolls of their eiti- 
zens decimated, the flower of their youth slain in 
battle, the homes only a little while ago the happiest 
in the world made desolate, the honest accumulations 
of industry scattered, the enterprises of benevolence 
arrested — and all without hope of indemnity or of 
security ? This is Dr. Hawks's Little Dirty Ques- 
tion, No. Three. 

Shall the wildest and wickedest perjury, the most 
Satanic defiance of the Majesty of Heaven, the clear- 
est and least defensible of crimes flourish and bloom 
in the establishment of a great empire, and out of 
the dissolution of society secure the prosperous for- 
tunes of the turbulent and the ambitious ? This is 
Dr. Hawks's Little Dirty Question, No. Four. 

Shall the great experiment of political self-govern- 
ment utterly fail, while we, crouching and crawling 
through the vicissitudes of anarchy, find refuge at 
last in blind obedience to the edicts of an autocrat ? 
This is Dr. Hawks's Little Dirty Question, No. Five. 

Shall a system of labor be perpetuated which, with- 
out regard to its abstract equity, without considera- 
tion of its injustice to the employed, has so demoral- 
ized the employer, that treason, robbery and murder 
seem to him to be Christian virtues ? This is Dr. 
Hawks's Little Dirty Question, No. Six. 

Shall a system of labor be perpetuated which so 
utterly degrades the spiritual nature of the enslaved, 
as to expose it in its very yearning for sacred culture 



THE CA TEGIIISM GONCL UDED. 307 

to a fanaticism analogous to idolatry ? This is Dr. 
Hawks's Little Dirty Question, No. Seven. 

Shall a system of labor be perpetuated the very- 
essence of which is a denial of the fundamental prin- 
ciple of Christian ethics — that the laborer is worthy 
of his hire ? This is Dr. Hawks's Little Dirty Ques- 
tion, No. Eight. 

Shall these acts be considered by the Church mere 
peccadilloes, when perpetrated by its Southern slave- 
holding members, which in its Northern communi- 
cants it would at once visit with its censure and even 
its excommunication ? This is Dr. Hawks's Little 
Dirty Question, No. Nine. 

Shall a Church which every Sunday prays the 
Good Lord to deliver us " from all sedition, privy 
conspiracy and rebellion," and " to give to all na- 
tions unity, peace and concord," still hold commu- 
nion with a Church which is full of sedition, privy 
conspiracy and rebellion against the unity, peace and 
concord of the land ? This is Dr. Hawks's Little 
Dirty Question, No. Ten. 

Shall a Church which every Sunday prays for " the 
President of the United States, and all others in au- 
thority " — not merely as fellow-men, but because they 
are " in authority " — shall the Church withhold its 
censure of those of its members, who in contempt of 
authority are waging a felonious war against law and 
order ? This is Dr. Hawks's Little Dirty Question, 
No. Eleven. 

Whether, finally, these communicants of the Church 
in the rebel States who have been so disregardful of 



308 GAT AND DOG RECONCILED. 

its discipline, and so false to its teachings as to avow- 
edly violate all laws Divine and human, are entitled 
to anything more than Christian pity, are at all en- 
titled in their double tort to Christian Fellowship, 
is a Little Dirty Question well worth the considera- 
tion of every Christian Patriot ; and is Dr. Hawks's 
No. Twelve. 

October 11, 1862. 



DEMOCRACY IN LONDON. 

This is an age of new loves and unwonted affec- 
tions. That must have been a curious concatenation 
of events which has brought our Democratic Party 
into such high favor in Printing -House Square. 
When it was young and wickedly vigorous, the queer 
old women who create public opinion in England al- 
ways denounced it as dangerous and disreputable ; 
and it is only now when its vices have brought it to 
a premature dotage, with no virility to improve its 
fortuitous conquests, that they have suddenly grown 
in love with its stammering speech and shattered 
corporation. Our readers must pardon the pecul- 
iarity of the figure, for the sake of that emasculation 
which can only thus be indicated. 

The London Times suffers itself to be cheated by 
majorities as fortune-hunters allow wealth to hide 
decay and infirmity ; and fancies that if the Demo- 
cratic Party was once more dominant in Congress, 
our feuds would be in a fair way of adjustment. 



S USPICIO US AFFECTION. 309 

This is an eminent instance of forgetfulness and for- 
giveness. Democracy lias proved its political skill 
and pure singleness of purpose, by uttering bitter 
slanders and bitterer truths whenever its policy has 
clashed with that of England ; by taking the lead 
in every debate in which that country has been se- 
verely handled, by formal and perpetual denuncia- 
tions of monarchies and aristocracies ; by avowing 
itself from its Presidents down to its bob-tail at the 
polls, always and upon principle unrelentingly the 
enemy of the British Empire. Nor has the favor 
been unrepaid. Whigs and Tories in the Imperial 
Parliament, if they have united in nothing else, have 
agreed that American Democracy was but another 
name for license and the synonym for anarchy. 

Can any one doubt, when The Times thus sud- 
denly shifts its key-note, and affects to be in love 
with what it considers to be the popular party in 
America, that it cares for nothing but a change in 
the Administration, and patronizes our opponents 
because they would be least likely, if in office, to ne- 
gotiate a lasting and honorable peace ? It is strange 
that even the most distant observers should so soon 
forget that four years of a Democratic Administra- 
tion, with little or no check upon a policy which had 
for its sole object the conservation and consolida- 
tion of Slavery and its minutest interests, failed to 
propitiate those conspirators who mean to mount 
upon Southern passions and prejudices into a per- 
manent oligarchy. It is strange that a fact so mod- 
ern in history as the assassination of the Democratic 



310 ALL NOT ENOUGH. 

Party by its Southern members should be forgotten. 
Are these members likely to consider as valuable 
now what they then thought valueless ? Are they 
likely now to heed in the heat of insurrection, voices 
to which, in the calmness and solemnity of high coun- 
sel, they turned an utterly deaf ear ? We do not ques- 
tion the willingness of Northern Democrats to do 
whatever service the feudal lords of the South may 
prescribe, as the tenure of the old tugs at the Treas- 
ury teats. 

But however willing the Seymour party may be 
to be bought, the rebels are not yet desperate enough 
to buy them. What, indeed, could a new Adminis- 
tration of the bad Buchanan variety offer, which 
could tempt these traitors back to loyalty ? When 
with hasty passion they repudiated all Constitutional 
obligations, they gave up a legislative and judicial 
power far greater than that of the North, but still 
not great enough to satisfy their most unreasonable 
appetite. It was not enough for them to be potent 
in practice, but they insisted on being considered 
omnipotent in theory. We caught and surrendered 
their fugitives ; we gave them in spite of prescrip- 
tion a fairer chance in the new Territories than we 
reserved for ourselves ; and we hesitate not to say, 
that at the moment of rebellion, if we except the 
pressure upon it by the progressive moral sense of 
the world, slaveholcling never was safer, never more 
profitable in States where it was by law established. 
Within the limits of the Constitution, upon the most 
liberal construction, slaveholders could ask for noth- 



ENGLAND COURTS HER ENEMIES. 311 

ing more than they already possessed. It was not 
"because they were dissatisfied with existing securities 
that they revolted ; but because they could no longer 
bear the moral dissent of the conscientious and en- 
lightened North. Nor of the North alone. By the 
violence of their demonstration and by the inconve- 
niences to which it inevitably subjected the commer- 
cial world, they sought to set aside that indignant 
verdict which was everywhere making up against 
them. They instituted an experiment, not only upon 
the morality, through material interests, of the 
Free States, but upon the integrity of Great Britain. 
They revolted not against the Federal Government, 
but against the Christianity of the Nineteenth Cen- 
tury. Strong in their monopoly of a single agricul- 
tural staple, they boasted of their power to change 
the religious convictions of great empires by sordid 
influences and pecuniary temptations. 

The Northern States of America were not to be 
deluded into so much as a quasi endorsement of cruelty 
and barbarism even by old associations and cherished 
traditions, and still less by gross and direct appeals 
to the pocket. But the man-owners were more fortu- 
nate abroad, where we should have supposed the 
speculation would have been more desperate. It is 
at this juncture that England invokes the aid of her 
old enemies, the American Democracy, and tempts 
them to an utter abnegation of honor and honesty. 
It is now in a spirit of pure selfishness that she hints 
to them that by bated breath and whispered humble- 
ness, by unlimited concessions and a thorough-paced 



312 A HUMOBO US PHYSICIAN. 

flunkeyism, they may secure their own power and 
advance her prosperity. The leading journal of Eu- 
rope, as some have called it, is not ashamed to stimu- 
late what remains of the dough-faces to lower cring- 
ing and ingenuities of humiliation. It would use as 
the wheedled instrument of its selfish purposes, the 
very party which yesterday it affected to despise, and 
unquestionably detested. We do not think that po- 
litical scheming has ever made a baser or more ludi- 
crous descent than this, even when under the influ- 
ence of commercial appetites. 

November 19, 1862. 



LAUGHTER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE. 

The late Democratic State Convention in New Hamp- 
shire, considering the fearfully funereal business upon 
which it met, was decidedly in luck. Remembering 
that it is, so to speak, a deposed dynasty, we may con- 
gratulate the New Hampshire Democracy upon the 
possession of a certain funny physician, named Bachel- 
der, who introduced his method of cure — a kind of 
Gigglepathy — to the Convention, and made jokes for 
the members about the " inevitable nigger," which 
were received, we are told, with roars of merriment. 
Taking into account how small will be their tempta- 
tions to laughter after the election, perhaps it was 
merely prudent for the delegates to exercise their 
diaphragms before that event ; for if he laughs who 
wins, the victims of predestinate defeat must secure 



HYPOCHONDRIA TREATED. 313 

their quantum of the amusement before their solemn 
fate is determined, if they would have it at all. " To- 
morrow we may be dying," — very justly thought 
these Democrats — "let us be merry while we can." 

Of the pure philosophic school of Democrats, the 
drearier their destiny, the heartier their guffaws be- 
came, under the persuading influences of the droll 
Doctor, who is, we take it, like one of the old-fash- 
ioned quacks who, in other days, were wont to dis- 
pense mercury and merriment from a stage at country 
fail's. We give the Doctor this publicity because we 
cannot sufficiently admire his pluck in being jolly 
under circumstances which would have daunted 
Mark Tapley himself. We must add that we give 
him credit, too, for an exceeding ingenuity at discov- 
ering new materials for laughter in the " nigger ;" 
for we really thought that Buckley and the rest of 
the lampblack boys had exhausted the fountain of 
sable farce. 

If any of our readers are laboring under that green- 
and-yellow complaint called melancholy, we cordially 
recommend them to send fifty cents, and a few locks 
of their hair, to the New Hampshire Paracelsus. He 
is " death on gloom," as other accomplished quacks 
have been " death on fits." He is a walking, grin- 
ning, giggling, cacchinating, tittering, smiling proof 
of the excellence of his own theory, and the infalli- 
bility of his own practice. Here is the country in 
the condition of the most cruel anxiety ; we are be- 
reaved, we are drafted, we are impoverished ; in hun- 
dreds of homes there is weeping for the dead, and 
U 



314 A TIME TO LAUGH. 

terrible suspense, and fear of the next news, and sick- 
ening anxiety until it shall come ; but in spite of all 
this weary woe, the irrepressible Doctor Bachelder 
mounts the stage with his budget of quips and quirks, 
and soon has the grave Democracy of ISTew Hamp- 
shire in a roar worthy of any peepshow or penny 
theatre. The man who could do this should not con- 
tent himself with peddling pills in the rural districts. 
He has a right to aspire to metropolitan fame. With 
a little chalk upon his cheeks, and red ochre on the 
tip of his nose, he would be invaluable in a traveling 
circus. We cordially recommend him to our friend 
Barnum as quite a monster of merriment. With the 
two dwarfs to make jokes, and the Doctor to laugh 
at them, we believe it would be necessary to enlarge 
the cash-box of the museum. 

If we are ourselves exhibiting a little ill-timed 
pleasantry, we must plead the contagion of example. 
It is impossible to write of this Medical Momus in a 
serious way. Perhaps if we were to take a few les- 
sons of him in the Art of Laughing — will he be good 
enough to send us a card of his terms for twelve les- 
sons? — we, too, might see Slavery in a ludicrous 
light. Who knows but the Doctor might found a 
new Pro-Slavery sect ? Some say that the institution 
is patriarchal, others affirm it to be ethnological. 
Others, still, find authority for it in the curse of Ca- 
naan. Now, might not Bachelder take the ground 
that, whereas, "there is a time to laugh," so God 
gave us Slavery to laugh at — Slavery with its shames 
and crimes, its cruelties and inconsistencies. When 



ROAR A WA Y, DOCTOR ! 315 

Sambo writhes under the lash, what can be droller? 
"When his wife is cowhided, is there not entertain- 
ment in every scream ? It is such a joke to part 
mother and child ! It is such a perfection of comedy 
— this exhibition of human will, utterly depraved, 
and of human weakness, utterly down-trodden ! Roar 
away, Dr. Bachelder ! Roar until your breath fails, 
and your sides shake ! Why should n't you laugh ? 
Are there not laughing hyenas ? 

We believe that the jovial Bachelders of the day 
should be encouraged to new efforts in laughing at 
the Blacks, because it really begins to be doubtful 
whether, after all, the Blacks will not too soon have 
the laugh against us. We can imagine one of these 
ebony butts, of ordinary intelligence and a sardonic 
turn of mind, chuckling in a way that would afford 
a new study for the Ethiopian Serenaders, at the par- 
ticularly hot water in which his light-colored supe- 
riors are floundering. While he has nothing to lose, 
and can hardly sink to a lower deep of misery, he has 
the retributive compensation of observing our wars 
and our wastes, our bereavements and our bankrupt- 
cies, our failures and our fears. The man must be 
purblind, at least, who does not see that, in all these 
distractions, the celebrated curse has been mysteri- 
ously transferred from the shoulders of Canaan to 
our own. The New Hampshire doctor does well to 
laugh while it is possible. He cannot tell whose 
chance it will be next ! 

November 23, 1862. 



316 VIRTUE AFTER CASH. 



SLAVEHOLDING VIRTUES. 

Southeen statists have asserted negro-owning to be 
the nurse of public virtues, just as Southern theologi- 
ans have found in it an abiding stimulus of personal 
piety. In the Free States it has been claimed by 
these polished Patriarchs that we have secured Lib- 
erty only at the expense of good manners or good 
morals. New York is a sink of iniquity. Philadel- 
phia is the mother of mobs. Boston is the centre of 
free-thinking and general licentiousness. Yankee 
treasurers are always defaulters. Yankee merchants 
are always absconding. Yankee women are stran- 
gers to virtue, and Yankee men to honesty. We 
are not duellists; we are not street-assassins; we 
do not carry pistols in our pockets and bowie-knives 
at our backs ; we do not lynch, summarily, those 
with whom we may happen to disagree ; but every 
Northern mob and Northern murder is paraded in 
the Southern newspapers, as a proof of that social 
dissolution, which is always here impending. The 
Southern idea of a thorough Yankee is like Sir John 
Yanbrugh's idea of a Puritan, — " a fellow with flat, 
plod shoes, greasy hair and a dirty face — a friend to 
nobody, loving nothing but his altar and himself; a 
debauchee in piety and as quarrelsome in his religion 
as other people are in their drink." But our princi- 
pal wickedness is our love of money. We do any 
thing for dollars. We think more of a shilling than 
of our own souls. " Virtus post nummos" is written 
upon our heart of hearts. 



WHO SHALL KEEP THE KEEPERS? 317 

The cosmopolitan moralist who admires honesty 
wherever it may exist will be painfully agitated to 
learn, that living in the actual centre of sweet and 
persuasive slaveholding influences, the respectable E. 
Hunter Taliaferro, first doorkeeper of the Confederate 
Senate of Virginia, by which we understand the front 
doorkeeper, has drawn forged warrants upon the State 
Treasury, to the melancholy tune of fourteen thou- 
sand dollars, and what is worse, has bagged the mo- 
ney, or those rags which are supposed to represent 
the money. The Richmond papers which report this 
backsliding of the wretched Taliaferro do not say that 
he has any Tankee blood in his felonious heart, but 
we suppose it will be eventually discovered that he 
has a great aunt living somewhere in New England, 
who is a church-member and an Abolitionist. Noth- 
ing less can account for his profound iniquity. He 
must certainly be of the old Puritan stock. Who 
but one purely of that strain could rob impecunious, 
starving, ragged Virginia ? Surely it can not be one 
of her own children who has thus pilfered from an 
insolvent old mother, who has seen better days. 
Why, 't would be like filching coppers from the dead 
eyes of one's grandam. O Hunter Taliaferro ! What 
a bad example you have set to the ingenuous youth 
of Virginia ! 

So, too, we lament to record that in New Orleans, 
Gen. Butler has not found that pure Arcadian sim- 
plicity of character which should have been engen- 
dered and cherished by auction-blocks and barra- 
coons. It turns out that in this city of primeval in- 



318 CAREER OF WILLIAM CONCLUDED. 

nocence, there are Secessionists upon whom all classes 
have nnited in conferring the gentle name of 
" Thugs." We suppose that most of our readers 
know what a Thug is. He is a gentleman of East- 
ern origin who finds his principal pleasure in play- 
ing such scurvy tricks upon travelers as murder and 
robbery. What does he do in the West when he 
should serve his lord and master, the devil, in the 
East ? Why is he not operating in New England ? 
We do n't know. We only know that he is said to 
be fearfully lively in New Orleans just now. Partic- 
ularly is mentioned a certain "Red Bill" (or William 
Rufus, we suppose.) who for many years in this Cres- 
cent City has performed a crescendo of crime, mur- 
dering, whenever and whomsoever he pleased, with 
artistic enthusiasm, and finally closing his career 
of glorious guilt by flinging a loyal person into the 
river to be drowned. 

Hitherto William the Red has pursued enthusias- 
tically his brilliant career with no let or hindrance. 
How many people he ^as drowned, how many bush- 
els of brains he has scattered, how many hearts the 
ball from his friendly pistol has perforated, into 
whose bowels his bowie-knife has found a sudden and 
unwelcome entrance, we shall know when we read 
his Last Dying Speech and Confession ; for, we are 
happy to say that Gen. Butler, appreciating the mer- 
its of this sanguinary chevalier, and believing that 
his career should be poetically rounded, had conclud- 
ed at the last advices to hang him, and doubtless, be- 
fore this, has hanged him, to the uncommon satisfao- 



THE PATRIARCHAL THEORY. 319 

tion of the spectators. But what astonishes us is, that 
this rose-colored gentleman owned black-colored pro- 
perty, and should, therefore, by all established rules, 
have been also a person of the most altitudinous virtue. 
Instead of roaming about with a barker in one hand 
and an acute, persuading bowie-knife in the other, in- 
stead of giving himself up to the somewhat coarse 
dissipation of throwing inoffensive people into the 
river; the Rosy William should have remained at 
home, seated in his own tabernacle, perusing the Ho- 
ly Scriptures, or under the shade of his own fig-tree 
he should have read and expounded them to his hench- 
men and handmaidens, making plain to their simple 
understandings, the profound commentaries of Doctor 
Lord or of Doctor Fuller. 

But he does not appear to have been at all the sort 
of person to whom St. Paul would have been in a 
hurrv to send back an absconding church-member. 
It is stated that his death will give great delight to 
his personal Mends, as well as a calmer satisfaction 
to his enemies ; and as we have every reason to be- 
lieve, from Gen. Butler's well-known celerity in such 
matters, that William is now no more, we conclude 
our notice of him by expressing our mild regret that 
he ever existed at all. 

The slaveholding theory is indeed charming. We 
have a benevolent old master, wearing his life out in 
the service of his own serfs and racking his amiable 
brains for inventions of kindness and caretaking. 
We have a society so perfectly ordered, and so utterly 
under the sway of even-handed justice, that wrongs 



320 8A TAN IN THE P ULPIT. 

are not only unknown, but impossible. We have an 
aristocracy of Roman dignity, and a peasantry per- 
fectly happy and measurelessly contented. We have 
the State always serene and the Church forever in 
blossom. Such is the theory — but when we come to 
the practice — ah ! that is quite another matter ! 

December, 11, 1862. 



ROLAND FOR OLIVER, 



No one will pretend that, for the purpose of philo- 
sophical discussion, personal recrimination is of any 
value. " You are another," proves nothing but bad 
temper, and a worse cause. From this point of view 
Gen. Butler's retorts upon his transatlantic censors 
seem to be simply amusing. They remind us, as 
we read, of Satan, with a savor of his normal brim- 
stone exuding from every pore, creeping, tail and all, 
into some empty pulpit, and exhorting the congrega- 
tion to abandon its sins. When lechers preach con- 
tinence, when misers advocate liberality, when bullies 
set up for Chesterfields, when prize-fighters put on 
Quaker coats, when liars tender their corporal oath, 
it is the way of the world, a very wicked and un- 
charitable world, no doubt, to snicker and to sneer. 
It cannot be helped. It is only a simple resort to 
our natural defence against presumption and hypoc- 
risy. It is no palliation, indeed, of our own wrong- 
doing, but it is a fair assertion of our right to be re- 
buked by honest lips, and to be smitten by clean 
hands. 



GE2T. B UTLER '8 FORTITER. 321 

By recrimination the woman taken in adultery es- 
caped not only a cruel but a legal death ; and the con- 
sciousness that we are none of us without sin, saves 
society from perpetual collisions and an eternal wrangle. 
But when Gen. Butler, placed as he was in a most 
difficult and delicate position, found it necessary to re- 
sort to certain punishments, some of them extreme 
indeed, but most of them of a mild and municipal 
character — punishments which fifty years ago were 
as familiar to Europe as the bulletins of Napoleon — 
then every scribbler for the London newspapers felt 
it to be his duty to elevate his whine, and to repre- 
sent the General as a blood-thirsty ogre, only deterred 
from dining upon Rebels by the extreme leanness of 
their corporeity. There was never a sillier slander. 

Imagine a commander in military possession of a 
captured town, who allows his soldiers to be insulted, 
his authority to be questioned, his Government to be 
derided in the newspapers ; who invites his own as- 
sassination by his fear of hanging professional bravos, 
and who runs a daily risk of ignominious expulsion, 
because he cannot make up his gentle mind to aban- 
don the suaviier for a time, and resort, in his emer- 
gency, to the fortiter ! Of course, under such circum- 
stances, if he does his duty, he will be denounced by 
those whom it would be criminal to conciliate. It ? s 
the rogue trussed up and haltered, with his ill opin- 
ion of the law, over again ! Particularly would the 
satisfaction under such circumstances be lively, in a 
city like New Orleans— a city in which, in the most 
peaceful times, the civil and judicial authorities have 
14* 



322 WHAT HE HAS NOT DONE. 

been notoriously corrupt and inefficient — a city in 
which mobs have always abounded, and human life 
has ever been unsafe — a city which has been a con- 
stant reservoir of Slaveholding rascality, and the ref- 
use of lawlessness and violence. To the ruffianhood 
of New Orleans, the vigor, the promptness, the pre- 
cision and the inexorability of Gen. Butler must have 
been, of necessity, astonishing and uncomfortable. 

But, upon a review of his proceedings, this much- 
berated Major-General, so far from finding anything 
to regret, appears to regard the moderation of his 
course with no little complacency ; and the sang-froid 
with which he reminds his English assailants of the 
little he had done, and the deal which, following es- 
tablished precedents, he might have done, is really 
entertaining. He has dealt lightly enough, he thinks, 
with men who, fifty times over, have forfeited their 
lives. He has n't smoked them to death, as the sol- 
diers of Claverhouse did the Covenanters ; he has n't 
roasted them as the French did the Algerines ; he 
has n't scalped them, and tomahawked wives and 
mothers, as the Indians under British colors did at 
Wyoming ; he has n't " looted " private property after 
the fashion of the English in China ; he has n't blown 
his prisoners from his guns, as Bull did at Delhi ; he 
has resorted to extreme penalties only when the law 
demanded them, and the commonest punishment 
which he has inflicted has been banishment to an 
island, where, only a little while ago, his own soldiers 
were quartered. 

It seems to us, after the fullest consideration, that 



WHAT CAPT. HOD SON BID. 323 

a retort like this is perfectly fair. Gen. Butler may 
well urge in his own defence that England, with all 
her immense resources, has never found the work of 
arresting a rebellion a mere holiday task. He might 
have gone further, if he had seen fit to do so. He 
might have pointed to the atrocities of the English 
soldiery in Ireland — to that chapter of history which 
can never be recited without awaking the indignation 
of mankind — to cabins burned, to men and women 
indiscriminately murdered, to tortures mercilessly 
inflicted — to that whole catalogue of crimes which 
Lord Cornwallis, then the Lord-Lieutenant of Ire- 
land, in vain endeavored to arrest, by the most pa- 
thetic remonstrance addressed to the English minis- 
ters in London. 

It would have been no inequitable rejoinder, to 
have said something of the British Themis, advancing 
into the hovels of Ireland with a halter in one hand 
and a bag of guineas in the other, buying men's lives 
as drovers purchase cattle, and attended by a train 
of nine-times perjured sycophants, spies, and inform- 
ers ! Something, too, might have been said of Capt. 
Hodson's summary execution, with his own hand, of 
the two sons and the grandson of the King of Delhi 
— an act, the propriety and necessity of which we do 
not mean to question — but still an act of boldness 
and severity, in comparison with which anything 
done by Gen. Butler during his government of New 
Orleans, has been the milk of mercy itself ! But if 
the perils of the Rebellion in India were such as to 
drive an excellent and amiable officer to the extreme 



324 WAR NO PASTIME. 

of severity — if Capt. Hodson himself shot his prison- 
ers, while it is n't pretended that Gen. Butler played 
Jack Ketch upon any occasion — why are we to be 
denounced for simply securing the safety of a city 
fairly captured by our forces ? We are not fighting 
for entertainment. We are not engaged in mere 
pastime. 

Unless, indeed, we are in grim earnest in this con- 
test ; unless we are determined, before we throw by 
the sword, to re-establish the Federal authority where- 
ever it has been assailed ; unless w^e mean war with 
all its incidents and consequents, we are verily guilty 
of blood carelessly and causelessly spilt, and must an- 
swer to God for incalculable suffering. But in view 
of the great and patriotic work before us, the little 
matters at New Orleans, which have furnished the 
London journals with themes for whole symphonies 
of sarcasm and wrath, dwindle into insignificance. 
General Butler has acted precisely as any English or 
French General would have acted ; or perhaps it 
would be fairer to say, that he has displayed a mod- 
eration which, in an English or French officer, we 
should have looked for in vain. Without any par- 
ticular admiration for his character, we feel that to 
say this is only to do him simple justice. 

January 12, 1863. 



THE GEE AT BOO! 325 

HISTORICAL SCARECROWS. 

The cheapest and, at the same time, the readiest of 
all subterfuges, when logic is lacking, is the Historical 
Bugaboo. Its employment is quite independent of 
sense or of scholarship. A single event, no matter 
how ancient, may be turned into a fresh fight upon 
twenty widely different occasions, and be pertina- 
ciously, and often effectively obtruded, without the 
least regard to the indisputable fact, that the world 
is considerably older than it was on the day of its 
creation. The failure of past republics is made proof 
prophetic of the instability of all popular govern- 
ments. Commonwealths must go to ruin eighteen 
centuries after Christ, because Commonwealths went 
to ruin ten centuries before Christ. History is only 
written to prove that "JSTought is everything, and 
everything is nought." 

Is it proposed, in countries principally Protestant, 
to emancipate the Catholics? Remember St. Bar- 
tholomew! Is it argued that governments derive 
their just powers from the consent of the governed? 
Think of the red rivers of the French Revolution ! 
Do we ask for justice to the American Slave ? Men 
with hearts as hard as their bigotry, or that of St. 
Dominic himself, parade the butcheries of St. Domin- 
go ! The fact of the massacres is sufficient. What 
caused them — who was in the right, and who was in 
fault — whether the Blacks did anything to be praised 
instead of blamed — these are minor considerations, 
unworthy of the attention of men who know abso- 



326 THE TRUE STORY OF ST DOMINGO. 

lutely nothing of that sad history, and who could not 
for their lives, upon a cross examination, tell us 
whether Toussaint was a black or a white man, what 
he did while living, or where, or under what circum- 
stances, he died. It is enough to " scream " St. Do- 
mingo ! and every abolitionist is considered to be 
effectually graveled. It is in this idiotic way that 
History is abused. The Express do n't know much, 
but it can whine " St. Domingo !" The Herald never 
makes a pretence of argument, but it can bawl " St. 
Domingo !" Women can whimper it — platform 
prophets can howl it — cross and crusted conserva- 
tives can adduce it victoriously — and persons vibrat- 
ing between duty and dollars, finding that a defence 
of Slavery upon the Judaic basis involves abstinence 
from sausages, can abandon Palestine for the West 
Indies without interfering with their breakfasts. 

It is of but little use to ask these people to hear 
the whole story. Why should they listen, if, by 
being tolerably well informed, they are to be did- 
dled out of a good chronic cry? Why tell them 
that, after the decree of the French Convention of 
1784 had confirmed the emancipation of the colony, 
the most respectable authorities declare that the 
freedmen were peaceable and industrious, working 
upon their own plantations and for their old masters ? 
That of course is n't a fact of any importance. Why 
tell these historical gentlemen, who know everything, 
that nine-tenths of the atrocities committed by the 
Blacks were incited by the Whites and Mulattoes ? 
That is of no consequence. Why show that, under 



WEST INDIAN' EMANGIPA TION. 327 

Toussaint, the colony flourished, the Whites living 
happily upon their plantations, the estates well and 
cheerfully cultivated by the Blacks, until the expe- 
dition of Le Clerc, sent forward by that wily Italian, 
to whom the very name of Liberty was detestable, 
arrived for the single purpose of restoring Slavery ? 
What followed — the tearing of the Negroes by blood- 
hounds — the wholesale massacre of the Blacks — the 
infinite cruelties inflicted by the planters — is not so 
well known as the final expulsion of the French, and 
the horrors by which it was attended. That the 
Blacks took an ample revenge is not denied. That 
they were always humane is not asserted. But it is, 
nevertheless, equally true, that if ever cruelties were 
provoked it was when the needless and unjustifiable 
interference of Bonaparte aroused passions which, in 
men of a different complexion, would have been con- 
sidered worthy only of the warmest praise. 

Such is the case of St. Domingo. Admitting all 
that the advocates of Human Bondage say of it, it 
proves nothing against Emancipation, and everything 
against Re-enslavement. To any rash deductions 
from its darker features, we are at liberty to oppose 
all the other experiences of modern times. Not to 
enter into more details, we fearlessly appeal to the 
great experiment in the British West Indies. We 
are aware of the commercial objections which have 
been made to that measure — the complaint of meagre 
crops and of reduced incomes — the ruin which it is 
asserted has overtaken the landed proprietors. But we 
are not now considering a question of pounds sterling, 



328 HISTORICAL PRECEDENTS. 

or of tlie diminished value of sugar-estates. We are 
investigating the chances of social safety and order 
under the new relations which Emancipation estab- 
lishes. According to the doctrine of the JNegropho- 
bist, the West India Blacks should have cut every 
Englishman's throat— and the worst that Thomas 
Carlyle, in his diabolical hatred of the African, can 
say is, that while he can get pumpkins for nothing, 
the Freedman will not dig potatoes ! This the stern- 
est moralist will admit is something less than the 
murders, rapes, and arsons which should have fol- 
lowed that memorable First of August, and which we 
are invited to believe will follow our own memorable 
First of January. 

For ourselves, if w T e are to be guided in our present 
duties by the precedents of the past, we prefer to 
select our own examples, and to draw our own con- 
clusions. If the latest English newspapers come to 
us freighted with sarcastic sneers at the Emancipa- 
tion of the American Slave, we can read them with 
equanimity, when we remember that Mr. Dundas, in 
1792, proposed, in Parliament, the Emancipation of 
the British Blacks — that Mr. Burke proposed a bill 
for the same great purpose — that Mr. Pitt avowed 
that the abolition of the Slave Trade must be fol- 
lowed by the abolition of Slavery — that Sir Samuel 
Eomilly, in pronouncing the doom of a barbarous 
commerce, anticipated the time " when the West In- 
dies should no more be cultivated, as now, by wretch- 
ed Slaves, but by happy and contented laborers," — 
- — that the careless but kind-hearted Sheridan de- 



A BLIND ALLEY. 329 

clared, that the abolition of the Slave-Trade was 
"the proper preamble to the entire abolition of 
Slavery/' — that Lord Grenviile, then Prime Minister, 
moved Emancipation in the House of Lords — and, 
finally, that old Dr. Johnson used to drink, as a 
favorite toast, " a speedy insurrection of the Slaves 
of Jamaica, and success to them !" 

These were the views of enlightened English states- 
men and thinkers nearly a century ago. These opin- 
ions, familiar as they are to our own educated classes, 
have done much to create and strengthen that hos- 
tility to Slavery which the great organ of the British 
shopkeepers now stigmatizes as fanaticism and folly. 
Let it rave ! Let its passion for pounds sterling get 
the better of its moral principles ! The world moves, 
and a century hence men will read its leading articles 
as they now read the Tory diatribes of Sir Roger 
L'Estrange. 

January 13, 1863. 



THE OTHER WAY. 



"In medio tutissimus ibis" — "down the middle," 
as they say in the dancing-schools — is a charming 
maxim when there is any middle to go down. But 
when some nice representative of the conservative 
species, who has adjusted his neat legs for a pleasant 
pirouette through unencumbered spaces of pleasant- 
ness and ease, finds his path incontinently blocked up, 
and discovers that there is no way through which he 



330 TIMIDITY OF THE COPPERHEAD. 

may glide to measureless content, it is very ridiculous 
in him to persist in figuring fussily about, no matter 
how melodious may be the fiddles which call upon 
him to demonstrate the perfection of his glissando. 

Gentlemen w^ho manufacture leading-articles for the 
London newspapers are much outraged by Mr. Lin- 
coln's Emancipation Proclamation. Gentlemen near- 
er home have also their perturbations. To free the 
slaves is to be rash and radical, and to follow all pre- 
cedents and to confiscate that property w^hich is most 
valuable and upon which we can most readily put 
the just finger of the law, is to encourage the whole 
catalogue of crimes, and to awaken under the breast- 
bone of Jefferson Davis, passions which our best 
blood only can cool. The philosophic mind astutely 
contemplating these difficulties, and not discover- 
ing very clearly that middle course which should be 
pursued, but which will doubtless charmingly develop 
itself when two and two make five, seeks for a solu- 
tion in the other extreme, and wonders if we should 
please our English critics better by avowing ourselves 
converts in soul and spirit to the doctrine of the di- 
vine right of Man-Owning. Better this than split- 
ting hairs eternally ! Better this than to be forever 
leering with one eye at Self-interest, and with the 
other at Duty ! Better accept in the full proportions 
of its gigantic diabolism, the Evangel of Brute Force, 
than to be always dyspeptically sighing at our trou- 
bles and shrinking like children from our medicine ! 
These modern apologists of treason want a few 
lessons in manly and muscular wickedness. TNow 



SOOTHING TREATMENT. 331 

they go bobbing about like the old Duke of Newcas- 
tle at a levee, shedding tears, hysterically laughing, 
asking what they shall do to be saved, following no- 
body's advice, cursing the Abolitionists heartily, 
cursing the Rebels just enough to be in the fashion, 
swearing that something must be done, pitying the 
North, commiserating the South and fancying that 
somehow — God only knows how ! — if they were in 
Congress or the President's Cabinet, or at the head of 
the Army, they would smooth down every hair of 
this rebellious cat, and coax North and South, in the 
purple light of love, to fall amorously into each other's 
arms ! Why will not these people see that comfort, 
convenience, necessity, consistency, all require them 
to say to the Rebels : 

" Gentle Patriarchs ! Legitimate descendants of 
Abraham, Isaac and Jacob ! Most worthy and most 
injured Man-Owners ! Salt of the Earth ! You wish 
to own Niggers— Black, Yellow and White Niggers 
■ — without hindrance. A very reasonable wish ! Be- 
lieve us it shall be gratified. Not only shall you own 
them, but, to assist you in owning them, we will eat 
our own Bibles and Constitutions ; we will fight your 
battles ; we will pay your taxes ; we will catch the 
fugacious for you without fee or reward ; we will im- 
port Sambo for you in our brave ships ; and whoever 
within our borders shall say one word against the 
equity, or the policy, of your unlimited charter, that 
man, by due process of law, we will hang, draw and 
quarter." 

Now this it seems to us, is the precise opposite of 



332 LET THE BA UBLES GO ! 

the Emancipation Proclamation winch has proved so 
acrid to the tender interiors of some Englishmen and 
of some Northern Democrats. The Rebel asks yon 
to admit that his Slave system is beautiful. Well, 
then, let us admit it ! To be sure we involve ourselves 
in dreadful responsibilities by doing so — we pile a 
mountain of corpses upon the Northern conscience — 
we admit the utter fatuity of the Northern mind — 
we own an error more monstrous than any people 
ever before committed — we spit upon the loveliness 
of civilization, and advertise ourselves atheists, hope- 
less of human progress, acquiescent in the misery of 
man, confessing him incapable of advancement, and 
the sheerest plaything of his own idiotic dreams ! 

But let the baubles go ! Let us throw away our 
rattles — pity, love, charity, humanity — the baubles 
of our childhood, and, grimly advancing to confront 
our bitter destiny, and crying piteously, " Good 
devil !" seal our Manichsean faith in the blood of the 
helpless and the despairing ! Why should we not ? 
The shuttles of Lancashire will again fly merrily — 
the great Juggernaut of Printing-House Square will 
grin approbation at us, with his gaping, bloody 
mouth — the bulky bales will again fill our ships — 
the Patriarchs will again adorn and fortify our Legis- 
lative halls — dear, delightful internal, not to say in- 
fernal, commerce will be resumed- — churches will 
flourish and missions will multiply — of ploughshares 
and pruning-hooks there will be no end in the land ! 
Talk about conscience ! We assert without fear of 
contradiction from any good Conservative of the 



CONSCIENCE AT A DISCO UNT. 333 

Seymour-Brooks- Wood-en order, that no nation can 
afford to maintain a conscience. Conscience neither 
sows nor reaps, nor gathers into barns, nor lays up 
treasure on earth, nor spins nor owns ships. What 
do they care for conscience in Downing Street? 
Where would Louis Napoleon have been now, if in- 
stead of keeping two or three mistresses, he had been 
fool enough to keep a conscience ? Tormented still 
by his tailor in a London garret ! Of all ridiculous 
things in this ridiculous old world, thrice the most 
ridiculous is conscience. It belongs to ecclesiastical 
establishments — it is something to talk about — it is a 
handy thing to have in the house — it is an article for 
which you may have use upon an emergency — but, 
as for a homely, good, every-day conscience, why you 
might as well keep an elephant to do odd jobs in the 
scullery. Bold Britons find conscience a capital 
thing when they wish to form a Society for Propa- 
gating the Gospel in Foreign Parts — but egad ! when 
you come to Conscience vs. Cotton, John Bull is for 
the Defendant ! 

Our little plan we trust will make everything easy. 
It is simply to give the Rebel Slaveholders all they 
ask — Slaves, the Presidency, the Congress, the Army, 
the Navy, the Treasury, the Control of Trade, 
the Direction of the American Church. Will they 
kindly consent to take us in hand ? Will they inti- 
mate to our new government what we must do first ? 
Do we kiss their hands or their feet ? Or do we 
knock our forehead three times upon the ground in 
token of submission ? Must Mr. Lincoln stand at a 



334 SA ULSB UB Y ON GA USES. 

church-door in a sheet, with a candle in his hand? 
Give us the etiquette of our formal surrender that we 
may be preparing for the final ceremony. 

January 14, 1865. 



SAULSBURY'S SENTIMENTS. 

Me. Scandal in the play declares that Astrology is a 
most valuable science, because, according Albertus 
Magnus, "it teaches to consider the causation of 
causes in the causes of things." We suspect that 
Mr. Senator Saulsbury must devote his leisure hours 
to occult learning ; for last Thursday his givings-out 
were extremely weighty and oracular ; and if he 
could but have kept his temper, which we are sorry 
to say he lost in the most unphilosophical manner, 
his utterances would have been prodigiously solemn. 
Every gentleman in this free and enlightened country 
is at liberty to reason badly, should he chance to have 
a propensity for bad reasoning ; but when a Senator 
comes back from the Christmas holidays in a condi- 
tion of complete obfuscation, we are apt to think that 
the wassaii-bowl has been too much for his everyday 
intellectuals. 

In descanting upon the " causes of things," Mr. 
Saulsbury thus enlightens the universe : " The raid 
of John Brown, the Liberty Bills, or the election of 
Abraham Lincoln, were not the causes of this war, 
but the assertion of the right to abolish Slavery and 
the evidence of such a purpose." As a specimen of 



WHY TREY BOLTED. 335 

assertion perfectly naked and therefore unusually 
cool, we do not believe that this can be excelled. It 
is indeed curious. This Union Senator Saulsbury, 
who is n't a Rebel, who has n't been sworn into the 
Confederacy, who still abides after a certain fashion, 
and in profession at least, by the Constitution, feels 
it to be his duty to go mousing about for a plausible 
palliation of public crime, and discovers nothing for 
his purpose better than what we are obliged to brand 
as a bit of outrageous falsehood. 

Why the Senator is deeper in the secrets of Re- 
bellion than the Rebels themselves. He knows better 
than they do, why they bolted and why they are 
fighting and bleeding and dying. For if ever men 
gave a clear reason for pursuing a particular course, 
the Seceders have assigned " the election of Abraham 
Lincoln" as an all-sufficient defence of their folly and 
sin. They waited for the result of the Presidential 
canvass, and because it was not to their mind, they 
betook themselves to the heroic remedy of treason. 
It is not pretended — no man in his senses will pre- 
tend, that if Breckenridge had been elected, even 
South Carolina would have refused to acquiesce. 
The truth is, that Mr. Senator Saulsbury does not 
see, in his volunteer defense of the Rebels, that in 
ingeniously making out a case for them, he proves 
too much either for their patriotism, or their honesty 
or their sincerity. It is cruel to take John Brown 
out of their mouths. It is unfriendly to deprive 
them of their pet grievances — the Liberty Bills. It 
is ungenerous to deny that the election of Lincoln 



336 ORIGINAL REPUBLICANISM. 

generated Secession. Take away these causes, and 
why the Rebellion at all ? Salisbury says it was 
"because of the assertion of the right to abolish 
Slavery." Saulsbury may say so, but the Seceders 
don't say so, and never have said so. The right to 
abolish slavery! — who has ever claimed it? and 
when % and where ? It will not do to bring one mere 
guess to bolster up another mere guess, for guesses 
are not evidences in Courts of Justice, nor should 
Mr. Saulsbury offer them as such in the Senate of 
the United States. 

]STo newspaper that supported Mr. Lincoln — no 
public man who canvassed for him — no Republican, 
who as a Republican voted for him — expressed the 
least intention of abolishing Slavery as legally estab- 
lished. You may search files, you may hunt up 
speeches, you may unearth long-buried electioneering 
documents, but you cannot find there, nor in the 
official Resolutions and Addresses of the Republican 
party, any expression of any unconstitutional desire 
or intention — you cannot find it, for the simple 
reason that it is not there! There were indeed a 
few Immediate and Unconditional Abolitionists at 
the North, but as every intelligent Seceder knows, 
they were not Republicans, and they did not vote for 
Abraham Lincoln for the all-sufficient reason that 
they never voted at all. As a mere matter of fact, 
we believe that if the Seceding States had quietly 
acquiesced in Mr. Lincoln's election, they would have 
immeasurably strengthened their favorite institution. 
It is now only in peril because their outrageous con- 



THE PROCLAMA TION. 3 3 7 

duct has driven the President to do what, when he 
assumed office, he had no intention of doing at all. 
We suppose that we understand the reason of Sena- 
tor Saulsbury's diatribe. Now that it is necessary to 
hunt up ammunition against the Administration, it 
is found convenient to say, that Slavery must not be 
interfered with, because the Rebels are in arms to 
prevent such interference and the result of it must 
be hopelessness of conciliation. The Proclamation, 
Saulsbury tells us, is "brutum fulmen" — it is 
nothing, and will amount to nothing — it is ludi- 
crously inefficient and absurdly impotent — and yet — 
for here Saulsbury hoists himself over the other horn 
of his dilemma — and yet, this " brutum fulmen," this 
ludicrous, inefficient, absurd and impotent thing, is 
to have the most extraordinary effects — it is to inten- 
sify the Rebel wrath and confirm the Rebel hate — is 
to make re-union simply impossible. A very re- 
markable effect for such a ridiculous document ! Are 
the Rebels such asses that they allow themselves to 
be thrown into convulsions of rage by a little bit of 
printed paper with no more virtue in it than there 
is in an old almanac ? Why should they be so angry 
at a policy which is not to free a single " nigger," 
and which has its beginning and end in the Presi- 
dent's library ? 

If we get at the condition of the Rebel mind with 
any accuracy from a careful perusal of Jefferson 
Davis's speeches, it is certain that, for the present, it 
has no leaning towards compromises and does n't 
pant to be conciliated. It hears of the victories of 
15 



338 THE DEMOCRACY DESPISED. 

its Northern Democratic friends with infinite non- 
chalance. It does n't vouchsafe a " Thank you !" to 
any of its volunteer Knights in the loyal States. It 
laughs at Saulsbury and with great justice, since it 
is not given to any mortal to sit upon two stools at 
the same time. No human being can gaze with pro- 
found respect upon a Union Senator with Secession 
principles. The late Democratic victories which cost 
so much money, and hard swearing, and sinfully per- 
suasive speeches, and general and unblushing self- 
stultification, are regarded by the rebels with a really 
cruel contempt. Gov. Seymour may be ready to 
fall weeping upon the neck of Jefferson Davis, but 
Davis is sensitive about the neck and begs leave to 
decline the proffered embraces. After all conceivable 
negotiations and tender diplomacy, we come back 
again to dry knocks at last, and one of the driest of 
these, if we may credit Saulsbury, is the Emancipa- 
tion Proclamation. 

January 14, 1863. 



JEFFERSON THE GENTLEMAN. 

Theee is one point upon which our rebellious citizens 
mean that we shall be well informed. They claim, 
like ladies' maids and gentlemen's own gentlemen, a 
monopoly of good breeding; and they prove their 
polish by continually advertising it. Their news- 
papers, presided over by the Chesterfields of ink and 
and shears, are forever saying : 



RICHMOND ARISTOCRATS. 339 

# 

"We are refined and chivalrous, and honorable, 
and knightly, and dignified, and urbane, and accom- 
plished, and elegant, and fascinating and high-toned ; 
while the Yankees are coarse and degraded, and 
mean, and false, and vulgar, and rustic, and ig- 
norant." 

Indeed, these models of humanity lack nothing but 
modesty, which has heretofore, absurdly we suppose, 
been deemed an element of the perfect gentleman. 
There are those who might think that refinement to 
be a little dubious which its claimants are obliged to 
vindicate so often in the public prints. The best bred 
men have heretofore been content to let the world 
find out their merits, without obtruding them, with 
such an outcry, upon the general attention ; but we 
cannot condemn the Rebel Bayards in this particular, 
since the world has been so culpably slow in ac- 
knowledging their superiority. 

The arrival of one living English Marquis and a 
genuine English Colonel in Richmond, has afforded 
The Whig of that sweet city a charming opportunity 
of showing that it knows a gentleman when it sees 
one, and of making quite a little triumph of its sa- 
gacity. It rejoices that the Marquis of Hartington 
has visited Richmond, " for he will have an oppor- 
tunity of contrasting the dignified manners of South- 
ern gentlemen with the coarse vulgarity of the Ex- 
ecutive Head of the Northern States." "We hope the 
Marquis was not disappointed. We remember that 
Bull-Run Russell paid his respects to a certain South- 
ern Governor, and was astonished to find him with 



340 WHERE WAS LETCHER t 

his month full of tobacco, his heels upon the table, 
and his general appearance, rather than else, the re- 
verse of dignified. Still, that was in the Provinces, 
so to speak, and not in refined Richmond. But what 
did they do with poor Letcher, the unpresentable, 
during the visit of the Marquis ? Did they keep him 
hushed up in a garret, under lock and key, with the 
restraining solace of pipe and bottle 1 We ask the 
question, because a great many Secession papers have 
been troubled about Letcher, and have printed lead- 
ing articles to prove his vulgarity. We trust that 
they did n't let him go loose during the sojourn of 
these great English visitors. 

Well, we don't envy the elegance of our Southern 
friends ; we rather admire it. It comes of having 
such a perfect model of propriety at the helm of their 
affairs as Jefferson Davis is. It is not customary, we 
believe, for the head of one belligerent power to call 
the presiding genius of another belligerent power a 
baboon, as this Davis called Mr. Lincoln in a speech 
at Mobile. The kings of England have thought ter- 
rible things of the kings of France, but they have 
never styled them monkeys, nor made allusion to 
wooden shoes and frog soup in their speeches to Par- 
liament. It was Swift, and not the Prime Minister, 
who had so much to say of Louis Baboon. But the 
President of the " Confederacy " forestalls the penny- 
a-liners, and cheats the pamphleteers out of their per- 
quisites ; which proves that, if not a gentleman, he is 
that mysterious next-thing-to-it, sometimes denomin- 
ated Quite a Gentleman. - 

January 16, 1S63. 



UNION FOB THE UNION. 341 



THE CONTAGION OF SECESSION. 

We are beginning to feel the effects of woful example. 
The diabolical spirit of Rebellion not only encounters 
us in the field, but it has entered our legislative cham- 
bers, and under the malign promptings of the Demo- 
cratic party, bent upon rule or ruin, it is tampering with 
the popular loyalty. One year ago men only murmured 
treason ; but success has opened their mouths and 
filled their hearts with abominable political devices. 
We are beginning to see that about the worst battle 
lost to the Union cause, thus far, is that of the New 
York State election. Nobody believes Horatio Sey- 
mour to be friendly to the Administration, or to feel any 
honest sympathy with its embarrassments — yet he is 
elected Governor. The mob in Albany has given us 
a bitter foretaste of possible anarchy. 

From the West we hear of schemes designed by the 
desperate and disaffected — conspiracies tending to 
fresh ruptures, and the final overthrow of the Repub- 
lic. Wicked men, even at the North, are beginning 
openly and shamelessly to dally with disunion, and 
propose, since dislocation has come into fashion, to 
multiply the fragments of our institutions. All this 
is terrible. We can better afford to lose fifty fights 
than thus to weaken the moralitv of our cause. We 
can better afford to submit to invasion, than thus to 
make disintegration familiar to our constituencies. 
We can better afford to let the Slaveholding soldiers 
bivouac in the capitol, than to be betrayed into nego- 
tiations which are full of danger, or to dally with 



342 CHAOS COME AGAIN. 

compromises which, with their adoption, must precip- 
itate us into unmitigated anarchy. 

Already we begin to hear of Western Confedera- 
cies, of New England Confederacies, of Middle States 
transmogrified into Middle Confederacies. Already 
we have hints of new and tempting combinations, 
aiming at safe and convenient boundaries, and the 
monopoly of internal navigation. Already the com- 
ing Congress casts its dark shadow before ; and busy 
as the devil always has been in Washington, a time 
is coming when he will redouble his activity in that 
uneasy seat of an endangered Government. Hitherto 
the restoration of the Union has been, with the mass 
of the people, a matter of sentiment ; but a time is at 
hand, which will not be in the least poetical, and 
when we must confront public danger hardened into 
the most vulgar concrete. 

Gentlemen who desire to be elected to Congress, 
not as patriots, but simply and nakedly as Anti-Re- 
publicans, or Anti-Government men, cannot be sup- 
posed to care much for the perpetuity of our institu- 
tions. They expect to fatten upon our national 
troubles. They are ghouls who will care little how 
cold the corpse may be, if, sooner or later, they may 
fairly get their teeth into it. They live, plot, plan, 
spout, intrigue, bargain, and scheme, solely for per- 
sonal aggrandizement. Their loyalty is limited by 
their own lives, and no thought of the weal or woe of 
posterity enters into their calculations. If, with the 
recognition of the Confederacy, these moral traitors 
could be banished, and with them their whole brood 



WHERE WILL THE NORTH BE? 343 

of venal voters — if we could send them to rest in the 
black bosoms of their Confederate friends — if the 
honor, worth, religion, intelligence, and wealth of the 
North could have but a fair chance of exercising 
their legitimate influence, we might consider with 
greater coolness the success of the Southern treason. 
But these men, after the accomplished dismember- 
ment, would remain — would still be with us, though 
not of us — would be then as they are now, and as 
they always have been, the ready agents of Slavery, 
and the paid pimps of the Slaveholding interest. 

Establish a State upon the basis of Man-owning 
upon this continent, and the minds of Wood, Brooks, 
Seymour, and all that genus will gravitate towards it 
with all the force of a bad nature. Given these men 
in power, and the Northern Republic would be the 
bought, if not the born, thrall of the Davis Dynasty, 
ready in Cabinet and Congress to do its dirty and 
demoniac work — ready to catch its runaways — ready 
to wink at the revival of the African Slave trade — 
ready to join an alliance against the moral sense of 
mankind — ready to promote the Secession of the 
West from the East — ready for war upon JSTew Eng- 
land — ready to make our poor shadow of a Govern- 
ment at Washington as much the tool of the South- 
ern Confederacy as ever the Cabinet of Charles II. 
was the tool of the French monarch. Political chaf- 
fer ers in the sacred name of Democracy would sell 
themselves first, and next their neighbors. There 
would be for us no permanence, no prosperity, no 
private happiness, and no public greatness. 



344 BAD NEIGHBORS. 

It may be said tliat we exaggerate tlie danger. 
We do not think so. For the political power of the 
Confederacy would be in the hands of a few men, 
who have been educated to detest the Union, and 
who would be ill satisfied with that partial success 
which left even a respectable fragment of the old Re- 
public yet entire. Once fairly separated, they would 
begin to feel wants, the existence of which they do 
not now admit, and they would be only too ready to 
avail themselves of those commercial abilities which 
they have heretofore affected to despise. The great 
serpent of Slavery would reverse its trail, and look 
with longing eyes towards a North left at its mercy 
by the dissensions and disaffection of its own chil- 
dren. Our social freedom would be a perpetual ag- 
gravation of the bad temper and jealousy which are 
the inseparable adjuncts of Slaveholding. If we were 
prosperous, our prosperity would be a continual re- 
buke of that sin which has been called " the sum of 
all villainies ;" and if we were hopelessly weakened 
by the dismemberment, our cities and our farms 
would be the cheap prey of every mad partisan who 
chose to promote a raid. 

Nor should we be without a hatred of Slavery, in- 
tensified by the woes of which it had been the fruit- 
ful mother ; and any effort to check or to silence the 
expression of that sentiment would but complicate 
the public dilemma. "We should still have Pro-Slav- 
ery governors, Pro-Slavery senators, Pro-Slavery 
presidents, and Pro-Slavery representatives ; and the 
very existence of a determined and uncompromising 



A DOUGHFACE DESCRIBED. 345 

opposition would drive them into disgraceful diplo- 
macies and intrigues, not to be thought of without 
horror ! If we speak sharply, we beg the reader to 
believe that we speak sincerely. We have not, nor 
will we pretend to have, any confidence in the public 
virtue of that hungry place-hunter who prates of the 
wrongs of the South, and of the sins of the North — 
who has fine words for the Richmond regime, and 
foul words for his own constitutional rulers — who 
would restore the Union by muzzling discussion, and 
by a declaration of the sanctity of Involuntary Servi- 
tude, with all the solemnities of an act of public faith 
—who feels it to be a duty to apologize for his own 
loyalty and for the treason of the public enemy — 
who is half this and half that, and not wholly, body, 
soul and spirit, the honest and unquestioning devotee 
of the Constitution and the Laws — who wastes that 
indignation upon the foes of Slavery which he should 
naturally bestow upon its friends — who is utterly 
without pity for the poor and defenceless, as he is 
ignorant of that simple law which makes the pros- 
perity of the employer dependent upon his justice — 
who is, in short, a creature of shams and subterfuges, 
and participates in public affairs without one en- 
nobling sentiment, or one benevolent aspiration. 
"Why should this poor hybrid, half monarchist and 
half Democrat, pretend to any reverence for human 
rights, or be at all coy about selling others, since he 
is so ready to sell himself? Let us see to it, that the 
triumph of the Secessionists does not open for him a 
market. 

January 23, 18G3. 15* 



34:6 HEAR YE! 

DAVIS TO MANKIND. 

Appeals to posterity are very cheap, because what- 
ever may be posterity's decision, it can not disturb 
the repose of appellants who are snugly slumbering 
in their coffins. Appeals to mankind, excellent as 
they are, for rounding a speech, or for filling up the 
moral hiatus of a pronunciamento, are seldom more 
than specimens of pretty rhetoric. Mr. Davis being 
in a lofty passion at the Emancipation Edict, appeals 
to the civilized world, and " to the instincts of that 
common humanity which a beneficent Creator has 
implanted in the breasts of our fellow-men of all 
countries, to pass judgment on a measure by which 
several millions of human beings of an inferior race — 
peaceful and contented laborers in their sphere — are 
doomed to extermination, while at the same time 
they are encouraged to a general assassination of 
their masters." 

It is astonishing to mark how exceedingly fraternal 
this Confederate Champion has become in his serene 
mind — in what an affectionate manner he opens his 
arms and begs to be embraced, and with what tender- 
ness he preaches to this great globe of " the instincts 
of our common humanity." This might be justly 
regarded as a rouser of the humanity, common and 
uncommon, of our Common Humanity, did we not 
know, that the selfishness of man, and particularly of 
man enthroned, is usually quite too much for his self- 
abnegation. Humanity, as Squire Davis ought to 
know, is most warmly interested in frying its own 



TWO VOICES. 347 

fish. Humanity in far-off regions toward which the 
Confederate ruler is so amorously looking, across the 
broad Atlantic, is not without its own complications 
and embarrassments, its questions of bread and but- 
ter and bullion, its privileged classes to be coddled, 
and its pauper classes to be crushed, its dying oligar- 
chies and awakening masses, its certain demands and 
its uncertain supplies. 

Humanity, as such, does not care to be appealed 
to, and it particularly dislikes, in all diplomatic con- 
ferences, anything like a whine. Davis should know 
better than to suppose that he can gain any consid- 
eration abroad by a studied display of the Confederate 
ulcers. Foreign cabinets will not assist him any the 
sooner because he protests, though never so patheti- 
cally, that he is in instant danger of having his throat 
cut, his crops destroyed and his house burned over 
his ill-fated head. Of this indeed, the Confederate 
Sachem has a shrewd suspicion. He is therefore like 
Orator Puff, and has two tones to his voice — the 
"B alt." of appeal and the " G below" of defiance. 
If he whines, we must do him the justice to say that 
he also roars. The Confederacy wants everything, and 
it wants nothing. The " nigger" loves Davis dearly 
and will slaughter him upon the first opportunity. 
The Slave, who is so "peaceful and contented" 
to-day, is to be transformed into a homicidal devil 
to-morrow, through the mysterious influence of a bit 
of printed paper, six inches long by two broad, which 
to save his life, he cannot read ! The careful hands 
which smooth Mr, Davis's virtuous sheets in the 



34:8 SECESSION LOGIC. 

evening, will be at his wind-pipe before he can rise 
to his morning prayers. In short Mr. Davis is very 
much alarmed and not in the least frightened — in 
great peril, but never so safe before in his life — 
highly suspicious of Sambo, in whose fidelity he has 
the highest confidence ! No doubt he is in a dread- 
ful quandary — but why should he advertise it to 
mankind ? 

A man in a situation so highly uncomfortable may 
properly be pardoned though his logic limps a little. 
If the Black be a compendium of the Seven Cardinal 
Virtues, tender, affectionate, peaceful, and con- 
tented — what is there in the Proclamation by which 
he is " doomed to extermination ?" Who is to be the 
exterminator ? The master beloved ! Who is to be 
exterminated ? The affectionate, peaceful and con- 
tented slave ! Surely this is a most inscrutable con- 
catenation. The world may not be prepared, as J. 
D. supposes, to abandon its humane instincts, but 
still less will it be prepared to abandon its common 
sense or to bestow its admiration upon a statesman 
who gravely informs it, with tears gushing in rivulets 
from his swollen eyes, that in order to maintain the 
State he anticipates the necessity of putting to the 
sword, of " exterminating," " several millions of 
peaceful and contented human beings," in order to 
prevent this peace and content from developing itself 
in " a general assassination of their masters." With 
all due respect to his Excellency's intellectuals, we 
must say that he seems to have a weak preference for 
the circular style of reasoning. 



WHA T SLA VEB Y IS. 349 

In another way this titular President makes quite 
as deplorable a show of fatuitous sagacity. He takes 
it for granted that mankind does not know what 
Human Slavery is. He supposes that man just now 
emerging from the darkness of social degradation, 
has lost all recollection of the pangs inflicted by his 
oppressors ; that those who are only now casting off 
the manacles of the Middle Ages, are to be cozened 
into the belief that involuntary servitude is the most 
blessed of human conditions. Davis should remem- 
ber that he is asking the statesmen of Europe to 
acknowledge as excellent in America, a social policy 
which they are fast abandoning at home ; and that 
the enfranchised of the old lands comprehend well 
enough what Slavery must be in the United States. 
Human nature will have something to do with that 
common humanity, to which Davis officially tenders 
the assurance of his most respectful consideration. 

There is no man in Europe who is so ignorant as 
not to know that Slavery means unrequited toil, 
unrestrained cruelty, the despair of man and the 
degradation of woman. Whips speak a universal 
language as they fall upon the bare and blistering 
back ; all ears understand that their hiss is hellish, 
and that the mystic characters which they write 
upon the cracking and furrow'ed skin do not hide 
any new gospel of ineffable tenderness. Common 
humanity has a common cuticle and refuses to com- 
prehend the delights of flagellation. Common hu- 
manity instinctively shrinks from a forced concu- 
binage, from the sunderings of marital ties, from the 



350 MERCHANTABLE MESSAGE. 

paternity which, sells its own children, from a system 
of labor which is pitiless in its demands and worse 
than niggardly in its rewards. Common humanity 
is not so utterly besotted as to find virtue in unre- 
strained violence and beauty in systematic brutality. 
Common humanity has its instincts, and of these 
Davis should have said as little as possible. What 
had he to do with humanity at all ? Why should he 
take the trouble of reminding mankind that there are, 
even in this hardhearted world, such things as sacred 
pity and eternal justice? Why transfer his assaults 
from the pockets of commerce to the heart of the 
human race ? Why talk of anything save cash and 
cotton ? Why not be contented with a good mer- 
chantable Message addressed not to the Man of Feel- 
ing, but to the Man of Trade — a Message bristling 
with figures to prove the profitableness of Man- 
Owning, and stiff with the fascinating statistics of 
well-requited wickedness ? 

The Confederacy should understand that it can 
have no recognition except upon contemptuous con- 
ditions, no good will which it does not buy, and no 
hearts which it does not bribe. Men will trade with 
it, and so they will trade with Hottentots. In 
respect of its Slaveholding, mankind will loath this 
new and hybrid republic ; but in respect of its cotton 
crop, it is supposed by the Richmond sages that 
mankind will be good-natured. We shall see. Man- 
kind may prefer a certainty of cotton supply. 
Mankind may not fancy the dubious product of 
unrequited and discontented labor. Mankind, or 



DOUGHFACERY EXTANT STILL. 351 

that portion of it which is devoted to the weaving of 
cotton cloth, may have prejudices in favor of a well- 
assured and steady production. 

January 24, 1863. 



UNION FOR THE UNION. 



Who could have thought that Northern Doughfaces 
had so much life in them ? — that they would survive 
the bombardment of Fort Sumter ? — that they would 
at last turn upon the Constitution, which they had 
professed to adore, and be ready to surrender the 
Union which they had pretended to reverence? 
Brooks & Co. are like Garrison, without Garrison's 
virtues and good conscience. We thought the Sen- 
ate chamber purged of plantation insolence, and the 
well-weaponed Saulsbury starts up to convince us of 
our mistake — Saulsbury the Disunionist. 

We can imagine some rebellions Abraham — the 
Patriarch of Slavery, as Yoltaire was the Patriarch 
of Infidelity — we see him reading his Northern news- 
paper, and grinniug gloriously over his grog, as he 
peruses the Pro-Slavery journal ! Nobody will mark 
more keenly than the Confederate observer, the op- 
position to the Administration which has been gath- 
ered by the concretion of all the dusty particles of a 
commercial self-interest. Why should n't he be chip- 
pery ? He has newspapers printed for him without 
cost to his own flaccid purse — he has Union Gover- 
nors plotting pretty things for his advantage — he has 



352 JOT TO THE CHATTELS. 

Northern clergymen tearing out the heart of both 
Testaments to offer it upon the altar of Involuntary 
Servitude — he has hordes of white slaves who do his 
voting, his mobbing, his fighting, and his philoso- 
phizing in the Free States, so called — he wins here, 
over the graves of our murdered soldiers, political 
victories which strengthen him more than fortresses 
or captured fields — why should he not be in the best 
possible humor ? 

ISTor can we think the merriment confined to the 
Master. Why should n't the Slave have his private 
jollity also ? He has been told over and over again, 
that he was incapable of self-government ; and why ? 
Why, but because he was black ! Because the wrong 
pigment colored his cuticle ! But we Northern men, 
we White men, we Caucasians of the pure red and white 
— excepting, as will sometimes happen, when w T e are 
yellow by reason of excessive bile — cannot we govern 
ourselves? 'Tis a mysterious matter. Our hair is 
straight, and yet we are in difficulties ! Our noses 
are prettily Grecian, or sublimely Roman — and yet 
we take care of ourselves but ill ! We have no blub- 
ber lips to demonstrate our political incapacity — and 
yet, what, in spite of sacred suffrage, have we come 
to ? We have shins of the most orthodox configura- 
tion — but what good do they do us ? Sambo may well 
think, what with our botherations, factions, anarchies, 
Congressional squabbles, petty discussions, free and 
fraternal fights, Democratic victories, and other pal- 
pable swindles, that, after all, a white skin will not do 
everything for its possessor ? 



THE WOULD 'S OPINION. 353 

Delays are proverbially dangerous; but delay in 
crushing the Rebellion, according to all human ex- 
perience, is peculiarly so. Sedition is like a great 
snow-ball — crescit eundo. Three or four victories 
would have made the Forty Thieves respectable 
members of society. In war, the virtuous, honest, 
amiable and admired party is that which wins the 
greatest battles ; and in this wicked world, while we 
still submit to the ordeal of arms, it will be thought, 
until we become better Christians, that Providence 
is on the side of the best bayonets. The Confederates 
have an advantage over us which only decided defeat 
can take away from them — they have actually held 
out against us for many more months than anybody, 
when the war began, anticipated. The world accepts 
the fact, and troubles its head little enough about the 
" why " and - ■ wherefore." We may manufacture 
small excuses for our present consolation, but they 
will be of no value to anybody but the owners. 
It is only the plain practical fact which, in public 
affairs, stamps itself upon policy and opinion. The 
cabinets of the world will not stop to inquire which 
side, in this war, has the majority of cardinal virtues, 
or which is the patriotic party ; why should they ? 
When was it resolved by nations, that right should 
be dominant in all negotiations? Why, if ever a 
people had plain, pure, abstract, naked justice upon 
their side, we are that people. There isn't a mo- 
rality, however trite 5 or however rare, that does not 
attach to our cause. We have with us truth, justice, 
honor ; but, alas ! these do not prevent us from cut- 



354 THE STRENGTH OF THE REBELLION. 

ting a very shabby figure in Paris or London when 
the news is against us. The Rebels have lied, stolen, 
perjured themselves, and have tens of thousands of 
murders to answer for, but bustling men of the 
Bourse, and the Bulls and Bears of the London 
Stock Exchange, have had dealings with desperate 
scamps before, and have made no end of money out 
of them. It is enough for the nonce, that the rogues 
are up and the honest men down in the world. 

Union is strength. The remark is a simple one, 
nor is it brilliantly novel ; but we venture to make it 
once more. That the Rebels are united, we do not 
venture to say ; but they are strong in an oligarchy, 
the members of which are always ready, in times of 
public danger, to postpone personal differences. They 
are in earnest. If a man within their jurisdiction 
votes against them, they imprison him. If he is per- 
tinacious, they hang him. If a woman exhibits signs 
of dissatisfaction, it is n't her sex that can save her 
from outrage. What they want they take — men, 
money, munitions, supplies — wherever they find 
them. Whoever is bold enough to imply, even by 
silence, his dissatisfaction, does so at his personal 
peril. For him the tar-pot seethes and the rope is 
already twisted. The masses submit to tyrannies 
which the mob of Paris would not endure for a day ; 
and the Slave Power, when it ruled the Union, exer- 
cised a sway less imperious than it has now assumed. 

No one, however hearty may be his detestation of 
despotism, can deny that it is sometimes terribly 
effective. Tyrants are successful and strong, because 



A MAJOR-GENERAL'S VIEW. 355 

they do their bad work well, and punish words 
and thoughts as lighter-handed rulers punish deeds. 
Against the usurpations of a handful of Slaveholders, 
who are simply formidable for their energetic au- 
dacity, we have to oppose a Democracy which is 
restive under the slightest restraint, and will not bear 
the least check upon public opinion. 

But, if properly employed, this secures to us cor- 
responding advantages. This was sufficiently evident 
upon the breaking out of the war, when there was a 
race of giving and a competition of munificence — 
when designing men had not begun to calculate the 
advantages of a dishonorable peace — when, by com- 
mon consent, political differences were put in abey- 
ance. Let us recall the spirit of those proud and 
memorable days, and that, too, speedily ! There is no 
time to be wasted. " Now, or never !" should be 
written upon* every loyal banner ! We want Union, 
Energy, and Action, and w^e want them Now. Shall 
we have them ?" 

February 3, 1863. 



THE NECESSITY OF SEKVILITY. 

Oke of our Major-Generals recently remarked that 
"no nation can be great which does not have a 
servile class." There is a fine fragrance of the camp 
about this neat bit of solemn loquacity. It could 
have come only from one who believes that the whole 
duty of man consists either in drilling or in being 



356 GREATNESS AND RASCALITY. 

drilled. The philosophical warrior who emitted, 
should certainly have enlarged, this observation. He 
should have said, " No nation can be great without 
wars of aggression and conquest- — without a rapacious 
aristocracy and down-trodden, popular mass — with- 
out an enormous public debt and proportionate tax- 
ation — without an Autocrat at the head of affairs." 

After this, Pro-Slavery reasoning would have been 
as easy as any other style of falsehood. Rome was 
great — Rome submitted to a Dictator — therefore all 
nations desiring to be great, must establish a Dictator- 
ship, raising to that dignity some successful soldier. 
Greece was great — but then all her slaves were 
white — therefore no nation can be great without 
white slaves. Imperial France was great, but it was 
by theft — therefore no nation can be great without 
stealing territory. That is why Prussian Frederick 
is called Great — because he stole Silesia. Alexander 
frequently was carried to bed much intoxicated — 
therefore he was styled the Great — "Drinker," we 
suppose, being understood. Jonathan Wild was 
dubbed the Great by Fielding — why remind our 
readers that the novelist meant " The Great Thief?" 
It is, we repeat, a pity that our General, who believes 
Greatness and Rascality to be convertible terms, did 
not expatiate a little upon his discovery. For our 
own part we have thought, fondly, we suppose, that 
the kind of greatness to which he alludes, and which 
can only be secured by systematic cruelty and the 
oppression of man had, in this nineteenth century, 
gone pretty much out of fashion. 



HIS MAJESTY OF DAHOMEY 357 

Some of the clearest thinkers of the present age, 
if we have read aright, haye supposed — was it after 
all, nothing but supposition ? — that we had passed, 
or at least were rapidly passing, from feudalism to 
freedom, that Christianity was beginning to consum- 
mate its victory over heathenism ; that the century 
had brought with it clearer views of social science ; 
that honest rulers, if they must be great, now 
endeavor to be so, without ignoring natural right. 
The world has had ages of human slavery and they 
have been ages of sanguinary and unsatisfactory 
experience — have all these speculators been mis- 
taken who have foretold better things in store for 
this "groaning globe?" Must we ape the vices of 
the past before we can copy its achievements ? Must 
we ignore all the advantages which discovery and 
invention have brought to us, and seek for national 
greatness only in the resuscitation of bygone reali- 
ties? Would we, if we could, make the United 
States, but a poor copy of Assyria, Greece, Rome, 
Carthage ? 

" O agony — that centuries should reap 
ISTo mellower harvest." 

Greatness ! — why there is n't a greater potentate 
in all Africa, than the King of Dahomey ! In the 
midst of his butcheries, wading ankle deep in human 
blood, building his pyramid of human skulls, he is 
feared by surrounding tribes, and positively adored 
by his own! Nations calling themselves civilized, 
can be great in the same way — that is, if they please 



358 ANCIENT PRECEDENTS. 

to relapse into savagery, there is a backward path for 
them, as there is for individuals — and so they may 
discard refined apparel for nose-rings, war-paint and 
nakedness — they may pull down what reporters call 
"palatial residences" and live in wigwams without 
chimneys and without windows — they may be con- 
tent with subsisting upon the uncertain supplies of 
the chase. 

Brigham Young has nine wives or ninety, we 
forget which ; and very much is he censured for an 
impropriety which, some will think, must carry with 
it its own punishment. But this may with perfect 
truth be said for the Polygamous Prince of Utah — 
that he has the ancients upon his side. In compari- 
son with Solomon, President Young is a model of 
moderation, and in plurality of ribs, he is unques- 
tionably far below Darius, Xerxes, or the Grand 
Turk. Was n't Persia a great nation ? All polyg- 
amy, sir? Was n't Mahomet a great conqueror? 
Look at his ten wives, sir ! to say nothing of his 
mistresses, sir! Pray, if our Pro-Slavery sages may 
argue in their way from the past, in support of their 
favorite wickedness, why should n't poor Mr. Young 
be allowed a similar logic? It does not seem to 
occur to the philosophical doughfaces that there may 
be danger in their passion for other histories of for- 
getting our own. 

Admitting that all great nations have heretofore 
been cursed by a servile class, it is certainly as true 
that our Revolutionary Fathers aimed at the estab- 
lishment of a Republic which should rival antique 



THE PURPOSE OF THE FATHERS. 359 

greatness without recourse to antique crimes. They 
did not profess to aim at a revival of Grecian or 
.Roman characteristics. They knew, for they were men 
of culture, quite as well as the sciolists of the present 
know, that Involuntary Servitude existed in Greece 
and Rome ; but it would be difficult and probably 
impossible to find in any act of their hands, or in any 
word of their mouths, the evidence that they sought 
for national greatness through the enslavement of 
their fellow-creatures. The whole current of testi- 
mony runs in the other direction. 

The feeling of the founders of the Republic made 
no distinction between black and white. The 
debates in the Congress, the known opinions of Jef- 
ferson, of Franklin, and of other leading spirits of 
the Revolution, and the weight of tradition, all prove 
this to a certainty. They did not pretend to estab- 
lish institutions which should merely equal those 
of the past. Their honorable and humane ambition 
was to present to the world an ameliorating discovery 
in political science — that of the equality of all men. If 
they had been absolutely faithful, in spite of tempta- 
tion, to the great idea which animated their career ; 
if they had valiantly stood by the truth in practice, 
as they did by the truth in theory, from what sor- 
rows and crimes and bitter experiences would they 
not have saved their children ? It is for us to finish 
the work of the Fathers ! It is for us to accept their 
teachings and to transmute them into the fine gold 
of a truly Christian polity ! As we are wiser than 
the men of the Middle Ages, let us prove that ten 



360 VER-HASTY GONGL USIONS. 

centuries of hard experience have not been thrown 
away upon the race ! 

February 4, 1863. 



WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THEM? 

Nothing could be more ridiculous and insignificant 
than many of the reports which have been forwarded 
to the North, respecting the character and demeanor 
of the emancipated Slaves. It has been our misfor- 
tune, in too many cases, to find this information mis- 
erably deficient in liberality, intelligence, and sym- 
pathy. A corporal trusts his shirts with a sable 
laundress, who receives three of these garments and 
returns two, and those perhaps aggravatingly bereft 
of buttons, whereupon this indignant brave writes 
home to the village newspaper, that the contrabands, 
to an individual, are all thieves. A sturdy black, 
despairing of remunerative meal or money, declines 
to dig, at least assiduously, and we are treated to the 
deep deduction, sometimes by electric telegraph, that, 
without the lash, all negroes are lazy. 

Some venerable Sambo, in confidence, imparts to 
a gaping letter- writer the fact, that he wishes to go 
back to his master, and we have leading columns oc- 
cupied by delighted editors, who conclude from this 
wonderful premise that all other Sambos wish to go 
back to their masters also. Hard upon this follows 
another conclusion, namely, that upon being imme- 
diately restored to the bosom of Abraham, this curi- 



EMBARRASSMENTS OF EMANCIPATION-. 361 

ous descendant of accursed Canaan, unless properly 
flogged, will experience an inexplicable revulsion of 
feeling, will murder his master and fire his master's 
house. It appears to us astonishing, that the Civil 
War, which is not only such a sombre but such a 
serious business, and which demands of the best mind 
of the nation such careful and practical judgment, 
should have led to no wiser reflection. We have had 
all this before. For a quarter of a century we have 
been compelled to listen to the same bold assertion 
and to the same inconsequential reasoning — the same 
dogged denial of the fitness of the slave for freedom, 
and of the policy of doing him common justice. The 
pertinacious assumption of his incapacity for social 
liberty has been the stock-in-trade of the Man-Owner 
and of his sufficiently servile apologist, until Heaven 
is sick and earth weary of hollow words and ingen- 
ious subterfuges. 

For our own part, as we have been found among 
those who believe Emancipation to be not only right, 
but safe, we beg leave to say, that we have never sup- 
posed that the liberation of so many human beings, 
heretofore irresponsible, would be without some em- 
barrassments. It is Freedom that fits men for Free- 
dom, be the man black, white, or yellow, just as the 
athlete grows sturdy by the exercise of his profession. 
The crime of Slavery has been, that it has found, in 
the incapacity of its victims, an argument for the con- 
tinuation of its emasculating influences, and has con- 
tinually pointed to the ruin it has wrought, as an 
apology for postponing reparation. In elevating 

16 



362 (HYE THE BLACK A CHANCE. 

masses of men, there must be, as in every other hu- 
man enterprise, a beginning; and it has been just 
this costly step which we have been afraid to take. 

Emancipation has been opposed particularly by 
dough-faces, not because it would diminish crops or 
endanger human life and public order, but because it 
was felt that its inevitable effect would be to raise 
the Black to something like social equality with the 
White. The fear has been, not that the Freedman 
would be idle, but that he would be industrious ; not 
that he would become still more degraded, but that 
he might become tolerably enlightened ; not that he 
would prove unworthy of the experiment and of the 
confidence impliedly reposed in him, but that he 
would, by his development of good character, give 
the lie to his libellers. Men who have spent their 
lives and their best intellectual energies in proving 
the inferiority of the African race, cannot be expect- 
ed to regard a practical refutation of their notions 
with equanimity. The Freedman can do them no 
greater disservice than to exhibit the good qualities 
of which they asserted he was incapable. It is petty 
vanity which refuses to give emancipated man a 
chance. ]STobody in his senses has supposed that the 
Black race would emerge instantly from a degrada- 
tion continued for two centuries. JSTobody has ex- 
pected to find the Freedman altogether beautiful in. 
all parts of his character — a model of possible excel- 
lence, a miracle of virtue, a wonder of wit, a paragon 
of prudence, and a marvel of industry. 

In him who was yesterday a slave, we should ex- 



PATIENCE DEMANDED. 363 

pect to find the vices of a slave — the traces of that 
falsehood which heretofore has been his sole protec- 
tion against cruelty — of that thievishness which may 
have saved him from the pangs of hunger and guarded 
him from the inclemency of the elements — of that in- 
subordination of the animal passions which his supe- 
riors in society have encouraged for their own profit 
and by their own example — of that unthrift which 
has been strengthened by a whole life of jealous guar- 
dianship and of restraint in its pettiest forms. We 
might as well expect to find in new-born babes the 
fullest muscular development, as in the captive just 
unchained all the excellencies of human nature. 

Emancipation will not remove the scars which 
Slavery has inflicted. There is many a brow from 
which the brand can never be erased, and many a 
feature distorted by involuntary servitude which can 
never recover its rounded and comely proportions. 
So much the greater is our crime ! So much the 
deeper should be our shame ! So much sooner should 
we, with all the courage of a genuine repentance, 
dock this entail of human misery, and at least turn 
the faces of future generations toward kindlier oppor- 
tunities and less discouraging vicissitudes ! 

The character of the African as it now is, or as it 
is supposed to be, proves nothing for or against his 
future well-doing. It is easy to say of a man whose 
lungs are full of carbonic acid gas, that he can never 
breathe atmospheric air again ; but most medical 
men would favor the opening of the windows. It 
is n't only the African who succumbs to an unnatural 



364 DEGRADATION OF WHITES. 

position, and through systematic disuse loses his 
moral and many of his physical faculties. Yery 
white men have exhibited no greater capacity for 
resisting the degrading influences of bondage. Mr. 
Dupuis, who was long the British Yice-Consul at 
Mogadore, tells us that the Europeans and Americans 
who were rescued from enslavement in the desert, 
were found to have their spirits completely broken 
by their masters. When they came into Mogadore, 
he says, " They appeared degraded, and below the 
negro slave — every spring of hope or exertion was 
destroyed in their minds — they were abject, servile, 
and brutified." 

This is said by a white observer of white men just 
emancipated — we believe that no Pro-Slavery scrib- 
bler has said anything worse of the liberated black 
man. The gist of the matter is just this : if we 
should take Gov. Seymour, for instance — we take 
him as at present the leading white man of New 
York — if we should put him upon a year-long course 
of short rations and sharp floggings, and heavy task- 
work, the presumption is that he would not come out 
from his disciplinary probation that choice combina- 
tion of excellent qualities, that epitome of grace and 
greatness, that abridgment of all that is pleasant in 
man, that ornament and safeguard of the community, 
which the majority now thankfully acknowledge him 
to be. 

If a Tammany brawler, in some unfortunate hour, 
should be compelled to change his beloved bar-room 
for a barracoon, to go from gluttony to starvation, 



THE EXPERIMENT INEVITABLE. 365 

and, instead of flogging others, to submit himself to 
the lash, he would deem it unfair if his friends, upon 
his return, should think the fine gold of his nature 
grown dim. He would ask time for a due course of 
recuperative cocktails, and the reviving influences of 
a few fights, before final judgment against him as a 
man shamefully destitute of an immoral character. 
We ask for the black man only time and opportunity, 
and he will have them whatever may be the mind of 
the public. Maugre the disgust of the delicate, the 
mortification of the skin-proud, the wrath of the selfish, 
the profane protests of the ungodly, and the carefully- 
selected texts of the overgodly, the freedman must 
have his chance upon this continent, or worse will 
come of it. Those who think that our safety lies in 
beastializing more and more completely four millions 
of the inhabitants of this country, if it were possible 
to reduce their barbarous theory to practice, would 
but earn the execrations of their children. But, thank 
God, it is not possible. Providence is sometimes 
kind enough to put special restraints upon human 
folly, and the people of the United States, having 
reduced the theory of Slaveholding to an absurdity, 
will hardly cling to it at the cost of bloodshed and 
bankruptcy. 

February 5, 1883. 



366 FRANKLIN ON ENGLISH POLICY. 

POCKET MORALITY — WAR FOR TRADE. 

In the year, 1787, Benjamin Franklin wrote to an 
English gentle man as follows : "I read with pleas- 
ure the account you give of the flourishing state of 
your commerce and manufactures, and of the plenty 
you have of resources to carry the nation through 
all its difficulties. You have one of the finest coun- 
tries in the world ; and if you can be cured of the 
folly of making war for trade, in which war more 
has been expended than the profits of any trade can 
compensate, you may make it one of the happiest." 
This advice, we suppose, would be quite thrown away 
upon a newspaper irrevocably wedded to the system 
here so pointedly condemned. 

The London Times accepts the well-known aphor- 
ism of Franklin with a qualification — it thinks there 
never was a good war if it was unprofitable, and 
never a bad peace if it added to the British wealth. 
Such a publication should be treated with all possi- 
ble candor. If its principle be to have no principle, 
and if it would quite as severely scorn to affect a 
virtue as to possess one, let it at least aspire to the 
praise of a sublime consistency. If it must serve 
mammon, let us be thankful that it does not pre- 
tend to serve God ! If it must ignore consistency, 
it should have the credit of a frank advertisement 
of its renunciation. What it thinks upon the first 
of January it thinks for the first of January, and by 
no means for the second. Its avowed business is not 
to speak the truth, but to " bull ?? this stock and to 



BE GU STILUS. 367 

" bear ' that. This being understood, why should 
we be angry with it ? All that can be said of it is, 
that it follows its instincts, and that its instincts are 
commercial. It does a wholesale business in a retail 
way. Who blames it ? Who blames the Calniucks 
for eating raw horse-meat ? Who blames the canni- 
bal of Sumatra for eating cooked man-meat ? — not 
because he likes it — for he is very careful to tell the 
traveler that he does not like it — he only devours it 
as a religious duty — only that he may propitiate the 
god of war by masticating, swallowing and digest- 
ing the slain. He does not quarrel with the flavor 
of the tid-bits, from the deglutition of which he an- 
ticipates such immense advantages. It is in the 
same bold and devoted way that this Times news- 
paper swallows Slavery on Monday, rejects it on 
Tuesday, and swallows it again on Wednesday, rel- 
ishing the morsels well or ill, according to the fluc- 
tuations of the cotton market. Yesterday it pro- 
nounced human slavery to be a Divine Institution, 
and quoted St. Paul out of its borrowed Bible ; to- 
day it declares that it " would unfeignedly rejoice " 
if the Emancipation Proclamation could only be 
effectual ! What will it say to-morrow ? Exactly 
what it may think the interests of trade demand. 
" Joey B. is sharp, sir ! devilish sharp !" 
It would ill become us, members as we are of a 
great commercial community, to speak disrespect- 
fully of mercantile prudence and sagacity. We 
yield to no one in oar most respectful estimate of 
the ameliorating influences of trade in promoting 



368 ENGLISH CONTEMPT FOR POVERTY. 

the comfort and even the higher morality of man. 
We know enough of monetary operations to under- 
stand that they can only be successfully promoted by 
forethought, caution and deliberate prudence. We 
are ready to make all proper allowances for the 
instinct of self-preservation when it is shrinking 
from insolvency. We believe money to be a good 
thing, and that it is a good thing to have money. 
We believe that society has no member more worthy 
of its respect than the high-minded merchant, who, 
without casting discredit upon trade by unscrupu- 
lous rapacity, increases our sources of happiness, 
brings capital to the assistance of civilization, and 
supplies that material aid without which the pro- 
gress of mankind would cease. 

But all our respect for the honorable and enlight- 
ened trader, cannot conceal from us those moral perils 
which environ him. Indeed, in every scheme of re- 
ligion they are admitted ; and the most solemn warn- 
ing against absolute devotion to money-getting came 
from the Founder of our Faith, and has since his time 
been repeated in countless bodies of divinity, and 
uttered from ten thousand pulpits. Money can do 
much and buy much, but there are some things 
which it cannot do and others which it cannot pur- 
chase. We may admit it to be the sinews of war, 
but is it the heart or the muscles ? In England, we 
think, very unfortunately, the tendency has been to- 
ward a worship of wealth simply as such, and a con- 
tempt, not, perhaps, for personal, but certainly for 
national poverty. "He's so very poor," says one per- 



SHORT-SIGHTED RAPACITY. 369 

son to another in an English comedy, " that you would 
take him for an inhabitant of Italy." This is the per- 
fection of purse-proud complacency. De Tocqueville 
observes, that " in the eyes of England her enemies 
must be rogues and her friends great men." It is 
this association of arrogance and acquisitiveness 
which has given to England a bad public reputation. 
" When she seems," says De Tocqueville, " to care 
for foreign nations, she cares only for herself." A 
man who acquires a character like this will find 
money powerless to purchase public respect ; he may 
be feared, but he will also be detested ; nor do we 
believe that there is one rule for nations and another 
for individuals. 

Finally, in the spirit of Franklin's observation that 
the rapacity of England has usually cost more than 
it came to, we beg leave to suggest that an unjust 
and selfish policy is equally short-sighted. Have 
British economists been able to determine that the 
establishment of the Confederacy would promote the 
manufacturing interests of their country ? Have they 
in their calculations recognized the intense prejudice 
against England which exists in the Slaveholding 
States ? Have they estimated the chances of a cer- 
tain production of the coveted staple, if the present 
system of slave-cultivation is to be continued ? Have 
they considered the difficulties which they may en- 
counter in maintaining amiable relations with the 
unreasonable and impetuous oligarchy which now 
controls, and, in the event of their independence, 
will continue to control, the revolted States ? 
16* 



370 THE RECALL OF M C GLELLAN. 

These, it seems to us, are questions which even 
selfishness can afford to consider. 

February 6, 1863. 



WAITING FOR A PARTNER. 

An eminent journal, printed in a neighboring city, 
the managers of which care more for their own 
crotchets than for the country, has promulgated a 
patent labor-saying method of saving the Union, to 
which we extend the benefit of this advertisement. 

Imprimis, Gen. Geo. B. McCiellan, at present 
upon a tour of exhibition in the principal cities, is to 
be restored to all his honors, dignities and com- 
mands. 

We object to this, though not very strenuously, 
because Gen. McCiellan having received a great 
many houses and horses, the donations of tender- 
hearted friends, we think that he should be permitted 
to stay at home to reside in the first and to drive the 
second. Otherwise the intentions of the charitable 
bestowers of roof-trees and free rides may be entirely 
defeated. At any rate, if the General is to go back, 
we think that he should reconvey to the donors the 
houses and horses and shawls, as having been given 
by mistake. 

Secondly, Gen. McCiellan is to be furnished with 
u a fresh body of troops." 

We object to this, because from what we know of 
Gen. McCiellan, we believe that he would prefer 



A JACK AT A PINCH. 371 

veterans to raw recruits. We believe that he is con- 
sidered to be perfectly immense in drill, but we 
cannot in conscience ask him to repeat those gigantic 
labors from which he is resting amid the enchant- 
ments of numerous donation parties. 

Thirdly, Gen. McClellan, with his " free body of 
troops/' is to " maintain the forms of Government 
until the opportunity occurs to elect another Admin- 
istration." 

We object to this, because it is n't complimentary 
to Gen. McClellan, who seems to be the best entitled 
to compliments of any man in the United States. It 
does n't look very friendly for his professed friends 
to propose him for a mere locum tenens, a post, a peg, 
a stalking horse. And it is certainly alarming to 
consider that we can now do no more than merely 
" maintain the forms of Government." Pray what is 
the enemy to be doing all those fine months ? Main- 
taining the forms of his government, we suppose, 
by assaulting, worrying, surprising, harassing and 
hunting the " fresh body of troops" which, meanwhile, 
will display a masterly inactivity, except when com- 
pelled to " mizzle." 

Fourthly, Nothing is to be done until we have " a 
new Administration." 

Of the Democratic stripe of course ! And what, 
pray, is to be done then? Is the fighting to be 
resumed % Then why not fight now ? Or is the new 
Administration to be of the diplomatic, assuaging, 
persuading, intriguing, compromising, palavering, 
protocoling and rose-water variety ? More bargains, 



372 PROOF AGAINST COAXING. 

propositions, conferences, communions, conventions, 
speechmaking, enacting, and Heaven knows what 
beside ? And is Gen. McClellan expected to shine in 
these grand palavers ? Is that the reason why, with 
his war-paint off, this chieftain has been perambulat- 
ing the country ! Practising the Art of Speaking — 
eh? Are epaulettes and buttons to yield to the 
peace-of-the-toga ? Was it for such reason that the 
General was presented with two coach horses instead 
of one charger ? — with a carriage instead of a saddle ? 

We are sorry that the gentlemen who propose this 
notable plan of restoring the Union, should forget 
that its success would prove their Secession cronies 
to be liars of the first magnitude. Davis et al. are 
certainly committed fairly enough upon the record 
against a reference — they have said distinctly enough, 
a thousand times in all manner of State papers and 
newspapers, that come back they would not and could 
not, unless compelled to come back by force of arms. 
And yet by this scheme we are to proffer them new 
chances of returning to loyalty — for the scheme can 
only mean that, or letting them go in peace. 

The talk about " fresh troops" is literally insulting 
to the gallant fellows now in the field ; is only a 
blind. For who supposes that a National Adminis- 
tration of the Horatio Seymour tint would fight? 
Who would expect them to display any extraordinary 
vigor in the field or to maintain the Constitution 
there with any tenacity ? Nobody in his right mind. 
A Democratic Administration — we say it without 
fear of contradiction — would be a Peace-at-any-price 



THE EBBING SISTERS. 373 

Administration. Nothing better than semi-treason 
would be expected of it ; nothing better than hag- 
gling, patching and most disreputable bargaining. 
" Erring Sisters, depart in peace !" would be its 
legend. If the people choose to trust Brooks, Sey- 
mour, the Woods and men of like kidney with the 
adjustment of national differences, why the people 
are omnipotent and can do that in haste which they 
will bitterly rue at leisure. If the army be in the 
least demoralized and the progress of the war at all 
suspended, the fault lies at the door of the Demo- 
cratic party. If it has done so much mischief out of 
office, of what will it not be capable in power ? Wise 
and honest men, true lovers of the Union, would look 
with fear, trembling, distrust and disgust upon any 
postponement of the assertion, sharp, vigorous and 
offensive, of the sanctity of the laws, until after the 
coming election. We think that to save the whole 
country from the anarchy which now distracts so 
great a part of it, we need prompt, muscular and 
decisive action, military and naval; and that any 
attempt to carry the question of Peace or War into 
a Presidential election, might result in schemes of 
demagogy and in scenes of bloodshed frightful to 
anticipate. 

We say nothing of any delays occasioned by 
military necessity ; but we do say that any other is 
abominably cruel. The Emancipation Policy which, 
after all, is what these schemers hate, rests upon the 
plighted faith of this Government, and any attempt 
to evade it, will be followed by national miseries 



374 LIVERIED INSOLENCE. 

which will be all the harder to bear because they will 
be so richly deserved. 

February 12, 1863. 



AT HOME AND ABROAD. 



The style of The London Times, in its observations 
upon the President's Proclamation, is simply one of 
fussy impertinence. It is certain that, in private life, 
any vulgarian assuming similar airs, would be either 
laughed at or kicked out of the company. Men 
would not endure, probably, to be told, by a dog- 
matic and testy companion, that they lied, that they 
were hypocrites, that they were devising fraud, that 
they were attempting a disreputable swindle. Unless 
we are willing to believe each other occasionally, 
there must be an end of human intercourse of the 
friendly description. And what is true of private 
comity, is true of the comity of nations. State-papers 
for all the usual purposes of diplomacy, must be taken 
to mean just what they profess to mean. The lack- 
eys of legation, the footmen, cooks and scullions of 
his Excellency, the Embassador, the gentry of the 
backstairs, the old women who sweep the offices and 
light the fires, are always deepest in state-secrets, and 
always pronest to put their faith in nobody. The 
valet intrigues while his master opens his heart with 
his snuff-box. 

When The London Times, with owlish gravity and 



THE PROCLAMATION AT THE SOUTH. 375 

innumerable shrugs, professes to doubt the entire sin- 
cerity of the President's Proclamation, its uncivilized 
incredulity makes the suspicions of lackeys, footmen, 
cooks, scullions and char-women respectable and dig- 
nified by comparison. Whether it be worth while to 
maintain a character for uncommon perspicacity at 
the expense of a character for common veracity, the 
stock-jobbing managers of the newspaper in question 
must determine. 

The charge against the President is, that he is not 
in earnest, and against his policy, that it is not sin- 
cere. The newspaper to which we have referred, 
speaks of Mr. Lincoln as issuing his Proclamation, 
"with his tongue in his cheek." This is a' rare bit 
of rhetorical refinement. If any of our transatlantic 
friends think that its truth is equal to its beauty, we 
beg leave to assure them, that here, even the enemies 
of the President view the Proclamation in an entirely 
different light. They believe, if The Times does n't. 
The Pro-Slavery newspapers howl with a sad sin- 
cerity. The Northern politicians, in the interest of 
the Rebellion, do not affect to consider the Procla- 
mation a joke. The editors of Davis's Republic 
swell, as they refer to the document, with an unusual 
venom. From Davis himself it has evoked a procla- 
mation more than commonly bloodthirsty. And it 
may be asserted generally, that whatever objections 
may be made to the Proclamation, they have found 
all their point and force in the assumption that so far 
from being mere flummery and subterfuge, it means 
precisely what it says. Nobody here, however en- 



376 THE PROCLAMATION AT THE NORTH. 

raged by its contents, has hit upon the notable ex- 
pedient of regarding it as a mere morsel of party 
management. The London critics have the advan- 
tage of their negro-hating friends in America in that 
particular. The members of Congress from the Bor- 
der States, whose love of Slavery is stronger than 
their love of the Union, are exceedingly lond in their 
lamentations. The politicians of the pot-honses read 
the Proclamation, and as they do so, curse the negro 
with a renewed vehemence; while the intelligent 
masses of the Northern people accept it with a 
good faith, which we say, without any disrespect to 
the President or distrust of his fidelity, will compel 
good faith in return. It matters not, for the pur- 
poses of this argument, what may have been the con- 
cealed intentions of the Government in making the 
Proclamation ; it will be construed with straightfor- 
ward literalism by men enough, at any rate, to be 
troublesome, whether they may be in the majority or 
not. Indeed, English gentlemen who have supposed 
that the American people, with all their faults of 
character, are so thick-witted as to be the easy vic- 
tims of official pranks, do not themselves show any 
great powers of intelligent observation. It is not the 
habit of our men in office to make experiments upon 
popular credulity. And in the present case, neither 
those who dislike the Proclamation, nor those who 
support it have for a moment doubted its sincerity. 
It has been discussed upon its own merits, and no- 
body here has been sharp enough to see the tongue 
in the President's cheek. The people of the United 



SACKCLOTH AND ASHES. 377 

States have suffered, and are still suffering too much 
to affect any levity or nonchalance in this business. 

February 20, 1863. 



MR. DAVIS PROPOSES TO FAST. 

Me. Davis's continual resort to religion indicates 
something of the straits of a condemned malefactor, 
who, when he hears the carpenter at work upon the 
gallows, concludes to send for the chaplain. The 
Confederate President has issued another Proclama- 
tion for a public fast in his dominions, which, con- 
sidering the condition of the flesh-pots in those de- 
mesnes, strikes us as just a little supererogatory. We 
have no fear that any of the Rebels will eat too much. 
There is yet another point upon which his friends 
should warn Mr. Davis. There is danger in his re- 
cent and rather awkward piety : for Fast-Days are a 
puritanical institution— they have Fast-Days in wicked, 
praying, hypocritical, religious and revolutionary New 
England — to tell the honest truth, the first Fast ever 
kept upon this continent by a Protestant congrega- 
tion, was kept in Plymouth, by Praise-God-Bare- 
bones and other scurvy Pilgrim Fathers, whom it is 
the fashion in all Rebel newspapers and speeches to 
berate as incendiary and godless scoundrels. "We bid 
Mr. Davis to take heed of too much austerity. At 
the same time we will do his subjects the justice to 
say that not only by man but by beast will his in- 
junctions be obeyed. The Armenian Christians 



378 FASTING FOB JOY, 

make their horses fast with them ; and should Mr. 
Davis be pleased, in default of any other, to declare 
the Armenian to be the State Religion, it will be a 
gx^eat saving of oats in a rather than else attenuated 
commissary department. 

We regret to say that Mr. Davis, being a novice in 
these matters, has made the singular mistake of ap- 
pointing a Fast, when he should have appointed a 
Thanksgiving. In his Proclamation, which is quite 
a compendium of practical piety, he solemnly sets 
forth that, whereas the affairs of the Confederacy are 
in a pretty prosperous condition — everything going 
on well — nothing but victories, bloody and decided — 
the Confederacy evidently under the peculiar care of 
its Creator — therefore, I, Jefferson Davis, do declare 
a day of Humiliation and Fasting! This is an 
anti-climax at which, but for the solemnitv of the 
subject, we should be tempted to titter. But we are 
glad to learn that, upon one day of the year at least, 
the Confederates propose to be as humble as — Uriah 
Heep ! Mr. Davis says that " in the midst of trials," 
the Rebels " gathered together with thanksgiving ;" 
and now in their prosperity, they propose to fast ! 
There has been nothing like this since Sheridan cried 
at Cumberland's comedies and laughed at his trage- 
dies. We sadly fear that Mr. Jefferson Davis's theo- 
logical education has been neglected. 

As there may be some religious patriarchs in like 
condition, and who may have doubts of their ability 
to fast, in a genteel, orthodox and acceptable manner, 
we advise them, before the 27th of March, which is 



MR. WOOD PRINTS. 379 

the day appointed, to take a few lessons of their " nig- 
gers." Many of these are great adepts, through sad 
and involuntary experience, in the ascetic art of fast- 
ing; many of them are living monuments of the 
ability of man to exist upon next to nothing ; and 
most of them have quite as much religion, to say the 
least of it, as their masters. Let Mr. Davis and his 
friends apply at the quarter-houses of the " men-ser- 
vants and maid-servants," as brother Davis calls 
them, for all necessary information. 

There are scrupulous persons who might object to 
the prayers of Rebels, as, to a certain extent, blas- 
phemous. But we do not. Let them pray. The 
cannibals of Sumatra pray. The greasy and mud- 
smeared savages of Central Africa pray. There is 
said to be no heathen without a religion — all the 
other heathens pray,— and pray why should not the 
Confederates ? 

March 11, 1863. 



MR. B. WOOD'S UTOPIA. 



Ben Wood's speech that was not spoken, has, of 
course, been printed by him, just as the play-wrights 
of the last century, when managers were inexorable, 
exclaimed : " Zounds, I '11 print it." It is in this way 
that Brother Ben, when not permitted to bore the 
House, with malice prepense, attempts to bore the 
nation. We have read, at least a part of the docu- 
ment — that part in which the tender Benjamin 



380 BROTHER BENJAMIN. 

assures us that " were lie certain that, in a military 
sense, this war would prove successful, nevertheless 
he would oppose it, for with the resisting power of 
the South would vanish every hope of their exist- 
ence as equal and contented members of one house- 
hold." 

There is a fine paternal aroma about this remark, 
which reminds one of that title which has been con- 
ferred, by the general consent of mankind, upon 
Benjamin, by reason of his relation to Fernando, and 
which has suggested to the world, not Cain and 
Abel, but rather, with an entire reverse of the Scrip- 
ture story, two most amicable and complying Cains. 
This will account for Benjamin's pathetic allusion to 
" equal and contented members of one household.' 5 
Brother Wood's proposition seems to be, that we 
should lay down our arms and disperse. With the 
disappearance of our armies he anticipates several 
tons of hot coals heaped upon the head of Jeiferson 
Davis, who will, upon the receipt of the intelligence, 
burst into tears, repent of all his sins, receive a new 
heart and take an express train for Washington, that 
he may throw himself at the feet of President 
Lincoln, who will " take him up tenderly," kiss him 
upon each cheek, and having assured him of his 
entire forgiveness, will call for two cocktails of recon- 
ciliation and two cigars of peace. 

Pleasing picture ! Fine figment of the brain of 
Benjamin Wood ! Shall we mortals ever see you 
realized, exquisitely embraced and enchantingly 
reduced to a dead certainty ? There may be chances 



RUIN IN SUCCESS. 381 

of it. So there may be chances of drawing $100,000 in 
one of Frater Ben's truly lucky lotteries. But the 
chances in one case are about as good as the chances in 
the other. At any rate we had better not disband the 
Army, until Ben has been dispatched to Richmond, 
there to wave the olive-branch in our behalf. When 
we hear the result of his apostolic mission, it will be 
time enough to consider the question of disbanding. 

Benjamin is far different from the rest of us, being, 
we suppose, of a finer philosophical spirit. When we 
are fortunate enough to pick up a victory, the fra- 
ternal Wood mourns. By a parity of reason, when 
we are so unfortunate as to encounter defeat and dis- 
aster, we suppose that he rejoices exceedingly. We 
have fondly thought that the success of the Federal 
arms would bring back peace and prosperity, but our 
prophetic member, his visual orbs being beautifully 
purged, is convinced that nothing more ruinous could 
happen to us than the most refulgent triumphs. He 
dreads in the recesses of his soul, " the destruction of 
the resisting powers of the South." We may take 
Charleston. That would be "a resisting power." 
Everybody else in these parts would be glad, but 
Benjamin is sorry. There is one chance the less 
of " a contented household." Vicksburg may be 
reduced. More misery! Really, under such cir- 
cumstances, one would, as a matter of curiosity, like 
to have Benjamin's estimate of the moral, political, and 
religious effect of the Battle of Bull Run ! With his 
views he should consider it a blessing to this commu- 
nity. Thinking as he does, he should go down every 



382 DESTROYING THE RESISTING POWERS. 

night upon his blessed knees and pray that we may 
be routed, horse, foot and batteries, by sea and land. 
He is opposed to success upon principle — that is, to 
our success — and the inevitable sequitur is that he 
desires the success of the Confederate Armv. Other- 
wise a plain man does not well see why he should be 
so timorous of "the destruction of the resisting 
powers of the South. " 

But let us try the logical Wood's philosophy by 
the rule of contraries. It is very clear to our mind, 
that the dissolution of our armies would not be 
followed by a flood of millennial glories. The next 
thing to disbanding is a defeat. We will suppose 
that the Davis forces have smitten — hip and thigh — 
the Federal forces, and that, after the mortifying 
agonies of capitulation, we have arrived at the deli- 
cate delights of negotiation. The surrender would 
be morally equivalent to Ben's proposed withdrawal 
of our army — and yet does he suppose that the 
Southern diplomatists would at once commiserate 
our wretched condition, and themselves first propose 
a return ? Would the happy and contented house- 
hold then and there be with due ceremony organized ? 
Member Wood may believe, but we do n't. 

By " the destruction of the resisting powers of the 
South," this astute and benevolent gentleman can 
only mean, as he evidently does, the destruction 
of Rebels — and if they were every one of them 
destroyed, by the sword, the axe, the gallows or rats- 
bane, the chances of Wood's Happy Family would 
be considerably multiplied. The object of the Gov- 



MR. WOOD'S PEACE. 383 

eminent, if we understand it, is to enforce the legal 
and most righteous jurisdiction of the Constitution 
over certain territories of great extent and value. If 
we conquer, the Moguls of the Rebellion will, if they 
can, levant to European, Mexican, or South Ameri- 
can parts ; and those who cannot get away, must be 
dealt with according to law. This will finish the 
matter neatly, and it will be finished quite as neatly, 
though not quite so pleasantly, if we are worsted. 

But Mr. Ben Wood's peace would settle nothing. 
Instead of the Felicitous Family of his dulcet 
dreams — rats, mice, rabbits, and terriers in one 
cage — we should only go back to ancient riots and 
quondam rows. The voice of the bully would again 
be heard in the Capitol — the old system of bluster 
would be resumed — the Slaveholder would come 
back infinitely more insolent and more awfully 
outrageous — in conjunction with the rejuvenated 
Democracy of the North, the Man-Owners would 
begin the game of nominating and electing dough- 
face or slaveholding Presidents — and after another 
period of labor dire and weary woe, we should, ere 
long, find ourselves again compelled to fight, even if 
a Slaveholding or Doughface President should not 
sell us out completely to the Man-Owners. This is 
not the kind of Happy Family to which we look for- 
ward with unutterable yearnings. So we think upon 
the whole, that it will be just as well not to act upon 
Ben's brilliant suggestions. 

March 13, 1863. 



384 AN ENGLISH PHILANTHROPIST. 



MR. BUXTON SCARED. 

Fowell BuxtWs philanthropy, we are compelled to 
believe, is of that description which is limited by 
the price of beer and the rent of ale-houses. It is 
of the hereditary description, and, like most heredi- 
tary virtues, it has suffered a diminution by trans- 
mission. The present Buxton would never have 
divided the House of Commons, with only a meagre 
minority to back him. His father did this, and divers 
other bold things, of which even the tradition seems 
to have prematurely faded out in the family. The 
present Buxton is reported to have written to The 
London Times a letter, in which he reiterates his 
detestation of Slavery, but says he " cannot endorse 
President Lincoln's Emancipation scheme, as it con- 
templates an insurrection of the negroes and untold 
misery." 

Of this we have to observe, in the first place, that it 
is a criminal carelessness of language for any man to 
say that the Proclamation contemplates insurrection. 
It is an indefensible and impudent and sheerly gratui- 
tous slander to utter this of Mr. Lincoln, or of any 
other officer of the Government ; it is a fair specimen 
of the loose speech which Englishmen, since the com- 
mencement of our civil war, have permitted them- 
selves to use when descanting upon American topics ; 
and the reply to it in the present case is, that the 
Proclamation is better calculated to prevent insurrec- 
tion than to provoke it. There can be no doubt of 
the fact that the masters are very much at the mercy 



WEST INDIAN EMANCIPATION. 385 

of the Blacks ; but the Negro, by nature, has no par- 
ticular penchant for bloodshed, and has never been 
guilty of any atrocities, except when goaded to them 
by intolerable cruelties. Should he, in any section 
of the " Confederate States," have been contem- 
plating, or planning an insurrection, he is far more 
likely to await the approach of the Union armies, the 
presence of which would necessarily repress all law- 
less violence on his part, than to rush madly into a 
massacre by which he can gain nothing and may 
lose everything. Thus considered, nothing could be 
more merciful to the Slaveholders and to their de- 
fenceless families, than the Proclamation. 

From this point of view, Buxton's " untold misery " 
is easily calculated. It is certainly strange, that a 
history with which he should be familiar has taught 
this man nothing. He must know that during the 
violent debates in the House of Commons, it was 
confidently predicted, in terms of extreme pathos, 
by gentlemen in the interest of planters, that the 
first of August would be a bloody day in the British 
West Indies — a new and more terrible Bartholomew. 
The minacious bathos of Mr. Peter Borthwick can- 
not have faded from the memorv of a Buxton. The 

tj 

dreadful day came which was to inaugurate " untold 
misery," and it found the poor blacks, not rushing to 
deeds of blood, nor busy in the avengement of long- 
continued and exasperating wrongs, but humbly bend- 
ing the knee in their little chapels, to thank God for 
the great salvation which had been vouchsafed to 
them. If Buxton knew anything of the American 
17 



386 EMANCIPATION INEVITABLE. 

Blacks, he would anticipate no worse evil from their 
enfranchisement. They are vastly more likely to 
assume the care of their imbecile and impoverished 
masters, than to cut their throats. 

But whether from Emancipation come evil or come 
good, peace or the sword, it is inevitable. The Ruler 
of the Universe, weary of our wicked and intermin- 
able delays, appears in righteous indignation to have 
taken the work out of our trembling and ignoble 
hands ; or rather, He has, by the force of events, 
compelled us, even for the sake of self, to do jus- 
tice to the outraged and oppressed. The first gun 
which was fired at Charleston announced to the world 
the demise of American Slavery. Already the dip- 
lomatic representatives of the Rebels are seeking to 
propitiate the Anti-Slavery sentiment of Europe, by 
promises of emancipation — by admissions that Slav- 
ery is neither profitable nor desirable in any way — 
by a loose talk of manumission when it shall be safe. 
Should their independence ever be acknowledged 
by the political powers of the world they will be 
reminded of these words ; and in any event, the 
chances of an insurrection infinitely more sanguinary 
than any which can possibly occur as the remote re- 
sult of the Proclamation will be multiplied, when 
the moral power and the physical force of the Union 
shall no longer deter the Black from making a de- 
cided though desperate stand for his freedom. 

We deprecate as much as any timid Englishman 
an insurrection of the slaves. But while with Pow- 
ell Buxton we contemplate the "untold misery 5 ' 



CHARLESTON ALL BIGHT. 3SY 

which such an event would occasion, we cannot ban- 
ish from, our thoughts the " untold misery " to which 
an inoffensive race has been subjected by the cupid- 
ity of man. A general massacre of all the whites in 
the Slaveholding States, would hardly present so 
terrible an aggregate of suffering as that which the 
American slaves are expected to encounter with 
Christian patience, and in a moment to forgive and 
forget. God preserve us from a lawless insurrection ! 
God preserve us from crimes and breaches of good 
faith which will make such an insurrection inevitable ! 

March 18, 1863. 



CHARLESTON COZY. 



If we may credit the epistle-monger in Charleston, 
who writes with a kind of rosy rapture to The London 
Times, that city, so far from partaking of the pains 
and poverty of the Confederacy, is a scene of sybarit- 
ical pleasures and Corinthian joys. Though half the 
town has been burned, the moiety is an Earthly Para- 
dise, in the midst of which stands that eminent cara- 
vansary ycleped " the Mills House," at the bar of 
which, we suppose, fluid happiness is still dispensed, 
albeit at gigantic prices per draught. Interminable 
walls, countless breastworks, ditches of unknown 
depth, batteries of Gibraltarian impregnability, forts 
whose frown alone would repel a Grand Army, horn- 
works, ravelines, counterscarps and escarps, glacis, 
and the sfod of "War knows what else — all these have 



388 THE BENEVOLENT FBASEBS. 

been combined after a fashion which would have 
filled the heart of Marshal Saxe with envy, and not 
less have delighted the benevolent soul of Uncle 
Toby. 

Within these strong defences, which have been 
entirely built, as we are told, by the hands of the 
busy "niggers, 55 the originators of the Rebellion 
and dry nurses of Treason do most peacefully repose 
and laugh to scorn the Federal fleet and the Federal 
foot. They have nothing to do but smoke, drink, 
swear, sleep and be happy. After Macbeth had 
hung out his banner, there was a cry upon the outer 
wall, which made him feel quite ill and led him to a 
long conversation with the Doctor. 

It is quite different with the chiefs of Charleston 
and their families whether fycmc, black or yellow. 
They have all the titiilations of a siege without the 
torments. JSTot yet have they been driven to devour 
their boots, as the French were in Genoa. On the 
contrary they have w^hat the landladies of minor 
boarding-houses call "enough, and that that ? s good." 
" Fraser & Co. have ta'en order for it." Fraser & 
Co. are merchants who would rather give away than 
sell. Fraser & Co. run the blockade regularly three 
times a week. Fraser & Co. supply ail manner of 
comfort for back and belly. Those benevolent Dough- 
faces, therefore, who have permitted the saline tears 
to bestain their linen cheeks at the thought of all the 
misery which their Charleston friends were encoun- 
tering, can darn the sluices of their grief or weep for 
some less-favored Man-Owners. Charleston is, if we 



POOB VIRGINIA! 389 

may believe this correspondent, far better off than 
she was when in a death-grapple with the pestilence, 
or after a desolating conflagration, she cried aloud to 
the rascally Yankees for aid in meat or in money, 
and uttered no unheeded appeal. We forbear, out of 
motives of delicacy, from making more than a bare 
allusion to the money which has been raised in 
Northern parts for Missionary purposes, to be ex- 
pended in South Carolina, because the religious result 
has been so preposterous that we are inclined to spare 
the feelings of the amiable donors. Meantime the 
content being so measureless in Charleston, we won- 
der if the .Palmettoes ever think of the quite opposite 
condition of their friends and fellow-sinners in Vir- 
ginia — that unfortunate State, the once-fair territories 
of which have been scathed and blighted by the 
actual presence of war — its towns besieged and bom- 
barded — its profitable commerce (in tobacco and 
oysters) almost destroyed — its capital city, ragged 
and writhing Richmond, full of the various distresses 
incident to belligerent humanity — its importance 
diminished by a political division which will never 
be reconsidered — its historical glories so faded, that 
future ages will hardly believe that it gave birth to 
"Washington — Virginia that was politically so great 
and so honored, turned into a tilting-ground upon 
which South Carolina compels her humble and com- 
plying sisters in secession to fight her quarrel with 
Massachusetts ! 

We get no boast from Richmond of the happy 
condition of affairs in that city. There is no Eraser 



390 SOUTH CAROLINA DOMINANT. 

& Co. there, to supply gratuitous dry-goods and 
groceries to the naked and hungry. With what 
flowings of unspeakable bile must a Virginian, who 
has had no breakfast and who cherishes not the 
wildest hope of a dinner, who is out at the elbows, 
out of money and out of temper, read, should it come 
in his way, the letter in The Times, and reflect that 
while he suffers in purse, person, and estate, the 
Charleston Rebel eats well, sleeps well, dresses well 
and calmly reads the bulletins of the campaign in 
Virginia ? 

We believe we assert no more than she would 
claim, although in different terms, when we declare 
that this rebellion originated in the mean selfishness 
of South Carolina — in the arrogance and passion of 
her public men — in the recklessness of a little knot 
of pestilent politicians in Charleston and the adja- 
cent demesnes — in the teachings of such apostles as 
Calhoun and Butler. The Virginia abstraction was 
comparatively harmless until the action of South 
Carolina gave to it a practical and malignant activity. 
That State has found the fire and the chestnuts — the 
others must burn their fingers in the roasting. Do 
they suppose that the culinary process would be over 
and the digital blisters permanently abated, if the 
Confederacy were once fairly put upon its legs ? O 
credulous Confederates ! Have you yet to learn that 
South Carolina can confederate with nobody? that 
her temper is too waspish to afford the least hope of 
jocund conjugal relations? that she has lived so 
long in a state of quarrel, that it has become her 



HOUSEHOLD PEBILS. 391 

normal condition ? that she feels or affects a contempt 
for all mankind outside her own little territory? 
The restoration of the Union will save you from 
much else, but over and above all, it will save you 
from her ! — from her pettish pride and absurd hu- 
mors, from her calculating frigidity which all her 
fire never tempers, and her indomitable selfishness 
which she dignifies as patriotism. 

March 18, 1863. 



THE TWIN ABOMINATIONS. 

Most men would think polygamy to be an offence 
carrying with it its own punishment. If the tend- 
ency of even monogamous simplicity be to tiffs and 
breakfast-table debates, what must be the magnificent 
wrath of a patriarch who can arraign a score of wives 
upon an indictment of cold tea and half-baked rolls ; 
but who is still compelled to withdraw his charges 
by the rattling musketry of twenty nimble tongues ? 
Brigham of Utah is represented to be a stout crea- 
ture, with quite an oriental talent for administering 
the affairs of his seraglio ; and we will do him the 
justice to say that, to our knowledge at least, he has 
never sacked any insubordinate spouse in his Salt 
Lake Bosphorus. 

But the mild and truly affectionate government of 
the United States is quite right in taking it for grant- 
ed, that Young, who is getting to be a little old, will be 
relieved by taking from him ninety-nine per cent, of 



392 IMPARTIAL CIVILIZATION. 

his uxorious embarrassment. To our utter astonish- 
ment the Mormon objects to this proceeding — is un- 
willing to part with one single individual rib of his 
whole magnificent collection, and must be mildly 
persuaded, for his own good, through the potent 
logic of an indictment. ? T is a curious world. Here 
at the East, hundreds of wretches are clamoring to 
the courts to rid them of one spouse, and there at the 
West, Brigham, and other much-married saints, are 
struggling for assorted lots, numbering from a dozen 
to a gross, of the same article. Thus it is that hu- 
man nature is most inconsistently asinine. Thus it 
is that the barbarous Mormon Bible, which is no- 
toriously a pack of lies, has taught to its admirers a 
patience which, in too many instances, the highest 
revelation has failed to inculcate in its professors. 
Wonderful is habit, and the world is really indebted 
to the Sultan of Salt Lake for a new proof of its 
potency. Mithridates breakfasting upon belladonna 
and lunching upon arsenic was a fool to him. 

We shall await the result of this curious experi- 
ment in social ethics with considerable interest ; for 
if the government can put down a plurality of wives 
in Utah, who will doubt its ability to put down the 
Rebellion ? In both cases we confess that we enter- 
tain a lively hope of the most favorable results. In 
both cases we have a right to anticipate the triumph 
of that imperious civilization which makes no terms 
either with legalized brothels or barracoons. There 
is a restraining power somewhere, which forbids man 
to go backwards, and eifectually prevents the recon- 



THE CLAIMS OF POLYGAMY. 393 

struction of barbarous institutions. The Anglo-Saxon 
race is as likely to discard its coat and breeches, and, 
oblivious of gunpowder, to betake itself in its own 
painted skin to the spearing of game, as to sustain 
a society having for its base either Polygamy or 
Slavery. 

It is one of the divinest things in the economy of 
this divinely-created world, that there is no resurrec- 
tion for a convicted and executed and buried false- 
hood. There is no consolation for us in this chaos of 
conflicting moral elements, except in a steady faith 
that, Whatsoever things are unjust bear but a limited 
life. It is not in vain that so many of the incorpor- 
ated blunders of mankind have already tottered and 
tumbled into a tomb from which there can be no 
resurrection. It is not in vain that our eyes, placed 
in the frontal regions, must look forward. That was 
no hard command which directed us to forget the 
things behind and to press forward. 

Polygamy claims the same divine sanction to which 
Slavery makes a pretence. It is a Patriarchal Insti- 
tution. It bottoms itself upon Abraham, Isaac and 
Jacob. It sticks closely by the historical letter of the 
Old Testament, and that, too, upon points which the 
Jews themselves have, in deference to the difference 
of ages, wisely abandoned in practice, if not in re- 
ligious theory. ISfo Israelite, however opulent, as- 
tonishes the world by a magnificent and multitudi- 
nous concubinage. Rothschild, in such a display, 
might rival the traditional glories of Solomon. But 
the Svnao-ooTie has discarded an institution inconsist- 

17* 



394 A P 110 L J FIG PATRIARCH. 

ent with, the social phenomena of the age to the bas- 
tardized Christianity of Brigham Young ; while the 
Christian Slaveholder, contemptuously overleaping 
the gap which, divides the Old and ]STew Dispensa- 
tions, claims, as an extenuation of his crime, the au- 
thority and example of Moses and the Prophets. 

Polygamy is an offence against reason, decency, 
policy, and the enlightenment of the times ; but in 
the system of Human Slavery the most indecent and 
revolting features of Polygamy are included. Each 
of these systems tends to the gratification of unhal- 
lowed lusts, to the pollution of woman, to the degra- 
dation of the marital relation, to the desecration of 
home, to a loose and promiscuous association of the 
sexes ; but these odious peculiarities of Slavery are 
mixed with others which are so much more revolting, 
and which appeal so much more directly to human 
sympathy, that we forget the lesser wrong (if there 
can in such case be any comparison) in our indigna- 
tion at the greater. Brigham's polygamous institu- 
tion is bad enough at the best ; but it is free from 
that taint of remorseless and calculating selfishness 
which makes Southern Slavery an almost unmiti- 
gated evil. 

Nobody can calculate how many children call 
Brigham Young by the endearing title of father; 
but we must say this for him, that however numer- 
ous they may be, he has brought none of them to the 
auction-block. He keeps no market for the sale of 
his own flesh and blood. He does not advertise the 
bone of his bone. He makes no merchandise of his 



THE SENSITIVE COPPERHEADS. 395 

little boys and girls. And finally, it may be stated 
for the satisfaction of gentlemen disposed to dabble 
in ethnics, that ail the youthful Youngs are indubi- 
tably white, and present to the world a bleached Cau- 
casian aspect. For the soul of us we cannot help 
regarding Mawworm preaching from his tub as a far 
more agreeable character than Inkle selling his 
Tarico for filthy dollars. 

There are sundry good Samaritans of the Copper- 
head variety who cannot speak of the wrongs which 
the Man-Owners have suffered without bursting into a 
flood of tears. Slavery is established by positive law, 
and it is cruelly unjust to meddle with it so much as 
by a mere mention of its iniquity. Well, concubin- 
age is established by the positive law of Utah, backed 
by the authority of the Mormon Bible. Will the 
husbands of one wife, here and elsewhere, convene 
to sympathize with the husband of many wives ? — 
We shall see. 

March 19, 1863. 



VICTOBY AND VICTUALS. 



Up through the agonized oesophagus of the Confed- 
eracy comes the piteous prayer for prog. The most 
ardent rebel must eat — so must his rib and his 
responsibilities, both of the sable and the Caucasian 
tint — so must the gallant steed which bears him to 
the battle. Jeremy, in Congreve's " Love for Love" 
pathetically protests his utter inability to breakfast 
upon a certain chapter of Epictetus, although his 



396 FIGHTING FAMINE, 

more philosophical master declares it to be " a feast 
for an emperor." The insurgents are just discovering 
that a hungry man cannot satiate his physical appe- 
tites by the perusal of the speeches of Mr. Calhoun 
and the Resolutions of '98. 

The reading and marking and inward digestion of 
crazy political theories go but a little way toward 
producing chyme and chyle. The duodenum is n't 
a patriotic organ ; and the bravest armies can never 
successfully fight a famine. Napoleon's principle 
was to make war support war ; but here the case is 
different, for what pleasure can a Rebel take in a raid 
on his own hen-house, especially when no feathered 
creature is roosting therein ? The chief luxury of the 
Roman soldier was a daily mouthful of vinegar, but 
the bibatory needs of a full-blooded Seceding Cheva- 
lier are by no means so simple. 

Like Mrs. Gamp, he not only likes to have the 
bottle on the shelf, but he rather than else prefers to 
find something in it stiff and strong when he draws 
the cork. A parched and empty warrior may be 
just the creature to attack the enemy's commissariat 
train ; but when it comes to long and steady cam- 
paigning, or the great exertion of a pitched battle, 
nothing can compensate for the want of regular 
rations. And if soldiers find short commons debili- 
tating, notwithstanding their presumptive devotion 
to the cause, what must have been the intolerable 
agony of civilians, especially in the city of New 
Orleans, where until lately, the sale of fluid rapture 
was invariably suppressed by the provost guard at 



HUNGRY EDITORS. 397 

half past nine o'clock, p. m. ? The considerate and 
benevolent Banks, we notice, has mitigated this dry 
hardship. Thirst may now be quenched by the citi- 
zens of that region up to midnight — as for the soldier, 
the gates of mercy are shut upon him, or rather for 
him the generous decanters are inexorably stopped. 
Disloyalty and drink go together in those parts — 
there are no cocktails (except in their caps) for the 
defenders of the Constitution. 

But it is in Richmond that famine is the fiercest — 
a fact from which we draw the happiest augury. For 
Mosheim, in his Ecclesiastical History, tells us that 
fasting was introduced into the religious polity " from 
a notion that the demons directed their stratagems 
principally against those who pampered themselves 
with delicious fare, and were less troublesome to the 
lean and hungry." .Now if this be so, what a sorry 
time these demons, who may in some sort be consid- 
ered as spiritual tape-worms, must be having just 
now in rationless Richmond ! 'T is felt there, we are 
sorry for the craft to say, most excruciatingly in the 
printing-offices, and consequently the howls w T hich 
issue from these nurseries of Secession civilization 
are truly tremendous. The Editors find that fire- 
eating is a mere figment of the imagination — no man 
can grow fat upon theoretical, ignited carbon — the 
bravest of the brave may make others eat his sword, 
but he cannot himself lunch upon it without fatal 
consequences. 

The Richmond Examiner dolefully declares that 
while citizens, editors, private soldiers, and other 



o 



98 TOO MUCH HORSEFLESH. 



humble creatures are undergoing semi-starvation, 
and submitting to what we should suppose, from the 
passionate earnestness of the appeal, must he some- 
thing like the pangs of Ugolino, the resources of the 
city are employed " to pamper idle pride and official 
indolence." The officers of the Rebel Army it is 
asserted, keep, at great charge, an unconscionable 
stud of chargers, of a voracity almost as great, we 
should think, as that of the mares of Diomedes ; and 
draw rations of oats, and other fodder, for those 
superfluous beasts, which are used only in the peace- 
ful business of airing the Richmond ladies upon 
pleasant evenings. This, the editor, who evidently 
wishes himself one of Capt. Gulliver's renowned and 
cultivated steeds, comments upon with much bile. 
But he forgets the law of self-preservation. How 
does he know that these Lothario-like officers are not 
feeding the horses that the horses may hereafter feed 
them ? It may come to that and worse in Richmond 
yet. Indeed, our troubled brother, in our opinion, 
should look upon this stable luxury with a philo- 
sophical leniency ; for in default of fat horses, how can 
he be sure that these epauletted epicures may not 
betake themselves to the eating even of lean Editors ? 
Fiat justitia, mat ccel/um, roars this excited Exam- 
iner, which being interpreted, signifies — Give me my 
bit of bread and butter, though the bits of blood 
belonging to the officers get never an individual oat. 
Well, poor man ! we think that he is right. By what 
legal authority is the wearer of many buttons per- 
mitted to set up as a Dives, while this poor Editor 



HANGING PBISONEBS. 399 

plays the unsatisfactory part of Lazarus, with no 
chance whatever of finding solace in Abraham's 
bosom ? Why should Letcher be allowed, in respect 
to strong waters, to create a kind of Sahara wherever 
he goes, while an intellectual creature, like The 
Examiner, is unable to find a drop, examine he the 
closets never so closely ? 

There are those who by the folly of the Rebel 
faction have been utterly ruined; there are others 
who, of an ample fortune, have little enough left to 
keep the souls and bodies of their household together. 
These the hungry oligarchs propose to subject to a 
third or, for ought we know, to a thirtieth skinning. 
Private property is to be seized wherever found, for 
the use of the Eebel Army, and to be most mag- 
nanimously paid for in Rebel paper-money not 
worth one cent on the dollar. But if it stood proudly 
at par, no hungry Yirginian could eat it, with or 
without pepper and salt ; nor can he buy anything 
with it when there is nothing to sell. Unhappy, 
hungry Yirginian ! 

March 25, 1863. 



SUS. PER COLL. 



The Charleston Mercury, with that charming suavity 
which characterizes Man-stealing civilization, calls 
loudly upon the magnates of the insurrection sum- 
marily to hang all those Union officers who may be 
captured while in command of Black Regiments, 



400 PLANTATION DISCIPLINE. 

There is a spice here of the old ferocity which whilom 
tar-feathered Northern travelers, and ravaged the 
portmanteaus of Yankee school-mistresses. It is a 
curious philosophical fact, that the Slaveholder al- 
ways connects energy and murder. He has no idea 
of any effectual action without homicide. He takes 
it for granted in reconstructing his scheme of public 
ethics, or of police regulation, that there is no virtue 
except in violence, and that the readiest way to con- 
vince a man of his error is to put him to death. 

The fires of the Inquisition have long since been 
quenched ; thumb-screws and iron-boots have long 
rusted in the museums of antiquaries ; the cannibal 
has ceased to satiate his revenge by first grilling and 
then gobbling his adversary ; and only the Chinese, 
of all nations the most averse to change, unite with 
Confederates in continuing to practice the revolting 
barbarities of war. But this is not wonderful, for 
Slavery is legalized, continued, and consecrated vio- 
lence, depending for its very existence upon the 
ferocity of the few and the fears of the many. The 
discipline of the plantation naturally falls to a low 
level of coarse cruelty ; and the imbruted Slave has 
his revenge in a brutified Master. The patriarch 
neither attempts nor cares for any other ratiocination 
than that which he finds in the hiss of the scourge, 
the bark of the pistol, and the clash of the bowie-knife. 

In some departments of human economy, contact 
with beings less sanguinary than himself may, to a 
limited extent, have meliorated his manners ; but in 
all points of character which touch his relations to 



BULLYING METHODS, 401 

his Slaves, he is hardly more human than the blood- 
hounds which yelp in his kennel. He is the Nero, 
the Caligula, the Domitian of a few acres, responsible 
to no earthly tribunal for the excesses into w^hich his 
animal rage may betray him. His experience has 
taught him, in his own little hell upon earth, the 
efficacy of unlimited swearing and truculent threats ; 
and because he can scare a score or two of helpless, 
trembling, cowering creatures into dumb obedience, 
he fancies that the universe is to be intimidated in 
the same way. Moreover, he has so often bullied 
the North into an unmanly acquiescence, no matter 
how absurdly outrageous might be his demands, that 
he imagines the force of swaggering yet unexpended ; 
and so he erects his scare-crow gallows, announces 
his intention of hanging his prisoners of war, and 
fully believes that he can thus intimidate us into a 
conduct of the war which will be agreeable to his 
feelings, and accommodated to his peculiar necessi- 
ties. He would thus nullify the acts of a Congress 
which he has deserted, and still control a govern- 
ment which he has disowned. 

Under these circumstances it may be profitable for 
the insurgents to consider that there are still several 
large cordage factories at work in the Northern 
States, turning out, among other ropes, those which 
will well enough suit the purpose of the executioner. 
Should any white commander of a Black Regiment 
in the service of the United States be hanged, ac- 
cording to the threat of the Charleston newspaper 
above quoted, our impression is that ropes will be 



402 LEX TALI0NI8. 

immediately resorted to in these parts ; and whatever 
may be the skill of the Confederate Ketch, we have 
confidence in our ability to produce an artist of equal 
accomplishments. We do not believe that our Rebel 
prisoners bear a charmed life. Beastly as they are, 
they were born of woman, and have vertebrae and 
wind-pipes, and the muscles adjacent thereto formed 
quite after the fashion of our own ; and should the 
uncivilized threat of the Charleston paper be carried 
into execution, sundry chevaliers may also be carried 
up to execution, to the great grief of their surviving 
compatriots in Secessia. This game of murdering 
prisoners would be highly entertaining, if it were like 
Solitaire at cards ; but when both sides betake them- 
selves to the amusement, our impression is that it will 
be speedily abandoned. 

The subterfuge of the South, that we are inciting 
the Blacks to insurrection, with all its traditional 
horrors, is the sheerest and falsest nonsense. By all 
the laws of war, we have a perfect right to employ 
the Slaves against their Masters — Caius Harms did 
it, and he was esteemed a tolerable soldier in his day ; 
and Napoleon, at St. Helena, regretted he did not do 
it in Russia ; the English did it during our Revolution- 
ary War ; but we have never read that Washington 
threatened to hang English prisoners upon that ac- 
count. The general who should refuse the services 
of half, or more than half, of the population of a 
country which he was endeavoring to subjugate, 
would not deserve a court-martial merely, because he 
would deserve to be shot without one. 



TOO GREAT A BISK 403 

It is all very well for this Charleston editor, in the 
security of his sanctum, to howl for hempen ven- 
geance ; but Davis, who sorely needs the good opin- 
ion of the world, which may not prove very apt at 
discriminating between White and Black Regiments, 
will hardly consent to place his new Republic in a 
position of unnecessary ignominy. The natural scorn 
with which he must inevitably be regarded by all 
good Christians is, in all conscience, enough for even 
a Slaveholder's stomach. 

March 28, 1863. 



THE END. 



INDEX. 



■ o > 



PAGE 

Adams, Rev. Nehemiah 58, 248 

Average of Mankind 183 

Army, Patriotism of 189 

Abolition and Secession 192 

Americans in England 251 

Buchanan, James 6, 7, 29, 32, 128, 129 

Benton, Thomas, his estimate of John Y. Mason 16 

Bird, Rev. Milton 80 

Bancroft, George , . 106 

Bickley, K. G. C Ill 

Bliss, Seth 136 

Brooks, Preston « 1S2 

Beaufort, the Bacchanal of 197 

Bodin on Slavery 303 

Butler, General 317, 318, 323, 322 

Burke, Edmund, an Emancipationist 328 

Bachelder, Dr., a Funny Physician 312 

Buxton, Fowell 384 

Choate, Rufus 45, 58, 84 

" " Scrambles of his Biographers 102 

Cumberland Presbyterian Church 68 

Cumberland Presbyterian Newspaper 79 

Columbia (S. C), Bell-Ringing in 125 

Commons, House of, on Gregory's Motion 163 

Colleges, Southern 172 

Cotton, Moral Influence of 201 

Congress, The Confederate 222, 238 

Clergymen, Second - Hand. 224 

Carlyle, Thomas 323 

Davis, Jefferson *&, 274, 279, 282, 2S3, 288, 330, 338, 346 

Diarist, A Southern 124 

Dargan, Chancellor 160 

Dahomey, the Original of the Confederacy 175 

(404) 



INDEX. 405 

De Bow on Confederate Manufactures 230 

Debt, The Confederate 285 

Everett, Edward 45, 181 

Fielder, Herbert, bis Pampblet 48 

Fillmore, Millard 116 

Floyd, JohnB 162 

Fortescue on Slavery 303 

Free States, Southern Opinion of 316 

Freedmen, Probable Vices of. 362 

Franklin on British Policy 366 

Fast Day, Mr. Davis's 377 

Gregory, M. P 163 

Greenville, Lord, on Emancipation. 329 

Goethe on the Future of America 303 

Greatness, Historical 356 

Hamilton, Alexander, on the Union 297 

Hawks, Dr., his Twelve Questions 305 

Independence, Declaration of 139 

Independence, Southern Association for 265 

Ireland, The Case of 294 

Johnson, Reverdy 42 

Johnson, Dr., his Favorite Toast 329 

Lord, President 3, 319 

Lawrence, Abbot 25 

Ludovico, Father 54 

Lincoln, Abraham 181, 334 

Letcher, Governor 340 

Mason, John Y. . .- 13, 24 

Mitchei, John 20, 50 

Matthews, of Virginia, on Education .- 92 

Montgomery, The Muddle at 181 

Morse, Samuel and Sidney 136 

Meredith, J. W., his Private Battery 141 

McMahon, T. "W., his Pamphlet 214 

Monroe, Mayor, of New Orleans 234 

Malcolm, Dr., on Slavery 248 

Maryland, The Union Party in . t 260 

Mallory, Secretary 280 

McClellan, General, as a Pacificator 370 

Mercury, The Charleston 399 

Netherlands, Deacon 17 

North, Southern Notions of the 144. 

Olivieri, The Abbe, on Negro Education 56 



406 INDEX. , 

Pierce, Franklin . 29 

Pollard, Mr., his " Mammy " . . 63 

Palfrey, General, in Boston 73 

Perham, Josiah, his Invitation 97 

Parker, E. G., his Life of Choate 103 

Patents Granted in the South 134 

Polk, Bishop 172 

Parties, Extemporizing 242 

Platform Novelties in Boston 247 

Paley, Dr., on Slavery 303 

Pitt, William, an Abolitionist 329 

Rogersviile, ihe Great Flogging in 16 

Roundheads and Cavaliers 151 

Russell, William H 158,187 

Repudiation of Northern Debts 1G2 

Red Bill, a New Orleans Patriarch 318 

Romilly, Sir Samuel 328 

Robertson, Dr., on Slavery 303 

Screws, Benjamin, Negro Broker. 8, 38 

Society for Promoting National Unity 136 

Stevens, Alexander H 148 

Secession, The Ordinance of , 178 

Slidell, Miss 204 

Secessionists, The Dissensions of. ' 219 

St. Domingo, The Argument from 326 

Saulsbury, Senator 334, 351 

Tyler, John, his Diagnosis 12S 

Times, The London 158, 177, 309, 366, 374 

Toombs, General, his Trials 269 

Thirty-Five, The Council of .* 273 

Taliaferro, Mr., his Defalcation , 316 

Thugs in New Orleans 318 

University, a Southern Wanted 61 

Utopia, A Slaveholding 300 

Van Buren, John 44 

Virginia, Democracy in 185 

Wise, Henry A 2, 95, 135, 155 

Walker, William, his Letter to General Cass 33, 35 

Winslow, Hubbard 138 

Williams, Commander 206 

Winthrop, Robert C 248 

Wood, Benjamin 379, 383 

Yeadon, Richard 3 

Young, Brigham 358, 392 



ISTILW AVORK IBY MISS KATE ZEPIEIGr). 



LANCHETTE'S DIARY. 



EDITED BY 

KATE FIELD. 

A faithful record of the sayings and doings of one of these 
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theories by which these curious Phenomena are accounted for. 

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A Reprint of a Series of Articles in the Saturday Review, with 
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CONTENTS. 



The Girl of the Period. 

Foolish Virgins. 

Little Women. 

Pinchbeck. 

Feminine Affectations. 

Ideal Women. 

Woman and the World. 

Unequal Marriages. 

Husband Hunting. 

Perils of u Paying Attention." 

Women's Heroines. 

Interference. 

Plain Girls 

A Word for Female Yanitt. 

The Abuse of Match-Making. 

Feminine Influence. 

Pigeons. 

Pretty Preachers 



Ambitious Wiyes. 

Platonic Woman. 

Man and his Master. 

The Goose and the Gander. 

Engagements. 

Woman in Orders. 

Woman and her Critics. 

Mistress and Maid, or Dress 

and Undress. 
^Esthetic Woman. 
What is Yv t oman's Work ? 
Papal Woman. 
Modern Mothers 
Priesthood of Woman. 
The Future of Woman. 
La Femme Passe e. 
The Fading Flower. 
Spoilt Women. 



Costume and its Morals. 



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